Ground zero

I have come crawling back with my tail between my legs and I do not expect any sympathy. I am not going to spend time wallowing in what has happened apart from saying that, having successfully gambled since the start of March this year, I found myself 20k up, but am now 5k down following my last bet yesterday evening. It is debt I cannot afford at the moment owing to renovation work and holiday expenses, but I have decided it is time to stop and come back to my diary. The money has gone and there is nothing I can do about it.

I had a productive stint on this diary last time around and felt a lot better and contented as a person - someone who has time for their family and friends, who understands the value of money, and who feels morally clean (even when I was winning money gambling, I felt so dishonest, guilty and dirty). I want to be that good, clean person again. I want to spend more time with my young son and give him the childhood he deserves - he should not have a father who has always got one eye on the next horse race.

I know the next few days and weeks will be hard as I am going to be craving my gambling fix, but I must be strong. I have a lot of work to do at the moment - both at home and at work - so I must keep myself busy. I feel sick to the core at the moment and went to bed last night with a churning stomach, a racing pulse and a sweating body. I have been here before and I am so stupid for letting history repeat itself. Here we go again...

Day 1: no gambling today.

Pellekanin

Fella welcome back, thanks for sharing your latest post with the forum,an honest account again of what gambling does to the mind,in my mind a mind f**k.

It takes great courage to admit to our shortcomings,it takes even greater courage to make the hardest choice

to arrest the destruction that is our compulsion to gamble, it is easy to simply throw all caution to the wind and wear the 'f**k it' head.

I hope too your son grows up without being the innocent victim of this,my children suffered greatly at the hands of my own compulsion to gamble,something today I work hard to ensure doesn't happen again.

Do what works for you,as said many times recovery is a bespoke journey,tailor it to work for you.

The end game for us the same

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

Day 2: no gambling today.

Thank you for your post Duncan. I am pleased to say that I have got through the weekend without gambling. I have had urges, particularly on Saturday afternoon, but I managed to keep myself busy and put myself in a position where I could not gamble. One of the reasons I have gambled in the past is that I have been bored and/or had time on my hands. This has to change. I need to refocus on my work and start doing other things in my life again - reading, music, language-learning etc. I have to put this wretched episode in my life behind me. Tomorrow is day 3 and I am determined to get through it without gambling. I have a lot of work to do and that must be my focus for the days, weeks and months ahead.

Day 3: no gambling today.

I just re-read the Wheel of Misfortune article and what a well-written account it is - it brings a tear to my eye every time I read it. If you have not read it before, here is the link: http://www.gascotland.org/literatures/

I have had a tiring, busy day. I have not gambled but I did have urges this evening as I knew there was evening racing at Leicester and Windsor. Anyway, I managed not to get involved - it will only take one bet to suck me back in at the moment. I had an argument with a bookmaker earlier regarding an ante-post bet I have on the Epsom Derby on 7th June. I want to cancel it, but they have refused - it is not possible apparently. I cannot even forfeit the bet and lose the money. Stupid. Anyway, I have 100 each-way on Kingfisher at 33/1. I cannot feel completely clean until that bet is settled. If it wins (very unlikely) or is placed (unlikely), I will use the money to pay off some of my debts. However, it would be better for me if the horse finishes last.

I have been browsing through various diaries on this forum. There is some good stuff and some painfully honest accounts of people's lives, but the one sad thing is the number of abandoned diaries. I wonder what happens to some of these people; I hope they manage to recover from this terrible addiction in another way. It is also sad to see that some people who I knew from my last stint (2011-2013) have disappeared altogether. I guess every recovery is personal and a virtual community cannot last forever. There is a time and a place for us all to move on.

Anyway, as for me, I am tightening my belt for the weeks and months ahead: cycling to work every day is a must while beans on toast and fruit for lunch will become my staple diet. I have to cut down my spending. I also need to sell some of my possessions - my CD and book collection will have to be thinned down.

