Going to keep this thread now!

Hey f,

Thanks for the kind post!
Your last post also made me think..letting it feel huh!
I, for one kniw why this year hurt so much...i didn't replace my pain with anything.. (ok..briefly run to addictions) but most of the part I am feeling...not nice but things will get better in time as things doesn't have to stay they are forever ☺

Stay close by over Xmas if want to talk. I am pretty sure I will be hanging around here a lot too...(also I promised GC staff some Xmas songs on the day! ..me not singing but few links may appear)

Love from me and lil girl..
Have a peaceful Xmas and thank you so so much for your support throughout the year

(((((f))))) xxx

No-one got hurt Freda...and I'm not driving for a few days now, I will get it sorted soon also.

My sister didn't know..i didn't tell her.

I don't know what she would of said tho.

How are you? How are you keeping?
Stay safe..keep breathing xx

S&B

Good stuff!

Merry Christmas to you 🙂

I'm good. Have a cold again! I have slept all morning.

Boyfriend made me a scrapbook of all of the poems we have written each other. Really lovely.

I feel that although a lot is still out of place in my life, I have a lot to feel grateful for.

Hey girl

How are you today?
Hope cold clearing and you're feeling energetic, happy and and at peace ☺

I think I read you have another kitten in your care, ...accept the love and warmth it offers! Best medicine for us humans

Stay safe and look after yourself!

S&B xx

Aw, I don't have a kitten, no. I was expecting to get asked to help foster over Christmas but wasn't needed in the end. I don't think my cat would cope well with a kitten in the house again. Little Keith really annoyed her! haha! I'd take in a grown cat for a while.

I'm still pretty full of cold but it is gradually lifting. I'm annoyed I haven't been able to get out for any runs but don't believe in pushing your body when it is sick.

I'm feeling some fear about starting up the driving lessons again. It has been really scary for me to do something I find very hard. I think it was wise to take a break, though. The nerves seem to have settled and calmed once more.

Boyfriend is just lovely. I feel a bit sorry that I'm not feeling the feelings he is but at this point, it's probably safer this way. He says he is falling for me. It does feel nice but I don't trust that it's real, yet.

We are spending New Year together but can't be openly a couple yet. I know his son a little already but as Dad's friend. They only told their son a week ago that they'd split up, so we want to give him some time before I'm openly Dad's girlfriend. He might think that his parents split up so his Dad could be with me. The truth is, they split up before I'd even met his dad.

There's no way I'd have gotten involved with him if he wasn't already a friend. We know dozens of the same people, many have known him for years and years. I feel I can trust him because of this.

I feel like I'm making a healthier attachment this time. I am not as attached. It is forming more gradually.

Had a weird, fleeting urge to gamble with my phone, last night. Didn't act on it.

Hi girl..

Thanks for the post. You're right, there are good nights and bad.. just can't believe that it took over my consciousness and I felt bahhh all day. Had two hr walk but still feel a little so so. Not myself, shaken if it makes sense. I just hope I didn't shout or whatever in my dream and scared lil one but she seems ok ☺

Sooo...who is Keith? I only know one and that is the one from Celeb Juice lol.

Sorry I got it wrong..but cat is close to kitten any way so can make you feel better with purring and all that...its healing I heard.

Glad to read love life is ticking on nicely. Good that you're not rushing, let things develop naturally. Your soul will know when you meet the right one ☺

Keep on keeping on and may I wish you an amazing, adventurous and lovely New Year.

Hugs....S&B xx

Keith was my foster kitten, a few months ago. He was nuts! He would go racing right up to my cats face and ask her to play. She found him too intense, I think.

HAPPY New Year f ☺

Hope you're well and started New year with a spring in your step!

Keep smiling and keep being kind to yourself, the rest great things will follow..its like chain reaction in life...a choo choo (train) or domino's...lol..

Whoopy doo! Good to start New year in philosophical mind 😉

Stay safe & sound!

