Going to keep this thread now!

Freda,

Sound like a positive day & much achieved. Seen the odd post but often wondered if you're ok & why you haven't been on chat much. Breath of fresh air when you turned up tonight. Stay in touch.

AL

@slowlearner aww, thanks, Al. I'm just much busier with working unsociable hours. I have started to attend an in-person GA meeting, locally. I lapsed after the break up of my last relationship, which became abusive. I reached out to a few friends but many flaked on me or did not respond. Sign of the times, sadly.

1) Someone was rude, in a catty way, today, at work and I noticed I didn't have a strong reaction.

2) I submitted a job application, tonight, despite being tired from work.

3) I have stuck to my diet well, this week.

4) I smelled lovely today. I used them beads in me washing. They're expensive but a nice treat.

5) I had a sunbed session. Not everyone will see this as positive but for me, it's to make me feel good.

6) I treated myself to a nice, takeaway coffee, after work.

7) I treated myself to a new handbag.

8) I went and cuddled my favourite little dog and it made her so happy and content.

9) I used my food, well, today. Minimised waste by eating things in the right order.

10) Watered my seedlings and hung out a few pieces of laundry, before the rain.

Cheers, Dave.

I get where you're coming from in terms of relationships. I think sometimes, you still meet unhealthy people but it takes a month or two to realise it, as they are pretending to be a nicer person. Putting on an act. I don't think any abusive person shouts at the other, on a first date. If you are unhealed you stay, if you have healed, you leave.

I am full of cold, feel a little P oopy. It was a shame because I couldn't enjoy my day off, yesterday, fully. Just wanted to rest. 

I still went to my meeting. A guy came to chair as a guest, as the usual chair is away. He seemed to really enjoy telling his story. I remember thinking "aren't you tired of telling your story?" I couldn't imagine telling it, over and over, in different GA groups, for years and years on end. I mean, it probably serves a function, like staying connected with how bad it can get, I guess. I did enjoy hearing about the social side of recovery he has. He is going to do the three peaks, soon, with a group of recovery people. Maybe this is where I find my people, I don't know. I just want to have people to do life with. Enjoy experiences together. 

Haven't gambled. Feeling a bit lethargic and finding it hard to keep my house clean and tidy.

Think I'm genuinely just quite tired. Still having menopause symptoms. I've started chatting to a really nice guy and started worrying he won't think I'm good enough. I think it's related to the bad sides of men, I've seen over the years. Like I won't be slim enough or want enough s*x. My body has started deciding to bleed twice a month, again and it felt bad that my ex partner resented that it made me less available for intimacy. It had nothing to do with not wanting him, it just had to do with being tired and feeling "messy" and a bit gross. Like, it's quite understandable to feel that way, under those circumstances but he was quite selfish and immature about the way he dealt with this. No compassion for me. I wouldn't wallow in self-pity but was going through a time where I was less able to be available in that way, through no fault of my own. He actually compounded it and made it worse by having a selfish attitude about it - which made me find him less attractive.

It's good to get these thoughts and feelings out.

I feel so worried about humanity. 

I'm having a bad week, when it comes to human interactions but there are so many people lacking any compassion or empathy. It genuinely scares the shoot out of me.

Cheers, Dave

Aye, it's just a challenging environment at the minute. For most people, I'm sure.

1) yesterday I got really angry. Frustration overload. I allowed it, without taking it out on anyone.

2) I took self-care action! I did some ironing until the anger subsided a bit, went to my GA meeting, even though I didn't feel like it. Went to the gym and had a good workout.

3) A seagull attacked me, yesterday - of course it did! - and it actually made me laugh. It was one of those days.

4) My energy has been a little better. I've kept the house a bit cleaner, although this is still not something I'm on top of.

5) I got a hug off a recovery buddy. A woman. Not tugging on men's energy in a manipulative way.

6) I did my shaking therapy today. Feel a lot better for it.

7) My eating has been less disordered, recently.

8) Today is a GA milestone. 30 days.

9) I actually got a gp appointment today. Fairly effortlessly. It was bizarre.

10) I made the effort to eat vegetables today, even though I couldn't be bothered.

I have done loads today!

1) Woke feeling stressed about looming and stupid changes at work - I'm expecting the next thing is to stick a broom up our behind, so we can do one more thing, while we do the work that 2 people used to do - but used the nervous energy to walk into town, get an iced coffee and donut for brekkie, then get some cat litter, for my poor little monkey. Been out of stock for a while and she needs a clean toilet!

