Going to keep this thread now!

Well, I seem to be taking things on the chin, much more calmly. Someone very manipulative went running to the boss about what I was saying at work. Although I didn't fully lose it, I said things that should only be for ears that I can trust. It was not a safe environment to be disregulated about this. A very unhealthy environment. I know who the culprit is, I'm surprised and disappointed but I didn't retaliate, tell the boss all the things she says behind his back. I just learned my lesson. Keep to yourself, tell no-one how you feel, in this workplace. It's good to have this knowledge, I'm wiser than I was yesterday. No-one can hang me, if I don't give them the rope, so continuing to develop my self-control, is the name of the game.

I am human, I make mistakes, I aim to do better. In some environments mistakes may cost me a lot.

We have a work party in two weeks. I may now not go. It is not a nice group of people. Although I need to guard against isolating myself, I think being discerning with the company I keep, is also wise.

I went to the gym after work. Medicine to remove the stress from my body.

Hi

In time our fears reduce and our trust grows, but some times some one lets us down.

Getting angry we hurt our self.

Process it in a healthy way and let go of it.

I have even heard of people talking behind my back.

It is very sad they do nto have soem thing more interesting to talk about.

In truth I have forgotten the number of times I have betrayed people. before and after my recovery.

Thank you for sharing your hurt and dissapointment in certain people.

Love and peace to every one

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham UK

Hiya Freda,

I very much relate to your thoughts on "dysregulation" of emotions. I had feelings of deep rage towards my management the other day, because I thought they were taking advantage of my good nature, cancelling my shifts at my place of work just down the road and plotting to have me back at my old place of work 6 days a week... as they are short staffed.

In retrospect I now realise, that this wasn't the case. It was me whom had become paranoid and assumed that they were f*****g me over cos they could. But at the time the feelings were very real and very upsetting. I through my rattle out the pram, fearing the worst, perhaps in a similar way to when you thought you were gonna end up on the self-scan torture devices from hell ;-). From what you say though, you held it together so you did really well... I didn't.. the relationship with my boss has been affected.

When I dig a little deeper, I remind myself that i have deep seating trust issues. Still very much a work in progress.

As you say, a session at the gym or a good run in my case, is good medicine.

Aw, SA, sorry to hear that you feel it has done some damage. To be honest, I think some damage is done, with my manager, too - but my mistake has been ranting to someone I can't trust. It's really not necessary to run and tell on someone, for ranting angrily about them. Especially when it's their boss. It is what it is. I realise now, I was actually ranting because this person didn't reassure me. I was put in a position that wasn't my fault and wanted to be able to protect my health, while still being liked. Without people resenting me making their life harder. I was looking for reassurance that she didn't dislike me for it, it never came, so I got upset. What I realise now, is I need to not give a fig whether she understands or still likes me. I want to be liked because it's more comfortable. I see her fully now and realise it's not important if she likes me or not. If she dislikes me for having a disability, I'll leave that with her. I don't think it's a very nice attitude to hold.

I am feeling a lot, this morning. I realised I've been telling myself I'm more well than I really am. It is true that I've massively grown in resilience but it is not a good environment for me. I have slipped into "doing" rather than "being" mode. I've been running like this for quite some time. I've "gotten away with it" but when I think about doing a form of work, where you need to be in a good place, I'm shocked at how far from that, I am.

I used to give Reiki treatments on a self-employed basis, alongside my part-time employment. Someone messaged me, requesting a treatment and I wanted to be able to do it - but when I thought about whether I actually could, in reality, I was shocked at how far from that, I feel. It has brought up a lot of emotion in me. Feeling very vulnerable today. However, awareness is good. We need it as a starting point. Despite facing how out of whack and vulnerable I feel, these days, has given me a shock - it's my truth right now, today. I can begin to work on it. I think it's a good time to list all the things I've improved on, to balance those feelings:

1) Despite being disregulated at work, last week, I have managed not to be off sick for over a year, now, for mental health reasons. This may be the first time I've gone a whole year, ever.

2) I left a scary, abusive man, who cheated on me and lied to me, only 4 months ago. It is testament to my increased resilience that I haven't been off sick, despite that being a brutally painful experience.

3) I have dealt with my ex partner, who was very controlling, getting a job at my workplace.

