How do I stop?

Will filling in a blank box with text help you turn your life around? In a sense, it's possible. You're opening yourself up to others that you have a problem with gambling.

There are plenty of other ways to feel alive, mate. And that alive feeling you experience is all part of the buzz of an addiction.

Your last sentence is interesting, J. You keep using the word 'want' a lot. If you want to stop gambling, you have to 'want' to do it and you have every reason to.

Keep coming here, fill out your diary and most of all persevere. You can do this, J.

All the best

Alex

Hi Jwillquit, Many of us are fighting alongside you and you will find lots of support here. Read lots of diaries (mine might scare the s**t out of you) and post every day if possible. You said that gambling makes you feel alive? Are you sure? Or does it just allow you to escape for a while? I've been on this forum for some time now and often don't feel like I've made much progress. I've almost lost everything and I had a lot.... BUT... there are others here who have achieved great success. You can too. You have to fight it with everything you've got. Wishing you strength and courage. You are not alone.

Thanks Alex. You are correct, of course. The reason I get so much more of a buzz from gambling as apposed to other activities that also make me feel alive is that gambling is the one I am addicted to. It may not be healthy or sensible but it has one hell of a kick.

Gambling also has a longevity that other passtimes lack. Particularly if, like me, you manage to keep it a secret. It is not just the spin or the deal that sets my pulse racing. It is the plotting, the planning to cover it up. Making sure you get to the bank statements first, working out what bit of money you can find or earn. Secretly putting your life back together. I imagine it is a similar excitement that is experienced by adulterers or spies.It sounds truely nuts when you write it down but I think it is part of the reason I relapse. As soon as everything is back to normal, I let the cycle begin again.

I hope that by writing this stuff down I can breake the cycle.

Thank you Carla for the kind words. I will check out your diary over the weekend. I wish you the best of success in your recovery.

J

Very true words there, J. I forget a lot about my past experiences with gambling and the secrecy aspect is one I shouldn't have too easily have forgotten. I think I broke this by opening up to people, as you've done here, but also and it was hard.. to family and friends. That last one isn't for everyone, but it helped me a lot. If fact, soon after I told most of the people I knew, I'd pretty much conceded I had to stop gambling.. My cover was blown, using the spy metaphor and I couldn't continue gambling without feeling bad and thinking of people I was letting down. Not to mention, feeling like a bit a prat if I'd have continued knowing that gambling kinda sucks and sucks the life out of you.

The buzz gambling gave me, was exciting at first, but only later on did I even think to compare with like maybe drugs or alcohol. I remember that 'risk' buzz well and even now it makes me shudder. Mainly at how easily I became hooked afterwards. I think of them as illusions, one of many of the things that entice us to keep on playing and keep on losing.

Wish you the best, J.

-Alex

J - good luck with the recovery.

Made it through the weekend with only minimal thoughts of gambling. The fact that I have started to talk about my problem, albeit on here with strangers, is making me feel stronger.

There have been moments this week where I have almost blurted it out in my real life. Part of me can see how it would give me greater strength and help me quit but a far larger part knows that a confession will change my life in ways I am not prepared to accept.

So here is my bargain with the universe; I get one last shot on my own. If I fail, I share my diary with my family and take the consequences. I started this diary with a want to quit. Let's call this an extra incentive to keep me on the straight and narrow.

For the first time in my life, I genuinely believe I can quit. Despite sore knowledge of how hard it is to sustain abstention, I feel more positive tonight than I have for a long, long time.

Thank you all for the posts and for sharing your diaries. We can beat this together.

Jx

Time for an update. I've made it to double figures and got through ten days without placing any kind of bet. That feels good but makes me nervous. Although I still have to intercept and hide the October bank statement, things are looking decidedly normal which is a dangerous time for gambling and me.

