I can do this!

Day 8! Over a week :-). The difference in my general mood is apparent I think, my youngest was trying too be a ventriloquist last night and thought turning his back too me would work, so silly but I actually laughed from my tummy several times, seems crackers but last week that would have been an annoyance I just know it would have. All little pleasures like a little one wanting some attention would have been 'getting in the way'. It's so sad, but if I stay gamble free these things will continue too be funny. My mood is still up and down thou, moments of being an absolute grump for no reason, snappy and tired, but I know from before this is all normal, got too go through this too get too where I want too be, part of the journey. I have thought about gambling and certain slots in particular and watching the bonus rounds come in, 95% of the time amounting too sweet fa but still wanting it too come in again, the makers have those games spot on for CGs, winning spins just enough too make you think your in with a chance, and even thou I know the odds are in their favour I still carried on, never about winning. Just a buzz that I can get elsewhere. Thinking the next spin could be 'the one' then the next or the next or...even if it was I would put it back anyway, withdrawing, reversing blah blah blah. My head still isn't fully on board, my heart is thou, 100%. Each day I am having a little moral fight as too the pros and cons, and mr gamble fully leading the way of the pros, his normal one go, no one would know, it def won't hurt, fully prepared too lose a quick £50 for what? Well mr gamble I actually need that £50, shopping being delivered tomorrow, a full shop and I'm not cancelling it again, a full shop! So silly but living day is going too be a thing of the past. Still have not sat down with my partner and actually gone through things, and still get grunts or yeps when I try and talk, I say come on I'm trying too talk to you about stuff and he just says go on then...but he's so frosty and flippant I don't feel comftable, it's not a two way conversation and each sentence is replied with 'I know that' 'or I already know that' I just don't have the heart too have a one sided conversation with someone being so adamant they know everything. Day 8, there is a meeting I want too go too tonight, it will go down like a lead ballon and not actually sure I can make it, depends on parents evening and what time we get out, but I'm going too try.

How ironic that the people who actually do 'know that' would never be so dismissive! Far be it for me to cast aspersions but how can he say he wants to be the one supporting you when he is behaving like this 🙁 I know from my experience that my now hubby didn't need to know the ins & outs of it but reading on the friends & family, a lot of them would have liked an explanation or an attempt @ one. Sounds to me like you've got more than stressful motherhood on your plate. If he doesn't want to hear it & you are standing your ground & getting the support elsewhere, do you need to bare all @ home? May sound daft because I know you need him on board but maybe he's not ready to accept what you know yet. I know getting a sponsor @ GA for us girlies isn't exactky a walk in the park but if you haven't been offered a phone list yet, maybe ask for one or see if they have a Whatsapp group or anything similar that you could join?

Don't let the evil Mr Gamble kid you that you weren't a grumpy Moo before, you've already said an attention needing child was a hinderance. That x amount does matter! The belly laughs & full shops don't happen when we gamble...You are doing great & welcome to week 2 🙂

Honestly it's mad that he's acting like this, but I have resigned myself to doing it with support elsewhere. He's here which I know a lot of people would kill for, but it's actually a bit of a hindrance because although 'he knows' nothing has changed, he has my cards, and that's about it. His face when I asked him too deal with the school 'T*****a' like I was being an idiot, seriously I'm not an idiot, tombolas are prob my earliest memory of gambling actually! Lol the fact I'm a cg is prob the reason my kids got too get back in the que too try again and win some shower gel while the other parents were ushering their kids out the door is no coincidence, it's in me. He did it thou so I guess that's where I have too be grateful. They gave me a phone list but not sure if I'm comftable contacting someone randomly yet, I will mention this actually next time and see if anyone steps forward ! I just need too concentrate on recovery but my relationship seems too be taking over. I have realised that before our 'honeymoon' period was over I was a cg, in the first 6 months of meeting him, so he knows the grumpy moody cg side of me and is still here, but that also means he knows the manipulative me, the one that would do ANYTHING to hide what's she's doing and do anything for some more money. And flip that because I don't know him either, because stuff he does that annoys me has always been put a side because each day I was feeling guilty and thinking I was worse than him. We need too get too know each other again! Ah who knows!!!! Onto week 2 🙂

