Hi all,
I have returned yet again. I feel like I am letting everyone around me down by continuing to relapse. Not only people on this site, but family, friends and myself.
My finances are in order again, after a decade of battling with this. However, I have been gambling heavy for the past month, and this is preventing me from progressing with my life. Every time I get back on a level plain I spiral out of control. I have constant thoughts of pain, worry, guilt regret & shame - all of which has numbed me inside.
I have started previous diaries on here, but I just can't seem to make it to more than a few weeks, even then the shame of doing so results me in leaving this site, and not even having the courage to own up to my relapses.
I honestly don't even know why I gamble any more. There really is no need for me to do so. I have a stable job, and I'm in a position to build up savings to put towards a home of my own. The money I have lost continues to haunt me, on an almost hourly basis. I assess my life and wonder how much better things would have been if I had never got into this, it makes it difficult to move on. I am almost 30, without a penny to my name - that makes me feel worthless and a failure.
The lies are what kill me most. I've confessed to my parents three times in the past, and both have said that they wouldn't be able to take it if I repeated the same mistakes a fourth time. Unfortunately, I have, and I cannot possibly break their hearts all over again. Since I have not lost a small fortune this time round, if I stop now, there will be no need to cause any more pain; to others and to myself.
That probably comes across as selfish, and some kind of incoherent mess, but I just wanted to write down some quick thoughts. I'm going to stick by my promise this time, and post on here every single day without fail. This is my last hope of survival, as if I relapse again, I seriously feel dead enough inside to do something regrettable.
Just to add, this is day one complete for me as I haven't gambled at all today. I'm now going to close the remaining online bookmaker accounts I have open.
Stick with it dude! I'm at a totally different point to you (spent the last 6 months getting deep into debt) and am also 30. Have gone from the best financial postition of my life to the worst in 6 months or so. I feel incredibly guilty and worthless and am gearing up to tell my partner and eventually parents. I guess I can;t offer any constructive advice but believe that it can get better and stay gamble free.
Thanks Deirdrie, I wasn't actually aware of that! I am going around them all now self-excluding. Lately, all my gambling has been done online, so cutting these out is a sensible first step.
Cheers for posting on my diary , I've done it loads of times what uve done got on straight and narrow and then had a good blow out, and I constantly think where I be if I hadn't gambled or if I could win all the money bk I've gambled , But if I think about it it's that sort of thinking that's got me into this position chasing lost money and dreams that never come true and even if they did I would only lose it.as u know it's my first day on my diary and I'm gonna try and forget what I've lost and give myself a fresh start and see how it goes good luck . As of now I'm gonna stop gambling I bet u 20 I can.(last bit was a joke The 20 bet) but seriously good look and keep positive .
Hi Nothappy,
I dont know if you have ever tried using a blocker on your phone or laptop, im currently using K9 which is free i just asked my partner to put the password in so i cant deactivate it, that along with self excluding from the many many sites is a real help. Im currently on day 16 so still early days myself so cant really offer much advice for the long term just to say good luck on your journey, and make the most of this site as you probably know it is a great help the support and advice is invaluable and sometimes its just the kick up the ar** we need. Ive personally found writing a diary really helpful so far sometimes you just need to let it out and no1 gets a CG like a CG.
keep it up
jess
Appreciate the replies guys, thanks.
As for the blocker, I have never tried, but I'm quite savvy with computers so no doubt if I was having urges I would be able to deactivate it. Although, since its free and adds another layer between me and these sites I'll look into it.
Lunch time on my second day, and in the back of my head I'm thinking "try and win the 400 you lost this month". I'd love to win that back, but I understand the most likely outcome is losing more money and adding to my misery.
I usually walk along to the bookies at lunch time, but today I'm going to go down by the waterfront and relax.
The hardest part about moving on is acceptance of the money that has gone, and that little devil on your shoulder telling you to win some back. I think that's the reason why I have never successfully stopped before, I just can't let go. That's something I have to work towards.
Hi nothappy,
Be strong and keep your mind active! Try and go to a GA meetings near where you live. These meetings have really helped me big time, I am on day 41 today, never done this in my life and I am now 43 years old! Better late than never I suppose.
Good luck in your New life without gambling...
Hi not happy
Just read your post re putting in blockers
If you register the blocker with a trusted member of family or friend ( their email address) then if you was to uninstall it they would get an email.
Also to uninstall you need the password even if you wipe your hide drive/ rollback etc
Hope it helps.
Shelly
Mate i got a bad report with gambling and i wish you a lot of strength and huge will ...i stopped smoking and gambling on the first of January 2014 and i feel better in all aspects ...love,psychologically ,money wise ...i got support from friends and family,and of course all of you in gamecare. Keep strong and don't lie ,find someone to whom you can tell every urge every relapse...good luck my friend and count on me!
hi not happy , hope you are feeling stronger and stronger as the hours gamble free pass by , i am no star at this gambling free lark , i am just over about 5 weeks now i guess , have relapsed once on this site aswell , no shame in that but as long as we which i believe you are , are serious about stopping , but i know like you its hard. i understand the worry of telling your parents i havnt they think i lost just a few hundred quid how i wish they were right , but i couldnt take the dissapointed faces , but like your parents i know they would have supported me . May i just say i think you have hit the nail on the head with regarding what you have said and how i think partly you might stop , for everyone it is diferentish but like you i just cant let go , well i couldnt not until now and i couldnt let goof the money i had lost , but i have had to face it , let it go and right it off , as if i did not do this like yourself it would haunt me for the rest of my life and then in the process continually push me back into gambling . For my sanity and my life which we only get one to live which is too short to start with and too short to waste on gambling and for the sake of a roof over my head, all these reasons and many more i had to stop gambling , but i could not until i let go the money i lost , it took a while but eventually i did , but its gone and so i must forget it , and start again , which you can to . So my point and sorry to rammble , you must let go of the money you have lost , whats gone is gone , move on forgetting what you have lost , but still knowing in the back of your mind you have lost it as a lesson not to gamble again, as i think this is a major wall in your way to stopping gambling, so right off your losses and in the process knock down that wall that is stopping you from becoming gamble free , i know you are determind as you are self excluding , i like you also gammbled on line and it was way too easy to loose money . To be honest although i wish i never ever started , now i have stopped gambling , the fact that i have learned to let go of the money that i have lost which was i might add more than 40k , this has taught me a good life lesson a lesson on letting go of other things to like letting an argument go right or wrong , and also accepting i am wrong which i could not do before also gambling has taught me money win or loose rich or poor money does not make us happy , also gambling is just a fake buzz which makes normal life seem boring . My ace card aswell as self excluding ect.. was destroying my debit card , no card no ability to gamble , yes i could get another , but by the time i come to order or by the time it would arrive my urge would be gone so i just dont bother , i now use for everyday items to live cheque books and cash instead and sometimes with my dads permision his debit card then pay him back later , this can be awkward but if this stops me gambling i am prepared to do this. you could do this or get somebody to look after your card or as someone on here does ,pay wages directly into someone else account then have them pay direct debits out for there bills , then have them look after the rest and give them pocket money and set up an isa direct debit , or something like that , just trying to help not to preach as i am still learning , be aware my friend you are 30 i am 38 so if its not too late for me then its not for you , thanks simon ps cant do paragraths sorry
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