Hope

SA

Just touching base again and thought i would be the first to congratulate on day 149 with the big 150 tomorrow.

Loved the story about the Tesco clubcrad points ---ain't that always the way!!

Keep it going mate - you're doing superbly well.

Tiodaat

SA

Congrats on 150 not out.........a real sterling effort.........here's to the next 150 mate!

Thanks also for the wise words on my diary........I know exactly what you mean...........I had previously gone a year and then got sucked back in! It is very difficult to fight the demons and one slip puts you right back at the bottom of the pile. However, with your and Del's good advice, once again, I am resilient and ready for the battle ahead.

Thanks SA - you have really helped me and been a real star!

Tiodaat

Hi SA thanks for your post, but I didnt manage to ride those urges, I AM SUCH A STUPID FOOL, went to another town and lost £350 and didnt really even enjoy myself, so its back to day 1 I guess tomorrow, thanks for being there and supporting me, so sorry that I have messed up big time, dont know why the urges just started yesterday and just kept coming like a drug

Hello my friend! I just wanted to wish you a happy 150 days!!! I am so proud of you. You've really ridden the roller coaster these past 5 months, but you've stuck it out, and I'm just so glad for you. I hope your depression has lifted and you're feeling better. I seem to have days like that where I just don't even want to get out of bed, but it always passes, and the sun shines again...

Sending big hugs your way.

Love, Anna

Hi, Happy 150th Birthday, that is wonderful only wish that I had your strength, A BIG WELL DONE Bandit

Thank you everyone for your warm and supportive comments and yes today is 150 days since i last gambled. Not so much as a lottery ticket in that time. I do feel proud of what I have acheived.

I have had to work my recovery the last few months, as Anna says, stress levels have been high throughout this time and although I feel strong in recovery today I know I have certain challenges that lie ahead.

I think that one thing that is slowly changing within me is that I am allowing myself more support whether thats meeting a friend for a coffee and a chat, going to GA or talking about how i am feeling on here. I know within myself that if I allow my problems and feelings to swim around my headspace unchecked and if I isolate myself.. ulitmately I end up gambling.

I am also able to live and breath whatever is going on for me without taking the edge off with gambling. Gambling is no longer an option. Gambling is not a solution to my problems and I will not escape into gambling because then my problems become worse. Sometimes I do not find my life easy but it is certainly better without gambling as a part of it.

I take my life a day at a time as always. Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Hiya S A

A big congratualtions to you in reaching day 150, brilliant! 🙂

Del xxx

Hi S.A. Just wanted to send to huge well done on reaching another milestone for you. Time flies when you take each day at a time and stay positive. Keep using the tools which work for you, sounds a winning combination to me.

Best wishes

Keith.

SA,

Thanx for your support on my diary as it is much appreciated and apolls that i havent replied sooner.

Congrats on 150 days + not out a real achievement as it can only be done on a daily basis and by nature we are not tme most patient of people.

As you said isolating ourselves or associating with the most dangerous man/woman in the world...OURSELVES will result in a return to the wilderness.

It's amazing how this illness has the power to obliterate bad memories and once again we are willing to yet again try (unsuccessfully of course) defy our previous gambling history.

I like your thinking in that gambling is not a solution.Never has been and never will be.

Best Wishes

John

Day 151

Thanks everyone for dropping in with your thoughts..much appreciated as always.

I agree John..its so easy to forget..hence the daily diet of reading and writing.

Today has been a good day. I have this week off work and I am becoming more chilled out as the week passes. I have not put any pressure on myself.. no big plans.. just taking each day as it comes and enjoying the moment. No urges or thoughts of gambling. Emotions are stable. I feel at peace with myself.

Am just back from the gym.. 10.48 km's in 1 hour on the tread mill today.. that is very good going for me. Tomorrow I meet a friend i have not seen for quite a while..so that should be nice.

Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Hiya S A

Just popping in to see how your doing, all sounds well which is great, hope today has been good also.

Del xxx

Thank you for reading my diary and especially your last post. I can imagine the thoughts and feelings while gambling. They are still so fresh in my mind. And thinking about them makes me realize how much i really do not want to return to that life.

Your words carry special wisdom, because you have been back out. You have faced what we all fear and dread, but you are back getting stronger every day and sharing your strength with us.

