Going to keep this thread now!

It has been the strangest of times.

Last week, I got a convicted s*x offender banned from a dating website. I also got overwhelmed and told my new boss, it is not working out, as I can't cope with the messages at night and in the morning, about work. It's a daily thing and the earliest was at 5.25am asking a trivial question. I asked her if we could come to an arrangement together, where she offered me my notice stating reasons beyond my control and she said she could not do this. This forced me to grass her up to hr and her area manager wants to talk to me, next week about her behaviour. Clever me, took screenshots and silly her, harassed us on an app that time stamps all messages.

So, I'm on the sick and will hopefully be let go, in a nice way, with hr's help. It is starting to feel ;like my mission on earth, is to stand up to psychopaths. It is very stressful.

I passed the 90 day mark and got my GA coin thing.

Gratitude list, time!

1) I done a daft video of me squirting cream into my mouth, last night and sent it to a friend, to make him laugh. He said he'd had a bad day and it brought him joy.

2) I did a lot of big, belly laughs sending it, in the first place. Imagining my friend watching it.

3) My current foster cat, is a hoot. He wants to be everyone's mate and gatecrashed a neighbours bar-b-que, last week.

4) I stood up to my naughty boss, yesterday. It was so stressful and I nearly had a panic attack but I stayed calm and civil. Well proud of my bad self.

5) Having dealt with some proper crackerjacks in the past, I had the good sense to take screenshots of naughty boss's behaviour, pestering staff at all hours. I've got her right by the flaps! haha

6) I got more than I expected, for my final pay, from old job. A good hundred more. Wahey!

7) hr at new job, have told me to stay off, until I've spoken to the area manager. I can relax for a few days, knowing I've covered myself there.

8) I used a local, independent computer place to figure out what was up with my laptop and it's sorted the same day. Only cost me £20.

9) I'm laughing to myself, that the computer man has probably seen my boobies. There must be a picture, somewhere in the cloud, that I've sent to an ex, or summat. I don't know how to wipe the cloud. I don't really understand that stuff. Oh, well!

10) I got my 90 day coin keyring thing, at my GA meeting, this week.

I've felt a lot of overwhelm today.

Just talked to a help advisor on webchat and feeling a bit calmer and able to think straight.

People everywhere seem to be struggling with overwhelm. I've seen a couple of people on the forum heading for burnout for a long time - but I must put my co-dependency down and mind my own business. I've hinted at it a few times but then you have to let people get on with it and mind your own business. It's hard letting people find out the hard way. Especially when you've been there and know how that feels.

So, I recently left my job of 4 years, as I could no longer cope with it. I worked my notice and started the new job and was just about getting away with it. I don't know if anyone reading, can relate to that feeling, when you know things are going to start feeling less intense, in a matter of days, if you can just make it there.....

I was so close but something gave. I didn't realise how close to only just getting away with it, I was, until I had to deal with talking to the area manager about new bosses unboundaried behaviour. Triggered A LOT of my stuff. I kept it together during the call but then have just been weeping and weeping. 

I will be OK but it's the accumulation of hanging in there and being strong for a bit too long. I noticed myself dissociating while talking to a friend, before this phonecall. A sign I'm quite poorly and something I haven't experienced for a while.

Hard day today. I do have onion rings in the oven, so I know I have been worse, but very hard day.

Feeling a bit better today

Feeling a lot, today.

I have been using dating apps for a while, now and to be honest, I had gotten to the point where I didn't expect to start talking to anyone, who seemed a good prospect. It's very rare anyone seems worth meeting up with in real life. I'd like to explain that I'm not using the word "worth" in the way where I think anyone is worthless. I just mean it's rare to get talking to anyone who seems to have anything to offer. I understand my attachment style, so it's not good for me to connect with flaky, avoidant people. Obviously, behind the scenes, if I were a fly on the wall, I'd probably learn all of the other circumstances around their behaviour. Some would have sunk into a deep depression and had a few days where they couldn't communicate at all. Some will have met someone since we started chatting and so they stop replying because of that. Some will have different values to me and don't want to have that awkward conversation. etc. etc.

So, there's loads of reasons why people aren't showing up, reliably, that have nothing to do with me. Sometimes it's a case of not being compatible. Anyway, my point is, I have lost touch with the actual purpose of these apps. To meet someone and try to find a relationship. 

So, since my life went a bit pear shaped, work-wise, I have still being using them and swiping right sometimes. I also see it as a way of practising getting to know a person. Using the social muscle.

Anyway, I got talking to someone who is relating in an outstanding way. Good social skills, polite, appropriate, replies in a reasonable time-frame, good at making conversation. I was not expecting it! I started to feel annoyed, that we had connected at a time when I'm not doing great, my confidence is low and I probably shouldn't be trying to start a relationship. However, I thought I'll meet him for a coffee, no big deal, hopefully I won't like him and that will be that.

