Going to keep this thread now!

I've been in a lot of emotional distress, so I decided to take bold action and have begun an at home version of vipassana meditation practice.

Roughly speaking, it requires me to sit in meditation for 100 hours over 10 days.

I chose to do an hour of practice outside. It started to rain. Old men neighbours started shouting at me "it's raining, man!" "I know" I said. "Thank you" "you're getting wet!" They shouted. "I know, thank you" I replied. "What's the matter with her?!" They said exasperated. "Im meditating. I'm not going to move, but thank you!". I replied.

Haha. Funny. They think I'm mad - but is it life or death, moving out of a few minutes of light, summer rain? I lived to tell the tale, you know ?

Well, I didn't keep the meditation up but I did do a lot of hours in a short space of time.

I learned that I have a calmer perspective from that place. I can look at things with slight detachment and they don't seem quite so bad. 

I'm struggling with the friendship with the ex. Sometimes it's easy and comfortable but sometimes I feel uncomfortable. He will say things that reveal the way he thinks and it sets off danger signals in my body. I don't think he is dangerous to me, in a physical safety way. I just think he has a narcissistic way of looking at things at times.

I understand he pushes people away with his negative and hostile attitudes. It is not for me to fix. It is not my problem. I help where I can, then let go.

I was speaking to a friend last night, who commented that maybe it's more misogynistic than narcissistic. Maybe, yeah. I know it comes from pain, an emotionally unavailable mother. I'm safe. He can have attitudes that trigger me but I am safe.

Today, I am extremely grateful for:

1) A good night's sleep.

2) A lowered anxiety level.

3) A job to go to, today.

4) Clean sheets for my bed.

5) My healthy, happy cat.

6) The weight loss I've recently achieved.

7) The cholesterol test my GP has allowed me tomorrow, to make sure I'm not at risk from high cholesterol.

8) An exercise bike, to help me process the early morning adrenaline that wakes us up.

9) The internet. It provides extra connection for me.

10) Supportive friends.

I've been a bit tearful today. Got out and about. Took a book back to the library, got a sunbed - I know, I know! not good for you but I use them sometimes. Got a coffee and a couple of bits. I think I'm lonely. Connection was missing.

However, I'm very grateful for:

1) Knowledge of how to stretch my glutes, they were very sore and tight.

2) Healthy test results. Everything in the normal range.

3) Hats - they help me go outside when I can't be bothered to wash my hair.

4) A good night's sleep.

5) The energy to walk home, instead of taking the bus. I saved £2!

6) Work trousers from the charity shop, for £3.50.

7) Sunshine this afternoon. I've sat outside and hung out washing.

8) Finding my marigold seeds. I have not missed the window to plant them.

9) A bargain on my favourite energy drinks.

10) Time to sit in the sun and read for half an hour.

I'm so grateful for:

1) Supportive friends to talk to

2) A safe and peaceful home.

3) Good physical health.

4) A new job to try, tomorrow.

5) My parents are OK.

6) My cat is happy.

7) Extra meds to take, to help me on my first couple of days.

8) I got into town today, despite feeling anxious and I managed to stand in quite a long queue.

9) My exercise bike. I felt better after 20 minutes on that.

10) My ex had his kids over for tea and it made him really happy.

good luck tomo freda.... youll smash it....remember a stranger is just a potential friend.... don't worry everyon gets nerves on a first day.... the nerves make you better...

Lets talk after on chat xxx adam xx

Well, I certainly have had some trouble with oral pain, the past few days. Last thing I need, on top of starting a new job. I haven't enjoyed my days off to the fullest, due to this. However, it is what it is and I'm still very grateful for many things:

1) I'm so grateful for the emergency dental appointment I got yesterday morning. It put my mind at ease that there was nothing that needed doing.

2) I'm grateful the dentist gave me physio exercises to help with the suspected TMJ.

3) I'm grateful for painkillers. What beautiful creatures they are, at times like this!

4) I'm grateful I got enough sleep last night. Everything is easier when you have slept.

5) I'm grateful my ex went to get me an anaesthetic gel last night. It was so good of him.

6) I'm grateful to have today off work. I am going to do yoga, relaxation, everything I can to help myself in the present.

7) I'm grateful my cat is with me, giving me cuddles. Sweet girl.

8) I'm grateful to be in strong physical health.

9) I'm grateful for a healthy blood pressure and for feeling calm when I'm resting.

10) I'm grateful that if it is a bruised tooth and sensitivity, I should start improving now.

Cannot believe it has been a week since I posted! Time for some gratitude

1) I'm grateful to have learned better language to use with manipulative people and bullies. I had problems with someone this week and told them I felt very "uncomfortable". They can't argue with or twist that.