S&B xx

Thanks, S

I'm OK. Bit of fear around the edges. Time to get back into the driving lessons. I find it stressful, lots of demands on my attention, making decisions quickly at busy roundabouts etc. I've started listening to a self-confidence hypnosis thing, where you can visualise yourself doing it confidently. It is difficult but I believe I can push through it.

At New Year I was very, very drunk. I could hear myself talking to people and didn't like it. I was quite obnoxious and rude to a lot of people, I think. Not nasty rude, just tactless, no filter, rude. Yes, getting really drunk is no longer for me.

Boyfriend says he is falling for me. It has only been about 6 weeks or so, I think. I suppose we were mates for a few months before that. I don't think he's really falling in love, though. I think it's just attachment. He has been lonely for a long time and doesn't have family. I think there's a big hole in him, wanting to feel loved and connected.

It's OK. I get it. I've had similar feelings myself. I'm not as attached. I'm taking my time to get to know him. He is quite self-sabotaging in many ways and a bit irresponsible. I'm not sure I'd want to settle down with him. However, I think he has been through a difficult time with his separation from his partner and co-parent, so maybe it will improve when he isn't in so much pain. He's just struggling to organise and motivate himself, I think.

He's quite overweight. Very big belly. Again, I think this has been a symptom of his unhappiness. We'll see. I'm happy, but moving forward with caution.

I'm having a lovely cuddle with the cat. Going to go for a run in a bit.

Thank you girl...

& hope you will be back in the saddle with more confidence and less fear! Remember..youre in control of the car & btw...what is horn for?..yup..to show your presence! ☺..just go easy on that one tiger 😉

Keep working at your relationship one step at a time. Its really good to see that you're not falling into it straight away. You been teached few lessons previously and it's clear to see that you applying your new knowledge into practice.

Be proud - it is progress!

Stay safe & sound

S&B xx

Awww, thanks S 🙂

Yes, I've definitely learned that someone saying loads of adoring things is not enough to make it safe to get attached.

I felt quite mushy and happy with him last night. It was nice but also scary.

I am feeling a lot of fear at the moment. Coming up to decision time with my current flat (I think I'm going to move to rent from my friend) but it's all fear-provoking, as it's stressful to move. There will be many positives to moving but still a bit scary.

It makes me feel scared to move forward with too much. I want to restart driving lessons but is that wise if I'm going to be moving house in 6 or 7 weeks? I'm really sensitive to overwhelm and very protective of the progress I have made so far. I would rather dawdle slightly on making progress, than push too fast.

I'm trying to listen to these messages from my body that I'm not ready to push myself too much.

My letting agency has been pestering me to ask if I'm planning to renew my tenancy. I have just said it's unlikely but I can't confirm and give my notice yet. Saying it out loud was scary!

I've been giving thought to the possibility of looking for more work hours, in light of these other things, I feel like it's sensible to push this on the back burner until around June when I will have 11 weeks holiday from my current job coming up. This means I could try a new job and new workplace without other stressors, like my current job, to manage at the same time. I could also try in a more risk-free way, not having to leave my current job first.

Amazing how much it helps to write thoughts down and plans things out. Get the thoughts in some sort of order.

I'm really scared to move forward with things, right now. I'm putting them off.

It's funny because I was irritated by xmas and new year sort of getting in the way. It forces you to put lots of things on hold for a couple of weeks. Now there is no excuse, I'm frozen. Can't get going. No excuse anymore except "I'm scared".

Awwweeee Freda ☺..thank you so much!

Very interesting indeed. Shame...i feel shame for a lot of things..
Me & my GC counsellor talked about many things. One of them is my attachment. I even feel attached to her because I trust her and was able to speak about everything to her. The thing is, because I shared those attachment traits, I don't feel shame. We even talked about it on last session and she said she knows that it's hard to part but sometimes that particular "pain" Is for the better...like reading my mind there lol.