Thank you and Congrats on the 150+ days!

Day 153

Another day dawns gambling free..no urges or thoughts to gamble.

Met with friends last night for a drink and a chat.. ended up in a nightclub.. we were all bored by midnight... so called it a day. I am getting old. lol

I seem to have used up all my thoughts on other peoples diaries today so will keep mine short. Today I feel strong in recovery.

Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Hi Starting again, having a dog is good therapy. My little dog has had so many extra walks lately, but we both enjoy them. I find my brain can 'take a walk' whilst my spaniel has hers. You have come a long way, 153 days. Quite an achievment, and all this with a very stressful work situation. Keep going. Ostrich

Day 154

On the face of it I have had a good day. No urges or thoughts of gambling.

Also I spent the morning cooking. I had invited some friends for lunch. They seem to have enjoyed the food (empty plates always a sure sign) and I enjoyed their company. Some laughter, some discussion it was cool.

Am now just back from the gym..today i did 12.54 km's in 75 minutes. My aim is to do 2 shorter runs in the week and run the equivalent of a half-marathon either on the saturday or the sunday. I think this is realistically acheivable.. and I o so love the feel good factor after a long run and a good work out. Just woosh I could cut out the binge eating afterwards. Eat slowly they say.. that way my brain has a chance to tell me that i am full. I find that I am aerobically healthy and yet i still have a bit of a belly. I intend to work on this.. I think its more a question of adjusting my diet than anything else.. he says, as he munches on cheese and biscuits.

Anyway as i say on the face of it..its been a good day.. another gambling free day passes.

However underneath it all I am feel a bit low. My sister rang me today and amongst other stuff we talked about..she said.. "Your mum and i have decided that your not ***".. dont get me wrong she was laughing when she said this (am not *** by the way).. but the point she made in jest was... little brother is always single.

When i think about what i missed out on what social outlets I did not develope because of my addiction..it does sometimes get me feeling low..bit depressed really. While so many people I know were busy with careers and relationships and settling down with a house and the proverbial 2.4 children, a dog a cat and a hamster called Bill... I was standing in an arcade somewhere feeding machines and isolating myself from life.

My addiction never fully took hold until my mid-twenties..previous to that I had something of a normal life, whatever normal is.. the occasional girlfriend, the odd holiday, enough money, no debts..dont get me wrong.. I wasnt desparately happy but then i wasnt desparately unhappy either.

I think my gambling really took off when I had a to move in a hurry into a bedsit and at the same time I took a job working with people with severe diabilities and challenging needs. Emotionally the job crippled me and yet i stuck with it..cos thats the sort of work ethic i have. But going back to a bedsit after work was hard.. no people to talk to..I had never lived on my own before.

One day instead of going home I wandered into an aracde the door was open.. i wandered in.. the rest is history... the best part of a decade of soul destroying misery.

I think the point i make here though is this..my self-esteem took such a battering..that simply going back to a sense of normalness..or my idea of a sense of normalness is proving harder than i could ever have imagined.

I want to go on a holiday but being on my own i am struggling to find the confidence to do that. Where would i go..what would i do.. and the big point... would I be able to enjoy it. i seem to associate hoildays with couples. I am tired of being alone... I am strong in recovery at the moment.. but I do have to work it. If i decdided to gamble today.. nobody would know and there would be nobody checking up on me to see if i had gambled. But then I think the one advantage of being single and giving up gambling..is that you really are doing it for yourself.. and I am.

I am determined not to go back to gambling. I will not dwell on the past becuase it is now gone. But forgive me for a moment of melancholly. I feel as if i am forever playing catch up in life. My family has no history of addiction. My sisters and my parents have all been conscientious in life and have all the trappings and general feelings of well being that go with it. Dont get me wrong am back on track.. am working hard to find stability and happiness and forward momentum in life.. but it does feel as if i am ten years behind.

It maybe that I wont have children. It maybe that i will never own my own home. I am not sure whether I want these things but sometimes I sense disappointment from my family, from my parents... where is the grand children? Why are you not in a relationship?

Whoever said life was easy?

Anyway as i say.. I try not to dwell on the above.. I just try to work my recovery..one day at a time. That is all I can do.

Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