We can't get back what we have spent its gone, but we can build a life full of treats for not only our families but ourselves too. I'm on 17 days , but this time is different for me. I'm not prepared to lie and cheat anymore, or to loose and go without what's want. I am finding my money tin is a great help as it means I just leave my bank account alone and have no access to cards just cash. Worth a try

Oh Day 9 and the urge is strong 🙁 I can't get it out my head and having a wobble!!!!! I have time at home today, and although I def don't want too gamble my head keeps throwing in crazy ideas and whispers, imagining the feeling of playing, I DO NOT WANT TOO!!!! It's flicking through possible ways around blocks, finding news sites etc etc, I'm worried blocks are not tight enough :-/ this is the first day where it's felt really strong with every possible excuse too gamble jumping into my head, I'm sending them back out but no matter what I'm doing they are still there!!! Just got too try and ride this out and keep busy I know,but so far today is no walk in the park, come on Alice!!!!

Text my partner and told him of my urges, no reply yet but at least he can check on me throughout the day ! Told him the gaps in my blocks too, found them. Firstly I know my 3 digits on the back which makes depositing into a net***** account possible, secondly I have pictures of all cards with the last 4 digits missing from sending off proof of id in my emails, I know the last 4 digits of some...so all cards are being cancelled so I don't know any numbers!!!! I actually know my whole debit card I think so who am I kidding!! I have handed them over before and just re ordered them without his knowledge so need too work that out too, they are my accounts so I can re order anytime, but at least it gives me enough time too actually think about what I'm doing and buys me time too get my head on straight! Ordering cards takes a few days so definitely some breathing space but this is a fact I need too remember for the future, it's a possibility so I need too find away too block this potential avenue. The kids have tablets....no software on them, so we need too install something on them too, completely obvious and should have already been done. Maybe my head actually wanted them left? Mr gamble leaving a door on purpose?? I think so, but it's ok door being closed tonight when he gets home! Ridiculous that my head is even thinking like this, with all my knowledge of this addiction, why can't I just say no, pointing out the obvious flaws in my own plans, crackers but at least I'm being honest...with myself and him eh. I need the strength today to get through.

Well done AER....can you get out? Distract yourself. Write yourself a list of achievable tasks for the day and tick them off as you achieve them. Put some music on loud and dance....lose yourself in it. Best wishes.

No reply from partner still, no words of encouragement or support, so sad 🙁 I had the means too gamble and I haven't, I got out and did some bits, then kids finished early for Easter, now home and tidying, big win for me today getting through the urges, big thumbs down for my relationship thou! My head feels better this afternoon thou and not as weak, urges have definitely subsided and I've got this today 🙂

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference. I'm not religious at all but the above is rather on the button and what I need too think about. Feeling the urges today and I'm in an awful mood. Head filled with gambling. My addiction using my emotions as a way in? If he doesn't care then why should I ? The 'f**k it, he wouldn't notice and wouldn't bat an eyelid even if I was caught gambling again' excuse. Luckily in reality I know this is not about my relationship or him. Luckily I do know no matter what happens this is about me, my children and our future. It doesn't stop whispers in my head but it is helping me dismiss and keep going. Had no reply at all too my reach out for help and support text, so I sent him another message rather stupidly in anger just saying that I was disappointed and that this week has been a real eye opener for me. When he came home he plugged his phone in and mumbled he had had no battery at all, all day. I said I knew this wasn't true as Facebook showed him online in the afternoon, his face showed me all I needed too know but he still denied it, raised his voice and said it was wrong. Ok. So all I feel inside is anger which is unhealthy, I get lectured about asking him for support not a room full of strangers, I do and get ignored, then lied too. Then my head says that I have been a liar for years too him so I have no right too be annoyed, I have completely lost my moral standing on such things because my whole life has been a lie for some while. Feeling pretty low. Made a list of things too do today, and really not wanting too do anything but go back too bed, cry and sleep. Got too just get on thou, two little ones who need a smiling mum, so off I go

What about getting yourself a sponsor from GA? Then you can leave your husband out of it. Sometimes those we love are too close to help... everything gets to mixed up and emotional.

