This has been the first time I have posted on this forum and it was a suggestion of the second advisor on GAMCARE that I have decided to start a recovery diary. I had phoned GAMCARE on Saturday morning and had some good advice from the councillor on the phone but I wasn't ready to stop. Though I had arranged to get councilling in my area so hopefully someone will contact me soon. My last bet was on Saturday evening on the d**n FOBT's I only go to one particular bookmaker as I seem to have particularly good results when I am on a winning streak. I know this sounds unrational but I now know it to be the mind of a complusive gambler and I am a rational person so why do I gamble??? At one point I had trebled my initial stake of £560 to £1600 but rather than walking away and leaving for whatever reason. At this point I walked out and was actually sitting in the car when I walked back into the bookmakers again. I lost everything and in moments of desperation I thought about suicide and how pointless my life was and how I would be better killing myself. This was when I decided to reach out to GAMCARE again and talking to a second person made me feel better. I also phoned Samaritans and my two closest genuine friends. I didn't actually go through with the plan but the thought is always on the back of my mind.
A bit about my background...I'm a 38 year old Chinese guy who lives with his parents...I don't know why but gambling seems to affect a lot of Chinese people. My parents have seen a lot of people lose businesses due to their addiction. I did gamble in my early life and it was mainly fruit machines and never a excessive amount. Until 10-11 years ago when I went with a work colleague to pick up his winnings at the bookmakers. The trigger was when I'd played a fruit machine (At that time they had separate fruit machines) and was putting money in ended up running out of change and these so called friends played the fruit machine and subsquently won the money I preceived to have been mine. From that time onwards it was a downward spiral, I played a FOBT to try and recover the losses and quickly I became addicted. Within a matter of months I had squandered all my savings and maxed out two credit cards and at one point I was trying to get a loan to pay off all the debts.
My saving grace was when my parents were trying to help my brother buy a house and asked members of the family for financial help. My secret was discovered and subsquently the fallout was bad and they managed to help me pay off all the debts. Six years ago I was working and had a good job but I had to make a major life decision at the time. Whether to continue with my insurance brokers job of £20k+ or work and help my parents run their family takeaway. They persuaded me with all the good reasons why I should do it and in the end I did. I can't condone them for what happened next but the next six years of my life was the most unhappiness I've ever been. Because of my addiction they controlled all the finances and I was paid a weekly stipend of £50 a week though I didn't have to pay for food/accomodation etc. Within those six years I relapsed many times but the twice it was taking money that was not mine. The first time from my brothers account and the second time from a business account I had limited access to. When it happened the second time my parents stopped my £50 a week for a year so I had to ask them to pay for things when I needed it which made me depressed.
Which leads to me where I am today? Due to my unhappiness in working for my parents I had voiced this so many times they decided to sell the lease of the business so I was virtually unemployed. Before this I had secretly went back to the Bookmakers and I had some good results with the particular machine and game. I had won £2700 over subsequent plays and then lost it all and then at the beginning of the year before the business was leased I won £3300 over subsquent weeks and then lost it all before the business was leased. Why did I gamble??? I think in my mind I thought I would be able to win enough money to tide me over the lean months when I was looking for a job. My parents resumed the £50 a week in March so that I would have something saved when the business was sold in August. It's difficult to survive on this amount I'm not making excuses (a lot of unexpected things happen like I broke my phone and bought a new one) but I felt a lot of injustice about the whole thing and one of the reasons why I no longer wanted to continue with the business. My parents aren't really supportive and it was difficult to work and live with them all the time. They decided to go on holiday to visit my brothers overseas and left me alone in the house for 2 months with no money/food etc. Saying that I had to rely on my own savings. And if I wanted to go on holiday I would have to pay for it myself and that they would no longer give me any financial help. They had no money they said though in part they got money for selling the lease and the monthly rent which they will receive.
