Going to keep this thread now!

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lids19635
(@lids19635)
Posts: 208
 

You write and describe things so well, you should do it more. Provoking thoughts is a massive skill that you seem to have in abundance. So with my memories and conscience prodded, here are a few of my own thoughts and memories of things that angered or wound me up. I too was angry with everyone and everything, if you jumped in the car with me you would find i thought everyone and every situation were pathetic and deserved derision and often swear words and abuse. Looking back i find i was hating myself and not the world because of what the gambling made me, i think they call it deflecting. Me i got frustrated when people could not do things that i thought they should be able to do, whether that be physical skills, or even people who struggled socially. I have always  struggled to see things from others angles and viewpoints. The gambling once again would make the shutters go up and made me feel my points and views had to be the correct ones and back in the bad old days i would struggle to see people had other thoughts, other worries and other often hidden problems. I know and its apparent i am much more relaxed, tolerant and think things through now that i have been gamble free for a while.

So why the long self indulgent post from me,

You do lots of things that were alien to me, you offer people every chance to interact with you, and always think the best of people, that`s such a good skill to have, but at some point you have to do what makes you feel good and what you are comfortable with. Have the conversations you enjoy and find rewarding. Analyzing and thinking things out is great but sometimes you have to speak your mind and set out the boundaries of what you find comfortable, your friend will hopefully learn from that and also set out their own boundaries and a happy medium can be struck of where the line should be. What i am trying to say is your communication and how you have handled the situation with your friend is really good, something i personally would struggle to do. The only downside is your friends communication and social skills don`t seem to be on a par with your own. You giving every opportunity is not only commendable but a massive act of kindness and shows you truly understand that what often comes out of someones mouth is not always how they are feeling. 

If you feel anger then feel anger, when you feel down feel down, but be proud how you understand and can articulate those emotions as many (me especially) cant or at least couldn`t.

Get into chat sometime and lets have a deep chat, or if needed a laugh and joke............

 

 

 
Posted : 8th July 2024 6:45 pm
(@freda)
Posts: 2966
Topic starter
 

Aww, lidsy thanks so much for that post. I always appreciate your input - I think you're better at relating, than you give yourself credit for.

I now understand why it's a bit extra hard for me to do people stuff and although I don't have a chip on my shoulder or expect any kind of special effort from anyone, man, do poor communicators make it harder!

I am now thinking of creating a bunch of essays on my experiences, as it feels like I can fit them under some sort of theme or umbrella of ASD. I knew I could write and express well but never quite knew how to channel it, or what to write about.

I've had a really hard day because after all the emotional stuff about dealing with confusing people, the flipping universal credit people left me an ominous but vague message for me about how my circumstances have changed. They provided no context whatsoever, no explanation of what circumstance they are referring to. Very distressing and worrying. I'm not aware of any circumstance changing. At least if they provide a context or some information, you can figure out what they might be misunderstanding and know how to resolve it. 

I've replied in my journal explaining that this has been very distressing and confusing for me. Now I have an ASD diagnosis I can be a bit more blunt without them punishing me, so I added that it often feels as though they are deliberately trying to cause distress. It will get sorted in time but what they don't realise is that coping with holding down even a part-time job is a very difficult thing and I have had to try and regulate and calm myself because of their behaviour because I still need to get a good night's sleep and be up at 7.30 for work.

Absolute bar stewards. Although this will not apply to me - want to make that very clear, it's no mystery why the DWP often seem to push people over the edge, so to speak.

Outside our old job centre, they had writing in the windows that said "making work pay" and someone crossed out work and replaced it with people. Never a truer word.

 
Posted : 8th July 2024 9:16 pm
(@freda)
Posts: 2966
Topic starter
 

LOng time since I posted.

 

I have been processing a lot. Mainly what I think of people, society in general and what place I want to take in it, in the future.

 

As a late diagnosed autistic person, I feel I have been doing a lot of work. A lot more work than other people and I'm tired. 

 

So I have learned the rules of what you're meant to do and not meant to do, to fit in. The confusion has come, when other people break those rules, with me. It has felt like other people are allowed to be rude and unkind but when I do it accidentally, in an innocent way, I'm singled out. I don't like it.

 

I've been welcomed into various social groups but then not treated with the same respect and value as others. I have a tendency to be more honest but I know to be careful with what I say to a person's face. What has really messed with me, is when I've talked amongst friends, honestly, about how I struggle with other people in various ways and the reasons why. Unusual behaviour that has made me feel uncomfortable. I've always noted that it might be due to various factors the other person can't help, like autism or a learning disability. To me, this is showing that I can see that it's not personal but I still need to find a way to navigate these people without being unkind. We don't have a societal method for people who are different. We are either openly rejecting of them, or we pretend we like them, then avoid them - which is very confusing for the other person. I used to hang around with some people like that and it's a horrible feeling. Do you know the worst thing? they were on the spectrum too. I have since found out. So they were publicly shaming people and acting like experts on how to behave. 

 

I think the pretending to like them approach, is actually quite cruel. They are sent mixed messages but can see that they are being treated differently to the others. So they're forced into this pretend world, this reality that they can see, but no-one else is admitting to. The different person is gaslit and starts to feel they are going mad.