2) I'm grateful that I got back on my bike yesterday - literally! I did 30 minutes of cardio and felt better for it.

3) I'm grateful that my dental pain has diminished a lot.

4) I'm grateful the efforts to improve my health are working. I've lost 16lbs!

5) I'm grateful I've managed my emotions really well, the past few days.

6) I'm grateful for the listening ear session I had, on Wednesday, at a local support charity.

7) I'm grateful for my 3 months of sobriety.

8) I'm grateful for a really good shower. None of this pathetic, electric shower watering can rubbish. I got me a good sprayer! haha

9) After dipping into my overpayment reserves, this winter, I'm grateful to have paid my mortgage this month.

10) I'm so grateful I have a lovely manager who I feel comfortable with, at my new job.

I haven't felt like posting lately. Don't know why, just didn't want to write about how I feel.

I feel lonely and scared a lot of the time. There's a deep shame that keeps rising up inside of me. Not good enough, bad, angry, cowardly all the scary things I don't want to be.

As often happens, when there has been a lot to process, I am having a cry. Letting it out, through my eyeholes. Things are getting a bit easier but I want to feel better than "just about coping". I'm tired, I long for ease.

Found myself feeling shame, yesterday, as I was lying around in my own filth. The cat is shedding and there's fur and fluff everywhere and I couldn't be bothered to hoover. I didn't make it to the gym, like I wanted (but I did go on my exercise bike for 20 minutes). 

I've been spending a lot of time with my ex, recently. A lot of the insecurity and need to control that he seemed to have, has passed. I am very scared and wary of things going bad again, though. He is a stabilising force in my life, at present and I don't want that to change. I know he'd like us to be more than friends but I am scared. 

Not now. I don't have to decide right now. I told him I didn't feel the same way about him anymore and although he found that painful, he seemed to accept it. I don't want to give anyone half-love. He deserves to be adored and cherished. He has done wrong in the past but he is good inside, essentially. 

Hiya... long time no speak.

Ya lost 16 lb's.... brilliant.. well done! 🙂

I enjoy reading all your "grateful" things. Is a good habit to get into, boost the self-esteem.

Is hard to feel comfortable in our own skin sometimes.

That's much of the struggle of life I think.

Anyway, am thinking of you

All the best x

thanks, SA always good to hear from you!

I'm doing OK, just quite tired from working more hours than I can currently cope easily with. It is what it is and should ease off soon.

Hiya... and thanks for your recent support.

I find it's always hard to find a balance when it comes to work. The need for money and but also the need for stable mental health.

Take care, S.A x

I have some time off and I've fallen apart, a little bit. I'm having so much fear, anxiety and guilt going around inside of me.

I'm just trying to record my thoughts, to have some sort of record of them. I've got a lot of fear inside me but when I was sitting thinking about it, I managed to think in a way that felt a bit lighter and more helpful.

I was thinking about how there's actually nothing another person can do, to make it better and take away this fear. It's existential. I had it when I was in my last relationship of any length. I had an appointment that I was scared about. I sat in the chairs in the waiting room, with my then partner and felt scared. I noticed that it made no difference that he was there. It actually made it a little bit worse. Because I could see he was scared. In that moment, I felt angry that he wasn't being strong enough for me. I wanted to look at him and feel safe. Do you know what, though? I couldn't have been that strong for him. So if he was bad, I was bad. We can't ever guarantee that another person will be able to be there for us, at any given moment. We can't guarantee that for anyone else, either. 

A similar thing happened when I had a turn at A and E, when I was splitting up with my husband. I was really scared and none of the medics would comfort me. I know they were busy, again, I'm not saying anyone did anything wrong. I just wanted someone to hold my hand and tell me it was going to be OK. No matter how many friends, family or partners we have in our life - we might still end up alone and scared. 

Maybe this is why I ruminate on it. There is no solution. No magic wand. No fix. A lot of people end up this way. 

I noticed I felt happier, when I was busier. I think a lot of people find themselves in this position. It's sitting alone, with the fear, that is hardest. Maybe the answer is facing it. Living with it and sometimes forgetting to notice it. Like the ticking of a clock in a room. 

Wow, been feeling some deep things, the past few days. Just read that last post back.

I'm alright now. It'll be down again soon, no doubt - then up again. Such is life.

Freda i hope this doesnt come across as condescending. 

But here goes, the way you worked through how you felt on the 10th is really strong and i admire how you worked your way through each point and really thought about your thought processes and steps to alter it or get yourself into a better frame of mind i find extremely strong from you. To see it from someone else`s perspective and that they may have been vulnerable too shows great maturity and care for others.

I believe in karma, and have no doubt you will get your reward, what a fantastic, caring person you really are, seriously well done.