4) I have stopped repeating some patterns. I was texting with a man for a long time, who never asked to arrange meeting. I told him it was upsetting me, that it wasn't good for me. I stayed in the situation a few more weeks, then left it. This is positive change. I stopped looking for love in the wrong place. This man was not available. Only he knows why. It wasn't fair on me, or my job to *make* him like me enough. I am enough for someone who is available.

5) I've gone to my first GA meeting and it was something that was fairly easy to do, at this time. This shows increased resilience on my part.

6) I am physically healthy and fit. I can run 5k. I am 43 years old. This is good enough for me, I feel I am doing well, for my age.

7) I regularly go dancing, in the next city, after working, also, on a Sunday. I couldn't have done this in the past. This is progress.

8) I am menopausal. This is wreaking havoc on my emotions but I still haven't deteriorated.

9) I very rarely have days where I'm completely debilitated by my mental health. This used to be common, as it took me longer to bounce back from things.

10) I need less help and support, these days. I'm glad about this, as it put strain on my relationships and made it hard to have anything to give.

1) I rarely need to take valium to cope with life, on bad days, now.

2) I have run 5k twice, this week.

3) I've been doing well at sticking to my diet, again.

4) I meditated again, last night. I think that's been 3 times in the past week.

5) I had a lovely walk with my dog friends, this morning.

6) It is payday tomorrow - praise be!

7) I haven't gambled today.

8) I have seen another job opportunity, that might be good for me.

9) I hung laundry out today.

10) The rain meant I didn't have to water the plants!

Freda,

Sound like a positive day & much achieved. Seen the odd post but often wondered if you're ok & why you haven't been on chat much. Breath of fresh air when you turned up tonight. Stay in touch.

AL

@slowlearner aww, thanks, Al. I'm just much busier with working unsociable hours. I have started to attend an in-person GA meeting, locally. I lapsed after the break up of my last relationship, which became abusive. I reached out to a few friends but many flaked on me or did not respond. Sign of the times, sadly.

1) Someone was rude, in a catty way, today, at work and I noticed I didn't have a strong reaction.

2) I submitted a job application, tonight, despite being tired from work.

3) I have stuck to my diet well, this week.

4) I smelled lovely today. I used them beads in me washing. They're expensive but a nice treat.

5) I had a sunbed session. Not everyone will see this as positive but for me, it's to make me feel good.

6) I treated myself to a nice, takeaway coffee, after work.

7) I treated myself to a new handbag.

8) I went and cuddled my favourite little dog and it made her so happy and content.

9) I used my food, well, today. Minimised waste by eating things in the right order.

10) Watered my seedlings and hung out a few pieces of laundry, before the rain.

Hi

It is highly recommended to not start new realtionships in recovery untill you have found a healthy life in your self.

Often people will  find the same kind of person while they are not healthy.

Attending an in-person GA meeting is the path to healthy path.

I use to have such a deep seated rage in me.

Having such a cruel rage in me I use to hurt myself and people around me.

The rage and anger in me indicated that my hurt inner child was not healed.

I found that I could nto help other people untill I helped myself get healthier in my self.

The choices we make during our addictive and obsessiive days and during our recovery get to be much more healthier and with clearer thinking I can work things out.

I did not have a clue who I was, I went against my own coscience I to use react in such unhealthy ways.

My expectations of other has reduced yet my expectations of my self has increaesed, I know in my self so there is so much more I can do with my life today.

Love and peace to every one

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham UK

Cheers, Dave.

I get where you're coming from in terms of relationships. I think sometimes, you still meet unhealthy people but it takes a month or two to realise it, as they are pretending to be a nicer person. Putting on an act. I don't think any abusive person shouts at the other, on a first date. If you are unhealed you stay, if you have healed, you leave.

Hi

Unhealthy people try to person please, trying to impress person, puting on an act a facade.

Sadly it takes time to get to know some one.

Healthy people have nothing to hide.

In healing in the recovery program a big part is honesty fearlessness, sincerety doing things because you want to do them unconditionally.

Giving of your self unconditionally is an expression of genuine love.

If a person is healthy they will not do any thing which clashes with thier conscience.

A healthy intimate realtionship is based up on spiritual values.

By being in recovery I would understand how unhealthy I was and would want to not only heal but improve my realtionship with myself.

