Going to keep this thread now!

Feeling a lot better, after my session today. We just did normal talking therapy and some sort of tapping exercise. 

I'm even going to go to work and just keep to myself.

One day at a time, is all we have, eh? 

I'm able to eat again and do self-care. I think having a stomach bug, last week, as well as a bad time hormonally, just made it more over whelming.

No gambling to report. Just haven't felt like posting.

I'm doing OK. Up and down, such is life, haha.

Good to see you in chat tonight.

I detect a much more laid back Freda of late, dare i say happier?

And its so good to see!!

Ah, thanks, lids.

Yeah, I dunno. I think I'm becoming less reactive. Maybe a bit more secure.

The best way I'd sum it up, is I used to be quite afraid of very critical, negative people, as they could make me feel bad about myself and doubt myself. Now, I feel like I just see it as silly. Silliness that has nothing to do with me. I don't need to worry about. 

A good friend is still a bit hostile in energy and I don't really care, anymore. It used to make me doubt myself but now I just see it as a tendency to be a bit harsh. It's not ideal, we need to be around positive people too. I've got a more calm awareness of the need for balance and to just keep an eye on these influences.

I'm very open about most of my experiences and feelings but she is very closed and private. I think I have just figured it out. Like, to be so harsh and snarky and critical of other people, you have to be quite secretive. It's sort of a tense way to live because you don't meet your own standards. She seems quite paranoid. Concerned with what other people think. There's a therapy that talks about this, it's called reciprocal roles. It's like a circular thing. Quite hard to describe. If you are quite harsh with other people, you kind of presume everyone else is going to be just as harsh. 

So, I used to let it get to me and feel shamed by the negativity. I feel more detached and just like I can't relate. Her and this other pal, she's started knocking about with, are quite woke. Like, have an opinion on everything, in a very purist way. High standards, I suppose. I just don't relate to that anymore. I don't think it's a practical way to live. 

I have reconnected with an ex, recently and there is stuff about him I am not keen on and don't think he's right for me. They have quite strong views on him, label him quickly, as this or that. I dunno....I think he's just damaged but who isn't? There's a lot that's bad about him but there's a lot that's good about him, as well. I just don't talk about him anymore, as I don't value their opinions on him. They presume themselves much better than him but I don't. It's not constructive to tell them that, though.

She has split up with her long term partner and I'm not keen on him. He has a similar superior "better than" air, that isn't really true or deserved. I can see him quite accurately, as sort of an average person. It's the moralistic superiority that I am not keen on being around. He has been a bit erratic lately. He's just lost his long-term partner. It's normal. We were talking about things he has said and done, recently but I was more of the attitude "well, it's not nice to be on the receiving end of. I can imagine it's not comfortable - but really, it's pretty normal. People aren't their best selves when they're in pain, are they? I can imagine myself doing something similar." 

Now, I'm at risk of playing the "better than" game myself, here but I just think it's a more comfortable way to look at things. More humble. Talking about things that are out of order but then sort of humbly accepting that I've been out of order when I've been in pain, as well. It's just a common thing. I'm not better than him. 

She told me he'd wanted to thank me, for the kind intention behind giving a mutual friend a heads up, that he was going through a hard time. Encouraging someone to reach out to him. It was quite funny because I found myself not particularly caring, either way. I thought it was a good thing he'd acknowledged the kindness but I didn't really care what he thought of me, anyway. I'd said to her I wasn't against him doing that but that I just generally feel uncomfortable around him and can't look him in the eye, so I wouldn't be able to receive it properly, anyway. I don't want to lash out at him or blank him but I would find it hard to communicate with him. I'm a bit like that. If someone gets to a point where they fall below a certain basic respect level, I just can't engage with them. It's not stubbornness, it's just aversion.

I feel quite angry and down, today. 

I haven't heard back about the cleaning job I didn't even really want and my line manager hasn't replied to me about swapping my work day, so I can do some artist's model work. 

The GP won't renew my fit note without speaking to them, even though it's virtually impossible to get an appointment. I'm sick of everything being a right ache in the testicles.

It has been one of those weeks. Intense. Where good things have happened but I haven't been able to appreciate them, due to feeling fraught and overwhelmed.

I got my mind into a really paranoid, shame-feeling place, earlier in the week. Loads of things had triggered my frustrations and insecurities. I got convinced that people hated me and I was a nuisance. I thought I had even been rejected for a part-time, temporary cleaning job. No disrespect to cleaners out there, I have a lot of respect for them. They are the backbone of the country and without them, our lives would be much more unpleasant. However - it doesn't feel good to not get a job that tends to be quite an easy one to get. That was what made me feel despondent. Cleaners are always in demand, as they do the dirty work a lot of people won't.

