Going to keep this thread now!

It can be really really difficult, stressful and tiring having to put your “game face” when going to work yet feeling c**P inside.

But, although it’s the last thing you feel like right now (getting out and meeting people) it’s a positive outcome, because when we hide away we can only but accentuate and embed how we’re really feeling.

I know you know all this, of course. But anything I can add as a possible “+1” today I’ll certainly give a try!

We’re all thinking of you and - without a doubt - with you, Freda.

@freda

Hi freda,

Thanks for sharing how you feel with us.  I hear you not wanting to go to work and staying at home today, that sounds difficult to manage having to go in when you’re feeling so bad, and lack of sleep never helps. Do reach out to the helpline if you need to, perhaps join the chats tonight if you can and get some support from folks if it’s hard to find your usual coping strategies?,  or your GP if that is a helpful option. The Samaritans are always a good option too Contact Us | Samaritans Take care of yourself and hope you have an uplift soon.

Best Wishes

Jane

Forum Admin

You should be really proud of yourself for being so self aware about how this negatively impacts you, and you should be so, so proud that you’ve kept this journal going. No matter what, there is 250 pages of documentation of your efforts, motivations, and successes. 

I hope you feel better soon. You’re motivating me!

Thanks everyone, that's really kind.

I went to work and started crying before I got there. I had a good sob, upstairs in the staff area for 5 minutes and that got enough out for me to be able to function a bit but I was still in tears when I started. They let me unpack the delivery out the back, so I could settle myself.

I haven't got a clue what is going on at work. It's a shoe shop and it's chaos. Every shift something has changed and there are boxes of shoes piled everywhere. I find it hard to take in instructions at the moment, so the managers have to keep repeating things to me. You start doing something, then put it down about five times, when customers want something. It's hard to get anything done, or remember what the heck you were doing, before you got interrupted.

I feel really thick when I'm there. I'm quite academically intelligent but l can't figure this place out. So that isn't helping.

I've got an out of hours appointment tomorrow with a GP but they don't really seem to be able to do anything. That was certainly the gist last time I went for help. 

I feel like I'm in a bad dream that I can't wake up from. I don't feel "safe". Inside my body I feel afraid, like it's not going to be OK. Like something bad is going to happen.

I feel like I'm just about keeping it together and if anything bad happened, I don't know if I'd be able to deal with it. I'm starting to have thoughts that it's all deliberate. That we are being put under increasing pressure, until we break.

I'm too hot a lot of the time and my body aches. 

I'm really limited to what I can watch. If there's any negativity or doom in it, it's too much for me. 

I think the worst part is not sleeping very well. I'm lucky that usually, I sleep well. So whatever else I'm dealing with, I am not tired. Lately, I've had a few sleepless nights, or I wake up after a few hours, despite being knackered. Then I can't get back to sleep.

I slept well, last night. I'm so pleased! I'm just lazing around today but think I'll go to the gym later, as it does me good.

There's nothing better than a good nights sleep Freda. Glad you got one!

Also, I read somewhere that the old adage "Manage your Time" could be reframed (an alternative view) as "Manage your energy".

And you're doing just that!

Wishing you well, as always.

Thanks, Mixer. 

I am mostly out of the doom type headspace. I did go to the gym and it did me good but I would like to manage to go more often. I was a bit weak and didn't have the stamina I usually have. I think it helped me to sleep, though.

I fell asleep at 7pm last night, after only being at work for 4 hours. Sometimes my energy levels are so low. I think it's perimenopause but I'm not sure what to do about it. I can't decide if I want to take the risk of taking estrogen, due to family medical history. A doctor has prescribed HRT but I'm still unsure whether to start it.

Well, I've had a more peaceful month, without such extreme lows but still a lot of moderate lows.

I'm back with an ex-partner. We split up because he was quite untrusting and insecure. He could be quite rebellious, provocative and was very intense and ranty.

He seems to have mellowed. He was in a worse place than he let on, when we were first together, due to the pain of his marriage and family home having broken up. 

He still has his issues, I still have mine. Thing is, "friends" have since behaved appallingly, compared to anything he ever did or said. 

He really does love me and cares for me when I'm depressed or anxious. With patience, love and kindness. I'm tired of toughing it out alone.

Want to make it clear, this is not the man with the history of domestic violence. 

I've been struggling with feelings of doom hanging over me. I have good days and bad. I'm incredibly grateful for all that I have and don't actually have it that hard, these days. Still the feelings of despair often come up in me. 

I'm lonely for community but I want to be around wise and kind community. Not people for the sake of it. I'm shifting in my ability to accept rude people as they are. To even find them amusing, little giant toddlers.

A woman who goes to my singing class is really highly strung and abrupt. She seems to have a bit of a "head girl" personality. She did a special part of the song, yesterday. I could see that she relished being special. Having her moment to show off. I realised it's neither good nor bad. It's just a need she has. For her own reasons. Made her seem kind of silly and childlike - but we all have those parts.

After class, she got to talking about things her family are going through and I saw all the good and love, in her personality as well.

We're all just trying to get through this life, as well as we can.

I'm all over the place, emotionally. Having a lot of depression and lows. Feeling fear and apprehension. It's really hard.

I feel like I'm in some sort of surreal dream. I'd lapsed a couple of weeks ago. Back on the wagon now.

Hi Freda,

Well done for all of the efforts you are putting into your recovery.

Please remember you can always call us if you need to talk about your recovery, at any point.

Please also use any other resources that you find help you to manage your emotional wellbeing, whether that be your GP, or other support.

Take good care of yourself,

Adam.

Where are you Freda?, hope you are ok.

I feel quite paranoid that it looks like I'm on moderation. My posts will only be seen by the Gamcare team. Maybe everyone is moderated now, who knows? Just don't like the feeling. I'm safe. Just existing, really. Takes a lot of energy to be a person but it will get better some day, I'm sure.

Hi freda,not spoke for a while. I hope your ok. Stay strong, you have alot of support on here. My diary is always open if you fancy a chat. Take care, stace x

Do everyone's posts say"this will only be seen by the gamcare team"? I never even post on here, anymore. I haven't got a clue what I've done.

I'm not in need of anyone's pity or sympathy forbeing "all alone" just need to stop being asked what I'm doing, several times a day. At least that has stopped now.

Hi freda, so were you write gets seen by everyone and then below were it says "this will only be seen by the gamcare team" there's another box, if you write in that one then it doesn't get posted on you diary but straight to the gamcare team. So say if your doing a post but also want to say something privately to the admin then you write your post as normal but then write what you want to say privately in the other box below. You've done nothing wrong  its just a new way of doing it. Hope this helps