"How have I become this person?"

I'd just posted a long ramble on my Diary and yours appeared at the same time 🙂

Thank you Rhoda, I'm getting there.... and I'm NOT gambling.

M x

Hiya Diary, last couple of days I have been wondering whether being on this site actually makes me think more about gambling than I would do if I wasn't on here. I've done 42 days, coped with urges, not got debts, mainly gambled out of income, yeh I'm ok. Read an analogy in a book this morning about compulsive gambling being like walking down a pavement and falling into a hole, and then following day doing same thing again; then learning to use pavement on other side of street...and hopefully eventually learning to take a different route altogether. I think I have been using the pavement on the other side; I think thoughts of not using Gamcare so much, were probably me thinking of crossing the road again, and falling into that ruddy hole. Also read that though people refer to 'slips' when having a lapse, they are not slips, but a process of complex thoughts that lead us back to that first gamble. Well Mr G you are not getting my money today...I am not falling into the hole x

Hi Rhoda. I know that analogy. I think it's from a poem called "Autobiography In Five Short Chapters" by Portia Nelson. I've written about it on my diary in the past. When I first read it I found it amazingly powerful. It completely summed up what gambling was to me. And for such a long time I just kept falling back down the hole! I think I'm now finally walking down another street. And I think you will too. It seems like you're doing what's needed.

I also understand what you say about "slips".Being aware of our thinking process takes practice but makes all the difference. Virtually all of my I relapses started way before I deposited the money.I also think it's really important to call them what they are. Gambling. "Slips" feels like a way to minimise it. I used to call it "chinging". I hated the word gambling and "have a little ching" sounded so much less than what it really was. Less harmful, more innocent, not so bad. And I stopped calling it Mr G (not that you should!) but I knew this was another thing that was making it less. It was easier than calling it addiction.It was also a way of separating it from myself. I was making it a separate entity, something outside of me.But then I realised that it wasn't. It wasn't something outside of me...it was a part of me. It was my thinking. It was on the inside, not on the outside. And that understanding freed me up to realise that I had the power to change it.

Sorry for the waffle! Keep on keeping on.

LB x

I'm reading loads to Rhoda and so much really makes sense! You are doing so well, I see you popping up all over the forums giving support to many others (including myself)...I've wondered myself whether coming to this site is making me think more about gambling and the answer is Yes, but in a good way... reading other people's stories reminds me over and over again how destructive & deadly gambling addiction can be... I don't want to forget, that will allow complacency to sneak in.

We can cross that road and choose a different route.... choose life!

M x

Hiya Diary. The last two days I have woken up and felt content, not dreading the day ahead. Gambling on the slots made me sleep deprived; I could quite literally spend the whole night in the casino, drinking tea and diet coke. Not eating, not wanting to leave my seat to go to the loo, only moving to go to the cash machine. I would drive home in the early hours, broke, but my brain wired. I would be thinking "this is stupid, I need to stop", but a week or two later....or even less....I would be back on that seat. I am a compulsive gambler, for me there is no point in going to the casino with less than £60, because the machines rarely pay a bonus before that...got to be prepared to risk at least a couple of hundred. How warped is my brain? I cannot put £20 in a machine, or I will be back in the grip of gambling, even though so much of me would love to go and disappear into that gambling haze. But I think that need is decreasing, because I am learning to cope with life in a better way. Gambling gave me energy; the other evening I was feeling the need to go to the casino, dog weary, instead I came home, closed the blinds, lit a couple of candles and put a film on the TV. I saw half the film, and slept through the rest. What I really needed was to rest my brain. I have started reading again; I have opened and am in the process of filing a load of post that has been mounting up in the porch; I am refusing to work my lunch hour at work, and popping home to spend 30 minutes with my dogs, and just taking time to feel relaxed. I am so happy to have been GF for the past 6 weeks....I don't feel that self-disgust. I am me, and at this moment in time I think and feel I am a pretty good person :-).

