Going to keep this thread now!

Dear Freda,

I am sorry to read you're under a lot of pressure right now; if there is anything we can do at all to support you, please do let us know. We are here on the helpline 0808 8020 133 and via the live chat 24 hours a day if you need to talk.

Wishing you all the very best, and for a positive outcome, 

Take care,

Helen

Forum Admin

Thanks, Stace and Helen

I'm OK, really. Had a nice walk along the seafront, this afternoon. It was very cold and windy but was good to get out in the fresh air.

I find I'm more sensitive than usual, at the moment. I'm concerned I might lose my temper at work, with this manipulative woman who keeps making digs. It's harder to bite my tongue, I feel like I have a shorter fuse. She would love that, as well. On the plus side, we have to wear masks, so for the brief time I might have to communicate with her, I can stick my tongue out or mouth eff off, haha.

I'm not getting on well with my partner, atm. I am walking on eggshells and just want to be away from him. He is biting my head off at the least thing. I get it all day at work, don't need it at home as well.

Staying at my house by myself tonight. It's nice to be able to relax and not have to deal with anyone.

Ugh, well, some people seem to be being nicer to me and others just bizarrely rude. I feel so uncomfortable where I work, the majority of my work life. It's a horrible toxic place. Very few people are consistently friendly. Feel like I never know where I am with people.

My partner loves me and dutifully takes me to work and picks me up and while I appreciate it, I'd much rather have deep connection. Someone who seems genuinely interested in what I think and how I see the world. He gets me to watch loads of videos he thinks are funny and asks me to invest a lot of time, in ways like this but doesn't return the sentiment. I don't mind taking an interest in him and things he wants to show me but can't help but feel a bit resentful when he won't do the same. It's hard to describe and explain. He talks at length on all types of subjects and I do a lot of listening but he isn't so keen on doing the same for me. It's like I'm less valid than him, in his head, or something.

I feel lonely and unheard.

Things are a bit better with my partner. It has done us good to have some space from each other. He has been with his daughters tonight. 

I do know he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. I'm going to talk to him again in a week or so, once the gym has reopened and he will be in a better headspace, about getting some more positive attention.

I've been feeling very down, the past few days. Sitting around in a dirty house, no motivation to clean. I'm going to do the cat litters because it's not fair on them.

I'm going for a reflexology treatment this afternoon, this will make me take a shower - again, not fair on therapist lady to turn up dirty.

Thanks, Stace

It was nice and I do like to supply myself with opportunities for positive attention from people. I'm learning to get my needs met in a constructive way. I didn't really need to talk that much, today but the point was, it was a situation where I didn't need to give anything. It was my time and if I'd wanted to, I could have talked about myself for a whole hour. 

More constructive than gambling, that's for sure. I am all out of balance and seeking dopamine hits from left right and centre. Means I have craved gambling but have also eaten loads of rubbish today. Just self-medicating but not with healthy food. Seeking comfort. I had eaten a whole jumbo bag of crisps by the time I got home. One of the massive 150g ones! 

I'm at work for 6 hours tomorrow. Really not feeling strong and hope I don't have any bad experiences while I'm there. It can be a bitchy place, just depends who is there and what mood they're in. I have a week off in 5 weeks, I can't wait! I need a break from the place but they don't like you taking holidays in December.

I cleaned the litter trays for my cats and had a shower and put on clean clothes. 

Both of the nasty supervisors are off today, I just checked. Thankful for this!

I managed a 30 min walk home today and did the few dishes at his house, as well as my own washing up. I've had to push through the depressed feeling but not as bad as yesterday.

Feeling very low, today. Have achieved quite a lot, considering!

Been to get hair trimmed, used a sunbed, got some bits and pieces from shops. Have just sat and eaten a whole packet of biscuits, which isn't great. Had my blood taken today, to see if I have a certain thyroid condition, I think. 

Just want to cry and sleep.

Thanks, Stace

Been away from the forum past couple of weeks.

I haven't gambled, other than the odd lotto ticket. I still feel angry when I don't win! Compulsive gambler, eh?

I can't remember if I have posted about running. I managed to run 5k last week. I'm enjoying getting fitter but it's very hard in the darkest weeks. Car fumes are a problem, too.

Overall, I'm feeling a bit better. Still sick of not being able to see people. It's a blessing to those of us with unhealthy family members, at this time of year. At least I don't have to see them.

I want to focus on things I am grateful for. I have many.

1) I have a partner who loves me

2) I am fitter than I used to be and can run 5 kilometres 

3) My cats are so lovely and they are happy 

4) I have a job that I can cope with 

5) I have someone to spend Christmas with 

6) I have savings 

7) I have paid off over 2 years of my mortgage and now own 25% of my house. This is progress. 

8) I have a nice neighbour who isn't too weird or noisy 

9) I don't need much help from anyone and that makes me feel safe and resilient 

10) I sleep well 

I've had one of my posts edited in case it was triggering to people. I want to express what I'm going through, though. For me, that's the whole point of a diary and learning about addiction. You might not be doing the dysfunctional behaviour with gambling but if you're self-medicating in another way, that is relevant.

So, I hope this is worded in a way that's OK and not triggering to anyone but I have noticed I'm eating more.

That surprised me Freda. I always enjoy reading your posts and have never noticed anything untoward.

Recovery from gambling addiction involves stopping gambling obviously but some might consider it important to reevaluate every aspect of ones life and make adjustments as and when necessary.

To me this is not only a journey of recovery but also a time of discovery and a great adventure.

Wishing you every happiness over Christmas and a good 2021.

Aum.

Thanks, Stephen 🙂

Well! I relapsed. BADLY. I have reinstated Gamstop for 5 years, this time. I've got Gamban on as well, to block anything Gamstop might not cover.

It's just such a waste of energy and time but I'm an addict and I need these things in place, as resolve cannot be 100% 24/7.

Getting some support from a local partner agency as well. 

Feeling good about the things I've put in place.

Hi freda, glad you have come back to share, it crept up on you and hit you at a vulnerable time. You've stopped the slide now and got strong blocks in place again, get back on track and feel better again. Take care