If I am lucky, I can be debt-free by the end of September, but that is going to be a big push. I would like to get 100 days plus under my belt first. I know what will happen if I start gambling again - not only will it wreck my life emotionally, mentally and physically, but I will be financially ruined within weeks. I am suffering from chronic dj vu at the moment - I cannot let the horrors of 2011 be repeated. My debts were also 5k at this time back then, but I did not stop gambling and they went up, and up, and up. By November 2011, I had 14k of debt and it took me over two years to pay it off. I am not going back there. Ever. That was one of the lowest periods of my life. It is also the time when I came across GamCare and these recovery diaries, which have helped me enormously.

Day 4: no gambling today.

I am spending the evening at The Oval with my father. England are playing Sri Lanka.

I am battering my way through Day 5. I am constantly on my guard against gambling urges. Payday is tomorrow and I need to stake 1,000 on my credit card. I will have to do the same in June. It is a lot of money to pay, but until recently I was staking that amount of money in low-grade, two-minute horse races. What a fool. I'll be living off baked beans, bread and bananas for the next two months but that is my punishment for being such a greedy, selfish and impatient moron.

As soon as I have made the payment to my credit card tomorrow, I will reduce my credit limit immediately. I need to limit my access to credit over the coming weeks and months. By cutting off the oxygen supply, I can put out the gambling flame inside me. As of tomorrow, my credit card balance will be 4,000. As of 20th June, it will be 3,000. I'll then pay off 500 for the remaining six months of the year and close the wretched account down in December. Any extra cash will go towards servicing my debts. What a stupid fool I have been. Still, onwards and upwards.

Day 5: no gambling today.

Hi

Not good to see you back, but great to see you back. I suppose we all find gambling once let out of the bottle impossible to control it's just a matter of time. You were a great inspiration on here before and I am sure you will be back up and running in no time. How's the baby.

Michael

Day 6: no gambling today.

I am looking forward to getting through my first week without a bet. I am still feeling stressed and uneasy with fairly regular urges, but I know I will start to feel calmer the further I get into my recovery. At the moment I just need to get as many gamble-free days under my belt as possible. I remember from last time that three weeks marked a significant mental change.

I reduced my credit card debt to 4,000 today. It means I do not have much money to last me until the next payday in June, but I should have enough to survive. At least the money was staked on my debts and not some donkey running around a race course. I am very busy at home and at work at the moment. My son is a source of joy but is also hard work at times - the "terrible twos" have arrived!

Fella

great to read you are looking at the positive things recovery gifts the compulsive gambler who wants to take them.

A huge smile was raised regarding those terrible two's

As a father of three,now aged 20.18 and 15 you have many more years to enjoy !! lol

In truth they gift far more joy in my life than they do headaches

the only thing different from when they were toddling

The older ones now drink the beers in the fridge and can reach the top cupboard chocolate stash lol.

Keep making the right choice,lastly regarding the debt take heart from the fact that all the time you don't have a punt the debt will not grow!!!

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

Thank you for your post, Duncan. Although I am not staking money on donkeys at the moment, I have a number of other expenses in my life that are causing me stress. Aside from some hefty bills, various "home improvement" works are taking longer than expected, are more expensive than expected and are more frustrating than expected. I am so fed up with it all. It is times like these when the urge to gamble is greater than ever - it provides a chance to escape reality and the frustrations of life. However, I know that the relief is not permanent and will actually end up making reality much worse. If I can get through today, I can at least say I am one week gamble free. Good luck everyone.

Day 7: no gambling today.

I am sorry to say that I have slipped up already. I only lasted a week. I had urges all afternoon before succumbing. I backed two tips from a tipster I have followed closely in the past. Stupid of me. Anyway, I followed his advice and both horses lost. I am 500 GBP worse off and my credit card is now maxed-out at 4,500 GBP. It is a blessing that my credit card is maxed-out because I would only have chased my losses and increased my balance. I am not going to dwell on this latest mistake in my betting life. I have an empty feeling inside me. There is more to life than this. Day 1 starts again tomorrow. There are 72 days until my birthday. Hopefully by then I will be in a better position financially, emotionally and mentally.