Going to keep this thread now!

Probably shouldn't have gone to my GA meeting, last night, the way I was feeling.

I wept for the first hour, then I managed to gather myself a bit and tried to make a brief contribution and the person chairing the meeting, cut me off and started rambling on. He talks so much and is so boring. I can't be bothered to couch it in flowery language, everyone's face speaks volumes. He just loves the sound of his own voice. 

I can take responsibility for my part, though. I was a bit passive-aggressive at the end of the meeting. Not only had he cut me off, mid sentence, he wrapped up the meeting without asking if I wanted to share. I had gathered myself and was no longer crying. 

One of the guys interjected and said "do you need to share anything before we end?" and I said "thank you" in a sarcastic voice. Sort of 'thank goodness someone in the room has some awareness'. It was nice that everyone else in the room was not so oblivious. I'm not sure about the GA stuff on removing your character flaws because I know what they are, I do definitely have many but it takes someone really rude and unkind or oblivious, to trigger them. I've always been in two minds about this stuff because is it asking people to be perfect? and is that realistic?

That being said, I'd like to improve my ability to bite my tongue more than I have now. I've improved a lot but there's still room for improvement.

@freda I feel for anyone who doesn’t have a good Ga meeting because I know how important they are. I also understand what it’s like to have either a personality clash or a chair who is oblivious to those around them. Hopefully that chair doesn’t chair every week or if you are over three months clean then chair yourself.

I had to leave a group once when I found it too cliquey so I found another group that was 40 minutes away but much better for me at that time. What was 40 minutes when I’d put in a lot more effort to gamble?

I’d like to just give you a different viewpoint to changing your character and your character defects.

I don’t know if you have found it yet but in GA there are two parts. The first is just in the orange book which talks about liabilities and assets. It asks us to watch for liabilities and to strive for assets. It doesn’t say achieve perfection. It says strive for, so if you have a liability, let’s say hot-headedness, then you strive for calmness. The fact that you are aware of it means you can watch out for it. If you can watch for it it means you can try to not become it. The key is try.

The second part is steps 6,7 and 10 in the twelve steps. You can’t do this until you have done steps 1-5, and really looked at those character defects that you’d like and need to change. Even then it says it’s a work in progress, getting a little better each day, striving for perfection but trying nonetheless. For many years I thought if I just stopped gambling I’d be okay because I didn’t realise what my issues were. Only once I honestly looked at myself could I begin to try to be a better person. I’m trying now. I don’t always get it right but I try. 
Good luck.

Chris.

Thanks so much, Chris. That was really helpful input. I appreciate it.

I'm a bit unsure of myself, in terms of how I've acted, on the oblivious chair. I was talking to a friend today, about how to kindly try and raise a person's awareness about something, without being harsh or shaming.

Realistically, this is the only meeting I'm likely to get to, for the foreseeable future, as anxiety means it's difficult to travel to ones further afield. Someone once challenged me on this and said "I imagine you would travel that far to bet, though, wouldn't you?" Do you know what? I honestly wouldn't. I never have done. It's a genuine barrier to everything. I can take a risk and travel and I regularly do but I have to prioritise other things first. Staying well enough to buy food and supplies, get to the pharmacy to collect my meds etc. So, it's honestly not an excuse.

I thought a lot today, about some of the orange book stuff, like having humility and tolerance for the flaws of others and not expecting the world to bend, to fit your preferences. I decided that I do need to let it go and accept it as something I can't change, if gentle, respectful, attempts to raise his awareness don't work. I came to the conclusion that a subtle prompt was acceptable, given the circumstances. 

I'm aware, though, that on some levels, it is a little manipulative. I thought about how I could take my accountability for the situation and decided that I'd be happy to apologise for having a bit of an attitude. It was passive aggressive and I could own that. I could also gently explain why I'd acted out but that I understood it was no excuse.

So I messaged him apologising for being rude to him and that I possibly shouldn't have gone to a meeting, in such a poorly regulated state. He replied that I wasn't rude and I have all the more reason to need to go to a meeting, if I'm in that much pain.

