"How have I become this person?"

Hi rhoda
Thanks for the post on my diary
I identify greatly with your post's over the last few day's. As I've written them almost Word for word some 6 month's back.

If I can I'll pass on my life lesson to you. And hopefully you won't make the mistakes I did!!

The occasional gamble
That bad boy stuck with me for a few month's.
Everyone on this site either do or once did dream of being the occasional punter again.
You've probably heard the saying of crossing the line of no return?
That was a bitter pill to swallow
Fortunately for me now I realise it's all or nothing. I either give it all up. Or I just carry on into oblivion.

I've read your post's you like me didn't gamble for financial gain so what's the point?

The point is we gamble when we're bored to escape the mundane. That's why it's important to discover yourself when you stop. Pick up hobbies or rediscover old one's.
That is when you realise actually I can have fun without having to gamble.

Hence my post on Sunday go discover yourself

True happiness won't be found smashing a button. Unless it was the button to the trap door Donald trump was standing on.

Rhoda you can do this you just don't know it yet

Have a great day
X

Great Post Deano and so very true.

The point is we gamble when we're bored to escape the mundane.

Malc

How are you feeling today? I often read your diary and see similarities between us. No two compulsive gamblers are the same, but I feel like I've been where you are. And if it's any comfort, I feel that I've now come out the other side. I didn't gamble for the money. My husband earns a very good salary...we are very comfortable...within reason, I can have whatever I want. Maybe if I'd had huge debts, payday loans and unpaid bills I would have stopped sooner. I don't know. What I do know is that it absolutely wasn't about the money. For me, at the heart of it, was loss and loneliness. It took me a long while to work out what was driving it, but once I did and tied together all the other loose ends it's been much easier not to look back. You'll have your own reasons. They might not be apparant, but keep going and they'll slowly surface.

It's great that you're owning it. Great that you can see it as a decision you made way in advance of the actual gambling.Because that's the truth of it. We don't just suddenly "slip" our way into a casino/open a new account/park our @r*e in front of a FOBT. It has to be thought through beforehand. Money is needed, opportunity is needed...those things don't just "happen". Acknowledging those things will really help you piece together your thought process. This isn't the end Rhoda. If you really learn from this then it's a great opportunity for you to build a stronger recovery.

You may not be at the never wanting to do it again stage just yet. I wasn't for a long time.I thought I was...I would have sworn I was...but when I really looked at it I was afraid to let it go. I stopped because I knew I shouldn't be doing it. Then I stopped because I couldn't be doing it. It took a few go arounds before I really got it, but slowly the feeling of not gambling has become so much better than the feeling of gambling. I really don't want to do it anymore. Like you, I couldn't imagine never gambling again. What would I do for a night out or to alleviate boredom? The whole day at a time thing used to upset me because by it's very nature it implied (to my mind) that it was too big a thing to contemplate for ever.I didn't want to let it go. I didn't want it to be gone forever. But now I do, and that will change for you too as you keep understanding yourself, your triggers, your underlying emotions.

It may not feel like it right now, but it is possible to change. You don't have to keep falling down the hole.

LB x

"What matters to you. Not what you think they should be or what others would approve of. But what is at your true self. If it is a desire to gamble then so be it, knock yourself out, no ones stopping you. But I think you maybe have more to offer than just that. If you have lost or never even found what means something to you, then go bloody find it. There is nothing to fear in looking, perhaps you will find it somewhere you have never wanted to look before. x"

Found this on LBs diary, written by Dan, and it spoke to me. Echoed a discussion I had with counsellor this morning. My greatest desire in life was to have a happy family....I think I have given my children a happy stable home, and they are definitely men to be proud of, but I have failed at relationships. I have worked and supported my kids, as a teacher and a nurse, but I have had no great aspirations to progress. I love camping, and holidaying in Britain, I don't have any great aspirations to travel. Why do I feel I SHOULD have had a happy marriage, reached for the stars in my careers, travel the world....and because I haven't done those things, I feel there is something wrong with me, that I have failed. But maybe they are not the things I should be doing at this time, maybe they are not where I will discover myself at this moment.

Lethe, I had become complacent with the money....I had cash in my purse because I was away. When I am home, I do limit what is available. The urges when I am at home had become manageable. I need to take my iPad if I'm going away...so I can keep logging into here.

I have not gambled today x

Rhoda your mint.

You had a set back.. you could have said nothing and still been my hero.

