Here i am again. FINAL

Good luck friend. Today starts the rest of a good life. Indulge in the help available on this forum... It sure as hell helped me. Also any additional help you need is out there... Find it. Good luck.

Thanks Signalman....

I am taking this which is in my make up, that is hidden when i am in charge and the moment i let my guard down , bang ! its there and ive lost control...... im in charge now, im gonna see it all the f***n time, i will keep control and my guard up , i am sick of belittling myself, losing respect, losing myself, my happiness....This is time , ive had enough.. im in it forever, cos i , subconciously , will never let it go,, this addiction is one that will keep coming back at ya, always come back,,, never underestimate and think you've conquered it, you feel like you have , but i certainly did'nt,,, .. I dont like using the expression 'IT', like its some sort of living thing that lives inside me,, it aint,, its ME,,, and im resposible for my actions and the sooner i get to grips with that again the better,, its me that has the choice to do or not to do,ffs,,,, weak i have been,NOT NO MORE... Guard Up, Rainman

Hi Rainman , It's soo nice to see someone saying " It's me " and " I am responsible for my actions " :))

The times I would argue the toss on here with people convinced it's all a plot against them by the major gambling establishment ?.

I alway's took ownership of my addiction as well and in my eyes nobody ever held a gun to my head and said "place this bet " I knew what I was doing win lose or draw and it was all through choice :((

True , it is part of our make up our DNA otherwise everyone would be a CG ? but we still have that stuff deep inside us that has the ability to say no , sometimes you just gotta dig deep to find it .

Don't big gambling up or give it any credit as it deserves none , it's a habit formed by ourselves and believe me it's one that can be broken and controlled .

Wishing you well Rainman .

Alan

Thanks Alan.. and all the best.....

My life is on the brink of falling apart yet again because of my actions, i am not going to boo hoo about it,, i admit it is down to me, recognize it, and act on it, take action, someone said to me this morning that i have changed so much over the last six months and im not the person she new,,, now i had been puting that down to other changes in my life that have been very unsettling,, well the truth is that those other traumas, would not be such a big thing if i hadnt been locking myself in a betting shop and getting high on a win or more like LOW on a loss, let me tell you gambling changes your personality, i knew that, so why did i fall for it again,,, cos i choose to, and now i own up, am i that stupid that i didnt see it coming, no i carried on and would say to myself "i will stop now" , yep i said it after i lost" i never said it after a win, PRATT on both counts,, a person with my experience should'nt have gone back at all, and if i did , then i should have shook myself up and got back on the wagon,, the truth is i lied to myself and i am so cross with myself about that,, after my last exploits with gambling and straightening myself out, i took great pride in the fact that i didnt have to lie to myself or anyone anymore, it felt great, i felt good with myself,,, im gonna get those feelings back, because they are truly wonderful feelings, they are how i should be and i will get them back and once ive got em,,, i am dammed if im ever going to let them go.. Guard Up , Rainman

Thanks Sand, yes, i am staying close to this place. Take care. Guard Up, Rainman.

How bad is it when i am doing my best to control this stinking addiction of mine and my partner does not want to hear about it but is quick enough to kick me when I’ve gambled, she set fire to a grand i won once, she’s spent money I’ve won and she’s walked out on me when I’ve gambled, now she does not want to hear anything about my battle, probably can’t bear to think that I’m in this position at all, well i am and i intend to go the distance, big row about it last night and we have split . No support, well it’s something i got into on my own, I’ll sort it on my own ffs. Guard Up, Rainman

Thanks Sand, don’t worry about being harsh, i like to hear it as it is. I do agree with you and yes it does hurt her more, cant deal with it, she inherited it with me,(i split with my wife last September Sand), it was my choice to leave, but we still get on, . I’m not blaming my partner, sorry it probably came across like that by the way i wrote it, I won’t go into detail, let’s put it like this, my explanation of how i am dealing with my gambling problem was totally ignored and over talked to someone else while i was still talking to my partner, never mind, back on texting terms. All the best to you Sand, and i do appreciate your input ta. Guard Up Rainman

Rainman.
Fella I have read your latest thread and remember you well, if I am not wrong the Last time you were here your son started a thread to help with his own addiction, I hope he is well.
You guided me through some truly stormy seas with the grit and determination you brought to the forum.
I hope you find that again.
My only comment is I can understand your partner not wanting to listen because I guess she like my wife heard it all before.
Don't be angry about that use your actions to speak for you my friend.
Because it's said they speak far louder than words.
Addiction loves us to be all pent up with anger it for me leaves an avenue for it to get back in.
I accept that I am an addict, addiction ruled my life for more than twenty years, I can't change that, I try to make ammends where possible and most of all learn how to live with addiction.
There's a way.
It's no quick fix, it's a whole life choice.
This forum provides a great dose of medicine, I look forward to sharing that with you.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks for posting Duncs, and hope all is well with you and yours. Yes actions do speak louder than words, making the right choice, getting the right result every day, as every non gambling day goes by its a good result and will feel my self respect rise, not only my own self respect, but respect from others, those who are close and it will be seen in time that i mean bussiness and that i am strong, i must never underestimate the damage i could do and the damage i have done, bring it to the forefront of my thoughts, never leave it far away and always knowing that i am a C G. .. Im in it for life, i aint going down no more..... Thanks for asking about my son, im afraid he got his self in a bit of a mess again , but hes stopped at the moment, i think ? Guard Up , Rainman

