"How have I become this person?"

I started going to the casino with a friend. She has been staying this week, and on Friday she had had a bad work day, she said, 'it's one of those nights where if you were still gambling, I would have liked to go'. She can walk away...sets herself a limit...then leaves (it was always me that encouraged her to stay). I don't want to spoil her enjoyment. I said I could drop her off, or I would go but not gamble. We went, sat at a couple of machines, I refused to touch the machine or money. I only had £5 in my purse. I requested that she not put the machine on auto play, as I knew that would hook me, the speed of the reels and the pings. I had told my friend that she must not lend me money, she deliberately played slowly and we actually talked about other things whilst we were there. When she went out for a smoke, I went and sat on a sofa away from the machine, so I wasn't tempted to press the play button. Did I enjoy the evening? Yes, we had a meal and I supported my friend through what was a very tough evening for her. At times at GA meetings and on here, I think I shouldn't be here. Gambling has not got me into debt. On Friday I experienced the anticipation of gambling, I was aware that I wanted to gamble, I was aware that I would happily stay there all night, give me £500 and I would feed it into that machine just for the fun/buzz of playing. Driving home we talked about my feelings, the experience reinforced to me the need for me to attend GA. She risked £30, cashed out £30.01. Had it been me I would have played the £30 cos I would have reasoned that I had been prepared to lose it so why not play it? I used the same reasoning to gamble £600. I am a compulsive gambler, I cannot play, because I cannot stop. I cannot gamble because I lose all sense of the value of money. I cannot gamble because it makes me a liar, it is an escape from dealing with my feelings and distances me from the people I love. I cannot gamble because it prevents me being the best me I can be. I saw my counsellor on Friday, she said she felt I had come a long way, that I had made decisions to make changes, and acted on them. She is right, but this is still a work in progress.

Wow powerful story and massive well done on not gambling you should be really proud of yourself that is a really hard thing to do . Looks like you have a great insight into all the triggers and why we do things and why we can't do them again . I can relate to a lot so thanks for sharing

Hi,

Glad to hear you're gf, but am not entirely convinced by your friend's brand of friendship to you. Don't good friends normally have your back? It sounds as if the time was all about her but what about your best interests? Why is she suggesting the casino to you and why is there any sort of a link between her having had a bad day and her wish to gamble? You were there for her but is she there for you?

I once heard someone say at an open meeting that he avoided wet places because he wished to stay dry. You're doing really well, it would be a shame to tempt yourself unnecessarily.

Look after yourself, be as selfish as you need in recovery.

CW

No idea why w e t is censored.

Hi Rhoda,

Just wanted to check in and say hey to you. I have caught up on your diary, and didn't realised that others felt the same about last Sunday's chat. I was unsure of what happened last week, I sensed an atmosphere (I know that seems mad when it is a chat room), but I did, and I hate atmosphere's. The one thing I won't do, is be told by anyone what to say and when to say it. I hope I didn't add to the uncomfortable feeling for you. It just didn't sit well with me and I had no problem in saying that. Things seem different now, calmer maybe.

I have to agree with CW on the casino thing. Your friendship is completely your business, I have two very good friends who both manage bookie shops, so I don't have room to talk. However, I am maintaing both friendships away from their work. I just wonder could your mate not have chosen a more appropriate place to have her 'after work stress release'. I take my hat off to you for sitting there and not gambling.

I hope the week is good to you. Keep smiling.

Julie x

Thank you for your comments...I understood her need CW and yes maybe it was about her, but sometimes in relationships that is how it is. No you won't understand the link between a bad day (and that was understatement, it was more than just a bad day)and enjoying playing a machine, but many do...mindless enjoyment. Slot machines are not evil, my addiction is the problem. It is me who has to change. Had I said I cannot deal with this, we wouldn't have gone? It was my choice; it was my test to myself. Addiction had been making me doubt I really had a problem. On Friday I felt it, I sat with it, and I said NO. It reinforced that I do not want to go backwards. I do not want to gamble, and I am not going to.

