Going to keep this thread now!

Freda, (kirsty) thats so sweet thanks xxx, dont realy know what to say. Im just pouring my whole life out on my diary, Not sure if its a good thing lol! Without being honest though i will never get the gambling out of my life for good. A post from mancity on my diary gave me alot to think about and that is how we react to situations which are differcault, they make or break us. I do hope you go to your next counselling session, from your postings you clearly have a good counsellor. Im going on tuesday for assesment in london. We can all rid our lives of gambling if we choose, its just f*****g hard!! ooops sorry for swearing on your diary.

Take care ((kirsty)), hope you have a good weekend, i'll be thinking of you. andrew x

Have spent a few hours in the company of my two brothers today, and definitely made the right decision when I decided to make them a very small part of my life.

In our family, you are expected to ignore rude, selfish and nasty behaviour. You are not meant to react at all to being treated like poo, if you do, you get your head bitten off. You are supposed to just take the abuse and keep your mouth shut.

Seeing my brothers makes me feel proud of myself, and who I am. Im so happy I am me, I would hate to be them. They have no friends, are angry all the time, are fat, lazy and selfish, and treat our parents with no respect whatsoever. The person who used to feel guilty when she was shouted at, and told she was unreasonable and annoying, is dead. In her place is someone with self-respect, who would never treat people the way her brothers do. She now sees them for what they are - nasty, selfish, controlling bullies.

Thank god I only see them about twice a year! What a pair of P****s!

Hi Freda (K)

Hope your ok, shouldn't laugh but your last post has made me laugh. Just the last sentence tho. and they do sound like a pair of P****s too!

Take care ands x

Ha ha,

I know, I was getting it all off my chest wasn't I? Do you know, they expected a 4 year old and a 8 year old (mildly autistic) boy to sit silently for 20 minutes waiting for their dinner in a poncy pub, with no toys or anything to amuse themselves! Good job auntie Kirsty was there with some paper and a pen. They are such beautifully behaved little boys, and they get shouted at if they dare to make a peep. I get so annoyed when kids get told off for being normal children.

Im so glad I don't see them often. Its flippin painful biting my tongue. My eldest brother was so nasty and abusive to me when I was little, that I dont know if I'll ever recover. I say "sorry" constantly when I cry, because he told me I was a spoiled brat, who was acting like a baby to get him into trouble when I was little. He would tease me until he managed to make me cry, then laugh at me and take photos of my tantrums which was humiliating and distressing. Very disturbing considering when I was 5, he was 14 and knew exactly what he was doing.

He disgusts me.

Still gamble free after 19 ish days! Getting little temptations, just that little voice that says 'go on, just a pound!' but ignoring it successfully up to now.

Morning Freda,

Well done on 19 days.... that's great.

The little voice "go on have a pound".....tell the little voice to "shut up". We both know it won't stop at a pound.

Stay strong Freda

Jas x

PS...I haven't heard the word P***k used for ages....I like it....I may start using it again as I describes some people I know perfectly lol

Freda,

Well done on your 19 days, you are doing so well. What is it with families eh? am just realising for the first time that my dad's mental bullying has made me very unsure of myself in "adult" life, like you I am going to get counselling to deal with it and hopefully move on for good.

By the way, I knew your name wasn't freda, it sounded like a pensioner's name and your posts were too vibrant and youthful.

Take Care,

DT

Thanks for the messages guys, always nice to have another point of view!

Feeling dead moody today, but today I will not gamble. Passed loads of arcades on my travels today, and was tempted each time. The temptation has definitely come back over the last few days. I suspect this is for 1 or both of these reasons:

1) The initial fired up determination and novelty of making this change has settled down now. Its easy to quit anything for a few weeks isnt it?

2) Ive recently spent time with my family. My counsellor said something which really struck a chord last week. She said when we have been told from childhood that we are always wrong and incompetent, its unsettling to be told anything different. When we enter the adult world, and find that people are treating us as normal competent people, we feel they must have made some mistake. Even though we dont like being told we are incompetent/lazy/stupid/insert your own word here it is familiar. So we keep reverting back to this role, even though we dont understand why.

It makes sense that whenever Im around my family - particularly my abusive brother - I get the urge to do something stupid and destructive. Being with them reminds me of who I learned I was when I was growing up - someone who's a nuisance, someone to be angry with and to punish. Someone who's just not ok.