Rhoda wrote:

Hiya Diary. The last two days I have woken up and felt content, not dreading the day ahead. Gambling on the slots made me sleep deprived; I could quite literally spend the whole night in the casino, drinking tea and diet coke. Not eating, not wanting to leave my seat to go to the loo, only moving to go to the cash machine. I would drive home in the early hours, broke, but my brain wired. I would be thinking "this is stupid, I need to stop", but a week or two later....or even less....I would be back on that seat. I am a compulsive gambler, for me there is no point in going to the casino with less than £60, because the machines rarely pay a bonus before that...got to be prepared to risk at least a couple of hundred. How warped is my brain? I cannot put £20 in a machine, or I will be back in the grip of gambling, even though so much of me would love to go and disappear into that gambling haze. But I think that need is decreasing, because I am learning to cope with life in a better way. Gambling gave me energy; the other evening I was feeling the need to go to the casino, dog weary, instead I came home, closed the blinds, lit a couple of candles and put a film on the TV. I saw half the film, and slept through the rest. What I really needed was to rest my brain. I have started reading again; I have opened and am in the process of filing a load of post that has been mounting up in the porch; I am refusing to work my lunch hour at work, and popping home to spend 30 minutes with my dogs, and just taking time to feel relaxed. I am so happy to have been GF for the past 6 weeks....I don't feel that self-disgust. I am me, and at this moment in time I think and feel I am a pretty good person :-).

Nice share Rhoda. Good seeing you in chat and look forward to seeing you again. tri

Rhoda wrote:

Hiya Diary. The last two days I have woken up and felt content, not dreading the day ahead. Gambling on the slots made me sleep deprived; I could quite literally spend the whole night in the casino, drinking tea and diet coke. Not eating, not wanting to leave my seat to go to the loo, only moving to go to the cash machine. I would drive home in the early hours, broke, but my brain wired. I would be thinking "this is stupid, I need to stop", but a week or two later....or even less....I would be back on that seat. I am a compulsive gambler, for me there is no point in going to the casino with less than £60, because the machines rarely pay a bonus before that...got to be prepared to risk at least a couple of hundred. How warped is my brain? I cannot put £20 in a machine, or I will be back in the grip of gambling, even though so much of me would love to go and disappear into that gambling haze. But I think that need is decreasing, because I am learning to cope with life in a better way. Gambling gave me energy; the other evening I was feeling the need to go to the casino, dog weary, instead I came home, closed the blinds, lit a couple of candles and put a film on the TV. I saw half the film, and slept through the rest. What I really needed was to rest my brain. I have started reading again; I have opened and am in the process of filing a load of post that has been mounting up in the porch; I am refusing to work my lunch hour at work, and popping home to spend 30 minutes with my dogs, and just taking time to feel relaxed. I am so happy to have been GF for the past 6 weeks....I don't feel that self-disgust. I am me, and at this moment in time I think and feel I am a pretty good person :-).

Such an uplifting post Rhoda and I can so relate to everything you said except with me it's online slots... and Cats not dogs 🙂

Onwards & forward we go...Just for today!

Thank you

M x

Rhoda everything you have put on my posts and chat has helped me everything! So your going from some one that not only is doing it her self. But also helping some one else stay away. If that doesn't deserve a pat on back I don't know what does, thank you

Hi Rhoda, just wanted to pop by and say thank you for your post, sorry it's a bit delayed but nethertheless it is apppreciated.

Hope all is well with you.

Morning Rhoda, I just want to say thank you and sorry.

Thank you for the posts, they were really appreciated, I am really sorry I misunderstood everything, I was not aware of anything happening hence I assumed what I did, thank you for taking the time to explain things, I hope there's no hard feelings.

Once again, sorry and thank you.

50 Days Rhoda!!

Doing great, I'm just behind you 🙂

M x

Aww thank you M....got first bank statement today, showing no casino cash withdrawals 🙂 Choosing Life x

WTG on your 1st 50 Rho 🙂

Those non gambling statements are the way life is now, be very proud of them 🙂

Congratulations on hitting the big 50 days GF Rhoda- it can be done! Next step 100 - one day at a time.

You are doing amazingly. Keep it going 🙂

Rhoda... thank you for popping into my diary, your continued support really is appreciated.

Naughty me indeed treated myself today 🙂

Bought some amazing melts for my candle burners & my home smells delicious! Only a small purchase but made me happy!

Stay safe & well

Mari x