Morning,

No suggestion that it's anything other than your business whether to go to a casino but it's inviting trouble for you.

re the link between having a bad time and escape (via slot machines in this case), isn't using all about escape from something? And it's pretty well documented that addiction is progressive.

Stay safe.

CW

Well done on 60 days (2 months) ! Massive achievement. Keep going and I reckon you can get to 100 . All the best

Signed into chat and got the times wrong...again. Will I learn? Emotions seem to be swinging like a pendulum..goodness knows why. wishing everyone a peaceful Easter, I'm working tomorrow, but hopefully will sign into chat at the right time tomorrow evening and catch some friendly faces.

Chose to gamble last night...no great monetary loss...but new clarity. I am now ready to self exclude from casinos....I don't need it anymore. I was getting near my 90 days with GA, but felt a fraud, as I knew there was part of me that still wanted to be able to choose. I don't want an option now. Exclusion will make it easier, for the times I may still feel tempted. Don't know why but feel I have found some peace today

Hi Rhoda,

Sorry to hear the above but glad to see you are still here and posting.

As you say perhaps the time wasnt right but your new found peace suggests a change.

Best wishes

Bal x

I think feeling a fraud can be fairly common for addiction. Possibly fraud stems comes from a elemant of denial ? A random thought there for you. And here's another one, the peace maybe misguided, its just that this this time that you never beat your self up and didnt do any monetary damage. Keep asking the questions that arrives in your grey matter.......

Hi Rhoda good call on getting the exclusion in place. It's the sense scheme I believe for casinos? I might be right in thinking your refusal before was refusing to let go of the comfort blanket?

Good to see you're still posting and still trying to beat it.

Have a great weekend

Deano x

Yes it was Deano. Will was keeping me away from the casino...and yes I know I could have carried on, got my 90 days and the 100, but I hadn't let go....I didn't exclude cos I needed the option of going. This week has been a strange one. Went to GA on Tuesday night, and felt withdrawn. Got totally stressed out on Wednesday at work, so upset about what is going on with my dad, ended up crying in a corner. Thursday resisted the urge, then went with it, controlled to begin with, only a few pounds down, but then started to want to chase, but had only one note with me and no cards. I did not like the feeling. I am a compulsive gambler; yes I can run away from things I don't want to feel and face, but there I become someone I despise. I am away on holiday now in a cottage away from anywhere, at the moment with a friend, but my family arrive on Monday. This is my treat to them, paid for with money I haven't spent on gambling. I have contacted a friend from GA, and as soon as I get back we are going to go to casinos in town to sort exclusion.

I accept that total abstention is the only way forward; for me, leaving the door open has been causing stress that I do not need in my life. It's a lesson that I have had to learn for myself though; it's ok others saying it, and GA saying it, but I needed to believe it and own it. Others at GA have been saying how much better they felt, how they weren't having the urges, but I have been fighting ...that's why I felt a fraud, because yes the days were mounting up, but my attitude had not changed, I was still leaving the door open to gambling because I did not want to accept it was over. Yeh some will think me a failure cos I have chosen to gamble twice now....but in October/November I would spend 12 hours in a casino, I would lose hundreds at a time, I would sit there a lost soul. I've gambled twice since start of December, lost £30. I have joined a women's group and go to pub quiz and meal once a month, joined a reading group and meet once a month, attend GA weekly. I have asked others for help, and offered them support. I am moving forward...ok may be slowly...but this is my journey at my pace. I make no apologies for who I am.

So my name is Helen, I am a compulsive gambler, my last bet was 5 May 2017 (early hours :-))

Hey Helen, I dont think you're a failure, far from it in fact! It's not about money lost or won, it's way deeper than that & you have figured that out & accepted it which is a huge part of the journey! You dont need to justify your actions to anyone but yourself & hopefully closing that door will give you some well deserved peace.

Have a lovely holiday, I hope the sun puts his hat on for you.

My name is Kelly, I am a compulsive gambler, my last bet was 21 December 2016