Going to keep this thread now!

Need a gratitude list:

1) I'm so very grateful for the kindness of the masseur today, who made my massage aromatherapy for no extra cost, because I'd told her I was struggling with anxiety.

2) I'm grateful for the free doughnut from one of my shopping apps on my phone. 

3) I'm grateful for medicine to help slow my pounding heart, while I am feeling stressed. 

4) I'm grateful for the lovely, kind woman I spoke to, from the Samaritans yesterday. 

5) I'm grateful my washing machine is still going, so I could wash some clothes and bedding today.

6) I'm grateful for my birthday cards and gifts and greetings on social media. People have been so kind.

7) I'm so grateful for my lawn. I've been able to get outside and connect my bare feet to the Earth. This is helping me manage my symptoms.

8) I'm grateful for my GA peers, who I reached out to, for support, yesterday. 

9) I'm grateful the woman who runs my local cafe remembers my name. It feels nice.

10) I'm grateful I have an appointment to help me fill out my PIP review form, as it feels overwhelming to do it by myself.

I'm so very grateful for:

1) I'm grateful for the help I got to fill out my PIP form, on Tuesday.

2) I'm grateful for my GA meeting last night.

3) I'm grateful for my physical mobility. I ran 5k last night and felt so calm from the endorphins I got. 

4) I'm grateful that I sleep well.

5) I'm grateful I have food in my fridge and in the cupboards.

6) I'm grateful the fear has mostly left me.

7) I'm grateful a GA pal rang to see if I needed a lift, last night.

8) I'm grateful for my garden.

9) I'm grateful I have somewhere to stand barefoot on the earth. It's so important to health.

10) I'm grateful for the person I play Lexulous with. I haven't seen him in years but he always asks how I am and seems to genuinely care.

I feel like so many people are poor at communicating, these days. I know it's a sign of the times but boy can it make some things loads harder.

I am really struggling to face my low self-confidence and overcome it. I have some self-employment skills and I understand that I need practice to get really good but I've always struggled with doing things badly and not feeling shame. I have a feeling that massage is something I can be fairly good at, without it making me stressed, anxious and overwhelmed. However, I only did a fast-track one-day course so I need practice but don't want to give poor treatments to clients and not get return custom because of it, or for them to tell people I'm not very good. (I know I'm thinking way too much about this)

Anyway, I am who I am but it helps me to field the inevitable criticism that comes with doing anything, if I know I'm at least alright at what I do. It helps me let it go, without damaging my confidence.

I reached out to a mate, over a week ago - asking if she would be open to me using her business space, to offer a few donation-based massages. I made it really clear it was cool if she didn't think it would work but that I was just asking around for a space I could practice in, without having to pay rent. That I would be up for paying towards electricity and heating of the space, though.

I got nothing. No acknowledgement, no response, nothing. I really struggled with this, emotionally. It felt very cold to get nothing back at all. I could see that she had read my message the same day. The thing is, often, people have just genuinely forgotten to respond. I totally get this. It feels vulnerable to chase it up, though because I don't want to make the person feel uncomfortable, if they didn't want to help but didn't know what to say. 

Anyway, I messaged again today. Really gently and humbly. In the past, I might have been a bit resentful in tone. A bit huffed. This is progress, that although I thought it was shabby behaviour, I didn't agress.

I just said I was going to presume it was a "no" which was totally cool and I didn't need an explanation or anything but that I was also aware that sometimes people just forget to respond, so I was giving this nudge, in case it was a memory thing.

Anyway, it appears that she thought she had replied but said she was really sorry, as she could appreciate how it must have felt to get no response at all.

Lessons there, about working through your own stuff and not taking it out on others. Had it been a deliberate lack of response, I probably would have adjusted my attitude toward her, as not kind enough for me to be around much. It wasn't her fault or responsibility at all, what I went through emotionally but I had to work through self-doubt, a bit of shame, was it not "normal" or OK to even ask?! 

God, it's hard for me to be vulnerable or express needs, sometimes. Progress not perfection, though, eh?

I'm really struggling with that black cloud at the moment, so I need these gratitude lists:

1) I'm so grateful my ex made my food for me yesterday. I was really low and struggling to function.

2) I'm so grateful that I've felt up to getting a shower this morning.

