How I feel today, the start of my journey

What a beautiful day, woke up to glorious sunshine birds singing, great walk over the fields with the dog to start my day, I think today is going to be a good one, I feel happy and content and I am very much looking forward to the weekend ahead.

just messaged my partner to say how I'm excited about everything like a little kid, planting some flowers tonight, and treating ourselves to pizza, football is on tomorrow, we are then going to a BBQ at our best friends house and Sunday we are taking the dog to the reservoir.

Work is better too, my boss pulled me to one side yesterday, I think he had seen I was struggling with what I had done, he was so reassuring which put my mind slightly at ease.

And on top of all that I had a full unbroken 8 hours sleep last night probably for the first time in about a year.

I feel so lucky and humbled for our little life today.  If I can try and work on myself forgiving myself mostly or been more understanding with myself, I should have the perfect little weekend ahead.

5 days to go, until I hit my first GF month.

Great weekend so far, spent time with my mum Friday evening, great day in the sunshine bbqing with friends yesterday, although a little worse for wear this morning. So a day pottering in the garden and reading for me. Still rejoicing in the joys of my gamble free days. Starting to feel free. 
4 weeks ago today I took control of my life and it has by far been the best thing I have ever done in years

@deborah270882 Hi Deb.  Sorry to hear this but all I would say is that your employers DID NOT call the police. This tells me that they value you working for them. They DID NOT sack you. Again, this tells me that they are good employers who have been empathic to your reasons for doing what you did and even more - having the decency/guts to own up to them 👏👏👏. Many other people in this position would probably say nothing and just hope for the best! You have an agreement in place to pay them back so this is another positive.

I can understand how you must feel going in each day and no doubt, if you are a proud person (as am I), this is not sitting comfortably with you.

What I would suggest is, each morning, remind yourself that you are doing your utmost best to better things, not just for yourself but for your family and your employers. Each morning tell yourself how grateful you are to still have your job and that you will go in with a smile on your face - even if it doesn’t last - telling yourself this can help shift your mindset. I do this most mornings 😆.

After going from working three days per week, back to full time at aged 61, I feel the strain and most mornings, as soon as I wake up, I wish I did not have to go to work. I then start reminding myself that there are many benefits to having a job, working full time and with a lovely bunch of people and most importantly, I am healthy enough to be able to!

Just hang in there. I bet your employers are thinking more admirably about you inside, after you confessing to them. Much better that, than for them to have found out that money was going missing and then them having to investigate who was the culprit. They also appear to understand how gambling is an addiction and for many, an illness.

Stay positive Deb and make sure you have a good day today doing at least one thing that you know you will enjoy 👍.

Take care.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

@j5a6meyr4z Thank you, I have had an amazing weekend yet again, honestly can't believe the difference in myself after only 4 weeks, but it is the best feeling ever, and I know like last week, I will have bad days, I find the guilt a bit over bearing at times. It can take a while to bring myself back around and my little support circle is always on hand.  I couldn't do this without my family, and I am so grateful to be in this position, I can see it can be a lot tougher for other people.

Your words are kind, and I am finding gamcare and the people on here such a big help in my recovery, I did not realize the problem was so widespread and common, makes me feel less alone.

Well here I am 30 days Gamble free, If I am totally honest I haven't experienced the urge to gamble at all, my struggle is with the feelings of what I have done, how I have let people down myself mostly.  I think its this rollercoaster of emotions that is stopping the urge.  I know it will come, and I will have to deal with it when it does, hopefully the repercussions I am going through will be a strong enough motivation for me if that time ever comes.

Things are good, we are starting to feel the financial loss this last week, as we have a lot of bills going out, but my partner is so supportive and reminds its only money and we can be comfortable again it will just take time.

We do have a holiday booked, which is all paid for and all Inclusive, so 30 more days and I can reward myself with a bit of sea sun sand and sangria.

So tomorrow marks the first day of my second month, here's to another 30 days x

I haven't posted for a few days nearly a week, I have simply just been enjoying life, no urges no guilt a great bank holiday weekend, spent with Friends and family.

I've hit just over 5 weeks gamble free, and to be honest I feel amazing, life is good.  Yes we are skint and we are a far way from financial stability, but it doesn't matter, we are happy and with the support from my partner I am currently flying through every day with ease.

Here is to the next 5 weeks.

Still going strong, focusing on my health at the minute, trying to lose a bit of weight before we jet off on holiday in 4 weeks.  I am walking so much, I find it so peaceful and the endorphins from the exercise make me feel great, i am currently managing about 3 miles a day and I am following it up with a cold shower, the cold plunge gives me a bit of a kick and I feel amazing after.

