Going to keep this thread now!

Absolutely loving your positivity  Freda, its good to see.

It helps stave off depression and i firmly believe that a positive outlook creates opportunities we would not  otherwise see.

You are such an inspiring person, and i so hope you see that of yourself.

Thank You 

Absolutely loving your positivity  Freda, its good to see.

It helps stave off depression and i firmly believe that a positive outlook creates opportunities we would not  otherwise see.

You are such an inspiring person, and i so hope you see that of yourself.

Thank You 

I've been feeling loads better, in general, then I spend an hour with my snarky friend and her boy who has moved himself in to her house. 

I just cannot stand these snarky people anymore. If someone wants to have a respectful, mature conversation with me about why they don't like something I have said or done, I'm fine with it but this ultra woke superior snarkiness is poisonous and I don't want to be around it any more. I simply don't enjoy their company anymore and I leave them feeling disrespected and angry.

It just isn't worth it.

You can totally question people's behaviour with respect but this is just rude and antisocial.

I'm so very grateful for:

1) The lovely little dog I met on the train yesterday. He was very scared and being so brave. He seemed slightly soothed by my talking softly to him. I felt happy to see him relax a little. He was called Romeo. Fancy that!

2) Two more opportunities to be kind, in the same journey. A woman looked nervous about sitting next to a dog, so I offered to take that seat, so she could have mine. I got the chance to stand up and give that second seat to an elder with a walking stick. She was very grateful and it felt nice to be kind.

3) I got up quite early, two days in a row. It feels good to be preparing for my new job, ahead of time. It's kind to myself and I'm getting a lot done!

4) I'm so grateful that I've accomplished a lot, the past few days and haven't needed to use alcohol or tranquilisers to help me cope. I have increasing resilience.

5) I tried a new kind of work, yesterday. It went well and I am £31 richer for it!

6) I remembered to use my reusable coffee cup today. It was good for the environment and got me an extra loyalty stamp.

7) I bought some stuff from my friend's shop today and she delivered the oat milk for me. It was so kind of her!

8) I got some bargains at the shops today. It gave me a bit of a kick, haha!

9) I've washed up twice today and have done laundry and hoovered. I am on top of more things!

10) I had a lovely meal tonight. I bought a frozen curry and cooked it with some fresh veg. It was nutritious and nice. It was nice to feel like making the effort.

# 2 - My grandma passed that lesson to me - ' It's nice to be nice ' I never met her in my lifetime. None the less a good lesson she passed onto me.

Keep going 

Today, I'm so very grateful for:

1) Bargains! Got some more bargains. My freezer is stocked.

2) Singing. Had a nice time at my singing group, this morning and we had a laugh, as always.

3) My GA meeting. It was good to connect. Just 4 of us tonight, so we got to be selfish and each have a nice, long rant.

4) Friendship. I'm meeting up with a couple of friends on Saturday. I am blessed to know good people. 

5) Increased motivation. I ran/walked 5k on the treadmill tonight. I am regaining my fitness.

6) My air fryer! Wowee I had vegan chicken nuggets in 10 minutes, after the gym tonight!

7) Naps. I had a nice lie down in my cosy bed. It recharged my batteries so I could go to my meeting and then the gym.

8) A lift. It's very cold tonight. I got a lift up the road, to the gym, tonight. It was very much appreciated.

9) My cat. She loves me, always happy when I get home and she's currently sat on my feet, keeping them lovely and warm.

10) Appreciation. I bought some cheap potato wedges today, from Greggs. They were nowt flash but I was hungry and really enjoyed them.

I'm so very grateful for:

1) a cosy bed to nap in. I didn't sleep great but I had a lovely nap and it recharged my batteries

2) a helpful technical guy at work - I went to get an app fixed. It was stopping me accessing my work stuff with ease. Now I can access it with ease. It is wonderful to have ease.

3) random freebies - I got a free tiny can of cider, yesterday, while on my break at work. It was a nice surprise and cute to look at and drink.

4) bonus time - we finished today's induction activities early. I got a nap and went to get groceries, with this bonus time.

5) good training. we have been shown exactly how to clean a washroom today. it is great to be supported.

6) a smile from a child - is there anything more precious or pure? I helped a child when her mum's arms were full, today. she was happy.

7) my warm coat - gosh it was cold today. how sad I would have been, without my warm coat

8) my improved mood. I'm finding it easier to wash my dishes.

9) my warm and safe home. it's winter and my boiler is in good condition. how lucky I am!

10) low anxiety. I am taking my new job and situation calmly, one day at a time.

Just checking in on my diary

I'm quite sleepy, so will keep it short.

No gambling since I last posted. I chaired a GA meeting for the first time, on Wednesday. I love my recovery buddies. There's no bull, there. 

Work is going OK. It's surprisingly low stress. 

I'm starting a relationship with someone. Things have moved quite quickly, which is a bad habit for me but we are just seeing each other a couple of times a week. We've had a really lovely day, today.