Its thought-provoking stuff. I do sometimes wonder why my partner doesn't bite my head off, and get angry with me. Why he doesn't seem to think I'm a nuisance. It definitely feels wrong. Am I trying to prove that I am these things by gambling?

Ive just realised it will be 4 weeks tomorrow since my last bet! I was thinking it was only 3. How time flies when you are going through the emotional mill, lol.

Thanks for posting on my diary f. It seems "family" is a running theme through a lot of recovery diaries.

You, my friend, are a very clever and articulate young lady. Your posts make a lot of sense and I am so glad there are people like you around.

Thank you so much.

Now resist those urges girl...4 weeks is amazing. Be strong, love from Jas xx

Thanks Jas, you brought a tear to my eye there! I feel the same about you.

I have to admit, the less time I spend exposed to my family, the happier and more confident I am. I don't like myself when I'm around my family, because they bring out the worst in me. When I'm with them my ability to feel peaceful and loving is blocked. The most common emotion I feel when with them? Anger.

I hope some day that this will be different. I think once I am strong in myself, the anger wont arise. In order to become strong in myself, they cant be a large part of my life right now. If I am around them a lot, they will just drag me down and I'll never get strong.

At the moment, when I'm with them I'm as bad as them. If I become stronger in myself, I will be able to remain peaceful, loving and compassionate in their presence. Hopefully this will inspire them to do the same.

Such a shame, because I get so much pleasure from my nephews and niece. Its what I need to do to stay sane though.

f x

More of the same tonight I'm afraid, which is why I missed chat. Would've liked to have chatted with people who understand, but ended up so distressed by more family codswallop that I couldn't have sat still to do it.

My fantastic partner was out catching up with his family, who are lovely. I really didn't want to call him and ask him to come home - he would have been happy to if I needed him though - so ended up on the phone to the Samaritans! I hate that my eldest brother has the ability to cause me this much distress. Have decided to throw the towel in as far as he is concerned. I just cant have him in my life. I wont be able to continue much of a relationship with my niece and nephews, who I love fiercely, but Ive no choice. If I stay in contact with him, I'll probably go mad.

So feelings of anger, frustration and sadness tonight, but today I did not gamble.

I cant sleep. I really do feel sick to the pit of my stomach. Burning with anger at the hypocrisy - getting told im horrible for judging my brother without hearing his side of the story, when my brother and his wife have judged me plenty without bothering to ask my side in the past.

Its just so one-sided. One rule for me and another for them. I always have to apologise, but they never do. Sorry to have such a moan-fest, I'm just burning with hurt and injustice...

One of those things it takes a while to heal from. Sound like a moody teenager but its really not fair!

I wont let this beat me, its just uncomfortable and upsetting. Im stronger than that (though dont feel it right now)

Freda,

So sorry that your brother is causing you even more problems at the moment at a time when you really don't need it. As discussed before, my dad is similar, in that any contact with him at all leaves me so depressed that I can't do anything at all. I know I should cut off any contact for a better life, but because it is family I feel as though I have some unofficial contract with him so he can treat me like s**t till he dies.

Anyone looking in impartially would say not to see your brother any more, end of story. But it is not that easy as I understand.

Perhaps people with more confidence would just cut off contact now? I don't know.

Whatever happens, just because you have gambled in the past does not make you a bad person. If contact with your brother makes you feel this bad, can you limit the contact in the short term as the most important thing is you and your recovery.

Personally, I have moved out of my parents house, but have had to lie all the way through and now just e/mail every couple of days, they still judge/moan/criticise but at least I am not there to see it. They will never change, as disappointing as that is, I have to accept that in my hour of need my family could not and would not help me, that's tough for me.

I miss chat on weds too as it splits up an otherwise long and all too boring day, but just keep posting as there is never ending support here for you.

I hope you feel better today.

DT

Hi Freda. How are you today. Don`t forget that there is always 24/7 chat at

http://www.sfcghub.com/cgsf1.html

I can`t be certain that anyone will be in the room but at 9 o`clock last night there was 6 or more. Nice place to be.

hi freda,

I enjoyed the chat yesterday.. I wish you well. yes i'm scottish - we have a whole different language of our own 😛

take care

x