Going to keep this thread now!

I've been appealing to him for some time, about his coldness and harshness. How do you address this? He says things like "No, it must be something else bothering you. No-one breaks up with someone over a small disagreement." When I have raised things in the past, he has not taken them seriously and talked about them. He can't own his own behaviour and acknowledge when it's not OK. He just doesn't get it. It's not one disagreement, it's loads of little to medium things, that have alienated me over time. He just goes straight to anger and says he hasn't done anything wrong. I can't handle that. 

He says his ex-wife was horrible and selfish and cheated on him. It was all her fault. 

I guess it's hard when someone splits up with you and it makes you feel angry. It just hurts a lot. Nothing is his responsibility. Hard to deal with his anger today. 

And yes, on a selfish note, I'm feeling scared about being on my own again.

Someone said to me once, about a similar situation to yours: "I can brush off the odd snowflake, but when there's too many of them, it turns into an avalanche."

After a while, these continual micro-bombardments are bound to get you down.

And you reach a point where your instincts are telling you: this can't go on. Something has to give, or change.

There is a fear about going solo again, but there are benefits to being free again.

You are wisely weighing everything up.  Trust your instincts: they are usually spot on!

And whilst you are by yourself, you're never alone, that's the important thing 🙂

Thank you, Roch, I really appreciate that.

I'm feeling much calmer than earlier. It is for the best but it has come at a really difficult time.

It would do me good to get out and about today but it's really dark and raining heavily.

Feeling really vulnerable and the reality is setting in, that I'm on my own now.

Hi Freda 

I'm having a bad bad day today. I used my son's phone and looked on the website I go on.....I don't even know why I did it......but I didn't gamble....but I've made myself feel 100% worse.

Freda - it's always the way isn't it. You make a big decision, and, because of the magnitude of it, the weather seems to grey over, the rain starts to tear down...

But it's just weather.  It'll be Spring before you know it. Sunny days! Keep the faith you have in yourself 🙂

Ria -yeah, so you looked at the website you gambled on in the past. Don't worry about it. So long as you don't *act* on it, that's what matters.  Sure, you're going to think about gambling from time to time. We all do, believe me.  Just don't act on it. Do that, you can then give yourself a break, a pat on the back, and relax. You are steadying the ship Ria... It takes time. One day at a time 🙂 

Hi freda, sorry to hear how upset you are. I've read many of your posts where he really brought you down, try going back over and find them and build a picture of how you've felt and how your mental health has suffered. RochG is right spring is around the corner and with spring/summer and vaccines will hopefully come respite from covid. I don't know how old you are but think when you feel better about everything how exciting " pastures new " !! Take care, self care, better things around the corner when you're ready.

Thanks, all. Yeah, it is nice thinking about how I could meet someone who is nice. Consistently.

Yes, Charlieboy, I had a read back and he was being very moody with me for a while. It was on and off but like you say, if I couldn't cope with it, I shouldn't commit.

When we aren't in lockdown, I cope much better. I am almost 42, so there is time to meet someone yet. Feeling a bit vulnerable being alone again, with covid and the new thyroid problems. I got a letter for a hospital appointment, to have my thyroid scanned. At least things are in the process of being sorted.

I'm getting another fit note tomorrow. Not ready to deal with work, again. I don't care, they can pay my sick pay. 

Hey f,

Life is full of surprises let me tell ya. People comes and goes and always ALWAYS leaves a lesson.

I say, put yourself first now. Self care/love/kindness. You have it in you..concentrate on those and believe this soul, things will take a turn accordingly!

Be you..be the powerful woman you are and claim what you deserve in life! Peace/ happiness/ self worth/ confidence/love...etc!!!

Hugs..day at a time

S&B xx

Thanks, San xx

Yeah, we've spoken face to face. I feel a bit more at peace about it. 

He's like Teflon and I just think it would be too frustrating to try again. Everything is just bounced straight away. 

