I can't keep living like this!

Woke up feeling positive. The fog and haze has definitely lifted since I made my first post on this diary. Day off today will relax and watch the cricket and do a few bits around the house.

One danger when you start to feel better about yourself are the thoughts about 'just have one bet' 'you might win' 'go on it will be a buzz an escape' which I had yesterday but im just trying to think of all the negatives gambling causes and the consequences of that one spin on the machines.

My mum and dad are currently looking after my money and im just having 10 pounds a day which is working.

I feel like I may look into counselling or gamblers anonymous in the near future when I feel ready if that makes sense for now im happy with how things are progressing.

Day 13. No bets.

Starting to feel settled in the new job and enjoying it. There is a lot to learn but i'm embracing it and soaking it all up. Made me see that if I keep working hard I can potentially progress to earning pretty good money in a role that gives me job satisfaction.

Another day chalked up had a few little urges but keep telling myself if im committed and stay away from that first spin things will start to get better.

Felt a lot less anxious so far this week. Guess its baby steps one day at a time.

As the motivation increases im hoping I can get back into playing football and start running again.

Had a relapse on thursday won some money...lost it all again...back to square one...when will I ever learn.

Really p1ssed off with myself!!

Gets harder and harder to get back up again after every relapse.

Cant keep putting myself through this god knows where will end up.

Not gambled yesterday or today. I am realising there are a lot of things I need to address.

I need to sort my debts out I set up a debt management plan with step change and ive not paid it since April. I also owe a friend 70 pounds. Im not sure how best to manage my debts either a debt management plan with step change or via speaking to each creditor and setting up individual payment plans.

I feel another factor making me unhappy is smoking so ive booked a doctors appointment for some help.

I feel I may need some counselling or to attend ga as well.

If I dont tackle all the problems and reasons why I gamble and start finding ways to enjoy myself day to day its going to end in disaster.

I could lose the place I rent become bankrupt lose my mrs and struggle to cope with my job eventually i dunno how ive managed so far really.

I have to break through and not avoid or put these things off as just simply making it through each day isnt enough effort or doesnt address anything and thats why I alwayd end up relapsing.

I feel for you, I've had so many times when I've thought 'this is it, I'm totally f****d' but honestly nothing is game over. Many things that need sorting do seem impossible when they are bundled together but if you break them down one at a time they are doable.Stepchange will be cool if you explain and csn make a token payment because to big companies something us better than nothing etc.Hope thus doesn't sound patronising or bossy!! Best wishes and take care S:)

Hi Sharon thanks for your post. Yeah I think I will make a list of the things I need to sort out but just tick things off one at a time.

You're right in saying it's never over its just the regret, anxiety, hurt and shame and all the other things that come with this addiction and relapses.

Sometimes its the only thing I know and gambling also blocks out some of the things you find difficult to process or understand especially when you feel a bit vulnerable when your free from it if that makes sense.

Payday today all my money has been transferred to my parents.

Trying to have the minimum amount of money each day now so that I dont let money carry over and build up then cant slip into old ways.

Off to some training at work today then looking forward to a weekend off.

Things will get better if each day I decide I will not gamble.

You're doing all the right things and I can totally relate to the cycle of gambling being a way of life. Sometimes I can't take in that I spent 5 years being obsessed with online gambling and it does pain me that I'l never get that time or money back. The only thing I can do is to never gamble again. Your last line hits the nail on the he'd, do be kind to yourself even if you don't feel you deserve it! Have a relaxing GF weekend S:)