HARMONY !

Thanks for the post and the comments Shiny and good to read you are doing so well.

The fact you think about gambling each day strikes a chord with me for sure, especially when you say its not an urge but just something you would rather be doing. Like that phrase.

Best wishes and I appreciate your support.

Hey shiny,

Fantastic to hear from you...Thank you for your kind words today...

I found myself really low today, but hey...i'm up and going...That's all you left to do...just keep going..no matter what.

i wish all the best for you, keep posting and spit everything out what troubles you...

Take care

Sandra x

Shiny,

Fabulous to hear from you and although I have not left regular messages on your diary I think of you every time I log on to the forum. Your strength never ceases to amaze me even during difficult times. I always think you find a way to cope with what the world throws at you.

Same old story for me which you can probably relate to. Trying to stop gambling so instead I am training like Rocky. Every night is spent running or at boxing. There is never a middle ground always all or nothing. My marathon is just around the corner and tonight I am targeting a 20 mile run. At least this obsession doesn't cost me money and lets me enjoy a nice sleep at night.

I find my days are split in two. I can deal with all my rubbish at night by doing something such as running or boxing to take up the time but during the day it can be a different matter. I have my own office at work and can alone without anyone knowing what I am doing. Time can be spent thinking/worrying about life's problems and there is no escape at that point. I can't just get up and walk out or put on my trainers and run my worries away.

You mentioned on a previous post that you think of gambling everyday and sometimes miss the distraction that it brings. I don't miss it everyday but I just don't want to have to go through life waking up in the morning and reminding myself of what I am not allowed to do today. I wonder what it is like for people to wake up with no worries and just get on with their lives.

Together we are on the right path and that is all we can do for today.

Have a lovely weekend.

Tomso.

Yo,

Tough day today .mind is going 20 too the dozen.

I now live at my dads house and have as many of you know left my husband , my home and the shop after 25 years of marriage .

I will be ok as I will live here and have my real job , so supporting myself and my youngest through uni is doable .

It was something I had thought about doing for five years , but really over the last year began to put things in place .

I believe for myself that I had come to realise that I needed calm and quiet in my life . That in order to continue to stay in recovery I needed to live a different life . The life I am currently trying to carved out for myself .

The shop should be sold within a month or so , with this my husband will be homeless, wifeless and jobless.

Today he was saying how his world has fallen apart and that this has hit him harder than the death of his own dad . He never saw it coming and is beside himself as too what to do . As the reality of the situation dawns on him , he is crumbling .

But I have to stay strong , I have to remind myself that I did my best for them all for all those years , and as sad as it is I deserve to be happy.

It's hard I believe duty and honour made me stay and work like a crazy women to try to keep them all , it cost me physically mentally and financially .

It hard to see him in such pain , like a child who can not find his mum. I hope he come to terms with it all quickly and begins to sort out where he is going to live and how he is going to support himself .

I know that my road to a better life still has plenty of bumps in it and that there maybe some very trying times ahead . But carry on forward I will .

Sure a few hrs in the garden tomorrow , will help ease my obsess churning over of this whole situation .

But right now I feel like I have let them all down , and that I have caused my family's unhappiness which is a very tough thing to bare .

Shiny xxxxxx

Hey Shiny,

Thank you for your post and admire your dedication to work, to come in over weekends;-)

The backstabber is under control, back to planet Eearth, but i keep my beady eye on her hehe. Company was very kind to give her last chance..

Anyway, back to more important things. I so wish you to settle with your thoughts and try to cope with everything in a calm way. Sounds like pretty tough situation you got there, but i believe in you, you are strong woman and can get over hurdles in Life.

We all deserve calmer and peaceful life, you are reaching just for that. Sometimes it takes more actions than just words.

I wish you all the best, stay strong and look forward.

Keep posting, we are listening.

Sandra x

Hey Shiny ..

On here we don't give advice but ...here goes! ..

The Chinese word for "crisis" is the the same as the chinese word for "opportunity" ..your soon to be ex hubby now is in sink or swim and you no longer have to sacrifice yourself to keep that whole ship afloat because i know that is what it was....a sacrifice not a compromise.

He's an adult and he also will have to do the hard work to start over...

He had every opportunity to change and he didn't so I'm sorry I know it's harsh but you pays your money you takes your choice..he's gonna have a wake up call whether he likes it or not ..

I know this may be over the line but to carry on gambling when your wife is a self confessed CG is beyond insensitive...l

I know in my bones you will be ok..and any financial fears you have will be small fry compared to what you have come away from.

I'm doing waitressing at the moment alongside my main job but I have had periods of working 7 days a week and 3 jobs ..I was never happier and that is what I was doing before i met him.

I was a Territory Manager in a corporate job doing 800 miles a week nationwide....a nutrition consult on a Saturday and a shopgirl is a farm shop of a Sunday ...

My tax was a nightmare but I never felt more alive ,connected to people and happy ....yes me! Happy !

Never worry about money....if you are prepared to have a go at anything and are a grafter you will be inundated with offers!!!

Trust me.......at 46 and beyond you have never been more sought after in the workplace...reliable and a personality xx

R and D xx

Shiny.

It never ceases to amaze me how much effort you give to life.

You can only continue this if you look after yourself.

Be kind to that face that looks back from the mirror.

Don't forget to gift it a smile.

Why??