Evening diary, I’m ok and not had much thought of gambling, I’m not struggling with it and my mind is fixed on keeping straight. I looked back over my bank statements earlier and could see when i was really hitting it , like out of control , looking back gives you an ugly reminder of those bad times and although it is not nice, it’s the truth and if taken in will help keep you straight for the present,. I’ve struggled more since February as i have been on long term sick and having worked all my life, I’m not used to being off work, i have old injuries that have come back at me and unfortunately have stopped me from my work.... on top of that, gambling , relationship break down, financial hardship and a lot of different addresses in the last year, including 9 weeks in a hostel , I’m renting my own small flat now and getting to grips with myself and my situation, I’ve made a move on my finances today and the good people at CAB are working for me, it will take time, but worth it in the end, making it happen is what it’s about, regardless of situation i will make it happen , I’m on quite a few meds for my injuries and sometimes cannot put my foot to the floor , but i have more good days than bad, although i am in pain every day, just some times more than others. I keep experiencing and learning every day, as long as i take in what’s going on around me, . If i don’t learn from my experiences, then i am a fool, and a fool and his money are soon parted, I’ve been a fool, not always, sometimes it’s easy to forget and that’s when things are going great for you in life, and that’s when you’re at your most vulnerable, it don’t mean that i have to be constantly on my guard and tensed Up, just don’t want to take things for granted and true values, understand others rather than be wrapped up in myself ...When i was gambling and in between gambling, i wasn’t giving my whole attention to those who were talking and taking an interest in me, cos i was up tight with the gambling, worried about the last losses and worrying about tomorrow when i would go again, FFS , how selfish and ignorant, what sort of life is that, that is a waste of my life,, no more will i waste it, i ain’t gonna let myself down to that stinkin level again, I ain’t gambling no more. Gambling is a waste of time and a personality changer.Guard Up, Rainman

All good as can be today, I’m thankful for that and although i have gone past a couple of bookmakers, i have no pull to go, i am self excluded, but that hasn’t stopped me in the past, but the main thing is that my mind set is that i will not gamble, i don’t want to. Onwards and upwards. Guard Up, Rainman

I became frustrated and anxious yesterday afternoon, i blew a fuse, ,, filling out forms, more and more forms, phone calls to creditors, small money in my pocket and the electric is beeping,, i had to go to the food bank , things are tough, ,, i thought,, wot the heck would it matter if i took the small amount of money that i have and go the bookies , it wouldn’t matter a ,,, i was really down and walked to the seafront , thinking of only gambling, my mind was made Up because i didn’t want to think anymore, it was all too much , so it was easy and made me feel better to give in, i turned around and started walking to a bookies , i felt relief and free,, as i got closer to my destination, my steps became slower, did i really want this, was i really gonna do this, i slowly came to a halt, two shops away from the betting shop , outside a convenience store,, the begger on the floor asked me for change,, all i heard was CHANGE , i stood for a few seconds, then went into the convenience store, bought 2 bottles of drink and went home, i had half a bottle last night, and i must admit that the feeling i got when i decided to drop my Guard and gamble was total relief and i felt free, it’s total madness init, anyway pressure is still on with unpaid bills and little money but i have won a battle, it was close but i won it. Guard Up, Rainman I became frustrated and anxious yesterday afternoon, i blew a fuse, ,, filling out forms, more and more forms, phone calls to creditors, small money in my pocket and the electric is beeping,, i had to go to the food bank , things are tough, ,, i thought,, wot the heck would it matter if i took the small amount of money that i have and go the bookies , it wouldn’t matter a ,,, i was really down and walked to the seafront , thinking of only gambling, my mind was made Up because i didn’t want to think anymore, it was all too much , so it was easy and made me feel better to give in, i turned around and started walking to a bookies , i felt relief and free,, as i got closer to my destination, my steps became slower, did i really want this, was i really gonna do this, i slowly came to a halt, two shops away from the betting shop , outside a convenience store,, the begger on the floor asked me for change,, all i heard was CHANGE , i stood for a few seconds, then went into the convenience store, bought 2 bottles of drink and went home, i had half a bottle last night, and i must admit that the feeling i got when i decided to drop my Guard and gamble was total relief and i felt free, it’s total madness init, anyway pressure is still on with unpaid bills and little money but i have won a battle, it was close but i won it. Guard Up, Rainman

Hey Rainman, Just remember - If you dont keep that guard up at all times, you can expect one all mighty left hook haymaker to catch you square on the chin. Next time you feel the urge.....walk in the totally opposite direction. The physicality of walking away can be very strong and affirmative....with each step you take you are moving away from the problem. Getting messed up on booze and going betting simply because you had to fill out some forms and make some calls is pretty much a lame excuse. You need to be a stronger guy now, you are where you are, it is what it is.....but you (and only you) have the ability to make it better. Get frustrated - Get angry, but use those feelings to focus where you want to be and who you want to become......that old mould is broken, that way of living is in the past - gone forever. Physically and literally - Walk the other way....Its calmer and brighter around the corner and just over the horizon. Sbb

Thanks ssb. Just put one thing right, i wasn’t on the booze when i got the urge to gamble, but bought a drink with my money instead of going in the betting shop . I know what you’re saying about walking away from, physically acting is taking the mental stress away, but you have to decide which way to walk in the beginning, so either way it’s a brain game , it’s all down to me, what i want to do, i have the ability to choose, control, change my mind, truth or lies, it’s all my choice, there is know excuse,, ssb i was not making a lame excuse about form filling , It might come easy to some but not me, and the subject of the paperwork is very distressing for me, so please allow for that and as i said, i hadn’t had a drink, . I’m not here to explain nor defend, I’m here because i want and will stop gambling. Guard Up , Rainman