Going to keep this thread now!

Hi diary.

It's the middle of the night and insomnia and anxiety have hit me once again.

I'm off sick. I was just about coping with my job but I freaked out in my relationship, I don't have my best friend to talk to anymore and then my mam ended up in A and E and it has all come crashing down. I have hit that point where I have had to drop everything.

It's an awful state to be in. I was alone and asked my ex boyfriend if I could stay with him tonight, on his sofa. 

That's how desperate I felt. 

I'm in a state where I'm scared like a little child and just want to be looked after. Just want someone to make me feel safe. I feel so much fear that it sets me off again having to give anything to anyone else. I suppose where unconditional love and support would be wonderful. How can I expect that from others when I can't do that for anyone? I mean I can't offer that ever. I struggle so much that I can't risk someone turning up when I can't cope, if you see what I mean.

It makes me feel parasitic. Needing but not being able to give. It's very rare I'm this bad but it means I struggle to maintain relationships. I'm scared of being overwhelmed. 

It's trauma isn't it? Having a mother who gave love but then got nasty if I couldn't meet her needs. I'm not being a victim. I'm just aware of the root of it. Her being ill has likely brought up all of those feelings because I was struggling to cope at the time. 

I've tried so hard to heal it. I have been paying privately for EMDR and was desperate for it to work. It seemed to be helping but this meltdown has damaged my confidence. I don't know if I'll be able to go back to work. I loved being off benefits. I honestly would be working if I could cope without it making me ill. 

I used to try and push through it and still go to work but it gave me disturbing thoughts, anger that felt scary and it now makes my blood pressure sky high. It was 165/100, at the doctors today.

I'm a good person and will work if I can, so I do wish the system would just believe me and let me volunteer and stop scaring me by stopping benefits. Let me contribute in a way I can stay well. Like being a volunteer.

Anyway, these are my thoughts and this is my truth. If you want to be critical, I only ask that you try to do it diplomatically as I'm in a lot of pain. Please don't tell me to just get on with it or something, I'd find it really hard to not lose my temper. Just honesty.

I feel a bit paranoid that it looks like my posts are being moderated and I wonder why or what I have done wrong but I am trying not to think about it right now.

I was safe with him and I was grateful for that. 

I've put some stuff in place. I have emergency meds that I can only take in a crisis. They are addictive and make anxiety worse. I had to take some the other day because I couldn't soothe myself. They give me a rest from the fear, help me to think straight. I've had two days off them, therefore I'm out of the woods.

I think we all have this fear, to one extent or another. It's having to be afraid and be alone. I've actually just thought of the solution, for what I'm struggling with but I'll continue to write it out because it helps. It's a process. I can refer back to this, in moments of overwhelm. I think I'll make a panic box again. I used to have one to use when I was afraid and couldn't think straight and it just basically tells me what to do, when I can't figure it out myself. It has phrases in it that I know will help. Stuff like that.

I'm afraid of engulfment. Of someone needing me more than I can cope with and of me relying on that person. I think everyone needs a "person" someone they can call in an emergency, so they aren't alone. Someone who can help them to feel safe. Usually, for most people, they have this in a parent, for most of their lives. Usually, this parent will never make them feel they have to repay this love. This makes them feel safe to get close to people and therefore be generally very stable in life. They learn that it's safe to have a handful of people, who they can say "if you are ever alone in an emergency, call me". They will have a handful of people who offer the same to them and voila! they feel safe. They are confident they never have to be alone and afraid.

I think if you've always had that, you don't have this fear of NOT having it. It goes a bit like this, for me: I struggle to cope with my own life and fears and struggles, so I'm scared to get close to anyone who again, needs more than most people. I'm afraid of being needed more than occasionally. That's all I feel I can cope with. For argument's sake, you could say I could afford to do that for one person, once a year. Something like that. I can offer general listening ear stuff more but this type of "crisis" situation, only once a year. This wouldn't drag me down or be unsustainable. For this reason, I very rarely say the "if you ever need me" thing to anyone. When people offer this to me, I feel guilty accepting it because I couldn't do the same for them.

When you have had a parent, who overwhelmed you with their needs, or withdrew love, affection and approval if you couldn't meet their needs, it messes you up. Worse, if they make you feel guilty for not being able to meet their needs, make you feel shame, it's debilitating.