Because your worth it.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Yo,

Thank you Sandra ( pretty made up you decided to stick around xxx) Duncs and and the oh so lovely Rach xxxxxx

Today still over obsessing . Over the break up of my marriage and with that the guilt that I have about walking away . I have a tornado going on in my head and its so frustrating that I can not get to stop . Replaying over and over again conversations , actions , that took place through my marriage or since I have left . In particular the time I hit rock bottom , through my gambling .

Not that I have the slightest inclination to gamble . But this is what I would try to escape from . Looking after dad in recent months this has not happened , I have not had an obsessive thinking episode .

I have always been plagued with this . I gambled to escape my thoughts and then found myself obsessing , mentally beating myself up for gambling . So I would gamble some more . How fooooooking crazy is that .

But whilst standing there in front of a machine the thoughts stopped .

It would be easy to say just stop , tell yourself enough already ,you have replayed that in your mind once , it will not be any different when you replay it again , or again or again but I can't . It will ease it always does and I have to go into work soon so that will focus my mind on something different .

I know that I should not feel bad , I know that I gave it my all for 25 years , but convincing myself in my mind to stop looking for ways to either justify my decision to leave , or am I feeling so guilty that I need to do this as a way of self abuse .

It will pass it always does , and I suppose that these episodes are becoming less and less frequent . So I am most defo on the right tract , and one great big fooooking pat on the back for me today coz I am letting the washing machine of my mind go through its cycle ( I just remembered that , that expression was gifted by one of my dear gamcare buds) and not looking for away to escape into one of my addictions .

Bit of a ramble today, and a bit jumbled , like my thoughts lol

Laters

Shiny xxxxxx

Hey Hun

Phew! ..I just worried you may be worrying about money and all that ...that's ok then...I know in that department you are safe..

On the washing machine brain..you rightly identify its a cycle and one that will switch off...the guilts are natural and normal and always remember as you say ,your gambling was the symptom of something that was wrong in your life...

If it helps you ..you may remember I manipulated a situation that I could have arrested at anytime sending a whole family into turmoil on Xmas day ! ...I saw a slightly open window and went for it as I knew it was now or never..

Desperate people do desperate things my lovely so don't go beating yourself up for that ...the people who understand you and really do care will always see passed the thing that happened,that brought it all to a head...Who would have thought my exes mum would be on here cheering me on eh?

You gave it your all Shiny ...but it's your turn now for some peace of mind and to find out what you want.

You changed ...you are not a bad person.

Change is allowed and non of us have the power to change anyone else to keep them with us but equally we can't stay tight in our cocoon either when we need to blossom into a butterfly....

Your life is important too and as far as we know we only come around this way once...

Keep posting

R and D xxx

(((((S))))))

"Change happens when the pain it takes to stay the same is greater than the pain it takes to change "

(Al. Anon)

YOU matter Shiny..xxxx

And it does pass Shiny one who use to think they were dusty.

A nice honest post there. Im going to walk a very thin line here but i have followed your diary and can remember the time when you tip toed round these diarys. You've came along way but a trait of us compulsive heads will never take a step back and applaud ourselves, its the self harm we've became accustomed too.

Escaping our thoughts too the dazzling lights of a machine sucking f*****g leach is the easy option and part of our programming. We/i in our insecurities are fearful to express our thoughts in the worry that we'll upset some apple cart, yet there'smany a apple tree out there.

Think the time you spent with your pops is so invaluable in life and appreciating that we enter life with unconditional love, hence its fitting to leave the same way and let the new chapter begin. I also applaud and bow to your bravery regarding your marriage, just like gambling or other compulsions its hard to break a habit but very essential.

Strength to you

Hey again Shiny,

Well, i must appologise i'm a bit slow catching up what the real situation is. My respect to you girl! I think you will find it the best decition of your life. It's not easy, but hey...don't you think you suffered enough through all these years? You deserve the best!

It is YOU what matters....as Rachel says( and she is wise woman) all i can do is just to echo the words 10000 times!

Take it easy and take care

Oh Shiny light at work we will unite hehe ( as well as here of course)

Sandra x

Hi Shiny,

Just wanted to say thanks for your recent support.

Keep strong girl, I'm sure things will get better for you soon.

Take care

Ade xxxx

Yo,

Mentally in a much better place than I was a few days ago. Without I must add , giving so much as a centimetre.

When in throw of gambling always looking for the quick fix .

Quick fix to forget my troubles

Quick fix to escape my troubles .

Quick fix to try to finance dept caused .( usually from the last quick fix)

Quick fix to try to make myself feel better.

Quick fix to avoid dealing with the real route of the problems .

I have always given money , time , anything needed to solve the problem . To keep others happy , as if I was the guardian of their happiness . By doing this I made a rod for my own back , my sister told me only last week you are your own worst enemy.

It hurt when she said it , but after consideration you know what she was spot on.

Well no more !

As bad as I felt these last few days , and how much my body wanted to solve the issue . Say or do things to make my husband feel better , I did not .

Neither did I seek out an escape to ease my troubled mind . ( those escapes normally being in front of a machine or at the bottom of a very tall glass )

Patience is something I am learning , it's tough but I am determined to no longer be my worst enemy .

People pleasing to my own detriment is becoming a thing of the past .

Right off to work, is there not a law against working bank holidays lol

Laters

Shiny xxxxxx

Hi Shiny,

Had to pop on by before signing off for the day. You are a remarkable woman. Just sayin. Thanks for the posts. I always get a boost hearing from you. And, long may our hoppers sparkle. -joanxxxxxxxxxx