But instead you've come on and put it up and it shows how strong you are.

True story ...

I once went to amusements at coast with my child. And played the fruitys for tokens (like raffle tickets) 10p a spin....... I did 300 quid in nearly to get a toy I could have bought for 25 quid... not cause we wanted the toy but because the bloody machine had reels !

Hi Rhoda, sorry you're feeling a bit low tonight. We're all here, to listen and support you OK 🙂

Blown and Mixer, thank you. Don't know why I suddenly felt overwhelmed, but I did. I have sought solace in the casino for a while now, it's one of those nights when I would have gone, and everything would have been ok...except my bank balance, and the self disgust I would feel the following day. Just wondering how explorers 'discovered' places....what made them go and look in the first place? Did they know what they were looking for, or did they just embark on a journey prepared for new encounters, willing to engage with the bad as well as the good? Were they fearful, excited? Were they all youthful, or some long in the tooth? What were they prepared to sacrifice to discover the unknown? Did they regret setting out? Think I have a book on my kindle about Shackleton....maybe I am meant to read it. I don't know why I went on that ramble...other than Deanos comment about 'discover yourself'.

Until you cross the bridge of your insecurities. You can't begin to explore your possibilities
Tim fargo

You ramble on as much as you like....It's good that you're 'thinking' .... gambling turns us into unthinking, numb zombies with no thoughts at all but the next spin... we are so much more than that Rhoda... Life is so much more than that.

Take care & go discover yourself 🙂

Mari x

Thanks for your Support Rhoda, keep going and stay strong. The adventure of discovering ourselves, and what we are capable of is worth it! Each adventure requires people along the way as well, and thats what we are here for. Don't mind the slips, they will happen to everyone. Just keep moving forward and try to learn from them, so they are not easily repeated.

Hey there slots were my problem too I think it's an adrenaline thing your senses are just tuned into the screen in front of you my heart beats so hard (and then worse when I've lost and doing the walk of shame)I found you have to keep your mind distracted do something else you would of done I go to the gym I pump my heart in a different way and I still get the adrenaline rush (and @ £26 a month it's a lot cheaper lol)and byway stay strong good luck dizzy xxx

Rhoda wrote:

Blown and Mixer, thank you. Don't know why I suddenly felt overwhelmed, but I did. I have sought solace in the casino for a while now, it's one of those nights when I would have gone, and everything would have been ok...except my bank balance, and the self disgust I would feel the following day. Just wondering how explorers 'discovered' places....what made them go and look in the first place? Did they know what they were looking for, or did they just embark on a journey prepared for new encounters, willing to engage with the bad as well as the good? Were they fearful, excited? Were they all youthful, or some long in the tooth? What were they prepared to sacrifice to discover the unknown? Did they regret setting out? Think I have a book on my kindle about Shackleton....maybe I am meant to read it. I don't know why I went on that ramble...other than Deanos comment about 'discover yourself'.

Rhoda,

There are known knowns, these are things we know that we know.

There are known unknowns, these are things that we know we don't know.

But there are also unknown unknowns, these are the things we don't know we don't know.

Most people never travel far if they are afraid of the unknown, whereas adventurers travel for the unknown.

What adventurers go looking for are things yet not on the radar.

I think adventurers come in all ages, young and old, and yes they have to encounter highs and lows along the way, but the prize of feeling and experiencing something new makes it all worth while.

Here's a little suggestion - Set a route and date and get yourself off to Goa in India (assuming you have never been) and save, save, save.

You will feel and experience real life there and it will keep your heart pumping forever after 🙂

Sbb

Thanks SBB ....will look at a map. More positive this morning x

Chin up chick!! Look at that map and go exploring!! find something new and exciting to explore and forget those casinos...see it as the start of your journey...a place never to be revisited x

Hi Rhoda,

Very interesting reading your post about discovery; and the book by Shackleton. I just get the feeling you're ready for a longer swim in that deep blue GF swimming pool, rather than the perceived safety of that shallow, ultimately dull, green, gambling one.

You've had a swim around the GF pool, and, just for a moment, returned to that other pool - the gambling one, which I think, you're eyeing a bit more cautiously. It's familiar, but... well, it's deceptive, and frankly too shallow for the life you want to lead. It's warm, but that's probably wee! Yuk!

So for 7 days now you've dived back into the cool, refreshing, GF pool. And ready to discover a bit more...

I think you're ready for a long swim in the GF pool this time Rhoda!