I'm terrified of unknowingly getting close to another person like that. I think that's why I got scared getting close to this new man. He got very close to me, very quickly and started saying things like he would die for me. I didn't have a chance to figure out my own feelings before he started doing this. For this reason, I couldn't bask in it and just enjoy it. It made me feel scared that I was getting close to a very unstable person.

When I asked him if I could take a break and he started asking me if I was going to break up with him, during that break, I couldn't cope with it, so I did break up with him and got quite angry that he put me under that pressure, at a time when I told him I was very anxious and couldn't cope. He got angry back. It made everything worse.

So, the other night, I felt so overwhelmed, that I asked my ex who has been unhealthy with me in the past, if I could sleep on his sofa for the night. Just to feel safe until I felt better. That is really not ideal. It wasn't fair on him and it wasn't the safest position to put myself in, when I'm vulnerable (although I think I am actually fairly safe around him on a basic level. I'm as sure as you can be, that he wouldn't attack me).

Well, I somehow managed to go to work all last week. It was tough but I made it.

I'm not sure if I want to be kept on or not. My contract ends in 3 weeks. I'm not great at cleaning up P**P. I can handle it if it's not too bad but not keen. It's not an easy thing to do, dealing with the faeces of strangers.

I'm glad I got out of the relationship. This man is not nice. I've done my best to be kind to him but he's just angry he got rejected. He didn't love me.

The thing that made my mind up, I don't think I've mentioned it yet....was he grassed himself up but in quite a disturbing way. He was relating a story, in an eye-rolling, I got "told off" way. He sad that when his ex partner was giving birth, he was chatting up the midwife. While he was distracting her, she saw over his shoulder that something had progressed in the labour and said "oh! the head is there!"

Who does that?! Who is giving attention to another woman, one who is supposed to be there for his partner's needs, at the "business end" of labour?! I said we're you really chatting her up, or is that what your partner accused you of because she was out of it? "Oh, I was. I wouldn't have done anything about it, though. I was just trying to get her to make me a cup of coffee". I think it told me all I needed to know about his character. I'd rather not try to build a life with someone who might chat up a paramedic, someday, while I'm in pain or distress.

What on earth is wrong with people?!

So I'm just having an offload on my diary, as it generally helps.

I had another meltdown yesterday. I had two panic attacks and resorted to taking something that wasn't prescribed to me. 

I've been doing this cleaning job for two and a half months, now. It's challenging, busy, a lot to do in the time I have got. I usually cope OK but I get really anxious and paranoid when I hear rumours about management doling out petty punishments and spying on us. It's an environment that is very bad for me, mentally and emotionally. I went to a manager to clear something up, that I'd heard but didn't name anyone or betray anyone's confidence. She told me it wasn't true and it put my mind at rest, briefly but then the person I told about it, insisted it was true but they won't admit it. I really struggle with environments where I don't know what to believe. 

Yesterday, the big manager held a meeting and said that she wanted to debunk some rumours that she was hearing about and I got really anxious because I thought she was going to list the things I'd asked for reassurance about. The people who told me, would know it was me and I would be mistrusted and disliked by everyone. I had a panic attack at work and was in tears twice. It's just a fearful paranoid environment. It gets to me. In the end, it wasn't the things I'd been told but it had already triggered the anxiety.

Then, I had to take the cat to the vet in a taxi, there and back. She hates going in the box and I get anxious about getting her in it, on time. Then she was crying the whole way and I got panicky again. It was hard to book a taxi to come back. I had a bad panic attack on the way back and just felt overwhelmed. 

I'd emailed my manager, saying I didn't want to apply for the permanent post anymore. I honestly don't know what is best for me because I'm anxious about being in the benefit system again, so either option is worrying. I don't earn enough to have a much better life, in this cleaning job. I seem to need more things to help me cope. More alcohol, more massages, things to soothe the stress. I have to pay more council tax, too, so I'm not feeling much of a benefit. 

I'm shaky today and have had to stay home, as anxiety is still a bit raw. My blood pressure has been quite high lately too, so that is on my mind when I get anxious.

It helps to write these thoughts down.

I am feeling so much fear. It's something that no therapy has been able to address. I don't know if I just need to sit and feel it. Just let it pass through my body. Nothing is happening right now and I'm just sitting in bed, shaking. The urge is to distract myself. I suppose I'm partly doing that, now. I am letting myself feel it, though, as best I can.

I don't know what the answer is.  I'm not going into stories in my mind about what I'm afraid of, it's just fear. 

