i have never been here before

never thought id see myself back here

but here i am

2 weeks not gambling

2 weeks not smoking ( 30 a day )

feel strong and know i wont break this abstinence easily but i really dont want to go back to it

i wonder if there is anyone who remembers me from the last time i was here

And here I am again. The madness brings me back.

Hi ricks,

It takes a lot of courage to post about relapsing, however brief. Just know that we are here for you and that you are welcome at any time. Maybe write a little more?

Kind wishes

Gabriele

Here I am sat at home, the children at school, my wife at work. I am relatively calm for someone not just suffering from the effects of gambling but one who today has decided that I will no longer smoke. One could see the latter as a way to punish myself but the reality is one of shrewd opportunism.

It's such a chore to have to struggle on but it's what I must do. My friend "despair" will never turn me away but I have no time for her. Let's see where this leads me.

I sit still on my chair almost entertained by the effects of my cold turkey withdrawl from nicotine. After I go through the 2-3 days of this then I will be in the position, the place in my mind where I can deal with my addictive voice and destroy the beast inside me.

I am not a good person, even more confirmed when I am suffering the withdrawl from nicotine. It will pass but it does not seem soon and then it will be my real beast that I must tackle.

I will be posting here as destruction comes. It is me or it, I have not the time nor tollerance for any other outcome.

I do not have to gamble. I certainly do not have to smoke or take drugs. I do not have a disease.

My world is enclosed, I have little need of people except those ones immediately around me. Everything is so intense. I am and always have been a passionate man.

I will direct this for the good of me.

My resolve is weakened but I am no novice at this and I know I can stand strong and everything will be fine again soon.

Why not just give in, let the beast be beaten that way?

I am tired weak, weary.

Why do I keep on fighting?

Perhaps look at life this way...

You have children, I don't. I have never even had a relationship in the whole of my life due to gambling.

I continue to have dreams of having a family of my own but those dreams are fading due to my age. Thankfully, I have a job where I help children fulfil their potentials.

You have children. You have a family. Embrace this.

NT

It would be a lie to say it is all that keeps me going as I cannot die as although at times that is more than just a thought, there is no way the beast will allow that end as it is not finished yet. The shame alone has not the power.
Yet you are right and I do embrace and take seriously my family. I have people who need me and I can and do bring good into their life's despite my torment.

It's hard not to wonder where I have gone wrong and why I keep fighting even when all seems lost. That on the surface might appear to be a good trait but on closer reflection it may be symptomatic of my continuing failure to find peace, to stop the perversion of being a slave to my desires.

I have missed posting here. That's not an easy admission from someone who often likes to think that forum's like this may be good for some but not really for me. 

It has been a few days, not of abstinence, but simply where I have not gambled. Being one who is reluctant to feel any undeserved credit or as some have previously called, being very hard on myself.

True abstinence is where gambling does not even come into the life equation. I was there at one point but now I am so far away from that place.