I thanked him for his graciousness but insisted that I'd had an attitude. That I'd felt frustrated when I wasn't allowed to finish, when I'd tried to make a contribution but it didn't justify having a bad attitude. I think it went straight over his head, to be honest. I don't think he realised I was trying to make him aware of how he'd cut me off. 

Maybe it was manipulative to mention why I'd acted out but I genuinely was trying to spark a bit more awareness in him, without guilt tripping. 

I tried, with good intentions. I can let it go, now. I've got a plan for future meetings. If I turn up and he's chair, I'll just mention at the start, that I can only stay for the first half hour. A lot of people do this. It isn't an issue, in our meeting. At least that way, I can still get some connection, without having to suffer the whole thing.

Doing a lot of good thinking and figuring stuff out, today.

I wanted to acknowledge for myself, the massive reduction in lashing out, acting out my anger and reactivity that I've achieved. I really have made a lot of progress and it gives me hope that change is possible and I can overcome this trait that is harming me way more than it's helping.

That pause, that slowing down of the reactivity, means I'm less likely to act out and if I do, it will be less big and out of proportion. 

Killjoys really pee me off. Finally having a laugh and taking my mind off my problems.

I like being treated like an adult.

I'm in so much pain, tonight.

It's as if I've just realised how badly traumatised I am. My trauma feels really difficult today. A lot of things are triggering me. Things hurt more, today.

Thank goodness I don't feel this bad, every day.

I just don't trust people to not be unkind. I'm scared of the reaction it can trigger in me. 

I have been to the gym today and washed my hair. I'm doing good, for a bad day. 

The loneliness is very painful today, strong emotional pain in my heart. I thought it was overwhelming me earlier but I'm going to try and get through it. I have tranquilisers, if I can't cope.

It calms me down a bit, to write. 

I could really do with someone safe to hold me, tonight. My cats are here, it's better than nothing.

Right, this is going to sound a bit graphic but I don't care, it's how I feel. I'm not scared of feeling my feelings, in general. I have a lot of them and sometimes it takes all of my energy but usually, I'm pretty hardcore and can cry and feel for hours. It feels like a release and I feel better for it. A bit like going to the toilet. Bear with me, haha.

However, have you ever needed to go to the toilet but it's hard? and you get a bit scared of....letting it out? you're scared it's going to hurt too much, it's too big, too much at once. That's how I feel, tonight. Sorry for the toilet analogy but it's the exact emotional equivalent. Possibly similar to giving birth to a child but I've never done that.

I've had a nice tranquiliser. Calmed me down.

Hi Freda, 

So sorry to hear you are having a bad time of it.

Don`t ever stop being you for fear of people being unkind. Be you not what people want you to be, and yes it sounds easy but you have to be true to yourself. I have got to a point in my life where i am truly being me, if people don`t like that then that is there problem.

Hang around with people you feel comfortable with, join groups of people with similar interests, get involved in community groups, animal protection groups, anything that you feel an affinity with.

In my life so far i`ve lost my 3 closest pals, luckily i`m fairly outgoing and not shy in conversation but in certain circles i do feel uncomfortable so tend to stick to groups of people that i am comfortable with.

One thing that i`ve learned with trying to quit gambling is to deal with one problem at a time, otherwise my senses, emotions and mental well being become overloaded which lead to me making bad decisions and acting rashly. Manage your problems into compartments and work on them 1 at a time, starting with the problem you are most likely to fix.

Every time you deal with a problem praise yourself, seriously everyone needs praise from time to time, so you tell yourself how proud of stuff you are from time to time.

Hopefully speak on chat soon and that you start to feel a bit happier and more positive in the very near future.

thanks, lids

I understand what you are saying. In all truth, if someone is unkind, I don't think I deserve it. I do usually think it's their problem. It's the emotional reaction inside me, that comes up, that is very strong and painful and overwhelming.

It just doesn't feel good. I feel uncomfortable. Sometimes I feel rage. It's how strong the emotions are. I know they are worse at the moment because I have had to leave two bad jobs in a row. I don't have anyone at home, to go home to. I don't really exist to anyone in a meaningful way.

