Going to keep this thread now!

Thanks, Faking it. 

Yes, it's not my problem, the friends being chaotic. Just a sad wake up call for me. They are very unhealthy people and it's sad but they can do what they want. It's sad is all. I'm very open and genuine. I'm honest about my vulnerability and she has been a bit superior about it, to be honest. She has to hide what she is doing because she's been judgemental with me. I just want to be treated with respect, which I think is OK, but you're entitled to disagree. 

As for the pip squeak. No, it's not me having a fragile ego, she's really rude and inappropriate. Many people struggle with her. My feelings are stronger at the moment which is not her fault but she's awful. It's not the done thing, to speak to other people like that, in our workplace. She wants to be a manager and will be awful to people. People who don't deserve it. 

I hear what you are saying about people with fragile egos. Mine can be, at times. However, I think it's awful to be rude to your colleagues and talk down to them. It's just unkind. It's always people on lower grades. She treats everyone else with respect. I think only bad people do that. I'm just going to stay out of her way. I gave her a few chances.

Hi Freda,

I'm having a little skive from work and sat on side of Thames watching how the city works before I head back into my fellow rats.

You interpreted my previous message wrong but that's ok, there my words and and when I press send, they are no longer my words and can be interpreted in any other way.

As with fragile egos, on a scale of 1/10 they differ, just like mental health. So, the only thing within our *** is trying to be blind to others and just work on ours. Easier said than done, I know, so a little hypocrisy from this Jabber.

Something that fascinated me, and only my equation so doesn't matter whether right or wrong is the work of Freud Vs a chap called Abraham Maslow. My interpretation of this was the latter had an abundance of Guinea pigs to practice on and the latter only had a few as there are a lot more unhealthy people out rather than healthy ones. Check out - The hierarchy of needs ! And work in making this sh-ite confusing life we are dealt with and simplify it, as after all we're simple folk getting trapped in the trappings of sh-ite.

Better get to work 

Oh, sorry about that. I wasn't annoyed, I just genuinely didn't agree on your theory but it was a fair suggestion. 

I wonder if you meant someone trying to boost their own ego, yes, she probably is. I don't care for people who do it at the expense of others, though. Putting other people down. It's that behaviour that I despise. It's horrid.

I know I was provocative back to her. Questioning her claims. It's to try and get her to back off and not do her rubbish on me. I don't care what she thinks of me. I don't think she is a nice person. It's actually because I don't want to go off on her. I'm trying to prevent it, from coming to that. I am dragging up trauma right now, in therapy and so I am raw. I know that's not for her to compensate for. I keep to myself, if I think I will make people feel like they are walking on eggshells. People trying to domineer me, unfairly is a trigger for me. She is a risky person to be around, right now. I do my best to not take my stuff out on people, I honestly do but when you are in a bad place and people poke you, it's awful.

I dunno if that makes sense. I know it's no-one's job to tiptoe around me but it's extra hard right now when people are disrespectful. I usually don't care that much. 

Everything is heightened right now. I'm finding it hard to function.

Anyway, I got a very useful memory jog about humility, from something you said. It doesn't matter if you meant to remind me or not, I liked something reminding me. So I'm very happy either way, haha! But yes, I like the awareness of potential superiority, creeping in, describing people as very unhealthy. I am very unhealthy, myself. Best to focus on my own unhealthiness. Although, to be a bit of a know it all, I really am, haha! as I'm paying for expensive trauma therapy even though I'm on the dole. I don't care what anyone else thinks, on this front. I am doing a lot to help myself and work on myself. I am holding myself accountable. Making good choices. 

It helps to write a lot, when I'm having one of my episodes. 

I'm a little embarrassed that I am a bit toxic at the moment. I don't want to be. All of my triggers are freshly exposed. It's calculated risk. Hopefully, temporary difficult behaviour and touchiness for real progress on healing the awful amount of shame, that I have. It's really hard to function when it is triggered. That's why I'm not doing anything challenging. I can't cope with people. It's risky if they're awful to me, in a raw moment because I feel shame and rage and it's so hard to keep it inside my body. It's holding me back in life. For now, it's the right thing to do.

Hi Freda,

Just by looking at your last post as I would look into a fish bowl, my observation was how many times you validated yourself.

f----u*k validation your breaking through, so good on you - keep pushing

Have a good weekend 

Thanks very much!

