I am a liar and this is my TRUTH!
My truth needs to be told so my past does not predict my present.
The start of my gambling was probly 16, but I did not know at the time what it would lead to, a person i despise, a liar, deceitful, untrustworthy. All started in the pub of the footy team I played for, just on fruit machines with a £70.00 jackpot, but I would put in whatever it took to win the 70 quid, £100 or £200 whatever was needed. as I got older I earned more money and it took me to betting shops to play the roulette, and that’s where it consumed me. putting in my weeks wages every week without fail, then calling my boss for my week in hand as I had nothing to pay the people/ things which were more important, then it would be borrowing to get through the week. that’s where my first realisation was that I may have a problem but did not want to admit it, I told my family how I messed up but the reasons for it, "was not because I was a gambler" I would tell them, just make up an excuse like everyone does, so I never admitted it and stopped for a short period while I sorted my debts to family. shortly after it all re started on small football bets that as we know lead onto bigger bets and so on. that same thing repeated 2 or 3 times and after that is where my story starts.
After those episodes I started to do well, at the age of 23 I had my own company, earning very good money and everything seemed to be moving forward. and that made me THINK that I can control my betting. from that it spiralled out of control and it wasn’t just roulette any more, became anything I could win from. horse racing was the worst. in half a year of 2016 I had deposited £60,000 into my betting account. so being a “nice” online bookie, they gave me a £1500 free bet to use on certain games online at Christmas time 23rd of December to be exact, and I won. I couldn’t believe it I won £55,000. celebrated and told all my family the good news.
That’s where I became a liar.
Within a month it was gone it never even reached my account, I didn’t even spend a penny on myself or anyone that has helped me in the past, it was gone. as the money was getting lower the bets were getting bigger to chase the money I lost because I thought it owed me, I was owed the money id won. how could I tell the people I love that were proud of me and where I had got to in life and given a head start with the £55,000 winnings that I had lost it all, I was embarrassed, but I had to keep up the false persona that I was okay, I’m sweet, I got money, no drama, I’ll look after ya. where I was so generous before I had to keep that up now, until I won my money back!! So, I gambled and gambled but it just was not coming back. Overall in that period of the 2 years I could have easily gambled over £200,000, which is ridiculous some people don’t earn that in 10 years of working and I had gambled it to try to win back winnings. That could have paid for half a mortgage.
Believe it or not I was still earning good enough money to pretend that I still had that money. but no one knew how depressed I was, how I banged my head off the wall in the shower when the door was shut, or how when I never went work I could not get out of bed because I had no reason to get up! I was done, what was the point, I would draw the blinds lock the front door and sit in silence talking to myself in my head telling myself that I don’t deserve the people around me who had done so much for me my whole life. but as soon as I had company I put that face on that everything was okay, and no one knew what I had done, no one knew that I was broken inside and I never wanted them to find out.
This went on for 2 years. But it come to a point that the work slowed down and the money was not coming any more. I had nothing I had to borrow and get a loan out to keep this pretence that I was doing well and I was okay. It ruined everything.
April 11th 2018 was the day it broke me I couldn’t do it anymore and I finally admitted to close family what I had done. But I was still lying. I told them everything but kept back who and the exact amounts of money I owed. So, it all started again but I was not letting anyone see my account because I was still lying. Again, it caught up of course a couple of weeks ago and that’s when I decided to get help. Because I need help haven’t gambled in a while now but that doesn’t matter it has changed who I was and I do not want to be that person any more. I want to be the person I was, who people loved, who was honest and loyal, who you could trust. I got in touch with gam care and this was a task they wanted me to do and try so I am now telling you my story and journey to help my future and maybe someone else’s because we all know this just doesn’t go away. I still have my rough days and think f**k it, but so far so good and I will not loose the people that love me to chasing money or a thrill that can be replaced with happiness.
So as of now
I WAS a liar and that is my TRUTH.
Speak soon,
Honest Harry.
Hey mate. Thanks for your frank and honest account. It was so raw... My heart goes out to you. That 55k win was the poison that seeped into your veins... The 'significant win'. The 'loss disguised as a win' gambling operators are b******s... BUT...
Insults to the industry aren't going to get the money back. It's gone.
Keep posting and sharing. Don't be afraid to be honest from here on in. Its therapeutic. What other things have you put in place to help recovery. Blocks? GA? Counselling (sounds like you may need this one) just making sure you got a fighting chance against this... It may be back for you at some point even when you're guard is down you know that right... You need to have your armour ready.