I didn't dislike him but I did sort of have something sprung on me, which felt weird. I hadn't noticed that he hadn't put down what height he was. I feel for shorter men because a lot of people will automatically discount them, just based on that. At the same time, I feel weird having it sprung on me. I had mentioned in passing, that I'm probably a bit chubbier than in my photos, as I've gained a bit of weight. Not loads but I understand that I can't make someone who doesn't like curves, like them. So, I was signalling that if a skinny woman is really important to you, I'm probably not your type. Anyway, 20 minutes before we were due to meet, he told me what colour jacket he was wearing and that "I'm not the tallest, either". I really didn't like the feeling of not knowing what that meant. I was wondering if someone 4ft10 was going to turn up, or if he just meant he was on the shorter side for a man, maybe 5ft6. I felt a bit like I'd been tricked into a situation. I'm not particularly shallow but someone 4ft10 would probably be a bit too short for me. There are shorter women who might be more suited to that. I'm 5'5". No-one likes to admit these things but we all have preferences and ranges of things we're comfortable with. When he arrived, it turned out he was about the same height as me but the weird way it had been presented, kind of made me feel a bit icky about it. I remember meeting up with someone who was at least 2 stones heavier than in their pictures. I remember thinking, I'd still have met him if I'd had an up to date picture but I was now feeling disappointed and a bit tricked. There's something about presenting yourself deceptively, that doesn't feel good. It's actually quite controlling, manipulative, in a subtle way. It's a fine balance because some things aren't appropriate to disclose, immediately.

 So it went OK, the first date. He's a really pleasant guy. He might grow on me, might not. I'm seeing him again tomorrow but I can't really be bothered because of how I'm feeling, emotionally. It's funny how much better and clearer I feel about it all, just from writing it all down. 

I feel quite despondent. Weary. It's hard to trust that these feelings will probably pass by themselves.

Probably shouldn't have gone to my GA meeting, last night, the way I was feeling.

I wept for the first hour, then I managed to gather myself a bit and tried to make a brief contribution and the person chairing the meeting, cut me off and started rambling on. He talks so much and is so boring. I can't be bothered to couch it in flowery language, everyone's face speaks volumes. He just loves the sound of his own voice. 

I can take responsibility for my part, though. I was a bit passive-aggressive at the end of the meeting. Not only had he cut me off, mid sentence, he wrapped up the meeting without asking if I wanted to share. I had gathered myself and was no longer crying. 

One of the guys interjected and said "do you need to share anything before we end?" and I said "thank you" in a sarcastic voice. Sort of 'thank goodness someone in the room has some awareness'. It was nice that everyone else in the room was not so oblivious. I'm not sure about the GA stuff on removing your character flaws because I know what they are, I do definitely have many but it takes someone really rude and unkind or oblivious, to trigger them. I've always been in two minds about this stuff because is it asking people to be perfect? and is that realistic?

That being said, I'd like to improve my ability to bite my tongue more than I have now. I've improved a lot but there's still room for improvement.

@freda I feel for anyone who doesn’t have a good Ga meeting because I know how important they are. I also understand what it’s like to have either a personality clash or a chair who is oblivious to those around them. Hopefully that chair doesn’t chair every week or if you are over three months clean then chair yourself.

I had to leave a group once when I found it too cliquey so I found another group that was 40 minutes away but much better for me at that time. What was 40 minutes when I’d put in a lot more effort to gamble?

I’d like to just give you a different viewpoint to changing your character and your character defects.

I don’t know if you have found it yet but in GA there are two parts. The first is just in the orange book which talks about liabilities and assets. It asks us to watch for liabilities and to strive for assets. It doesn’t say achieve perfection. It says strive for, so if you have a liability, let’s say hot-headedness, then you strive for calmness. The fact that you are aware of it means you can watch out for it. If you can watch for it it means you can try to not become it. The key is try.

The second part is steps 6,7 and 10 in the twelve steps. You can’t do this until you have done steps 1-5, and really looked at those character defects that you’d like and need to change. Even then it says it’s a work in progress, getting a little better each day, striving for perfection but trying nonetheless. For many years I thought if I just stopped gambling I’d be okay because I didn’t realise what my issues were. Only once I honestly looked at myself could I begin to try to be a better person. I’m trying now. I don’t always get it right but I try. 
Good luck.

Chris.

Thanks so much, Chris. That was really helpful input. I appreciate it.

I'm a bit unsure of myself, in terms of how I've acted, on the oblivious chair. I was talking to a friend today, about how to kindly try and raise a person's awareness about something, without being harsh or shaming.

Realistically, this is the only meeting I'm likely to get to, for the foreseeable future, as anxiety means it's difficult to travel to ones further afield. Someone once challenged me on this and said "I imagine you would travel that far to bet, though, wouldn't you?" Do you know what? I honestly wouldn't. I never have done. It's a genuine barrier to everything. I can take a risk and travel and I regularly do but I have to prioritise other things first. Staying well enough to buy food and supplies, get to the pharmacy to collect my meds etc. So, it's honestly not an excuse.