My diary is about truth, so I talk about things I'm embarrassed about. I messaged my manager, to ask if I would be able to swap my working day, just occasionally, so I could take up another opportunity, that had arisen. It was something I felt good about. A light in the dark. We have already had conversations about how it doesn't matter too much, which day I work, so I thought it was a small ask, rather than a big demand, that wasn't reasonable.

Flipping instant messaging mediums, tell us when someone has read our message, though, don't they? Sometimes we're better off not knowing. So, I knew she'd seen it. I saw her at work, later that day, she didn't mention anything but I didn't chase it, figuring she's busy, she'll get back to me, when she can. By the end of the next day, she still hadn't replied. I was feeling a bit paranoid. I send a polite nudge, message, saying sorry to pester you, do you have to think about it for a while? Just needed some response or acknowledgement, you know? Nothing. So that's when my thoughts started to spiral. My confidence is in bits in general, at the moment. I messaged her the next day, saying I need to go off sick and feel worthless. Of course, now, she replies straight away. So, although I know I haven't done anything "wrong" as such, I wish I hadn't got to the point where I felt despairing and paranoid. 

Anyway, although it was poor management skills on her part - she's very busy at the moment, covering for someone else, who is off sick - I still think a quick acknowledgement, just saying "I think that should be fine but I'll get back to you soon, I'm a bit swamped at the moment" would have been better. When you're not acknowledged, it can make a person worry all sorts of things.

Anyway, I've been an emotional wreck, this week. Feeling a lot of shame and paranoia. However, I did get offered the cleaning job eventually. I don't know if anyone reading can understand but when you get offered a new job while you're in a terrified, anxious headspace, it feels like a bad thing. It's a shame. I know I will gradually bring myself back to equilibrium and be happy about the good news. It's just a lot, during a bad mental health week.

There have been other stressors, like standing on my laptop and breaking the screen but needing another one more or less immediately because of my job applications and I'm having therapy over zoom, every week. My foster cat has someone interested, so we're doing introductions to his existing cat, later today. Again, not feeling in the best place for this, RIGHT NOW but can appreciate it's also good news. 

All of these thing are just life, but too many within the space of a few days. 

All of that considered, I have not gambled. Cheers to that!

Cat introductions went really well! He's going out on trial, tomorrow!

I'll miss the little scamp but he's off to a great home.

Feeling so grateful to have been of use, in a way that society doesn't reward, officially. 

I find it hard to hold down paid employment. It's constantly triggering. I spent a few years cuddling cats, though, at a local rescue. When it was all I could cope with. It made a difference, though. It was useful.

I'm looking at pics of happy cats, I recognise, on their social media page and getting a happy, warm, glow inside. I helped a lot of those cats, when they were scared and confused. I have made a difference on this earth. I must never forget that.

Today, I'm so very grateful for

1) The Samaritans. A beautiful thing, that someone wants to make sure there's always someone there.

2) My happy cat. She is so happy the foster cat has gone. It's lovely to witness. She is chatty and chirpy.

3) A good home for my foster cat. He will be adored, in his new home.

4) My exercise bike. It has helped me tonight, to do 15 minutes and get a bit sweaty.

5) My warm and safe home. 

6) My sense of humour and love of the absurd.

7) My friends. Someone sent me some cutes today, cos they knew I'd like them. 

8) My nice lunch. I had a bakewell slice, for pudding.

9) Kind people being supportive.

10) My singing group. I hope I'm well enough to go, in the morning.

Lots of things to be greatful for. Your doing well freda and have the support of everyone here. Keep going strong ? 

Love stace x

Been a tough few days, spending a lot of time around friend who doesn't seem very respectful of me. It's not about me, she needed help moving house. However, there's just always this negativity. Invalidating comments. Questioning my choices, as though they are not valid. That would be totally fine regarding gambling sprees, unhealthy behaviours and choices etc. but she asked me how much my private therapy cost. It made me feel very uncomfortable. It's a healthy, rational choice. She had made negative comments already, about the therapist wanting to make money out of me. I had pointed out, that this was an evidence-based therapy, that was available on the nhs and that he was registered with all of the relevant agencies that indicate high professional standards. Personally, I think this would have been enough, for a healthy person. You've explained that you have sourced a professional, for a therapy which has passed NHS clinical standards. Really, that's enough to reassure most people you are not being taken advantage of, or ripped off.

I wish I had thought to ask her if she was thinking of trying it herself. When she said no, it gives the opportunity to ask why she was asking, then?

I mean, I've kept my mouth shut, regarding her worrying choices. It's not a matter of opinion, she's going headlong into an intense relationship, with someone with a history of unstable relationships, immediately after breaking up with her partner of 10 years. She has already expressed feelings of fear, about feeling responsible for his feelings, if it doesn't work out and that a new relationship is not her priority right now. They have seen each other every single day, since she split up with her partner. So, she appears to have been dragged into intensity by this extremely needy man, despite her healthy and rational reservations. I can mind my own business, if she doesn't want to talk about it but to poke her nose in, on my healthy, self-responsible behaviour, is a bit rich!!!

