"How have I become this person?"

Many people, myself included, have had those thoughts. I can't tell you why you have them, but I can tell you that it's a great sign that you recognise them. Even better that you haven't acted on them. And yes, there's little comfort in the food (or the gambling)...more a type of self harm. You're doing great. Keep noticing, keep thinking, keep up with the counselling and slowly it will all fall into place.

A long while ago Day@atime Dan suggested that I watch the Brene Brown ted talk on vulnerability. Connection and vulnerability are so important in recovery....you might find it interesting too.

LB x

Hello you,

Just thought I would stop by and say hey. I am a bored eater...when I am bored I eat and eat. I have really nipped this in the bud, but have been doing it most of my life. I am a size 14, but for my height, I should be like a size 10. Once I get this GF stuff sorted, I will turn my attention to my weight. I hope you chilling out and relaxing. I am off to work in a bit, just evening clinic and I can walk down, so it is all good. Maybe see you in chat later.

Julie x

Thanks Adam and LB. I had no intention of gambling or eating...more just a realisation of what I was doing. I have found the talk LB and will watch it later, thank you.

Hi rhoda

I read your post this morning and I can say I can definitely relate to wanting to hit self destruct.

Although I don't feel that way anymore.when I was gambling I'm almost sure I wanted to lose more than anything, just so I could go back to what I deemed being normal.

There's also a relation between binge eating and stopping any addiction, along the lines of sugars in food can spike your dopamine level. The same drug we crave when we stop gambling.

Good to see you spotting the signs and not acting on them also

Hang in there and keep working it. It does get better

Deano

Good morning diary, and it is a good morning. Just done a post on fb, of happy moments over the past three months, I am so blessed with the people in my life....yeh, they may not live in the doorstep, but they are there. Part of my problem has been me isolating myself, so this weekend I went to stay with my son and his gf in Manchester....I so enjoyed it. This morning I have made beetroot and sweet potato soup, and will take some over to dads for lunch....might not sound impressive to anyone else....but I am getting pleasure from cooking, had started to think myself useless at it, but I am not. Tonight it is GA meeting, and I want to be there. Trying to get off the sugar binge...thanks for the info Deano...my kitchen looks like a fruit and veg shop. Living one day at a time.

Good morning again,I couldn't believe how quickly my mood changed yesterday. Dad was in an awful mood, angry about everything. Numerous phone calls where he would hang up, refusing to eat when I got there, refusing to go out. Dementia is hell. Refusal to eat is one thing he can control. I understand, but it doesn't stop it hurting. The pain is that a person I love treats me like a bit of dirt half the time, resents everything I am doing trying to keep him safe and in his own home as long as possible (his wish). Pain seeing a very intelligent man, struggle with the simplest of tasks. Pain from seeing him vulnerable, scared because someone has just phoned about windows, and he has agreed to them coming tomorrow, and he doesn't know who the hell it is, so I will be there. Went to GA last night...didn't know if I could talk about this cos it is not gambling....but it all came out and I blubbed. I wrote on someone else's diary that antidepressants had stopped me feeling the lows, but also the highs. I am on minimum dose now, and feeling again...I am not going to the casino...although I know at times that being there would numb me, I don't want to go. I am not that person. Life hurts at times, but at this moment my 8 month old puppy is jumping around with her mangled toy, my other dog is snug in her bed, I have dealt well with several phone calls from dad and reassured him, I had a really good sleep last night, I feel content. Thank you for this moment.

Hi Rhoda,

Just a note to say... goodness me, you're going through it but navigating a pathway through - it can't be easy. My grandad had dementia and, like your dad, a very intelligent man. I really feel for you. Keep strong and it always lifts me when I see your name appear on webchat. And I hope, despite everything going on, you sleep as well as you can. It's so important to rest. Keep strong 🙂

Rhoda, I will last weeks on that single pat on the back of yours. It is always a lovely feeling when somebody writes something positive on my diary. I think this is a very good club to be in and all the more reason to fight. Yiou are not doing so bad yourself! Friday and hopefully another restful weekend to look forward to x

Rhoda, I have no words of wisdom to offer, sometimes life gets b****y hard, but you are doing a great job. So sending (((hugs))) because everyone needs a hug sometimes x

Thanks Rhoda 🙂

How are you getting on? x

Thank you for asking Onlyme. Having just looked at jI35 diary, realised I have missed out on something in life....going to supermarket to find French Fancies, having never had one. Just done 3 days at work, yesterday was a killer; we are all under pressure because of staff shortages, but it is frightening at things that are getting missed/ignored, either by inexperience or lack of time. going outside to start cleaning greenhouse....gone a little mad on Groupon this week, and have ordered about 300 plug plants....well they were a bargain. My son is getting married in June and I want lots of pots and baskets. I used to grow quite a lot of bedding plants, tomatoes and cucumbers, but haven't done for a few years, but going to get back in greenhouse. Someone suggested my gambling was related to loneliness, no doubt there is some truth, but many people live alone and aren't compulsive gamblers. I don't think living alone is the problem, not connecting with people to socialise has been. There is someone important in my life, has been for 10 years, but we live 100 miles apart. I've been waiting for circumstances to change, but maybe they are not going to, not yet. But I can change how I think and what I do...every day is for living, being the best me I can be, even if that is not being perfect. So I had better get out and get greenhouse cleaned, then taking dad to bowls, and GA tonight. Catch you later.

Hi Rhoda

Off topic slightly but it may be worth while looking into call blocking technology for your dad. You can set it up with a whitelist of numbers which can always get through and block the vast majority of nuisance callers. BT offer phones with the technology integrated (we have just bought one and it works a treat) or there are separate boxes available which connect to the existing phone base. Could set your mind at rest a little re. who's getting through?

French fancies are seriously yummy.....If you love cake you won't be disappointed!

Getting back in to your greenhouse sounds like a good idea, the general growing, tending and satisfaction with the end result is very therapeutic....I personally can only grow roses and that's because i only have to cut them back a few times a year....I even manage to cut grass wrong lol (well it's only wrong according to the husband as he likes uniform stripes and my stripes tend to wander a bit, but hey that's his job now lol).

Being the best that you can be is perfect, you can't get any better than that x

Hi, Rhoda,

The problem with a parent with dementia or psychosis is that you somehow keep expecting loving parental responses but you don't get them, they're not available to be had. It might help to think of the illness talking rather than your father?

KOKO,

CW

Just read this on a different thread from CW, and it rang bells, just leaving it here for me to reflect on later.

Happiness comes from within. You can be in a relationship with another person but it's not healthy for their happiness or state of mind to determine yours. Part of the GamAnon message for living with someone else's gambling is learning to be more self sufficient, doing things for yourself, having your own attitudes and opinions, not being consumed by the gambler's problems. The other aspect is that the problems took a long time to come about and improving your situation is equally long term, it takes a lot of effort and commitment.