Going to keep this thread now!

What do they say, "feel the feelings and let them go..."

Do what your gut instinct says. Its usually correct on matters of the heart.

More importantly... eat chocolate! 🙂 

Thanks guys. 

No gambling to report. Things have calmed on the relationship front. It was so lovely having him waiting for me after work, last night. First shift back, after a few weeks off sick. 

Glad ya first shift back was kind of ok and that things have settled down a bit on the fella front.

I don't think that men and women will ever fully understand each other 🙂

Take care.. S.A 

Thanks SA,

I am really happy in my relationship, in general. I think he satisfies my Daddy issues, as he's always keen to help me and pick me up etc.  Not that that is the most important thing but having had a really half a ssed dad who seems disinterested, it's nice to feel really safe, protected and loved. He definitely brings that to the table. 

He's healthy and reliable, which are important to me and patient, too. I look for all of these qualities in a partner. I'm aware that these are all very "head" type reasons, as opposed to heart ones. I admire a lot about him. He's brave, creative, a great cook, into earthy things like plants and nature. He's really excited and enthusiastic about the curiosities in the world. He knows some really random stuff. He was telling me about these little creatures that live everywhere, the other day. You can ingest them and they are still alive when they come out the other end. I can't remember the name of them. They look like they're made of plasticine, with cyborg heads, lol. Anyway...

No gambling to report. It's been about 6 weeks, I think. I'm feeling stronger and happier in myself.

Tardigrades!

I've been re-reading my diary from the start. Felt such compassion and sadness for the broken woman of 6 years ago, when her husband had just dumped her.

I feel like a literally different person, now. I'm so grateful that I have developed the skills to put myself first and will hopefully never be so dependent on another person again.

It has been about 52 days since I last gambled.

.... and in developing your life skills, you have also shown great compassion and understanding towards my good self... which is much appreciated.

Keep up the good work and well done on your gamble free time! 🙂 x

Aww, thanks, SA

It has been about 9 weeks since I last gambled. I thought about putting a quid on the lotto the other day but the machine wasn't working. I think I can get away with this, as it's not an instant dopamine rush for me. It feels more like how it feels quite nice to buy yourself a cold can of pop, or a magazine. I have decided I can do this occasionally but only one line. I know that's not everyone's idea of abstinence but it has worked for me, in the past - maintaining otherwise abstinence for a year and a half. I understand that some gamblers cant even do this and I respect that for some, it's not good.

Things are going well once more in my relationship and he has been very supportive during my recent health problems.

Hi... glad to see that all is trucking along nicely in your world.

I understand your thoughts on the lottery. In my addictive head the lottery serves no purpose as it doesn't give an instant fix (you have to wait fore the draw) and also the chances of winning are so remote, I kind of think what's the point.

Take care... S.A 🙂

Thanks, SA. Well, I definitely know the difference with things that do massively trigger my gambling monster inside.

Partner has bought a small amount of crypto-currency and was showing me his app. I was really excited about it and asked if he'd buy some for me, to manage, as I was concerned it was too similar to gambling, to be able to manage it myself. He commented on how excited and "activated" I'd gotten about it and I have to agree with him. This is something I should leave alone. This is a good example for other cg's of the benefits of transparency with your partner. I didn't tell him sort of the day we met but told him early on, after a few months. He is now AWARE and can notice if I get disproportionately excited about stuff. It's good for me. If he didn't know, he may have just thought "weird how excited she gets about some things" and shrugged it off. With knowledge that I'm in recovery, we were able to recognise as a team, pretty quick, this is not a thing that would probably be good for me.

Today, a lesson in asking and trusting you are not a pest.

It has bothered me for years, that the uni I work for kept my married name as my email address. They changed the name that would come up to recipients as my divorced name but the actual email address was still my married name ie [email protected] when I'm now called joe cloggs, lol. 

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I didn't have much workload this morning - so I dared to be a nuisance and ask. Scary! Guess what? Sorted out within a couple of hours. Simple as that. 

Lesson: I have a pest complex. I'm not a pest. I can ask and usually it will be done. It is OK to ask for stuff.

Nah... your just a pest! 😉 x

Am much the same. I never ask for nothing and when I do its twinged with a need to do a favour for them as soon as possible. But I guess in reality most people are perfectly happy to help out or support others when asked. In fact many people enjoy helping others because gets them feeling useful and needed and having a purpose etc etc

Having said that. have you noticed that in a work environment its always the same people that say things like "can you do me a favour". I guess as with everything in life its finding a balance between helping and being helped.

Like you say... its ok to ask.

Haha! I knew it! 

Been dealing with some nastiness at other job, so spoke up about it and told my managers. I said I didn't want to name anyone but described a few things that have happened recently and they agreed it's not great. They've put some holiday in for me, at short notice and said unpaid leave can be put in place, as well, if I want. This was what I originally asked them for.

I was honest and said I felt my life would be made harder if I named the people but that it was affecting my mental health and I just don't need it. Was touched how concerned they were and how much they went out of their way to try and help.

I started playing lottery again but it was a mistake to do it via downloading an app. So, I uninstalled it and will buy the odd one, in person. I found I had statistically unusually good luck in those few weeks. In my previous experience, it was very rare to even win a fiver. Having this happen on an app, meant I didn't have to physically get round to taking a ticket to a shop to get those few quid. It was immediately there, to spend again.

I thought carefully about how to describe all of that, so as to try not to trigger anyone. Remember, it's rare to even win a small amount of money and I think I wanted to share my experience to warn others against using an app, if they decide to go back to lottery only. You may not be badly affected but I found it made me play more than I intended and didn't feel as low in addictiveness as buying one ticket in person, from a shop. 

I opened up a new part of myself to my partner the other day and told him about my YouTube channel. I don't tell many people who I know in real life. He reacted positively.

I've been struggling so much, lately. I just feel in pain.

It's not one thing but multiple things. Not feeling very good about myself, struggling with difficult personalities, not getting on with housework or chores, over-eating - I've just eaten 5 ice cream cones!!!!, I've gained weight, I'm whiney, needy with my partner. Just want some comfort, a cuddle, kisses. He gives me those, of course but I suppose what I mean is I feel like I really need tlc and caring for. I'm looking forward to the coming weeks when I can pay people to do some of that for me, again. Get a massage, some positive attention, be nurtured. I know what I've been like, lately. I said to him last night "I know you're not an affection vending machine. I can't keep demanding of you but I just feel really needy at the moment." 

I'm having a good cry now. Probably what I needed. 

My manager at one of my jobs is leaving. I just found out today. I'm really sad about it. He's a nice person and has looked out for me and been understanding when I've struggled. I suppose it's understandable that it feels extra unsettling when I've been having problems there with bullying and nasty behaviour from some people. I will also just plain miss him.

Lots of goodbyes and letting go, on the horizon. There's the work changes, then spoke to the vet about my foster cat's health. He's now anaemic. Add that to the arthritis in his back legs, mild heart murmur, his thyroid problems and high blood pressure and I think it will be his time to go to sleep, before too long.

He's currently comfortable and happy, I agreed with the vet that any further investigations at his age, of 19, wouldn't be fair. He will let us know when he is tired and wants to go.

I don't regret a thing. He's been with me just over a year and it's been an honour to give him his last forever home. I'll be sad to lose him but I can cope.

No more gambling to report since the lottery app got uninstalled. Gamban now on my phone. Dunno why I couldn't get it to work, previously. Had genuinely tried.