My mental health is in a right state. This trauma therapy is drawing everything to the surface. I don't think I realised how much shame I actually have and feel. 

I'm not even going to work, tomorrow. I haven't really functioned all week.

I just want to get better. I wish I didn't struggle so much, to cope with workplaces.

I need to find a way to make money for myself.

It's quite complex these days with search engines and so on. I will figure it out. I thought maybe vegan brownies by post, or something. 

Something where I don't need to deal with people face to face.

Feeling a lot better, after my session today. We just did normal talking therapy and some sort of tapping exercise. 

I'm even going to go to work and just keep to myself.

One day at a time, is all we have, eh? 

I'm able to eat again and do self-care. I think having a stomach bug, last week, as well as a bad time hormonally, just made it more over whelming.

No gambling to report. Just haven't felt like posting.

I'm doing OK. Up and down, such is life, haha.

Good to see you in chat tonight.

I detect a much more laid back Freda of late, dare i say happier?

And its so good to see!!

Ah, thanks, lids.

Yeah, I dunno. I think I'm becoming less reactive. Maybe a bit more secure.

The best way I'd sum it up, is I used to be quite afraid of very critical, negative people, as they could make me feel bad about myself and doubt myself. Now, I feel like I just see it as silly. Silliness that has nothing to do with me. I don't need to worry about. 

A good friend is still a bit hostile in energy and I don't really care, anymore. It used to make me doubt myself but now I just see it as a tendency to be a bit harsh. It's not ideal, we need to be around positive people too. I've got a more calm awareness of the need for balance and to just keep an eye on these influences.

I'm very open about most of my experiences and feelings but she is very closed and private. I think I have just figured it out. Like, to be so harsh and snarky and critical of other people, you have to be quite secretive. It's sort of a tense way to live because you don't meet your own standards. She seems quite paranoid. Concerned with what other people think. There's a therapy that talks about this, it's called reciprocal roles. It's like a circular thing. Quite hard to describe. If you are quite harsh with other people, you kind of presume everyone else is going to be just as harsh. 

So, I used to let it get to me and feel shamed by the negativity. I feel more detached and just like I can't relate. Her and this other pal, she's started knocking about with, are quite woke. Like, have an opinion on everything, in a very purist way. High standards, I suppose. I just don't relate to that anymore. I don't think it's a practical way to live. 

I have reconnected with an ex, recently and there is stuff about him I am not keen on and don't think he's right for me. They have quite strong views on him, label him quickly, as this or that. I dunno....I think he's just damaged but who isn't? There's a lot that's bad about him but there's a lot that's good about him, as well. I just don't talk about him anymore, as I don't value their opinions on him. They presume themselves much better than him but I don't. It's not constructive to tell them that, though.

She has split up with her long term partner and I'm not keen on him. He has a similar superior "better than" air, that isn't really true or deserved. I can see him quite accurately, as sort of an average person. It's the moralistic superiority that I am not keen on being around. He has been a bit erratic lately. He's just lost his long-term partner. It's normal. We were talking about things he has said and done, recently but I was more of the attitude "well, it's not nice to be on the receiving end of. I can imagine it's not comfortable - but really, it's pretty normal. People aren't their best selves when they're in pain, are they? I can imagine myself doing something similar." 

Now, I'm at risk of playing the "better than" game myself, here but I just think it's a more comfortable way to look at things. More humble. Talking about things that are out of order but then sort of humbly accepting that I've been out of order when I've been in pain, as well. It's just a common thing. I'm not better than him. 

She told me he'd wanted to thank me, for the kind intention behind giving a mutual friend a heads up, that he was going through a hard time. Encouraging someone to reach out to him. It was quite funny because I found myself not particularly caring, either way. I thought it was a good thing he'd acknowledged the kindness but I didn't really care what he thought of me, anyway. I'd said to her I wasn't against him doing that but that I just generally feel uncomfortable around him and can't look him in the eye, so I wouldn't be able to receive it properly, anyway. I don't want to lash out at him or blank him but I would find it hard to communicate with him. I'm a bit like that. If someone gets to a point where they fall below a certain basic respect level, I just can't engage with them. It's not stubbornness, it's just aversion.

I feel quite angry and down, today. 

I haven't heard back about the cleaning job I didn't even really want and my line manager hasn't replied to me about swapping my work day, so I can do some artist's model work. 