Feels good losing lbs weekly and not £'s.

I mentioned a few days ago that we are struggling financially but it doesnt bother us, we can only so what we can do, and we will come out of the other end.  I sat down and went through everything I owe, and gave myself a 12 month plan, I am already a little bit in front of that now, providing nothing crops up, we should be back on track by January 26 which gives me some peace of mind that we won't be in this hole forever, and I am enjoying putting things right, I get paid weekly and pay a bit off everything every single week and give my partner what is left over, its working for us and keeping me motivated.

Well I am looking forward to mini weekend away, my daughter has been working in Scotland for 3 months, and I am going to pick her up this weekend, little over night stay as I can't do the round trip in one day.

Filling my weekends up as much as possible has certainly helped along the way, it will be 6 weeks on Sunday and it seems to have flown by.

So I thought I would jump back on today, following my above post, I did as I do everyday to keep me motivated and started reading through some of the recovery diaries, I find them so motivational and inspirational.

Today the 4 I clicked on had all relapsed in recent weeks, and it has scared me to death, some were hundreds of days/ years in and it still came back to haunt them.

I am so scared that this can happen at any time, and by the looks of it when you least expect it, when you feel like your in control and you have your life back on track.

I don't have urges, I havn't wanted to gamble since I owned it and told the people I care about, but what about next month next year, 5 years time.  I cannot go back into that hole, and it looks as though it is so easy to fall back into.  6 weeks ago I was at a point where I had two options give myself up, or give up completely and I chose to fight my demons and bare all but it could have gone the other way.

I am so incredibly grateful for the support and love I have around me, I am also starting to feel a little bit of pride in myself for my gamble free days, but today has really sucker punched me.  I don't want to gamble, and I know full well I wont today, I am confident I wont tomorrow or the day after but what about this time next year, I just feel like it can creep up at anytime and steal your soul and it scares me to death.

I just wanted to add that because although my days are mostly positive, it can take the smallest of things to bring all them emotions back to the top.

Well done Deb keep up the great efforts.  You can smash this !  I understand reading people's relapses is a scary thing but to flip that around think of it as a great reminder of where you don't want to be ever.  I find the reminders sad but also am very conscious they help to keep me on track each day.  Chip in and offer some written support to them and feel good in yourself for reaching out to help someone else struggling and in doing so remind yourself you will not relapse because this is how bad you would also feel, or worse! 

Your doing amazing keep it up! 

Thank you for your words of support, it really does help on the bad days to have the support of this forum.  I have had a couple of bad days, seeing the relapses, and then I have been over thinking our finances and how the family are suffering because of something I have done, but I opened up to my partner about how I was feeling and I cannot stress how supportive that man is, we are skint we are just about getting by and all he cares about is me and my well being.  He is my rock.

So here is to day 44..........................

Well I must say today I am feeling amazing, the weather helps, you can't beat a bit of vitamin D to bring you out of yourself.

Fantastic start to the day, 5.30 get up 3 mile walk with the dog, weight training cold shower and still time for a coffee in the garden before work.

I am feeling ever so grateful for the life I have and ultimately have ignored for the past 5 years, the little things bring me so much joy, and I need to keep hold of that when I have down days.

Sooo a day in the office, an evening of gardening in the last bit of sunshine on the cards for me today.

😀

Day 46, I am so lucking forward to hitting the 50 day mark, i do not know where I would be now if I hadn't had that one pivatol moment where enough was enough and I told everyone everything.

I think I would have gone back by now, I know it is the thought of letting them down that is keeping me going, I hold on to the feeling of utter shame and disgust I had in myself when I found myself baring all my dirty secrets out loud, I was at my lowest of lows, and they all supported me, they all forgave me and are all helping me, I could never betray that, I am so lucky.

No urges at all not once, thanks to them and their love.

So 4 teeny tiny days to go until my 50 days, and with the bank holiday weekend upon us, I have so many plans, it will fly by, then I can work towards my next target of 2 full months, I hit that date the day we go on holiday now that will be a good day.

Well done Deborah 💯 👏 👏 👏 You are smashing it ! Baby steps are the key mini goals and your doing exactly that. Keep the focus, enjoy you busy bank holiday! 

@deborah270882 Well done Deb and lovely to read.  Make sure you reward yourself with a little something once you hit the 50 day milestone.

Take care and enjoy the rest of your week.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

Well here it is 50 days gamble free, I genuinely cannot believe how quickly it has come around, very proud of myself today. heres to the next 50