2) A man noticed me and smiled, then seemed even more keen when he saw me swing a couple of heavy sacks of litter into my hands and carry it with ease. It made me smile. I saw on his face, the temptation to offer help, then kind of impressed and attracted to my physical strength, realising I needed no help at all. Wish I hadn't been stressed, I would have struck up a conversation and given him my number 😉

3) I rode the bus back up the hill, with the heavy litter and felt good about my physical fitness. I felt grateful. Strong and resilient. Balancing with no hands, while the bus stopped. Carrying the heavy bags with ease.

4) I mowed the lawn and did lots of faffy garden jobs - strimming, pulling up flowers that grow everywhere, if you don't pull them.

5) I cleaned my fridge. It was minging! I feel happier when I look inside it, now.

6) Put weedkiller down, to kill those pesky nettles.

7) Hung washing out, did the washing up.

8) I read some of my book, in the sunshine. 

9) Washed the bin out, it was getting stinky.

10) Rewarded myself for doing all of these crummy jobs, by getting iced coffee and cake delivered - from an independent, local business, that pays their tax!

I`m really enjoying reading your diary Freda, its helping me notice little things in my own life that ive never really taken much note of.

You are so strong and have so much order and structure to your life, and you should be so proud of 30 days gf.

The bit about the seagull made me laugh out loud.

One thing i got from your last post was the stress at work, i also was a slave to this but made a conscious decision to do my best at work but that is it, if a job doesn't get completed its because i am out of time, i refuse to take work home or worry about work in my own time anymore, in short i get paid to do 37 hours and no more, i now refuse to give my job anymore than 37 hours be that mentally or physically, that doesn't mean that i dont give 100% , but purely that ive set out my boundaries and so far they have been respected.

Your strength is inspiring, and your straightforward outlook is impressive, keep doing what you do as its working!! 

Thanks so much, lids, that means a lot.

One of the things I struggle with, is feeling like I'm the only one. In my workplace, I feel so vulnerable because I feel like I'm the only one. Everyone else just gets on with it but admits it's stressful. I feel like I'm the only one who speaks up. 

It's worsening my self-confidence, which wasn't great to begin with.

I'm still very stressed at work. I'm struggling to cope and it's zapping my energy on days off. 

I had some huge shame triggers, this week. They've been difficult to deal with. I had a job interview on Monday morning. The woman who interviewed me, was very shrewd. She pointed out that the job was temporary and checked her understanding that my current job was permanent. She looked confused and suspicious, so I admitted that although I'm fine in a fast-paced environment, my current workplace was extremely pressured, with one person looking after 16 self-service machines, by themselves, at times. She wrapped up the interview within seconds. She wasn't at all subtle. I'd hoped that she'd understand that some work environments are particularly poor and it's normal to want to do better - but she was done. with. me. It shook me up a bit. Obviously, I can also appreciate how bad it would be to work for such harsh and ruthless people, so they are probably not a good employer anyway. 

Then, another thing triggered me, along similar lines. Today, I got a rejection email for a job I'd applied for. The problem was, it was pretty much the same job I've done (I have two part-time jobs) for 9 years and I didn't even get an interview. I know I don't know this for sure but I spoke up about my line manager doing nothing to support us, a few years ago and I feel I've been blacklisted because of that. Some people who used to work at my workplace, now work at the one I applied to, in management positions. Having been abused in childhood, I have a lot of emotion that comes up about speaking up, if something is wrong and being shamed for it. 

It's complex because I was slightly stroppy about it and could have dealt with it better, at the time - but I was going through a divorce and was not at my best. I didn't do anything terrible or dramatic, saying that. I feel this is one of the hardest things about navigating problems at work, if you have mental health problems. You can't just suck it up and pretend everything is fine, like everyone else. It impairs your functioning, if someone is problematic. It feels like being punished and shamed, for being the only one to speak up, even though you're actually the bravest because your mental health is already poor.

I'm tetchy at work and that is another shame trigger, as it makes me feel like people are judging me or I'll be alienating people, even though I know anger is just a normal symptom of stress.

Still no gambling to report. Today is day 64, so second milestone of 60 days, at GA has been passed.

I've been offered a job, so have given my notice to old, stressful, worsening one. I feel a lot better already! 

It is fewer contracted hours, so not sustainable, long-term but it's enough to get me the heck out of the old one!

Been an intense couple of weeks. 

Have finished working my notice, at old job. Have done my first week at new one. So far, so good. 

No gambling. I hit my 90 days, next week.