Thanks KTF. I hope you are right. I feel very lost but the only direction I have is to lead a gamble free honest life. I lost myself for such a long time. I know I am a nice guy, with great friends but one who has been troubled for a great period and has made some horrible mistakes. I have learnt so much from these.
When I look back on this I will see a lot of pain and heart ache along with mistakes. I want in the future to look in the mirror and see strength, lessons learned and some pride in myself. I want to be proof that good people make bad decisions and mess up but they learn and grow into someone who they can be proud of.
DAY 128 today. Life is a bit daunting but I have to remain positive that I will come out the other side of this. I am still having a lot of dreams about my ex and her daughter, they are so real. Last night we were on an open top bus somewhere and we were so happy. I woke up at 5am and back to reality with a bump. The love I have for those girls runs so deep inside me. It's a tragedy I cannot give it to them now.
Keep fighting Matt. ..you're doing great. ....
One day you'll look in that mirror and you WILL see strength and honesty looking right back at you...trust me....it's a day worth fighting for...x
Thank you Loxxie. My life is on the change and I am going to be someone I can be proud of. For now though the focus is on day by day and re discovering and re educating myself to get some self esteem and some self love.
Day 129 today. Sorting my new life path out. It is daunting but it's the only way. No more gambling, lies, deceit or hurt.
I am not what I have done I will be what I have overcome.
Day 130 today. Day 129 was a real revelation. I have been diagnosed as codependent. This was both eye opening and inspiring. I am learning so much through my therapy.
Maybe hard for a lot on here to relate to but I now have my reasons for gambling and destructive behaviour of the past. If anyone is following my diary I urge you to find a therapist and get professional help. The man sat here typing this finally feels alive, worthy and with a big future ahead.
The last few months I have been in utter despair, ruined as a person. Little did I know I wasn't ruined, the shell of my oyster was destroyed to reveal a pearl, that is exactly how I feel now.
From the bottom of my heart everyone I hope we can beat this addiction together.
Day 132. I'm in such a better place. Lots of unknown ahead of me but I'm now taking that as a good thing.
DAY 134 today. Valentines day (great). I wish I could go back in time knowing all I know now. No more lies, betrayal or gambling. I feel so much a better person now but everything haunts me, I miss my ex and her little one so so much.
day 135 begins. No urges at all in so long to gamble, long may it continue,.
Busy working on a Bucket List. Once my house is sold I am going to start getting a lot of them ticked off. I am in the process of booking a combined whale watching and Northern lights tour. Two things I am desperate to do and see. It is amazing what being free of gambling can open up for you.
Stay strong everyone.
Day 136 today. Councelling tonight, looking forward to it.
Sounds good Matt. Keep it up, you're doing great. xx
Thanks LML. Still feeling my loss everyday but I know I have to make peace with my past, I am not that guy anymore, he has long gone. Who sits here typing this is a man who has made some mistakes but has learnt the ultimate lesson by paying the ultimate price. From now on I am focussing on all that I have done good in my life and will continue that path, it is after all who I really am and who I want to be forever.
Day 137 today, I hope by day 365 that I am looking back at the fond memories rather than all the pain.
It is weird sitting here contemplating life as a single, gamble free, trouble free man. I truly hit rock bottom in recent times. They say everything happens for a reason and to believe in fate. I hate my mistakes and I hate that I have lost the two people dearest to me and that will live with me forever. I lay awake at night thinking all sorts of regretful thoughts, desperate to turn the clock back, I know I can't though. I have shed more tears in the last 3 months than in my entire lifetime.
All this however has finally opened my eyes and I know it has set me free onto a path of being a good person and one that people will be lucky to have in their lives. I will be forever sorry for the hurt and pain I have caused but this is my fuel to be as good a man as I can be. I will always love my ex, her daughter and I will certainly always be thankful that they put me on this path. I will also think of them every night for the rest of my days hoping they are happy, smiling, loved and cared for. I want that for them more than anything. I don't care about myself, I know I am fully responsible for my own wellbeing and I will make sure I am okay. I know I cannot be in their lives or care for them anymore but that won't stop me wanting the best for them.
If anyone is reading this, think before your next bet, your next potential mistake. Put some boundaries in place and take a step back and realise what is important to you. You never know how close you are to losing that.
Stay strong everyone.
Matt
Matt I totally understand where you are coming from, I lost my partner and her two little boys due to GAMBLING and the lies adn horrilbe life that comes with it.
Great post and the last paragraph so true. We dont truly know what we have lost until it has gone.
Be a better person dont gamble dont risk life
Malc
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