Amazing achievement being gamble free since April/may. Abstainence doesn't have to be a turmoil and a fight you know... Seek the right support that works for you and enjoy this new life and what each new day brings.
'as the money was getting lower the bets were getting bigger to chase the money I lost because I thought it owed me, I was owed the money id won'
This is probably one of the most poignant things I've ever read on here. It sent chills down my spine reading that... Boy do I know that mindset.
I am a month and a half GF with mild urges... After reading that I have strength to put those urges to bed for a good while. Thank you. You helped me today so much. I know there's no monetary reward for doing this... But helping each other to keep our money in our pockets and stop donating to the industry is priceless if you ask me. If we don't feed them they can't thrive. Peer-to-peer support is the whole idea of this gamcare lark. Well done mate.
Cheers signalman much appreciated stay strong…
Evening,
Day 2. And believe it or not after finally starting my diary I had a bad day today, its almost as though the demon is watching and wants me to fall off. The tip group I used to be involved in still send me emails wanting to me to join back but its not just me I must be on a long list used to entice people back. But to the point, this specific email shows the successful day in horse tipping they had and all together the four-fold racked up the odds of 73000/1…. The winning bet slips were showing £10,000, £20,000 all the way up to £230,000. And I know it’s true because I have won over £20,000 from some of there tips myself.
It made me angry is the best way to describe it, so angry. Why was I not following the tips anymore? Why did I not have money on that bet? Should I join back up? Just one big win and ill be ready to move forward and put it in the past! I was angry because I knew that if I was still following the tips I would have had minimum of £10.00 EW and I could have been set for life! Debt free!!!!!!!!!!
But then I remembered the person it made me, the person I despised. And no amount of money would make up for the wrong doings I’ve done to my family and girlfriend in the past. And what makes me think that it would have won if I was still betting. Why would I have won this time?
A quick couple of phone calls to my mother seemed to do the trick. This is why I will not go back I will not loose to the legal thieves. I am stronger then that little demon that will not leave, he will still be here for a while I just hope he’s ready for what’s to come because I am not going back, I am not losing my loved ones for him.
I was a LIAR and this is my TRUTH!
Speak soon,
Honest Harry.
day 3
Day 3,
nothing bad to report staying strong hopefully weekend goes well.
speak soon,
honest harry
Hi harry, what a brilliant honest first postnonthat is!!!!! I can really relate to that brave happy front u can put on and then people are soo suprised but helpful when you show the real feelings you have. We don't have put a false pretence on it helps
Day 7.
Things have been okay I suppose, everything is going well and I have not gambled so really, I should be able to say its all good stuff and moving forward. But in all honest I’m sick and tired of having no f*****g money!!
Every single week on pay day I sit and sort out who I owe and what to pay and if I’m totally honest its really getting on my nerves, yes, I understand that its my fault that I’m here and I done it to myself and must pay for my own actions, but its driving me mental having absolutely nothing week to week.
During the week its sweet nothing to worry about just plod on because there’s something to do, but nowadays I do nothing of the weekend or I try my best to anyway, because I can’t afford to do anything. That’s when all sorts of thoughts happen, but I am not gonna let the demon win I’m sure of that, but I just want to have some money to myself, had enough of paying it out to everyone and being left with 50-100 pound until next week. In all honesty and I have not said it to anyone yet but it does make me think I may as well put a little bet on to try get some more, but he will not win.
It just depresses me, I’ve just had enough, really had enough, how am I ment to keep being positive and going day to day with all the intentions of improving and becoming a better version of me when I can’t let go of the idea of not having any money? I need to see the bigger picture and that in a year’s time everything could have been paid but I just can’t!! I just feel the life being sapped from me. I know that money is not everything and have not been brought up money hungry but it really helps, really helps. It could be my fascination of becoming a millionaire that has cause me this gambling problem, but in actual truth it’s my addiction and not being able to walk away, always wanting more and not being able to settle with what I have got.
Things will get easier and I will eventually get a routine, be used to having what I have and I will have to learn to live with it! Just stressed at the minute and needed to express myself to someone who doesn’t have a answer for everything I say, sometimes its nice for me to explain things and not be told that its my fault or that it has to be this way or ill get used to it or that I brought it upon myself or I have a cheek or I need to be patient and understand. Sometimes I just want people to understand where I’m coming from and let me have my moment of moaning about the world and just be with me.
Thanks for listening, just needed to express myself today.
Speak soon,
Honest Harry.
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