Well, I've continued to hang in there. My temporary job contract is over on Friday. I'm leaving because it's hard to get all of the work done and I get really stressed trying to. I feel like I'm flying by the seat of my pants and just about getting away with it. I thought it would be different working for a university, as they are quite soft in the other department I work in but it's tough in the facilities one. 

I'm worried about money, what I'm going to do for work next, coping with bills etc. but I've stopped socialising. I'm getting isolated again and anxious and fearful. I've started spending time with my ex again, as i don't have anyone else. It's not ideal but he is being really kind to me. Right now, I'll take it. 

I did the life modelling! I was really nervous and felt a bit uncomfortable but it was awesome to face a fear. I'm not going to book anymore sessions, as it took it out of me. Maybe I'll get back to feeling able to, one day.

Well, things turned out OK in the end. Things are safe for now.

I'd much prefer to feel confident there are plenty of jobs out there that I can thrive in but maybe one day I will. We seem to be going through a period of time where staff are kind of used like cannon fodder. Not really treated like people, just worker ants that you can get rid of if you like. It's a shame but is what it is.

Anyway, I don't need to focus on the problem for now. I'm always careful who I tell, if I end up back on benefits, as their first question is usually "what are you going to do?" it's almost comical. Like, who would really benefit from being encouraged to think about the future? I know! Someone who has just had a breakdown/got chronic anxiety/depression. It's something I probably do as well, if I'm not being mindful. Thing is, if you constantly ask someone if they have a solution to their distress, while they're distressed, they are highly unlikely to be able to come up with anything. It sounds wrong but I'd encourage someone to refuse to think about the future for at least a few days. Just focus on feeling better. That is what helps people get into a better headspace. You can't problem solve very well when you're in a bad place.

I'm grateful for this time I have to rest. I will figure things out after a rest.

I have cried a lot today but I have also got my b**t to the gym. I'm proud of myself.

This forum has often been a source of pain for me. Mostly due to being misunderstood. I believe in taking responsibility for tendencies that are likely to cause upset to other people, whilst still knowing that I'm not responsible for other people's feelings.

It's a tightrope I've always struggled to walk. I'm very open and honest about my thoughts and genuinely rarely have any harm or passive aggression in mind when I communicate. Sometimes I do and I'm comfortable admitting that but it's not common for me. I believe in owning up to it, if I take a look back at things I've said and can see passive aggression in it, or tactlessness. I suppose a lot of people refer to this, as taking a dig at someone. I am still capable of having a dig at someone, deliberately when my feelings have been hurt.

It's complicated and nuanced, communicating. We aren't always aware how something might be taken by another person. I've often wondered if I have a problem with tactlessness, that I need to work on. I'd like to work on things that I'm bad at. Worse than most people. However, I'm also aware of the danger of people making you doubt yourself unnecessarily. When it's them that has the issue and it's not a "me" problem. It can affect my social confidence, which I already struggle with. 

There are people I really struggle to be around because I find them very rude and unpleasant. At the same time, I would hate to be one of those people that most people feel like they are walking on eggshells, around. I've gotten better at not reacting to people I find difficult or unpleasant and I'm glad about that because it never helps. I'm also better at having compassion for myself on the rare occasions I do "bite" because very few people never ever bite, around rude or difficult people. Even using the term "difficult people" isn't ideal because really they are sensitive people or people who are very traumatised. Something I have heard repeatedly and often though, is that I make too many allowances for people or put up with too much from people. It's a very common thing for people to say to me. Because of this, I know that most people must find my reactions reasonable and proportionate most of the time.

Something my estranged friend said to me, stuck with me a bit and made me doubt myself. She said I have an anger problem. However, most people have an anger problem around certain people. You know the term "reactive abuse". Like, even the most gentle and patient of people can lose their temper, if someone is mean enough, or wears them down enough. I think a more accurate assessment of me, is I don't trust myself enough. I have a tendency to think it's probably just me. That I am being more sensitive than is reasonable. 

So, the upshot of this long ramble, but a ramble that has been helpful for me to process and figure out what to think, is that the best thing I can do, is trust myself better. When I trust my own judgement, I move away from people who make me struggle to control my defensiveness. If I ended up completely alone, I'd know that I had a defensiveness problem. It would be evident from that. When I move away from people who I feel defensive around, I weirdly become less defensive and more socially confident. This tells me that there are plenty of people who still want to be around me. Who enjoy my company without finding the need to criticise me and accuse me of bad behaviour, a lot. I'm more likeable and positive around everyone, when I distance myself from people I struggle with. So I need to trust myself to do this when it feels necessary. 