I have sorted out the bank account all bar a couple of hundred quid. The abstaining angel on one shoulder says that is fine; it will easily be swallowed up next pay day. The addicted devil on the other tells me I'm owed a win and well, how hard can it be to win a little back? Staying strong with the help of the comments and diaries. I could never have dreamed how much joining this site and posting a diary would help.

I have a quiet, at home weekend stretched out in front of me so may be on here quite a bit. Work is busy and I do want to chill with the family but there is always the risk of boredom creeping in and many of my splurges started on a sleepy Sunday afternoon.

I wonder if trying to think of gambling in the same way as alcohol would help. For example, I would never take a shot of whisky before work, nip out at lunchtime or drink alone. All three of those I do repeatedly on a splurge but I've never consciously called it out as unacceptable behaviour.

Who knows what helps but at least I'm thinking about it. I cannot really express how determined I am this time. Stay strong folks. Jx

I don't think I have ever been so glad to be going back to work. I made it through the weekend but man it was a struggle. Sunday just about killed me. Started with a tv ad for a site I haven't used before; I turned off the tv and went for a walk. New bookies opened right next door to my favourite bakery; I found an alternative way home. Made myself a coffee and tried to read but couldn't concentrate so got out the laptop for some mindless Facebook/Twitter based escapism. I never realised just how many ads there are on those sites for casinos. I'm pretty sure I would have succumbed if I didn't have blocking software. I didn't dare pick up my iPad or phone for the rest of the day as I can't find a way to block those.

It drives me nuts that I need the help of blocks and self exclusion but I tried many times without them and I know I am weak when it comes to gambling.

Does one get stronger as the gamble free days pass? I want to be able to trust in my own strength rather than these physical barriers.

Anyway, it is a new week. Wishing strength and prosperity to all. Jx

So, another week down and I am still gamble free. I haven't bought so much as a lotto ticket in 20 days. I'd love to say it was getting easier but is is not. Every ad, every mention on gambling makes me want to join in but I know I can't do this socially so I must resist completely.

Last night I dreamt I was gambling on slots. I woke up disgusted with myself trying to work out how much I had lost. That feeling reminded me why I am here and posting. I will beat this.

Jx

Another couple of weeks cleared which takes me well over a month (and more importantly from a getting back to normal point of view two paydays) gamble free.

I hesitate to say it is getting easier because I still have some pretty serious wobbles but I am starting to see a life for me that doesn't involve gambling. I've read a few posts on here about joining gyms and clubs and channeling energy in different directions. Perhaps that will be my next tactic in the battle to quit for good.

Stsy strong folks and have a great day. Jx

Lounging half asleep attempting to recover from my gym induction. Not sure if it is the exertion or the little bit of rum in my coffee but I am feeling considerably more chilled than usual. Most of my urges come on at home evenings where I have an iPad and nothing particular to do but tonight I have hardly thought about gambling.

I've booked theatre tickets, joined a gym, bought Christmas gifts and started to plan a holiday. It reinforces all the other things I can do with cash rather than chuck it at a bookie or into slot machines. Most importantly, I don't feel ashamed.

Night all. Jx

The psychology of this addiction never ceases to surprise me. Why should days 65 and 66 suddenly be so difficult? After a good few week with hardly a thought of gambling, I find myself climbing the walls I am so desperate to have a shot. I can't think of anything that would have particularly set me off, I just cannot stop thinking about slots.

Okay, today's plan. I am taking myself off to the gym as soon as I stop writing this post and locking all tech in my desk drawer before I go. Remove the opportunity is always good advice. I'll check back in later.

Jx

Survived yesterday. Look out today, here I come! Jx

Hey J,

Very well done for keeping your defences high yesterday. You are right, urges can strike anytime and you always have to keep focused.

As time goes by, we learn how to deal with urges as soon as they appear...and by the looks of it you did just that..went to the gym, occupied yourself with other more healthy and enjoyable stuff.

You should be proud!!

Every day is different and as long as we ride out the crappy ones, we come out stronger and confident for the good ones 🙂

Well done and keep it up!!

Day at a time

Sandra x