I need to distance, I think, as it's becoming very toxic. Gratitude list will follow, just purging out the bad, first.

I'm extremely grateful for:

1) The local IAPT services finally agreeing to let me go on the waiting list for trauma related therapy. 

2) My own excellent skill of knowing what I need, despite people telling me otherwise. The last person I had spoken to, via IAPT, said I didn't qualify for this therapy and was just not using my own, existing tools and discharged me. I went ahead and trusted myself, instead and started paying for it privately and now, another clinician has validated that it IS an appropriate therapy to ask for. I always knew.

3) The fun I had at singing, on Wednesday. I managed to go, despite having a high anxiety level.

4) My foster cat is doing well in his new home. It's lovely to see. 

5) All of the exercise I got over the past few days. Helping my friend pack and move into her new house. 

6) An understanding friend, who didn't mind that I wasn't up to our plans, last night.

7) Opportunities. A new job starting soon. Hopefully, a low likelihood of emotional triggers.

8) I'm not sure if I've already listed this but my thyroid results are healthy and have been since March, so I've been discharged and I'm off medication for it, for now.

9) Navigating 4 years successfully, having my own mortgage, despite a lot of trauma and adversity.

10) My savings. They have dwindled a lot, this year. Not much left but I have something. A pot to piddle in, as it were.

Time for more gratitude:

1) I have learned I'm being eased in to the early mornings, in my new job, by a week of training starting at 9.30am. 

2) I feel less nervous about trying this new job. I've never worked as a cleaner before but my employer seems to have a good plan to train us in exactly what to do. 

3) I pushed myself to go back out, last night, when a friend texted to say they were going to a quiz. I'm glad I did. It was good for me.

4) I've been watching constructive interviews the past few days, on youtube. Rather than rubbish, I've been watching interviews with successful, inspirational people.

5) I've enjoyed playing chess online, this week.

6) I can feel my muscles starting to come back. It is good to be physically strong.

7) I've started hitting my 10k steps a day, again - most days.

8) I'm getting more housework done. Gradually, I'm getting on top of things again.

9) I'm looking forward to my first portrait sitting on Monday. Cash in hand 😉 mind your business 😉

10) I felt a little anxious and fearful yesterday but I went out anyway and got some groceries. I sat with the discomfort and allowed it. I was brave.

Hi Freda,

Good on you for showing gratitude and good on you for continuing persevering.

Life is / can be very hard and in truth quite a beech a lot of the times, but on the flip side it can be quite wonderful. And if I may humbly say, I think your heading for the latter purely because you keep persevering.

I think sometimes we forget that we are allowed bad days and get things wrong, but important not to dwell on anything we see as a failing, but treat it as a lesson.

I did a cleaning job once, many many moons ago. It was bad of me but I use pinch the sweets of people's office tables and as I was working by myself in cleaning the office in the evening, I truthfully didn't do a very good job. After a week or so, I was to be met by my pay master, he didn't like the look in how I pushed the hoover with my left hand and also my lack of enthusiasm and i was promptly sacked. As I have no right hand, I never accepted his view in how I pushed the hoover, however I did accept I was doing a cra-ppy job and happily accepted the sack. That was the end of that correar.

Hai ho - All the best 

Thanks, faking it! I think there are always things to be grateful for, no matter what we are facing.

More gratitude:

1) I'm grateful for the company I had, last night. We went for a curry and then to the bargain shops, as we both find this exciting.

2) I am so grateful that I sleep well. I've not had great success at getting to sleep early, or getting up early, so far - but at least this is for a wonderful reason. I sleep well.

3) I'm grateful for a Facebook group I'm a member of. It's there to talk about meaningful things, in a society where those opportunities can be scarce.

4) I'm grateful for the timing of my new job. I only have 3 weeks to do, initially, then I'm off for two weeks. I'm so grateful for the chance to be gradually adjusted and eased in. Change is easier when it is gentle.

5) I'm grateful for the opportunity to dance with like-minded people, tomorrow. It is nourishing to my soul.

6) I'm grateful for the increased acceptance I feel towards my body. I'm the heaviest I have ever been but I accept that I am doing my best and don't feel too much shame about it.

7) I'm grateful for the minimal dwindling of my savings, while I was not working. I don't have much but it's enough for most emergencies. Thank you for this! How lucky I feel.

8) I'm grateful for this place to come and put down my thoughts. To get them out of my head. Things often seem more straightforward, once they are on paper.

9) I am grateful for my GA meeting, this week. I had a chance to get stuff off my chest, in a non-judgemental space.

10) I'm so grateful that almost 4 years later, the free washing machine, that I inherited when I bought my house, is still going. I'm also happy for the planet, as it's one less thing in landfill.