The GP won't renew my fit note without speaking to them, even though it's virtually impossible to get an appointment. I'm sick of everything being a right ache in the testicles.

It has been one of those weeks. Intense. Where good things have happened but I haven't been able to appreciate them, due to feeling fraught and overwhelmed.

I got my mind into a really paranoid, shame-feeling place, earlier in the week. Loads of things had triggered my frustrations and insecurities. I got convinced that people hated me and I was a nuisance. I thought I had even been rejected for a part-time, temporary cleaning job. No disrespect to cleaners out there, I have a lot of respect for them. They are the backbone of the country and without them, our lives would be much more unpleasant. However - it doesn't feel good to not get a job that tends to be quite an easy one to get. That was what made me feel despondent. Cleaners are always in demand, as they do the dirty work a lot of people won't.

My diary is about truth, so I talk about things I'm embarrassed about. I messaged my manager, to ask if I would be able to swap my working day, just occasionally, so I could take up another opportunity, that had arisen. It was something I felt good about. A light in the dark. We have already had conversations about how it doesn't matter too much, which day I work, so I thought it was a small ask, rather than a big demand, that wasn't reasonable.

Flipping instant messaging mediums, tell us when someone has read our message, though, don't they? Sometimes we're better off not knowing. So, I knew she'd seen it. I saw her at work, later that day, she didn't mention anything but I didn't chase it, figuring she's busy, she'll get back to me, when she can. By the end of the next day, she still hadn't replied. I was feeling a bit paranoid. I send a polite nudge, message, saying sorry to pester you, do you have to think about it for a while? Just needed some response or acknowledgement, you know? Nothing. So that's when my thoughts started to spiral. My confidence is in bits in general, at the moment. I messaged her the next day, saying I need to go off sick and feel worthless. Of course, now, she replies straight away. So, although I know I haven't done anything "wrong" as such, I wish I hadn't got to the point where I felt despairing and paranoid. 

Anyway, although it was poor management skills on her part - she's very busy at the moment, covering for someone else, who is off sick - I still think a quick acknowledgement, just saying "I think that should be fine but I'll get back to you soon, I'm a bit swamped at the moment" would have been better. When you're not acknowledged, it can make a person worry all sorts of things.

Anyway, I've been an emotional wreck, this week. Feeling a lot of shame and paranoia. However, I did get offered the cleaning job eventually. I don't know if anyone reading can understand but when you get offered a new job while you're in a terrified, anxious headspace, it feels like a bad thing. It's a shame. I know I will gradually bring myself back to equilibrium and be happy about the good news. It's just a lot, during a bad mental health week.

There have been other stressors, like standing on my laptop and breaking the screen but needing another one more or less immediately because of my job applications and I'm having therapy over zoom, every week. My foster cat has someone interested, so we're doing introductions to his existing cat, later today. Again, not feeling in the best place for this, RIGHT NOW but can appreciate it's also good news. 

All of these thing are just life, but too many within the space of a few days. 

All of that considered, I have not gambled. Cheers to that!

Cat introductions went really well! He's going out on trial, tomorrow!

I'll miss the little scamp but he's off to a great home.

Feeling so grateful to have been of use, in a way that society doesn't reward, officially. 

I find it hard to hold down paid employment. It's constantly triggering. I spent a few years cuddling cats, though, at a local rescue. When it was all I could cope with. It made a difference, though. It was useful.

I'm looking at pics of happy cats, I recognise, on their social media page and getting a happy, warm, glow inside. I helped a lot of those cats, when they were scared and confused. I have made a difference on this earth. I must never forget that.

Today, I'm so very grateful for

1) The Samaritans. A beautiful thing, that someone wants to make sure there's always someone there.

2) My happy cat. She is so happy the foster cat has gone. It's lovely to witness. She is chatty and chirpy.

3) A good home for my foster cat. He will be adored, in his new home.

4) My exercise bike. It has helped me tonight, to do 15 minutes and get a bit sweaty.

5) My warm and safe home. 

6) My sense of humour and love of the absurd.

7) My friends. Someone sent me some cutes today, cos they knew I'd like them. 

8) My nice lunch. I had a bakewell slice, for pudding.

9) Kind people being supportive.

10) My singing group. I hope I'm well enough to go, in the morning.

Lots of things to be greatful for. Your doing well freda and have the support of everyone here. Keep going strong ? 

Love stace x