I cannot win because I cannot stop

Hi Stu,

If I had to count the number of times I found myself in your position on my fingers, I'd definitely need more than one hand, and might need to bring my toes into it too. It sounds like deep down you know how corrosive this addiction is, I know when I was gambling my statements were a few DDs in between a raft of gambling transactions, usually going in this order: 10 10 20 50 100 etc...

This point is tough, it feels like there's no way out, and although you know there's no point chasing losses, that urge for the last big win that will make it all okay is still there. You've taken the right step here today, hopefully by tomorrow you can start to plan your escape route, and start working towards rebuilding.

Stick with this place Stu, it has helped so many people, me included.

All the best

Ryan

Hi stu,thanks for posting in my diary. I know so well what your going through right now and its tough.but the fact you have posted on this forum is a great start on your road to recovery.

Its 51 days since I was exactly in the same position as yourself.skint and struggling to pay my bills that month.felt like cr** etc.the stress of it all.its a lonely place to be in and you can't tell anyone what you have done and why your skint.

But this forum is were you can talk about stuff with people who understand and it will help you so much.

Believe me this forum is giving me the most hope I've had in years to kick this out of my life for good! Everyday you don't gamble you get a part of the real you back again.another piece in the jigsaw of the person you were before this cr** took over your life.I read this forum everyday to keep me focused and to keep me strong.I'm part of Mr bright sides 2014 challenge thread and its so much of a help.its helping me so so much.its so motivational.sign up and be one of the team.

So stay on here mate.keep reading and stay focused.you can do this and turn your life around.I was in a dark place 51 days ago but today the sun is shining and I can see a future.you can follow down this road too.good luck mate!

Stu

Fella I hope you can make good use of the forum once again, it sent a shiver down my spine reading

'in truth if I had money in my account now I would be gambling'

A very honest post my friend.

Use the knowledge you have gifted yourself to get back on the recovery road.

A choice of long term abstinence is something only you can make.

Hope to see you stick around even when you do have funding.

Duncs stepping forward never back

DAY 2

thanks everyone for your posts- really encouraging. I know I am not judged on here, I know you understand.

so today is the usual mixture of guilt, shame, embarrassment, stress. Stu this is what gambling does to you! plus it turns me into someone who lies and deceives and I am not that person, I am a really nice guy!! I want to get myself back, I will get myself back.

so I don't know what I am going to do about getting through this month with no money- just 13 days to pay day, you can do it. In one way I am glad I have no money- no money does make abstinence easier.

My wonderful wife got a new job yesterday, she smashed the interview and was fantastic, she doesn't know I'm struggling with this again it would really hurt her. So why do I do it if I know it would hurt the people I love? get a grip Stu.

personal goal: going to get to 7 days gamble free.

counting my blessings today: I have 4 wonderful children who love me and who I love unconditionally, they are 12, 10, 5 and 7months. Played football with my boys yesterday and so enjoyed seeing them laugh and smile. I will not ruin that by gambling.

I will not gamble today. Get lost gambling.

Stux

Hey Stu

Lovely to hear from you again. I did kind of guess you had been gambling again when you stopped posting. Good to hear you have put blocks on your laptop, although I wonder, are you able to unlock this? I had my sister put a password on both my laptop and my mobile phone a long time ago and this really does help to stop you in your tracks I think from any temptation.

Stu, I use the most simple but powerful word "NO" every time I think about gambling, which is very few and far between these days. Plus my blocks. Both really help.

Stu, you used this diary to your advantage last year and it helped you distance yourself from the dread of gambling for 100 days!!

Think back to how you felt then and keep that at the forefront of your mind. Continue to love your family and spend your non gambling time playing with your beautiful children.

Take care Stu and look after yourself.

Hope to see you very soon walking down The Bright Side of the Road!!

Feb.x

Hi Stu,

That personal goal of getting through the first week gamble free is a good place to start, and being next to penniless has brought us all here to search for recovery from time to time. I was reading Duncanmac's diary today, and as he says the key is to continue wanting to recover once you start having money again.

As you say yourself, spending time with the kids and your wife is an inspiration, so hang on to that and picture them when the urge to gamble comes a-knocking. Like Feb says, the word no may be a short word, but its the one we need. Every time you say no, it gets a little bit easier to say it the next time.

All the best

Ryan

DAY 3

Hey Ryan and FEB- thanks for your posts, I agree absolutely with what you are saying. One of the great things about this site is the support from the other forum members.

one of the crazy things that I found was that I really enjoyed the 'friendship' that I made with the other gamblers and live dealers on the site. It sounds so stupid writing this, but its true I enjoyed chatting with them. Back in the real world- Most of my really close friends are not close geographically to me and for a number of reasons its quite hard to make close friends in the job I'm in. So the gambling world provided and easy answer to this I suppose. Anyway I do really know that it was the wrong place to look for friends, and that I am better off putting my energies into my existing friendships and perhaps trying to make new ones.

anyway- don't want to gamble today.

just for today I will not gamble

counting my blessings

Stuxx

Stu

'anyhow I don't want to gamble today'

Fella that is a great way to start your day, no a bloo##dy fantastic way to start your day.

I read your thread regarding friendship with great interest, funny the way I see it was that my relationship with gambling meant it fooled me into thinking it was my best friend, the folk in the bookies never my friends, just accosiates, me wishing in truth for them to lose deep at heart so I could have all the winnings!!!

We all know what happens there!!

The polar opposite here, I have met many true folk through this forum, through there hard efforts of recovery they become there true selves,I talk regularly with some away from the forum and have had the pleasure to meet a couple away from the site, the thing is there is no catch 22 here, just a passion for living without the destruction.

Lastly counting days is great, it builds resolve not to want to gift your recovery back to addiction, the value of continued abstinence becomes more valuable than that first punt.

Your life should be about counting the 12 or so days till you get to enjoy your hard earnt, not 12 or so days until you can fund that first punt.

Today is day 3 of the rest of your life,you really cannot change the past,but the future is truly in your hands.

Enjoy it my friend, you have the right too.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

DAY 4

thanks Dunc-

Found it really hard yesterday, got really angry and grumpy I think because I wasn't gambling- withdrawl symptoms perhaps like when we give up coffee? Anyway, managed to push through it. I suppose its about trusting that the urges, emotions etc.. will pass and that they are only temporary.

I am a very religious person, so today is a special day- Good Friday. No chance of gambling today- it would be a c**P day to crash and burn.

keep strong everyone

Stuxx

Hey Stu

As you said, hour by hour if need be. Its only natural to experience withdrawal symptoms so early on. Just try to expect them but more importantly, accept that the craving will eventually come down and crash, just like a huge wave does.

I love Easter time and will be enjoying cooking Lemon Sole tonight for me and my son.

Try to have a lovely Easter with the special people in your life. I will keep you in my prayers.

Take care.

Feb.x

DAY 5

-thanks for your comments and your prayers FEB. Hope you enjoyed the lemon Sole, sounds lovely.

the early mornings are when I used to do most of my gambling, when everyone else was asleep. It almost inevitably meant that for the rest of the day I would be grumpy and feel rubbish, cos I would lose. Its nice not having that sinking/losing feeling.

nearly at my first goal of 7 days.

keep strong lovely people

Stux

Stu

fella I hope the rewards of your abstinence keep coming, to gift your resolve by posting at the start of your day is a great way to start.

Be proud enjoy it.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

DAY 6

not much time today for a long post- so just going to say

HAPPY EASTER everyone.

wishing you a great day with family and friends

Stux

DAY 7

first goal met today!

going to enjoy day with lovely family.

Stuxx