Lots of stuff is raw, for me, at the moment. I do think there is something wrong with human beings. Do you know who always love me? animals. Because I'm kind and gentle and loving. Genuinely so. I don't trust that many people are genuinely that way.

So, just to underline - I am very grateful there is a benefit system to offer some basic minimum money, for when you are sick or unemployed. I do acknowledge that I am fortunate to live in a country that has something in place.

However! Just had a very confusing telephone appointment with a woman, asking me if I am working, it doesn't look like you've declared that work, oh, wait yes you have, that's OK....and how many hours do you work? it doesn't look like you've declared that correctly, "I just did what the person in my last appointment told me to do", wait oh, yes, you have recorded that correctly, actually, I see it now. Dear me.

I've been crying today. Feeling very low. Went back to work at my one day a week, term-time job, last night and it was chaos. No-one knew what they were doing. I asked a sensible, not stupid question to the manager and the new girl, who is not a manager but is very bossy and has talked to me before, like I'm stupid, answered with a "tone". I don't like her. She's unkind about people and was throwing her weight around within days. She's bossy and talks to people like they are stupid. Anyway, I have what's called "personality traits" which is not a full personality disorder but I feel very strong emotion when people are rude and unkind. I felt really angry last night, when she spoke to me like that. Really, really angry. It sort of burns, feels emotionally painful. As though someone has just slapped my face. I find it hard not to say anything. I don't like talking about other people behind their back but it helps to just tell someone how I feel. Normally I'd keep it to myself, until I finished work but I'm struggling at the moment, so it felt worse. I felt a bit of shame that it bothered me so much and that I'd had to tell someone how I felt. I mean, I didn't HAVE to but it just helped me cope last night. 

I just feel very low in confidence and when people are difficult or mean, it makes it even harder. I got home and a man off a dating app had asked if I wanted to chat, I told him I'd let him know when I was back from work, which I did. He didn't reply for hours and said he was just going to bed. It's fine, he can do what he wants but I was waiting to hear back from him and wished he could have said earlier. I just unmatched with him because I can't be bothered with people who are inconsiderate, right now. Anyway, another match popped up and he turned out to be a nasty troll. Again, I just could have done without it. It happens, not the end of the world but just didn't need it. He asked me what I was looking for and I said I wanted to meet someone decent, who treats people well, doesn't cheat, isn't abusive, doesn't disappear for days on end with no warning, once they are in a relationship. Just the normal stuff that people used to take as a given. He replied with "you sound needy and desperate" I was a bit shocked but thought he must be making a joke, as I'd basically described most people's bare minimum, so I replied with a laughing emoji. He replied again saying "no, I'm serious" then deleted the conversation and blocked me. Just nasty behaviour for no reason. I don't care, today but it's just how I feel about other people these days - you can just get abuse out of the blue and it's one of the reasons I feel wary of talking to new people. So many people just being nasty and lashing out, for no reason.

``In all truth, if someone is unkind, I don't think I deserve it. I do usually think it's their problem.``

Of course its there problem, and you certainly don`t deserve it, don`t ever contemplate anything different.

Make people rise to your standards and if they wont then don`t entertain them, if you clearly explain your boundaries and standards to people(as you most certainly seem to) and they don`t make the effort  to respect that  then give them a very wide berth.

If you were offering advice, i`m sure you would be the first to say don`t lower your standards for idiots.

The lady that`s throwing her weight about has probably got things shes deflecting away from, don`t hate her, in fact pity her she probably feels equally as vulnerable and is clearly deflecting away from her faults.  

When i have to deal with people that are clearly idiots, i talk in an understanding way but am giving them the mental f.O, and usually end up grinning or laughing as i`m walking away from the encounter.

Don`t ever feel shame of your emotions, they are just that and we are all different, the fact that you are feeling any kind of emotion is yours to feel and no one else`s to criticize.