With virtually no money I decided to pawn a few things here and sell a few things on eBay which got me some money to tide away. Also at this point I was applying for jobs and getting selected for face to face interviews but couldn't get passed the next stage which made me feel down and depressed and even suicidal. Eventually the dark voice in my head returned and I turned to gambling I managed to get some money off my brother that he owed me and gambled that over away over 2 weeks. Then as I started digging a bigger hole and a bigger hole I managed to access a ISA account that my mother held for me and within the last 2-3 weeks I have used up half of the money in the account. This has affected my relationship with my on/off gf of 6 years though I don't live with her and I don't contribute to her finances. But I have been moody and negative and preoccupied with other things rather than concentrating on her ( She doesn't know that I have started gambling again) but she has been unsupportive in general about how I feel. Being a single mother often it is me that pays for the meals and I suppose another reason why I started again though I think it's just a excuse.
Where does it bring me now? I can't continue like this anymore...ultimately it will destroy everything in my path. I am afraid if I continue I will eventually get into a bigger mess which would lead me to do something criminal. Also if I continue and I become bankrupt then it will mean that I will be unable to get a job in the financial sector. So today it's been the second day I have been gamble free and I will try my best to fight the addiction. I want to have a family and be happy but how can I if this complusive disease has taken over my life and how I feel. My parents come back tomorrow but I am dreading the moment when they will definitely ask to see the bank statements as I have let them down many times. My father seems to have a sixth sense that I would do it again and never recover from it. I also have a job interview tomorrow and I feel stressed about that as well but I really need a job in order to continue with my recovery. It maybe that I will be able to get warehouse temp work with a online retailer for a couple of months as well.
Today I will go to the Post Office and get photos to put on self exclusion forms for the 4 branches of the bookmakers I frequent. I know that the form is shared but I will go to everyone so that they will recognise me and exclude me from the shop. I need to stop even as I type the voice in the back of my mind is saying just play just play you're gonna win back some of it. It's the same voice that tells me I'm worthless and my life has no meaning and for me to take the rope I have in the garage. I have managed to push the suicidal thoughts away but why not the urge to gamble?
For today I will not gamble and it's been 2 days...
A sad but familiar story, you like the rest of us on here need to stop and stop now. We can all do this, we know what we should do, keep posting and keep strong.
Yesterday was supposed to be my second day of being gambling free but on my way to the bookmakers to self exclude. I made a bad error of judgement I lingered and played the FOBT again. There were several occasions when I could have left with my original stake and this pattern occurred. Lost, Up to Original Stake, Lost, Lost and then Up to Original stake, Lost down to last £200, lost and up to original stake, lost and finally back up to original stake . In total I spent about 5.5 hours in the bookmakers and at the end of this I decided I finally needed to self exclude and spoke to the person behind the counter. I did say to him that I needed to stop before I did something silly like smashing the machines screen. He did advise that if I did do that I would be facing a criminal charge and banned obviously the outcome I wanted but not the charge. He did show me a folder and I did notice it had a lot of sheets in it so the problems seems to be a epidemic especially in the case of FOBTS.
One thing I did notice was that person that I knew and didn't gamble had come in the shop a second time. I didn't know whether he had a gambling addiction but he played the slots. On his way out he gave me some chit chat and said he only played the slots but he had been lucky on this occasion and had been on a run. It just goes to show that gambling can affect anyone and perhaps whereas a individual could put £20-40 and walk away with a couple of hundred pounds profit I can but I return day after day and this means the odds are heavily stacked aginst you.
Yesterday I had a face to face interview for a job and on the way back home I made a detour and went in to the particular bookmakers again. I don't know if the trigger is stress but I should have went home then down to the post office and got passport photos to self exclude. Instead I rode the rollercoaster of gambling again from winning, losing, winning then losing it all. Then getting more money from the bank and then losing, winning and then winning...which is where I walked up being £200 up.
