"How have I become this person?"

Well done Rhoda, I am so proud of you! I so wish I could find the courage to go to a GA meeting but walking into a meeting totally alone & 'revealing myself' terrifies me.....I'll have to settle for abstinence right now.

Oxtail soup? My goodness the last time I had oxtail soup was as a small child, my Mother always had a lot of homemade soup on the go especially in the winter....Good memories 🙂

I feel for you, I really do.... Alzheimer's is a terrible disease, I worked as a Dementia/Alzheimer's Nursing Carer and it is so heartbreaking for families watching their loved ones slowly disappear into a fog of confusion.

Take care my friend & have a lovely weekend!

Onwards & forwards we go.....

Mari xx

Hey Rhoda, just want to say well done for choosing to go to GA last night, I'm proud of you for ignoring the gambling thought and choosing to fight it, not always the easiest decision to make x

Eveining Rhoda

I think your doing amazingly and no matter what your addiction says your find a way to fight it. That is admirable. Besides I need you silly and jl to keep quitting cause I won't have any one to let down if you lot give up giving up !

In my head that last sentence made a lot of sence it may not when written!

Hi Rhonda

Thanks for the comment on my diary! Sounds like ur still on the mad start of this rollercoaster! I promise if u keep on going u will love the ride! Good to hear ur doing therapy and trying ga! Choose what suits u i did both for a while!! So u mentioned thinking abouy paying for therapy!!! Its a brilliant investment! Like i mentioned ppl pay 40 quid a month for a gym to feel good why not pay a therapist!! Also if it stops u blowing it on the slots see it as an investment financially and mentally!!! Keep up the great job staying off the bet!

Hey Rhoda, I'm getting there, lots of up and down days but the down days are getting few and far between...but always ready with blocks in place "just in case".

Now, the answers to your questions....Tri's ice cream recipe is vanilla ice cream with a big spoonful of peanut butter and lashings of nutella moulded in...it is yummy!

And the blanket I made for the wedding present was Heart of Friendship by Helen Shrimpton (no links as I'm on my phone and struggle with links on that lol) but if you google it it should come up, that pattern is a paid pattern but she also did Mandala Madness and Whispers from the past which were both released as CALs last year and are available on her website crystalsandcrochet.com both free, I have done Mandala Madness and enjoyed pretty much all of it but haven't done the other one so can't say how good it is. Hope this helps x

Wow the Heart of Friendship is beautiful...got me thinking x

Ideas needed please. Been to GA meeting tonight which was good. A problem when I got home, which has got me really anxious, feel like a knot in my stomach...I don't know how to deal with this anxiety. In the past I could have gone to the casino for the night, cos I am off work tomorrow. I don't want to eat stupidly. I need to find a more positive way of dealing with this but I don't know how.

Start a book! Writing is therapeutic & time will fly.

Do some research...Think of something that baffles you & try & figure out why.

Find a meditation App & do some of the breathing techniques...It may sound mad but it will be good for your mind & should slow down the racing heart!

Has the anxiety passed yet? I've had that feeling so many times. I've wasted hundreds of hours and thousands of pounds avoiding it with slots. I've tried to force it away with chocolate and Sauvignon blanc. I've read about and tried so many things. The best advice I was ever given (thanks Louis) and the thing that works...sit with it. Don't try to avoid it or change it. I know that sounds counter intuitive (our natural instinct is to avoid uncomfortable feelings), but really sit with it. Know that it's ok. You won't get overwhelmed...the feeling will pass. It's uncomfortable for sure, but it will go. Just notice it, acknowledge it, takes some deep breaths and know it won't last. It can't. And later, when it's gone and you're able to think clearly you might chose to look at what caused it and if you can do anything to change that. But if not it's ok. Start to accept that emotions rise and fall. I was/am a very emotional gambler (eater/drinker). One of the keys for me has been realising that trying to avoid or stop difficult emotions is futile. Life's not one big skip through the daisy fields. Recognising the feelings...feeling them and not avoiding them or stuffing them back down...is progress.

You're doing well. You really are. KOKO. LB x

Thank you ladies for the advice...I actually ended up typing madly on netline...person on the other end didn't know what advice to give, I didn't need advice, just a vent. Anxiety passed. Been reading Louis' diary and going to look further into techniques. Came clean to my sons this weekend. Why? I have nothing to be ashamed of. They do worry about me, they all live and work at a distance; I actually feel that I am moving in the right direction, and I wanted them to know that. One day at a time.

Good job Rhoda. Keep the chin up. You CAN do it!

Rhoda wrote:

Ideas needed please. Been to GA meeting tonight which was good. A problem when I got home, which has got me really anxious, feel like a knot in my stomach...I don't know how to deal with this anxiety. In the past I could have gone to the casino for the night, cos I am off work tomorrow. I don't want to eat stupidly. I need to find a more positive way of dealing with this but I don't know how.

Well done on getting back to the meeting. Give GA and the 12 step program time to help.

I feel powerless in a situation, feel rejected therefore sod it, I will go to the casino, cut off and waste hundreds. I know what I am doing, I think I actually want to lose, lots and lots. I don't want to be sensible. Feeding in note after note is somehow saying 'f..k you'. Reach the limits on the debit cards, then I can go home....back to being me, capable, independent, sensible, responsible. I haven't gambled, for some reason this was in my head this morning when I woke, just thought I would write it down. If anyone with more wisdom than me can enlighten what the heck I am thinking...please feel free.

Half an hour later, was followed by thoughts (not actions) of eating recklessly. Chocolate,bread, meat...anything....people refer to comfort eating, but it is not that...makes me despise myself. You know, I am not even certain what the definition of "despise" is. So total abandonment of responsibility and control, triggers something in me, that then helps me deal with me. Hmmmm, need to think about this one.

Rhoda,

I can relate with that post about being reckless and then returning to being almost the "perfect" person. I've always been quite good, successful at school, the "one in the family who's going to do well", etc. When my parents divorced I basically looked after my Mum and gave her money when she desperately needed it. I've always sort of fit into that role as the one nobody has to worry about as I've got it all sorted. Sometimes gambling feels a little bit like I'm stepping back from these pressures and doing something a bit dangerous without anyone knowing. But it's got to the point where enough is enough - I need to stop because it's destroying my life.

I'm not sure if this is just me but that's what I have figured out anyway.