We also talked about my emotions, where it takes my clear mind away. Like....i have anger towards one person who sexually harassed me not long ago & this automatically brought my childhood memories back and now my emotions (past & present) is being aimed at him! (Poor bloke! Lol)..its like he is getting hell for a drunken remarks and not realising that he openend the war zone here!
Now..its important to understand that my emotions/ reactions came with a force cause of past. Thinking of it clearly...yeah...he is d***head but he soon apologised next day, he didn't do me physical harm and he is just that lil s***t with huge bravado where he knows it deep down himself. Not first nor the last and I need to accept that people like that are out there! No matter what position they take in society, they're out there. It's not much I can do. Only my reactions can make a difference to my own wellbeing....& on this occasion, There is my dream of future at stake...& No man...i will not let ANYONE to take it away!

I'm off the subject here huh.
Shame...yes...so many choices made I feel ashamed about. But i am grown up now and have more knowledge behind me and kind of am able to separate right and wrong things...i see it as progress.

Trust will not come easy with new counsellor. I am actually tired of going through the same things with different person. That's why I am willing to stick to this one. Don't leave stone unturned and hopefully...just hopefully start self healing. And I nedd to heal because I am in a lot of pain.

Anyhoo....how are you? New year started...hope you're enjoy it to the full!

Ps.Flirting indeed! I don't think my peers seen me smiling so much as yesterday...god d**n even that was a shame but as you said...it does bring good emotions out ☺
However I must put water on fire for now...

I guess it's just not the right time for sweet fruits of life lol

Speak later & THANK you do so much for all the support, encouragement, understanding and love you offered so kindly all last year...youre amazing soul!

S&B xx

Ooops..sorry didnt see your update!

Nice & steady breaths hun. I understand a lot going on around you presently but try and break things down..one at a time!

Situations happens to solve themselves out if we limit the stress levels for them...big mountains are actually ant hills even if it looks soooo overwhelming now!

It's ok to be scared. It's natural human emotion. ..it will pass with time as you know yourself.

Remember...walking before running...take it steady you're doing great!

S&B xx

Cheers, S

I went for a run, even though it was pouring with rain. I was really angry with my touch-screen phone that wouldn't f*****g well work in the rain. I was really P ee d off! Anyway, soldiered on for a shorter 20 minute run and glad I did, despite the anger it provoked!!!

Haven gotten on with cooking, cleaning, washing up etc. Feel like I've had a reasonaBLY PRODUCTIVE DAY oops, despite period pains, tiredness and the cold and rain outside.

I still feel a bit irritable and scared. Feel like I want to shout. It will pass.

Been for my third run this week. Feeling fitter and positive.

Still haven't managed to lose any weight. I ate almost a whole bloomer with hummus last night. At least it's stopping my pigging out making me even fatter!

There is something deeply empowering about being fit enough to run. It's probably hard-wired into us. Survival, being able to run away. I'm hoping to get fit enough to be able to do a physical job for a couple of years. I've done physical, lifting-and-shifting, grafty jobs for years and would love to do something a little more comfortable. However, having the energy to be able to do this a bit longer if I have to, feels quite positive. Lets face it, high quality low-stress jobs are not exactly ten a penny atm.

You can get places so quickly when you are fit, as well. You just run part of the way! haha! I don't even sweat that much.

This week, it felt too scary to text the driving instructor and get back into lessons but I did positive fitness stuff, which is better than nothing. It's also great for my mood and keeping stress in check, so it will move me further toward getting back to it.

Relationship-wise. It's just lovely having all of this positive attention. Trying not to get too attached to it, but it is nice. He seems quite smitten. We'll see.

I'm starting a course soon of upcycling furniture. Also West African Drumming!

I need this fun time to just feel well and happy before I rejoin the rat race a bit more. I'm also in mental health recovery, which I keep reminding myself of.