Cathyx

The roller coaster of recovery! Woke up feeling great! I went out last night, first night with the girls this year, I left earlier than everyone else, didn't enjoy the ques of drunk people, I never used too mind it and actually was one on them barging around too drunk too care but I stood back and actually didn't see the point of it, couple of drinks and a dance and then home. Partner has gone too work, just me and the boys and a big to do list and I'm feeling focused! And happy! Meeting tonight, which I'm looking forward to as well. Amom I do need a sponsor I agree, but just got too find someone willing, I have only done 2 meetings and from what I understand it's harder for ladies too get one, I feel abit awkward asking too! But too have someone I can contact who could support me a bit more would be great, if I'm having a wobble just knowing someone is there would be reassuring! Not sure how to go about getting one!

Good meeting last night, another one tonight, ga meetings really do help. Feeling ok today, got lots too do. Went through some finances yesterday and although it's not great we can eat so that's always a bonus 🙂

Day 13, the urges are really strong this morning, every possible reason is in my head as too why I should gamble 🙁 and my willpower is struggling too overcome it. The most silly little reasons too. Just £10 won't hurt, who would know? I'm already on my a**e financially so a tenner won't make any difference? My heads saying that would settle me, make me feel better and then I could get on with my day, then how would I get that money? Working out what lies I could tell to get round blocks. It's like torture in my head. Nearly 2 weeks, why would I want too ruin that. I dont want too be a liar anymore, and I know that it would not stop at that and I would want too do more. But my head won't stop lying too me. It won't make me feel better, I just know this but I can't make myself believe it. I'm seeing reminders of different games everywhere, every star, every superhero toy in my boys room, films, food, tv you name it and their is a slot linked too it. This is no coincidence I know that too. Every game is made this way on purpose so that as we go through our daily lives we get little reminders of a game we liked or played, it's everywhere!!!!! Aarrgggghhh come on. I'm mentally playing the games in my head 🙁 I need too keep busy. I want too warn my partner how I'm feeling, tell him too watch me closer, but that's no use. He's a closed book. He is still saying I can talk too him, but it's just not true. I tried again last night and he doesn't answer, just nods his head oddly, even when I'm saying come on please talk too me he just says I am, I'm sat here so talk, but I try and he sits in silence or one word answers, it's frustrating, one way conversation unless he's replying too say he already knows. I'm finding him frustrating. He certainly doesn't get ga, I was suppose too be going last night but couldn't because he needed too go out and pick stuff up about the time I would have needed to have gone, then his little brother was finishing work at 945pm and couldn't get home so he had offered too pick him up, and pretended he had forgotten I was suppose too be going out before he made these plans. I'm not happy at all about it, so I stayed composed and said I need the meetings, I got my normal silence, so I said I would be going too another meeting on Wednesday instead, and if he could make sure he was home for the kids please. Too which he said he couldn't guarantee it because his job might over run, although 30 mins before he said he was allowed too the job out of hours so I know he could finish it thurs if needs be!!! I actually believe he's blocking me going on purpose just because he's jealous of me wanting too talk too others, even if I could talk too him and he was more open I would still be going too ga anyway. They get me and understand me, and how I'm feeling today I really need it. Just cannot fathom why anyone would be acting like this. I have f****d up I know that, and I'm doing my upmost too get help, and if he was angry I would understand as that's a normal reaction, but he's not, just being awkward. My mood has been good the last few days and when we are not talking about my gambling he's fine, laughing and joking and we're all happy. The moment I mention anything at all, he changes and goes into one word answers and shoulder struging. As you can tell this subject is annoying me a lot and I'm rambling. He says he understands....definitely doesn't. Right thoughts of gambling are being replaced with annoyance, not good either!!!! I'm going too try and find something too do. I will make it too 2 weeks gamble free somehow !

Hi AER, well done posting. You are going to be gamble free today...just get through it hour by hour...get out, go for a walk, have a coffee, be productive...bake a cake. Have you swapped phone numbers with anyone from GA, is there anyone you can contact. You are not fighting this alone. Keep posting. Take care.

Hi AER,

Thanks for the post on my diary.

I have thought about going to ga meetings but not something's I've followed up with I'm going to try speaking to a counsellor this time.

Have you shown your partner this site as when I opened upto my wife going back some time ago she didn't really get the whole gambling thing and I pointed her to gamcare so she could learn more about the addiction don't know if that may help your partner?

Keep fighting the urges I know it's hard as there seems to be adverts/reminders everywhere my latest down fall was looking on gum tree and a site popped up in the header with a game I once played and something in my brain thought it would be a good idea to take them up on the free bonus....stay strong and stay focused each day you gamble free your making your life better.

Shaun