Tried explaining how the little subtle disapprovals worry me. How I wonder how I would cope with them long-term. I think he understood what I meant, that I struggle with it but have no idea whether I'd struggle with it as much, in a normal world, where we weren't repeatedly in lockdown. We met in March, so literally our whole relationship has been under these conditions. Lockdown has made every part of my life more stressful. My job became extremely stressful, I lost the connection I had to therapeutic communities. I used to go to a singing group, a dancing group - a screaming group! I had a lot of other outlets. The multiple, subtle put downs and disapprovals, are not good for me. He thinks that's stupid and something I should just brush off. I gave an example - him pulling disapproving faces when I decide to have alcohol one night, or when I picked up a bag of donuts in the supermarket. I said if someone did one of these things, once in a blue moon, they wouldn't even register - but when they are repeated, they get to me. Even if I know no harm is intended. I mean you can unintentionally crash your car into someone, doesn't mean their suffering doesn't exist. He said "I think you'll find it hard to find anyone who doesn't pull faces at things, like that. Everyone does it." This is how he deflects everything. I said "They don't. I've never been with anyone who did this - other than once in a blue moon." 

Therein lies the problem. His difficulty in taking anything that bothers me, seriously. He will claim everyone is like him and I'm expecting him to walk on eggshells. My gut chimed in and said "UH, NO! YOU're NOT! YOU're ASKING HIM NOT TO BE REGULARLY UNKIND!"

He said "I think your problem is you over-analyse everything. It's like talking to a blooming psychologist." Which I took as a huge compliment. Not that it was meant as one. I carefully consider whether my personality is compatible with another person, long-term. I do this because I have mental health issues and need to be in a healthy relationship, or I just don't function. I can be insanely in love with someone but I know that if their behaviour triggers me, I'm not going to make it with them. I'll want to be with them but will be putting myself in an extremely vulnerable position, where my ability to cope with life; the odds of me staying well, if you like, are massively reduced.

There is some truth in what he said though because if the love for him was strong enough, I would feel a sense of panic, at the thought of losing him. It would have to be really strong to weather all of his ways.

And I have realised that it's not. He had come to give each others keys back, drop off my things and talk. He left basically saying he was open to trying again, if I really wanted to but if not, we wouldn't be staying friends, I would be gone from his life. Over. Finito. Never see each other again. If I tried again, I feel there's a really small chance it would work out and I also told him, I was wary that he would perceive it as me dragging it out and messing him around. Playing with his feelings just so I wasn't lonely. For selfish reasons. Keep myself some company until I find someone better. Of course I would never do that but I suspect this is how he'd frame it. 

I realised his stoicism serves a purpose for him but it also pushes me away and makes me dislike him. I feel no connection, numb, nothing, cold. The only time he drops this, is during intimacy but this isn't enough to sustain a relationship and nourish me.

As determined as he is, to see me as a cold, heartless baddy, I think today he had to see that this was not an easy case of discarding him without an afterthought. Hopefully, I changed the story in his head, that I just discarded him coldly and easily.

It also made me realise I am done. Much as the thought of never seeing him again, scares me - I am still done. It's not worth it.

Good grief. My life!

He said he couldn't leave things unresolved, needed to come and drop the last of my stuff off. I said that was fine but I didn't think I could even answer the door, as it was really hard for me, letting go. He said just answer the door, I want to give you a hug and say goodbye like grownups.

I was in floods of tears by the time he got there. He hugged me and I started shaking and physically couldn't let go of him. I got hysterical and started hyperventilating, saying I didn't know what to do. We were both crying and I was proper freaking out, crying like a child. I kept saying I want to let go of you but I can't. I can't. I'm not sure. I'm scared.

Basically, we sat and talked and hugged. He was totally different, there was no shield, he was warm and emotional and there. I kept saying I feel sure when this guy is here, but that guy you were over there, before, I'm scared of him. I can't cope with him. I don't want to hurt you more and let you down again. I said I swear to god, Dave, I'm not effing with you. He said "I can tell". 

So, I'm going to try. I couldn't let go of him, anyway. He seems satisfied that I'm not effing with him and am genuinely confused and unsure, so any responsibility I feel toward him, is satisfied.

No idea that was going to happen. I think he was hoping I wouldn't be able to do it, if I physically hugged him. Ugh! I don't know what the heck I'm doing.

Keep writing Freda.  We're listening ?

Thank you freda xx my diary does help to calm my feelings. It's been a turbulent few weeks but I think the seas are st at calming.???Boo

Hi freda, you will know in a very short time once the raw emotion is over whether you can go forward with him. Listen to your instincts and I'm sure you'll work out where you want to go. Keep posting as we all know what happens when we try and escape our emotions. Take care freda x

Thanks, Charlieboy xx

I don't know what to think or do...