 As regards the troll, you are so right what you describe is the bare minimum in any friendship, let alone potential relationship, sounds like a very near miss and lucky escape he does. The thing is with most these dating sites most people are fake, fortunately most are so obviously fake. That said there will be someone decent and genuine out there, take care and vet them thoroughly.

Hope you are feeling much happier very soon,

just one last thing suppose you had a daughter, mother, little sister or best friend, and they were encountering the problems that you have had to endure, what would your advice be?, id be really interested in the answer.

Speak soon, stay strong

Thanks, lids. Yeah, I know I can't help feeling such strong reactions to people but it gets me down in the sense that I'm lonely but wary of people because I often feel so much pain, when I'm around people. It's just making life hard for me. Especially in workplaces when there is no escape, sometimes.

I did have a really positive conversation with one friend today. He and another mutual friend had told me off on a night out and it had really hurt me and felt very painful. Some people don't like you confronting them about things, so it took me a while to talk to him about it. When I repeated the thing they told me off for, he said he didn't think there was anything wrong with it. He doesn't know why he told me off. He doesn't remember doing it. He apologised for doing it. I felt a bit better, that at least he agreed that I hadn't done anything wrong. I said it had made me afraid to express myself at all, around them, if they were going to criticise me for reasons I didn't understand. 

It messes with my head, you know because I often have the feeling that people are harsher on me, than they are on other people. I don't know if it's all in my head or not. It's a horrible feeling. I'll often be in a group and someone will say something that no-one has a problem with. I'll think to myself "if I'd said that, they would have told me off". It's hard to know if it's paranoia, or if I'm seeing things accurately. That's what does my head in. Sometimes I feel like I'm going mad.

I have some friends I don't feel like this, around. I think I've become less compatible with these two friends, since I met them. It takes me a while to feel comfortable around people, so I have a tendency to cling to existing friends, rather than get close to a wider number of people. 

I miss my ex husband because he was such a good friend and never made me feel bad. Obviously it's not practical to see much of him anymore. His partner doesn't like it. I do understand.

Gratitude List Time!

1) I've been triggered a lot lately, all of my painful triggers have become very inflamed. This has been uncomfortable but has given me a chance to focus on healing more. I've come a long way but there is still work to do. I've made the most of it, as an opportunity.

2) I've revisited a conversation on messenger, just now, to apologise to someone. I felt I'd lashed out angrily and nastily toward her because she'd ignored me. I used to feel SO MUCH pain and shame, whenever anyone blanked me like this. I would get so dysregulated. It was a long time ago but I was still carrying the shame around about how I'd behaved. It was so much less bad than I remembered! In fact, I made the decision to not go ahead with the apology because it was so mild, when I revisited it. It probably would have caused more harm to bring it up again.

3) I cleared the air, today, with an ex and it feels so much better. It went really well!

4) My mate brought a bowl of homemade soup around for me, this morning. It felt lovely!

5) I'm starting EMDR, soon. I'm excited to try something to help me deal with my trauma.

6) I'm getting stronger again, from getting back into gym training. I can wiggle my pecs again, haha!

7) I can tell how much I've healed and how far I've come, in the past few years. I'm dealing with this bad patch so much better than ever.

8) I'm really excited about what is possible, when I reflect on how far I've already come.

9) I'm on day 129. Smashing it, man!

10) I've got physical health - what a gift!

So much gratitude!

1) Enjoyed my GA meeting tonight. Good to see people and share together

2) I had the best time catching up with a friend, yesterday. Felt connected, understood, had belly laughs. Was lovely.

3) I enjoyed my social singing group, this morning. My first time and it was fun, enjoyable, shared some laughs.

4) I found a receipt I thought I'd lost. Saved me from wasting £13.

5) Great gym session, tonight. I'm getting fitter.

6) I gave my metro/tube ticket to someone last night, when I was done with it. They were grateful, I was kind, it felt good.

7) I got talking to someone, at a bus stop this morning and he gave me a great tip off about some free vouchers I can apply for, from a local community place.

8) I walked 22,500 steps yesterday! gosh!

9) I sleep well. I'm so grateful for this. I know how it feels, not to.

10) Had a nice nap with the cats, this afternoon.