Ohhhh, this always helps. Working out my feelings, by writing them down. I feel less of a responsibility to worry about offending other people, on my own diary, as well because I know that if people find me tactless or my attitudes upsetting, they can just stop reading it. That is their responsibility. To move away from me, as long as I'm not breaking forum guidelines or etiquette.

In fact, I'm going to reread those guidelines to refresh my memory because it feels healthy. To not worry excessively about upsetting other people but to take a healthy AMOUNT of responsibility by taking reasonable measures to respect reasonable boundaries.

Freda, don`t doubt yourself or worry.

I find your posts quite thought provoking and occasionally light hearted and get a smile or a giggle from me.

You and your posts are fantastic, you are a delight to read.

Please don`t change too much.

Thanks for your kindness, lids ? 

I've had a post removed as I was describing distressing thoughts I'd been having. It's a form of OCD, where you have urges to do or say things you would never want to do or say.

Some of the thoughts have made it hard for me to travel in a car, lately. I feel like I have a bit more control over the verbal urges, so I am not isolating myself completely but if I did blurt out the things my urges want me to, it would upset people and be considered verbally abusive.

I can't edit the post that's in moderation and this post is rubbish and doesn't really express how I feel but I think I've managed to leave out the bits that they want to censor ? 

Anyway, I told some people from my GA group and they didn't judge me and they described some disturbing urges as well but I don't think I can mention them on here. 

You'd be surprised how common this is.

Had a massive session in an arcade, on Sunday. I didn't care. I was just letting it all go. I seem to not be able to fully let go of gambling. It no longer wrecks my life to the extent I can't cover the bills, it just once a year or so, rears it's head for a binge.

I don't mean to talk about this as though it's inevitable. I'm just describing the pattern I see. 

It's usually when I become aware of how much fear I have. It sucks.

I didn't go back to chase - during the moment, I try to chase. Once I leave, I let that money go. I've learned over the years if you don't, a lapse becomes a full-blown relapse.

Anyway, this is what it is. I'm an addict. Always will be. Have to get straight back on the horse, or it gets the better of me.

I have stayed sober since my lapse. 

I am feeling less acute fear but the uneasy feeling is still there, always, in the background. I have always struggled with this. Fear following me around, everywhere.

I still haven't found the answer. 

I have been spending time with an ex which isn't ideal but he knows I no longer feel that way about him and I at least feel relaxed and I can be myself, around him. We go to the forest, moors. Nature.

I still go to GA and try to see other friends, regularly. I have become as comfortable as I can be. I was prepared to move forward with massage practice, as I think this is a line of work I can do, without going crazy. I cancelled the practice session with the friend because I got a pip review form and it felt too much, just weeks after the work capability assessment. Life is a lot harder and scarier without this help. I'd love to get into a job in a stable way, where I thought I could maintain it long-term, without getting sick. Most jobs I've come close to coping with, have had time pressures which were depleting me. I feel as though the jobs I couldn't cope with, /if I had just 5% less to do, I could cope. It feels like a lot of employers expect more per hour, out of workers than they did a few years ago. It's hard for people sensitive to stress. We want to work, we just want safety from unmanageable workloads.

I will pick myself back up and move forward with the massage practice soon. It's a hard fear for me to push through, for some reason. I don't like being poor at things. I know that experience is needed in all things and this is where I get stuck. I have struggled to get started, put the practice in place. 

I have had a bad night. Anxiety is bad and it's making it hard to stop ruminating on things.

I absolutely think there is a place for tough love and encouraging people to take responsibility for themselves but good grief, people seem to just say whatever they want to me!

I went dancing tonight and was feeling particularly fragile. A woman I hadn't seen in a while, asked me if things had worked out with my job. I was starting a new job after leaving a toxic workplace, last time I saw her.

I told her it hadn't worked out, as the boss was a psycho and was on the sick with anxiety. She said "blame yourself". It didn't feel very nice. I mean, sometimes we need to look at the part we play in our problems, sure - but it's an awfully blunt thing to say to someone. It felt very upsetting.

I find people are often quite blunt and brutal with their words and it makes me really socially anxious. I just wanted to burst into tears. 

I think that is a harsh thing to say to someone.