3) I'm so grateful that I managed to talk to the psychological service today and it sounds promising. I'm on a long waiting list and am no longer feeling strong enough to do the intense trauma-based therapy I'd originally opted for. It sounds promising that I might be able to switch choices without going back to the end of the waiting list.

4) I'm grateful, as ever, for my wonderful, loving cat companion. It's nice to have her with me.

5) I'm so grateful an acquaintance reached out to check I was OK. It was really kind of him. It made me feel safer and less alone.

6) I'm grateful to hear my mum is going to a befriending group. I struggle with contact with her, so I'm glad she's accessing other connections.

7) I'm grateful my friend has had to cancel on me tomorrow morning, as I'm actually having a very fragile time.

8) I'm grateful another misunderstanding with someone has been peacefully resolved.

9) I'm so grateful to notice that I'm getting better at not reacting when I feel offended or hurt. It stops me from alienating people.

10) I'm so very grateful that I slept well. Everything is easier when I have slept well.

1) I'm grateful to be feeling MUCH better

2) I'm grateful my friend helped me to return some things today. It had been on my mind.

3) I'm grateful I've lost some weight and am heading towards a healthier state.

4) I'm grateful for the extra energy I have, now I'm lighter. I picked up a weight of how much I've lost, at the gym today and it was canny heavy!

5) I'm grateful I managed to catch a bhangra drumming performance, randomly and bhangra dancing. I love it, it seems so joyful.

6) I'm grateful for some money my mam sent me in a cheque. She is much kinder to me, than she used to be.

7) I'm grateful for the hot bath I just had. It felt relaxing.

8) I'm grateful for some bargains I got today. Made me feel excited.

9) I'm grateful for the gym. I felt calmer after some exercise.

10) I'm so very grateful for my mobility. I have walked all over today and got lots done.

I've been in a lot of emotional distress, so I decided to take bold action and have begun an at home version of vipassana meditation practice.

Roughly speaking, it requires me to sit in meditation for 100 hours over 10 days.

I chose to do an hour of practice outside. It started to rain. Old men neighbours started shouting at me "it's raining, man!" "I know" I said. "Thank you" "you're getting wet!" They shouted. "I know, thank you" I replied. "What's the matter with her?!" They said exasperated. "Im meditating. I'm not going to move, but thank you!". I replied.

Haha. Funny. They think I'm mad - but is it life or death, moving out of a few minutes of light, summer rain? I lived to tell the tale, you know ?

Well, I didn't keep the meditation up but I did do a lot of hours in a short space of time.

I learned that I have a calmer perspective from that place. I can look at things with slight detachment and they don't seem quite so bad. 

I'm struggling with the friendship with the ex. Sometimes it's easy and comfortable but sometimes I feel uncomfortable. He will say things that reveal the way he thinks and it sets off danger signals in my body. I don't think he is dangerous to me, in a physical safety way. I just think he has a narcissistic way of looking at things at times.

I understand he pushes people away with his negative and hostile attitudes. It is not for me to fix. It is not my problem. I help where I can, then let go.

I was speaking to a friend last night, who commented that maybe it's more misogynistic than narcissistic. Maybe, yeah. I know it comes from pain, an emotionally unavailable mother. I'm safe. He can have attitudes that trigger me but I am safe.

Today, I am extremely grateful for:

1) A good night's sleep.

2) A lowered anxiety level.

3) A job to go to, today.

4) Clean sheets for my bed.

5) My healthy, happy cat.

6) The weight loss I've recently achieved.

7) The cholesterol test my GP has allowed me tomorrow, to make sure I'm not at risk from high cholesterol.

8) An exercise bike, to help me process the early morning adrenaline that wakes us up.

9) The internet. It provides extra connection for me.

10) Supportive friends.

I've been a bit tearful today. Got out and about. Took a book back to the library, got a sunbed - I know, I know! not good for you but I use them sometimes. Got a coffee and a couple of bits. I think I'm lonely. Connection was missing.

However, I'm very grateful for:

1) Knowledge of how to stretch my glutes, they were very sore and tight.

2) Healthy test results. Everything in the normal range.

3) Hats - they help me go outside when I can't be bothered to wash my hair.

4) A good night's sleep.

5) The energy to walk home, instead of taking the bus. I saved £2!

6) Work trousers from the charity shop, for £3.50.

7) Sunshine this afternoon. I've sat outside and hung out washing.