@freda life is worth enjoying gambling can never give u peace making memories is one thing we need to understand addiction or no addiction life will always try u it was never suppose to perfect seek happiness from inside and deal with problems accordingly life with test you in everyway it how you come out on top that counts?

Cheers, Tazman!

I'm still good. 

Had my one month check in with supervisor, for new job. All is well, very happy with me, no concerns. Happy days.

Relationship is still going OK. Not getting too absorbed with it. Older, wiser.

Have not heard from the "frenemy" in weeks. Don't miss her. Was probably time to say ship up or ship out, I'm not having this. Thing is, it's fine to have periods where we don't bring anything to the table. She's had a lot going on....but don't come to the table empty-handed, then slap me in the face, like. Just rude and mean. I'll share my bait with anyone but don't poke me in the eye while you're at it.

Damaged people, silly billies. No time for those that can't be respectful. Just bright blessings, see you down the road.

Sobriety intact. Told new guy about recovery. Was vague with him last week, when I'd been chairing a GA meeting. Then I just thought, ah, I'll tell him. He'll pick up on the secrecy. He seemed cool with it. Time will tell, as always.

Hi diary.

It's the middle of the night and insomnia and anxiety have hit me once again.

I'm off sick. I was just about coping with my job but I freaked out in my relationship, I don't have my best friend to talk to anymore and then my mam ended up in A and E and it has all come crashing down. I have hit that point where I have had to drop everything.

It's an awful state to be in. I was alone and asked my ex boyfriend if I could stay with him tonight, on his sofa. 

That's how desperate I felt. 

I'm in a state where I'm scared like a little child and just want to be looked after. Just want someone to make me feel safe. I feel so much fear that it sets me off again having to give anything to anyone else. I suppose where unconditional love and support would be wonderful. How can I expect that from others when I can't do that for anyone? I mean I can't offer that ever. I struggle so much that I can't risk someone turning up when I can't cope, if you see what I mean.

It makes me feel parasitic. Needing but not being able to give. It's very rare I'm this bad but it means I struggle to maintain relationships. I'm scared of being overwhelmed. 

It's trauma isn't it? Having a mother who gave love but then got nasty if I couldn't meet her needs. I'm not being a victim. I'm just aware of the root of it. Her being ill has likely brought up all of those feelings because I was struggling to cope at the time. 

I've tried so hard to heal it. I have been paying privately for EMDR and was desperate for it to work. It seemed to be helping but this meltdown has damaged my confidence. I don't know if I'll be able to go back to work. I loved being off benefits. I honestly would be working if I could cope without it making me ill. 

I used to try and push through it and still go to work but it gave me disturbing thoughts, anger that felt scary and it now makes my blood pressure sky high. It was 165/100, at the doctors today.

I'm a good person and will work if I can, so I do wish the system would just believe me and let me volunteer and stop scaring me by stopping benefits. Let me contribute in a way I can stay well. Like being a volunteer.

Anyway, these are my thoughts and this is my truth. If you want to be critical, I only ask that you try to do it diplomatically as I'm in a lot of pain. Please don't tell me to just get on with it or something, I'd find it really hard to not lose my temper. Just honesty.

I feel a bit paranoid that it looks like my posts are being moderated and I wonder why or what I have done wrong but I am trying not to think about it right now.

I was safe with him and I was grateful for that. 

I've put some stuff in place. I have emergency meds that I can only take in a crisis. They are addictive and make anxiety worse. I had to take some the other day because I couldn't soothe myself. They give me a rest from the fear, help me to think straight. I've had two days off them, therefore I'm out of the woods.

I think we all have this fear, to one extent or another. It's having to be afraid and be alone. I've actually just thought of the solution, for what I'm struggling with but I'll continue to write it out because it helps. It's a process. I can refer back to this, in moments of overwhelm. I think I'll make a panic box again. I used to have one to use when I was afraid and couldn't think straight and it just basically tells me what to do, when I can't figure it out myself. It has phrases in it that I know will help. Stuff like that.

I'm afraid of engulfment. Of someone needing me more than I can cope with and of me relying on that person. I think everyone needs a "person" someone they can call in an emergency, so they aren't alone. Someone who can help them to feel safe. Usually, for most people, they have this in a parent, for most of their lives. Usually, this parent will never make them feel they have to repay this love. This makes them feel safe to get close to people and therefore be generally very stable in life. They learn that it's safe to have a handful of people, who they can say "if you are ever alone in an emergency, call me". They will have a handful of people who offer the same to them and voila! they feel safe. They are confident they never have to be alone and afraid.

I think if you've always had that, you don't have this fear of NOT having it. It goes a bit like this, for me: I struggle to cope with my own life and fears and struggles, so I'm scared to get close to anyone who again, needs more than most people. I'm afraid of being needed more than occasionally. That's all I feel I can cope with. For argument's sake, you could say I could afford to do that for one person, once a year. Something like that. I can offer general listening ear stuff more but this type of "crisis" situation, only once a year. This wouldn't drag me down or be unsustainable. For this reason, I very rarely say the "if you ever need me" thing to anyone. When people offer this to me, I feel guilty accepting it because I couldn't do the same for them.