Only when I can love myself can I love other people.

Only when I can respect myself can I respect other people.

Only when I can be honest with myself can I be honest with other people.

Some people might think that physical or sexual attraction is the most important thing about healthy relationships, I think like and respecting a person is more important than attraction.

I did not have a clue at all what so ever about realtionships when I got married.

Now after 50 years of marriage I still ignorance.

But living with out fear is very important, being your self is important.

That not having control issues is important, working together and talking about needs wants and goals is important.

In my recovery the most important thing for my wife was honesty.

Once I opened up one day and told my wife I was panicking should not beleive me as I use to put on such a facade built on my fears.

Making out I was some one I was not.

By our open up sharing helps us, talking about finances important, keeping each other well informed about plans and what is happeneing in my recovery.

The sad fact I got more honest in my therapies in the meetings than I could be with my wife, I found that weird, I think it was fear or rejection that she would not like me if she got to know the real me.

In time in our sharing we both understand tha we both had pains that were not healed and fears we did not understand.

You investing in some safe time to get to know people is a good investment in your self.

I used to be so scared of the opposite s*x yet did not admit it to any one till a long time in my recovery.

Lots of people fear being them self because of fear of rejection.

There are aggressive and suppress aggressive people both are unhealthy for us.

Once you get in to recovery and have counselling you get to see your self in so many people in who I use to be.

If you are healed, and see some clues to a person suppressing the truth about them self be careful.

If you are willing to accept the very worst that can happen and willing to walk away and not take any personal baggage on board from another person be safe and secure in your self.

The recovery program has empowered me to be more open and honest and have healthy realtionships with all people.

I found that my fears disabled me for a great part of my life.

Love and peace to every one

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham UK

I am full of cold, feel a little P oopy. It was a shame because I couldn't enjoy my day off, yesterday, fully. Just wanted to rest. 

I still went to my meeting. A guy came to chair as a guest, as the usual chair is away. He seemed to really enjoy telling his story. I remember thinking "aren't you tired of telling your story?" I couldn't imagine telling it, over and over, in different GA groups, for years and years on end. I mean, it probably serves a function, like staying connected with how bad it can get, I guess. I did enjoy hearing about the social side of recovery he has. He is going to do the three peaks, soon, with a group of recovery people. Maybe this is where I find my people, I don't know. I just want to have people to do life with. Enjoy experiences together. 

Haven't gambled. Feeling a bit lethargic and finding it hard to keep my house clean and tidy.

Think I'm genuinely just quite tired. Still having menopause symptoms. I've started chatting to a really nice guy and started worrying he won't think I'm good enough. I think it's related to the bad sides of men, I've seen over the years. Like I won't be slim enough or want enough s*x. My body has started deciding to bleed twice a month, again and it felt bad that my ex partner resented that it made me less available for intimacy. It had nothing to do with not wanting him, it just had to do with being tired and feeling "messy" and a bit gross. Like, it's quite understandable to feel that way, under those circumstances but he was quite selfish and immature about the way he dealt with this. No compassion for me. I wouldn't wallow in self-pity but was going through a time where I was less able to be available in that way, through no fault of my own. He actually compounded it and made it worse by having a selfish attitude about it - which made me find him less attractive.

It's good to get these thoughts and feelings out.

I feel so worried about humanity. 

I'm having a bad week, when it comes to human interactions but there are so many people lacking any compassion or empathy. It genuinely scares the shoot out of me.

Hi

Before my recovery I thought that I was the only one with emotional issues.

As I got healthier and more aware I found out that lots of people ahve not healed from tehri past pains.

I am not able to change the world or ist humanity.

Yet once I am healthier and my fears reduce I can interact with like minded healthier people in the recovery program.

I feel less worried and have far less fears today.

In becoming more healthier I have more compassion and empathy for other people.

The fact I have more empathy for myself I am abale to have more empathy for other people.

I found that having compassion empathy and intimacy was all part of my healing porcess.

I am sorry to hear you are having a bad week, sadly you are being tested in your recovery.

In tyime we are able to process our frustrations and reduce our expectations of the unhealthy peopler we have dealings with and let go of it.

Stay calm and collective in what can be an unhealthy world at times.

Love and peace to every one 

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham UK