8) Finding my marigold seeds. I have not missed the window to plant them.

9) A bargain on my favourite energy drinks.

10) Time to sit in the sun and read for half an hour.

I'm so grateful for:

1) Supportive friends to talk to

2) A safe and peaceful home.

3) Good physical health.

4) A new job to try, tomorrow.

5) My parents are OK.

6) My cat is happy.

7) Extra meds to take, to help me on my first couple of days.

8) I got into town today, despite feeling anxious and I managed to stand in quite a long queue.

9) My exercise bike. I felt better after 20 minutes on that.

10) My ex had his kids over for tea and it made him really happy.

good luck tomo freda.... youll smash it....remember a stranger is just a potential friend.... don't worry everyon gets nerves on a first day.... the nerves make you better...

Lets talk after on chat xxx adam xx

Well, I certainly have had some trouble with oral pain, the past few days. Last thing I need, on top of starting a new job. I haven't enjoyed my days off to the fullest, due to this. However, it is what it is and I'm still very grateful for many things:

1) I'm so grateful for the emergency dental appointment I got yesterday morning. It put my mind at ease that there was nothing that needed doing.

2) I'm grateful the dentist gave me physio exercises to help with the suspected TMJ.

3) I'm grateful for painkillers. What beautiful creatures they are, at times like this!

4) I'm grateful I got enough sleep last night. Everything is easier when you have slept.

5) I'm grateful my ex went to get me an anaesthetic gel last night. It was so good of him.

6) I'm grateful to have today off work. I am going to do yoga, relaxation, everything I can to help myself in the present.

7) I'm grateful my cat is with me, giving me cuddles. Sweet girl.

8) I'm grateful to be in strong physical health.

9) I'm grateful for a healthy blood pressure and for feeling calm when I'm resting.

10) I'm grateful that if it is a bruised tooth and sensitivity, I should start improving now.

Cannot believe it has been a week since I posted! Time for some gratitude

1) I'm grateful to have learned better language to use with manipulative people and bullies. I had problems with someone this week and told them I felt very "uncomfortable". They can't argue with or twist that.

2) I'm grateful that I got back on my bike yesterday - literally! I did 30 minutes of cardio and felt better for it.

3) I'm grateful that my dental pain has diminished a lot.

4) I'm grateful the efforts to improve my health are working. I've lost 16lbs!

5) I'm grateful I've managed my emotions really well, the past few days.

6) I'm grateful for the listening ear session I had, on Wednesday, at a local support charity.

7) I'm grateful for my 3 months of sobriety.

8) I'm grateful for a really good shower. None of this pathetic, electric shower watering can rubbish. I got me a good sprayer! haha

9) After dipping into my overpayment reserves, this winter, I'm grateful to have paid my mortgage this month.

10) I'm so grateful I have a lovely manager who I feel comfortable with, at my new job.

I haven't felt like posting lately. Don't know why, just didn't want to write about how I feel.

I feel lonely and scared a lot of the time. There's a deep shame that keeps rising up inside of me. Not good enough, bad, angry, cowardly all the scary things I don't want to be.

As often happens, when there has been a lot to process, I am having a cry. Letting it out, through my eyeholes. Things are getting a bit easier but I want to feel better than "just about coping". I'm tired, I long for ease.

Found myself feeling shame, yesterday, as I was lying around in my own filth. The cat is shedding and there's fur and fluff everywhere and I couldn't be bothered to hoover. I didn't make it to the gym, like I wanted (but I did go on my exercise bike for 20 minutes). 

I've been spending a lot of time with my ex, recently. A lot of the insecurity and need to control that he seemed to have, has passed. I am very scared and wary of things going bad again, though. He is a stabilising force in my life, at present and I don't want that to change. I know he'd like us to be more than friends but I am scared. 

Not now. I don't have to decide right now. I told him I didn't feel the same way about him anymore and although he found that painful, he seemed to accept it. I don't want to give anyone half-love. He deserves to be adored and cherished. He has done wrong in the past but he is good inside, essentially. 

Hiya... long time no speak.

Ya lost 16 lb's.... brilliant.. well done! 🙂

I enjoy reading all your "grateful" things. Is a good habit to get into, boost the self-esteem.

Is hard to feel comfortable in our own skin sometimes.

That's much of the struggle of life I think.

Anyway, am thinking of you

All the best x