Rhoda: Following tonight's chat i was racking my brains as I had read an article on what you were describing.
I found it !
Not sure if it will make sense or be of anyhelp - but always worth a try 🙂
Sbb x
Hi Diary, this morning I was feeling despondent about your name 'How have I become this person?', but then realised that if I changed the intonation, it could be a really positive title....if this person is someone I am proud of. Tonight I took the bull by the horns, and went to a GA meeting; I was really nervous about going, but felt compelled to do so, I just felt I would regret it if I didn't. I do not regret going. As I was leaving the house, a thought passed through my mind of going to the casino (it is not far from the GA meeting)... I took my cheque card out my purse, and made sure I only had my £20 emergency cash. I chose to do right and for that I am grateful. Today I chose not to gamble x.
Well done Rhoda! You chose not to go to the Casino....You chose not to gamble 🙂
You took a massive step going to GA ...You have my respect, it's the one big step I haven't been able to push myself into yet 🙁
Proud of you!!!!
Mari xx
Well done,
A big mental leap of faith.
Stay strong, these niggles to gamble and desires to be mindless as just the addiction trying to pull you back in.
If you really want to leave all this behind you can - You still have your destiny in your own hands.
Proud of you for fighting back.
Sbb x
Way to go Rho...So very proud of you!
Hope you've had a lovely night out with the girls.
You saved me today Rhoda.... your timing was impeccable....I can't express how grateful I am for that.
Mari x
Thank you for posting it cheered me up its funny like you saw how we can take the simple things in life and it pleases us but when we gamble nothing pleases us no feature is big enough we can't cash out cos we might win more I'm actually loving the "Newbold me if that makes sense.no more rushing around for 30 minutes before kids or hubby gets home trying to make it look like I'd done something, they would ask why they didn't have any clean socks and pants,why I hadn't made any tea.it made me feel like s**m very sad really all so I could have 5 minutes more of spins,this has been going on if truth be known for years it first started when my first daughter was young I remember her toddling around happily as Larry eatting crisps and anything else that involved opening a packet I'd be annoyed if she needed juice as I'd have to get up away from the computer screen id sit her infront of the tv,how seriously tragic is that to be fair she was happy well looked after and clothed but really she would of loved me to read a story or do some colouring it makes me feel sick that I chose gambling over the fun stuff I should of been doing, fast forward to now I have another daughter things were different with her I'd abstained for gambling for many years I was happy but slowly as she got to pre school age old habits started creeping back quickly nipping into bookies online stuff and worse as she hit school,longer sessions sometimes staying in pj's all day not opening the curtains.i knew I had to change like an alcoholic I knew it would ruin my life and eventually the secret was out after I became withdraw sad depressed the relief was massive, I finally realised this is my default mode what I go back to when things are rubbish ,life is hard I have lost many people to cancer what they would give to be here and I am messing around with cartoons on a screen playing Russian roulette with my life.i hate even writing this as it gives me a yukky feeling but I need to to understand why I do this and not to return to it,the truth is like an alcoholic I want to gamble every day.....there I've said it the elephant in the room and the truth but I want to be that great mum,a wife my husband is proud of who looks great and is domesticated I choose life and family so I cannot let this win I cannot..........now where are those finger paints haha
Hey Rhoda, I hope you're ok. You mentioned that you were finding it difficult to get an equilibrium tonight. Happy to chat about it here if you'd like, around for a little while 🙂 take care
Me too, I'll be online or off for a while yet.
Have you tried distracting yourself? Maybe a film or a book, candles & a nice long soak? The unbalance is very unsettling but it will pass, you're just feeling it more now that you're not zoning out.
Thanks Mix and odaat...im ok....not so much equilibrium tonight, but life in general x
Well done Rhoda keep going! I love going to GA it's really helped me enjoy my recovery and I hope it helps you too.
Dan
Well done Rhoda keep going! I love going to GA it's really helped me enjoy my recovery and I hope it helps you too.
Dan
"My rather laboured point is that addiction is a tool designed to keep us in denial, it allows us to avoid the things we dont like about ourselves & the life situation we find ourselves in. It allows us to fail or not even try to fix those things which we find uncomfortable to deal with.
Your question should not be why am i addicted but what am i scared of, what am i avoiding? What is it about my life that im not satisfied with. Why am i bored, angry, lonely, feeling helpless, unable to feel satisfaction with what i have.
It is very difficult to escape the lure of addiction without finding a self awareness of yourself.
Without finding new ways to tackle your stress & anxiety & depressions, addiction can seem like the only option open to you."
Found this in DayataTimes diary, and it spoke volumes....now I need to start answering the questions. Thank you Dan x
Rhonda, I agree that Dayatatime's post hits the mail on the head. Sometimes we know what we're running away from... and sometimes we don't know. If we do, then we need to come to terms with it - to get closure. If we don't, or even if we do, then there are ways to help fully eke out and rationalise whatever it is; this might be GA, counselling, or other support. Dealing with the underlying cause can sometimes permanently fix our condition, or at the very least manage it, with an extra dose of discipline and determination from ourselves, day by day.
Morning Diary, went to GA last night again, and found myself blubbing! My mind is still arguing with itself; came out the supermarket and thought, "I don't need to go to GA, don't need Gamcare, what am I doing?" Closely followed by " I could then go to casino whenever I want and not feel guilty about it". ADDICTION, I recognise you now, clear off. Just read on another diary " you are enough". That is going to be my thought for the day.
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