I thought a lot today, about some of the orange book stuff, like having humility and tolerance for the flaws of others and not expecting the world to bend, to fit your preferences. I decided that I do need to let it go and accept it as something I can't change, if gentle, respectful, attempts to raise his awareness don't work. I came to the conclusion that a subtle prompt was acceptable, given the circumstances. 

I'm aware, though, that on some levels, it is a little manipulative. I thought about how I could take my accountability for the situation and decided that I'd be happy to apologise for having a bit of an attitude. It was passive aggressive and I could own that. I could also gently explain why I'd acted out but that I understood it was no excuse.

So I messaged him apologising for being rude to him and that I possibly shouldn't have gone to a meeting, in such a poorly regulated state. He replied that I wasn't rude and I have all the more reason to need to go to a meeting, if I'm in that much pain.

I thanked him for his graciousness but insisted that I'd had an attitude. That I'd felt frustrated when I wasn't allowed to finish, when I'd tried to make a contribution but it didn't justify having a bad attitude. I think it went straight over his head, to be honest. I don't think he realised I was trying to make him aware of how he'd cut me off. 

Maybe it was manipulative to mention why I'd acted out but I genuinely was trying to spark a bit more awareness in him, without guilt tripping. 

I tried, with good intentions. I can let it go, now. I've got a plan for future meetings. If I turn up and he's chair, I'll just mention at the start, that I can only stay for the first half hour. A lot of people do this. It isn't an issue, in our meeting. At least that way, I can still get some connection, without having to suffer the whole thing.

Doing a lot of good thinking and figuring stuff out, today.

I wanted to acknowledge for myself, the massive reduction in lashing out, acting out my anger and reactivity that I've achieved. I really have made a lot of progress and it gives me hope that change is possible and I can overcome this trait that is harming me way more than it's helping.

That pause, that slowing down of the reactivity, means I'm less likely to act out and if I do, it will be less big and out of proportion. 

Killjoys really pee me off. Finally having a laugh and taking my mind off my problems.

I like being treated like an adult.

I'm in so much pain, tonight.

It's as if I've just realised how badly traumatised I am. My trauma feels really difficult today. A lot of things are triggering me. Things hurt more, today.

Thank goodness I don't feel this bad, every day.

I just don't trust people to not be unkind. I'm scared of the reaction it can trigger in me. 

I have been to the gym today and washed my hair. I'm doing good, for a bad day. 

The loneliness is very painful today, strong emotional pain in my heart. I thought it was overwhelming me earlier but I'm going to try and get through it. I have tranquilisers, if I can't cope.

It calms me down a bit, to write. 

I could really do with someone safe to hold me, tonight. My cats are here, it's better than nothing.

Right, this is going to sound a bit graphic but I don't care, it's how I feel. I'm not scared of feeling my feelings, in general. I have a lot of them and sometimes it takes all of my energy but usually, I'm pretty hardcore and can cry and feel for hours. It feels like a release and I feel better for it. A bit like going to the toilet. Bear with me, haha.

However, have you ever needed to go to the toilet but it's hard? and you get a bit scared of....letting it out? you're scared it's going to hurt too much, it's too big, too much at once. That's how I feel, tonight. Sorry for the toilet analogy but it's the exact emotional equivalent. Possibly similar to giving birth to a child but I've never done that.

I've had a nice tranquiliser. Calmed me down.

Hi Freda, 

So sorry to hear you are having a bad time of it.

Don`t ever stop being you for fear of people being unkind. Be you not what people want you to be, and yes it sounds easy but you have to be true to yourself. I have got to a point in my life where i am truly being me, if people don`t like that then that is there problem.

Hang around with people you feel comfortable with, join groups of people with similar interests, get involved in community groups, animal protection groups, anything that you feel an affinity with.

In my life so far i`ve lost my 3 closest pals, luckily i`m fairly outgoing and not shy in conversation but in certain circles i do feel uncomfortable so tend to stick to groups of people that i am comfortable with.

One thing that i`ve learned with trying to quit gambling is to deal with one problem at a time, otherwise my senses, emotions and mental well being become overloaded which lead to me making bad decisions and acting rashly. Manage your problems into compartments and work on them 1 at a time, starting with the problem you are most likely to fix.

Every time you deal with a problem praise yourself, seriously everyone needs praise from time to time, so you tell yourself how proud of stuff you are from time to time.

Hopefully speak on chat soon and that you start to feel a bit happier and more positive in the very near future.

thanks, lids

I understand what you are saying. In all truth, if someone is unkind, I don't think I deserve it. I do usually think it's their problem. It's the emotional reaction inside me, that comes up, that is very strong and painful and overwhelming.

It just doesn't feel good. I feel uncomfortable. Sometimes I feel rage. It's how strong the emotions are. I know they are worse at the moment because I have had to leave two bad jobs in a row. I don't have anyone at home, to go home to. I don't really exist to anyone in a meaningful way.

Lots of stuff is raw, for me, at the moment. I do think there is something wrong with human beings. Do you know who always love me? animals. Because I'm kind and gentle and loving. Genuinely so. I don't trust that many people are genuinely that way.