 

I've always thought the best way is to gently explain to the different person. It's the confusion that is the worst. To take them aside and say "when you said that, I think it hurt that person's feelings because....." 

 

What has been very distressing for me, is when someone publicly puts me on the spot and confronts me. It's really frightening. I believe it's called "calling someone out" but it's a very abusive behaviour. I suppose it's the cowardly option, for anyone who isn't prepared to speak to the other person one-to-one. It's public shaming.

 

So, you have either that, or being avoided. Surely we can do better than that.

 

I think the way things are at the moment, you have to decide whether to try and fit in, or not. I haven't got the energy anymore. 

 

As for gambling. I have accepted that I find it harder to completely commit to never doing something again. I don't think it's an excuse, it's just the reality for me. I don't seem to have the ability to just completely self-destruct. I do understand why some people have to have zero tolerance in their own lives. I was at a 12 step meeting, where I was the only one admitting to having bought a one pound ticket for a softer form of gambling, yet someone else came in, claiming to be be sober and loads of betting slips fell out of their pocket. I just found it all a bit silly. The meetings seem to be full of two kinds of people, as well. Co-dependents and narcissists. My self-preservation kicked in. There are lovely people, reaching out, offering to be there for others, then those people get overwhelmed because the same support is not offered from the narcs. They are just there to feed on co-dependent's. Most of them are probably still in action, yet they have a captive audience to listen to their woes and look after them. I can see the dynamics playing out.

 

There's a lot of autism in addiction circles, mind you. At my local meeting, there was a man who often chaired, who genuinely wanted to help people, I think. However, he appeared to have undiagnosed asd. Nothing wrong with that. He did, however, ramble on for about 30 minutes at the start, then after every share, he'd ramble on for another 15 minutes. This is the thing I mean, about not saying anything to people who are different, though. No-one else's needs were being met and the meetings went on for about 3 hours, which few people could manage to sit through, just for the chance to talk for 5 minutes themselves. I'm sure someone could have raised his awareness by simply having a word in his ear, about maybe setting a 5 minute timer, for his reflections after shares, so the meetings didn't become too lengthy. You can do it kindly. 

 

My nephew was diagnosed young and was taught to ask people if he was boring them, lol. I think that was maybe quite an unskilled prompt to teach a kid, as no-one is going to say "yes" really, are they? It was a start though. In my opinion, being one myself, autistic people can learn ways to navigate social situations. It's more cruel to say nothing and avoid them. I'm sure of it.

 

I'll share the scenario I was shamed for, actually. I was having problems politely maintaining boundaries with an autistic woman, I'd met socially. I totally got that she deserves to be treated with dignity and respect, like everyone else and I stated that out loud. I was in a very overwhelmed place myself, having just been left by my husband and struggled with social stuff at the best of times. I was talking about how I'd had to block this woman from seeing my social media posts, as she was asking if she could come along, to everything I mentioned doing. I'd met her once and she was fine, nice enough person - but I didn't want to be forced to spend all of my time with her, out of politeness, because I'd end up exasperated and snapping at her. Personally, I understand I might not be everyone's cup of tea and many people won't want to see me most days. I'm sure I'm very annoying to a lot of people. I was sharing this with the group I was with, as I didn't know how best to handle these situations. I was shamed for mentioning her autism - what has that got to do with anything? I'm pretty sure it was why she didn't automatically know her behaviour was very intense and would feel too much, for a lot of people. Personally, I'd want to know. In a measured, diplomatic way, rather than a state of constant bewilderment that people seem to avoid me, but I don't understand why. According to this group of people, you are just supposed to pretend and confuse the other person, as that is better than explaining the truth kindly and having that person in your life, rather than having to avoid them. That you like to do a lot of things alone, or spend time with a mixture of people but you didn't know how to explain that in a way that wouldn't feel hurtful to them. 

 

I do love my diary for this. It's my opportunity to express myself fully. People don't have to read it, if they are not interested in listening to me. I get the space though, to express myself. I get to be honest about how I see the world. I believe I can trust myself, to be honest in a way that isn't nasty. When I've reflected, the people who have taken exception to my honesty have been personally triggered by it. The person who shamed me for this honesty, was "looking after" the feelings of her partner who was autistic but had chosen to not be open about that. I have always loved getting that insight, when people have spoken honestly, without any malice. It's an opportunity to learn the ways I might not be aware of how other people are feeling around me. 

 

There's too much "that hurt my feelings, so you must be bad" in society these days. I've always been able to see that other people have feelings and needs and that this is OK. No-one needs to be the bad guy. Autistic people are not the bad guys and nor are the people who struggle with aspects of their behaviour. I'm thinking of starting a blog about high functioning autism and asking other people in that category to share what they would prefer. Solutions, so we are not excluded as much. Rather than this pantomime where no-one is being honest and autistic people remain isolated.

 
Posted : 5th October 2024 11:19 am
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Posts: 6162
Admin
 

@freda 

Welcome back to the forum and thank you for sharing your experiences with us Freda. Just know you never have to be alone with all this.   

Feel free to contact our 24/7 helpline on 0808 8020 133 or use our live chat if you need further support at any point.  

kind regards, 

Tom (forum admin) 

 
Posted : 6th October 2024 4:39 am
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