When you have had a parent, who overwhelmed you with their needs, or withdrew love, affection and approval if you couldn't meet their needs, it messes you up. Worse, if they make you feel guilty for not being able to meet their needs, make you feel shame, it's debilitating.

I'm terrified of unknowingly getting close to another person like that. I think that's why I got scared getting close to this new man. He got very close to me, very quickly and started saying things like he would die for me. I didn't have a chance to figure out my own feelings before he started doing this. For this reason, I couldn't bask in it and just enjoy it. It made me feel scared that I was getting close to a very unstable person.

When I asked him if I could take a break and he started asking me if I was going to break up with him, during that break, I couldn't cope with it, so I did break up with him and got quite angry that he put me under that pressure, at a time when I told him I was very anxious and couldn't cope. He got angry back. It made everything worse.

So, the other night, I felt so overwhelmed, that I asked my ex who has been unhealthy with me in the past, if I could sleep on his sofa for the night. Just to feel safe until I felt better. That is really not ideal. It wasn't fair on him and it wasn't the safest position to put myself in, when I'm vulnerable (although I think I am actually fairly safe around him on a basic level. I'm as sure as you can be, that he wouldn't attack me).

Well, I somehow managed to go to work all last week. It was tough but I made it.

I'm not sure if I want to be kept on or not. My contract ends in 3 weeks. I'm not great at cleaning up P**P. I can handle it if it's not too bad but not keen. It's not an easy thing to do, dealing with the faeces of strangers.

I'm glad I got out of the relationship. This man is not nice. I've done my best to be kind to him but he's just angry he got rejected. He didn't love me.

The thing that made my mind up, I don't think I've mentioned it yet....was he grassed himself up but in quite a disturbing way. He was relating a story, in an eye-rolling, I got "told off" way. He sad that when his ex partner was giving birth, he was chatting up the midwife. While he was distracting her, she saw over his shoulder that something had progressed in the labour and said "oh! the head is there!"

Who does that?! Who is giving attention to another woman, one who is supposed to be there for his partner's needs, at the "business end" of labour?! I said we're you really chatting her up, or is that what your partner accused you of because she was out of it? "Oh, I was. I wouldn't have done anything about it, though. I was just trying to get her to make me a cup of coffee". I think it told me all I needed to know about his character. I'd rather not try to build a life with someone who might chat up a paramedic, someday, while I'm in pain or distress.

What on earth is wrong with people?!

So I'm just having an offload on my diary, as it generally helps.

I had another meltdown yesterday. I had two panic attacks and resorted to taking something that wasn't prescribed to me. 

I've been doing this cleaning job for two and a half months, now. It's challenging, busy, a lot to do in the time I have got. I usually cope OK but I get really anxious and paranoid when I hear rumours about management doling out petty punishments and spying on us. It's an environment that is very bad for me, mentally and emotionally. I went to a manager to clear something up, that I'd heard but didn't name anyone or betray anyone's confidence. She told me it wasn't true and it put my mind at rest, briefly but then the person I told about it, insisted it was true but they won't admit it. I really struggle with environments where I don't know what to believe. 

Yesterday, the big manager held a meeting and said that she wanted to debunk some rumours that she was hearing about and I got really anxious because I thought she was going to list the things I'd asked for reassurance about. The people who told me, would know it was me and I would be mistrusted and disliked by everyone. I had a panic attack at work and was in tears twice. It's just a fearful paranoid environment. It gets to me. In the end, it wasn't the things I'd been told but it had already triggered the anxiety.

Then, I had to take the cat to the vet in a taxi, there and back. She hates going in the box and I get anxious about getting her in it, on time. Then she was crying the whole way and I got panicky again. It was hard to book a taxi to come back. I had a bad panic attack on the way back and just felt overwhelmed. 

I'd emailed my manager, saying I didn't want to apply for the permanent post anymore. I honestly don't know what is best for me because I'm anxious about being in the benefit system again, so either option is worrying. I don't earn enough to have a much better life, in this cleaning job. I seem to need more things to help me cope. More alcohol, more massages, things to soothe the stress. I have to pay more council tax, too, so I'm not feeling much of a benefit. 

I'm shaky today and have had to stay home, as anxiety is still a bit raw. My blood pressure has been quite high lately too, so that is on my mind when I get anxious.

It helps to write these thoughts down.

I am feeling so much fear. It's something that no therapy has been able to address. I don't know if I just need to sit and feel it. Just let it pass through my body. Nothing is happening right now and I'm just sitting in bed, shaking. The urge is to distract myself. I suppose I'm partly doing that, now. I am letting myself feel it, though, as best I can.

I don't know what the answer is.  I'm not going into stories in my mind about what I'm afraid of, it's just fear.