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Hi Matt, it takes a lot to admit we are at fault but it takes two to tango. Although you sent that text for your own closure it was still a very heartfelt gesture showing what a caring and considerate soul you are. Sometimes people expect us to turn our emotion on/off like a tap but it doesn't work like that does it? When the timing is right I'm sure you will be blessed with everything you deserve and more. Your diary is standing testimony that recovery is possible with determination, courage and commitment, so without being patronising I'm beyond proud and so pleased for you. Borderline soppy post over, take care my friend S:)

Hi Matt, your diary was one of the first I read. You have been on one hell of a ride that is certainly on the upward trend.

You are offer a great insight into the problems gambling brings, and you are living proof that it is possible to turn things around.

All the best on your newest chapter.

Day 295

Thanks Sharon, as ever I appreciate your kind words. It has been an emotional journey and I just felt I wanted to make peace with my past a little and just close the door behind me in the right way.

Itmattersmore. I appreciate that too. I hope that people can take a little bit of optimism from my story that they too can turn life around. At times I feel like I have been dragging a wheelbarrow uphill in deep sand but I have got to the top now and do believe that the life ahead will hopefully be the one I have always wanted.

Thanks again for your comments.

Matt

Well matt, who'd have thought it, what a difference a year (well nearly!) can make.
Remembering your story, your friends have been amazing, your challenges have been a struggle, your honesty has been heartbreaking to read at times but the determination to get to where you are today has carried you through.
The life experiences of this last year should help set you up for a lifetime.
All good wishes
Lml x

Day 296

Hi LML,

Been a little while. Yeah I am a world away from where I was and have indeed had unbelievable support from those close to me. I do feel that nothing could ever break me now, I truly hit my rock bottom and bounced back. Still a way to go, re-building my life as a fully autonomous human being is a little daunting, even now.

There is a hint of loneliness and what now? This, I guess is natural as the largest parts of my life are no more (My ex, her daughter and of course gambling). However the path is completely clear for my new adventure and I plan to make the most of it.

I hope all is good with you LML.

Matt

DAY 298

Busy weekend ahead but another one I am looking forward to and in turn should help me sail through the 300 day gamble free barrier.

Tonight I am out for dinner locally, tomorrow I am heading back to my old town and visiting a friend and his GF as they have just bought their first home together and moved back from London. Be good to catch up with them. They played a little part in my recovery and rememeber belly laughing for the first time in a long while on a night out with them the last time I saw them.

Locks are now changed on my house so no potentially unwanted visits and life has very much just changed gear.

Stay strong and I hope everyone has a nice weekend.

Matt

Well done Matt . Enormous respect for your achievement to date , it must have taken a lot of courage .... stephen

Nearly there matt ! Like what they say on 300 (movie) " they will be no glory in your sacrifice " only if you gamble ! Stay strong and GF .

Sars

Thanks guys.

I believe that total abstinence is the only way to recovery so you definitely chose the right username Stephen. I wish you well in your recovery.

I don't really see it as courage that got me through it more necessity. I got beaten up emotionally but stayed true to myself and my recovery.

299 days gamble free and the light is firmly switched on at the end of the tunnel. I appreciate your comments they really help keep this diary alive. I have documented everything these past 8 months and reading back is pretty eye opening what I went through.

stay strong everyone

Matt

Well done Matt 300 days a great achievement. How far you have come, those first 100 days where tough mate and you never thought you would get here. I told you things would get better and you couldn't see it then but you certainly can now. I don't want to say I told you so but I told you so lol.

To watch your progress has been a joy to watch to see you blossom and grow is an inspiration anyone starting out or at anytime in their journey. I'd recommend anyone to read your diary and see what a difference stopping gambling can make.

Keep going the way you are Matt and that year will soon be here.

KTF

Day 300, I can hardly believe it.

KTF you did indeed tell me so! I won't lie, I really could not see the woods from the trees at points and never had the faith I could truly get through that painful, traumatic time. Your diary was an inspiration and one I took some heart from that it could be possible to end the gambling hell.

I am sat here so thankful for everyone's help, empathy, insight and advice. Without you and this site I don't think I could have got to where I am today.

The journey continues tomorrow, day 301 and hurtling to my first full year without a bet.

Thanks again to everyone again who reads, comments and continues to keep this alive. I am committing to a lifetime of abstinence and as long as possible this diary will live with that.

Matt

DAY 303.

Nearly 10 months since my last bet. Football season just around the corner. I would usually be frantically reading forums and trying to get a head start on the bookies to see who's teams are potentially looking good and placing season long bets. Then when the season arrived I would think nothing of spending £££'s on accumulators etc. This time last year I was planning a holiday with my ex and her daughter to Tenerife. It would turn out to be our last holiday together.

3 weeks tomorrow I was due to be getting married, what a strange thought that is now. I still have thoughts and feelings towards them, mainly wondering if her daughter still thinks or asks about me. I know maybe these thoughts are a little unhealthy but I am confident they are natural. I have had an extremely busy time with work recently but having completed the task and obviously with my house buy out completed, I am finding myself with some time on my hands which leaves me with my own thoughts. My mind wanders off into the past and the future.

I will however now plough into the next true goal, a whole 365 days gamble free.

Hi Matt, fair play I don't think you would be human if you didn't have these feelings and thoughts. Understandably you are grieving for the relationships and set up that isn't there anymore and no one can put a time limit on this. You've been through so much and have totally changed your life so please be kind to yourself. Take csre S:)

a painful but great read

aside from the 365 target - what other goals do you have in life Matt?

DAY 304

Hi Sharon, yeah I know it is natural but it is a little hard still at times, I will get there though.

Hi CG. I have a bucket list drawn up which I have started on. 100 things to do before I die. Next up at the end of the year is Whale watching and the Northern Lights.