Today I also got bad news that I wasn't successful for the job and this left me feeling a bit down and depressed. I had the money in my pocket from yesterday. Instead of putting all the money back into the bank and going to the post office to get those passport photos I made another bad decision again. I rode the rollercoaster again so from winning, losing, losing, losing, losing, winning to losing. I eventually lost all the money that I had including my winnings but this didn't stop me and I went again to the bank to get what little money I had left. Played a couple of more spins and left and I FINALLY decided I needed to stop this madness!!! I went to the post office and spent £5 on those passport photos and I went to all the bookmakers that I frequent and self excluded! Instead of doing one form I went to each shop individually and completed a form for each shop plus on one I asked for the regional manager to phone me so I can exclude from all shops in other areas. I finally admitted to myself that I have NO control over myself when it comes to gambling. Though the man did ask me if I had self excluded from other bookmakers. For the record it's only l*******s that I go to as they have the classic roulette that I like and it's the game that my delusional mind thinks I know the formula for?
Very honest account Jopski. I think you did very good to start with self-exclusion. Admitting you can't contorl this on your own is a big step. Many of us (if not all) have been there. Well I am there now 🙂 So you're not alone buddy. Hang in there.
Hi Jopski and welcome to the site.
Firstly I want to say that voice in your head is a liar. You are not worthless and your life does have meaning. This is what gambling does to us. I'm also a rational person, yet for some reason I've been sucked into this warped world too (slots are my downfall) and for the life of me I can't work out how or why or even when it happened. I doubt I'll ever fully understand it.
Yesterday was a bad day, You walked away up but don't let that fool you. I know stopping isn't easy but for compulsive gamblers its the only way. Someone said to me 'you can't win because you can't stop' I think it hits the nail on the head and it's the voice I'm trying my hardest to listen to.
You've made no mention of gambling today so that's good, day 1 almost over. Well done. Good luck for day 2, stay strong.
Jess
Sorry Jopski, your new post came through as I was writing mine.
So today didn't go as planned and I'm sorry to hear about the job.
But you've made positive steps by excluding yourself, well done. Day 1 begins again but you can do it, hang in there
Jess
Thank you Faustus for your support and kind words. For a while I actually thought there wasn't anyone reading my diary. I knew I had to STOP but the voices in my head kept saying just play once more and you will win!!! For when I decided to self exlude in my mind I made three trips to l*******s. 1st trip I won back my original stake. 2nd trip yesterday I was £200 up. Today I put in all in so in the end the bookie man is the utlimate winner. Overall in the long run the bookie has been the winner as I have ploughed in all winnings plus more back into their dreaded FOBT. Thinking about it makes me feel sick as I could have done a lot with the money. It's money that was meant for my future that my parents had saved in a passbook ISA which was supposed to be accessed by the book only. But in my moment of madness I discovered that I could transfer money from it to another account.
Thanks JM24 for your kind words and support and today is a new beginning as I try and stop gambling. The first measure is to SELF EXCLUDE from all l*******s shops that I normally go to plus in the regional manager phones me more shops in other areas...Out of the three shops one person was not happy that I was SELF EXCLUDING by the expression on her face but I felt the other main shop. The guys knew I had a genuine problem and hopefully now it means that I will no longer be able to gamble.
GAMCARE was supposed to pass my details to the RCA TRUST so I could get counselling so if I don't get a call from them at the end of this week I will chase up GAMCARE again.
I need to find ways of banishing the voice in my head that tells me to play that I can win...it's the same voice that told me today that I was a useless loser and not worthy of getting a job or doing anything in my life... Maybe now that I have SELF EXCLUDED I can find ways of not feeding the voice and it will die away. I doubt the voice will stop but instead it will try and make me feel worthless...Perhaps I need to seek my GP help and get anti depressants as well, maybe try and control the voices in my head.
Jopski, you gotta start letting go the money that's already lost.. Thoughts of x amount up x amount down, winning back, etc, these have to stay in the past. It's the same thing for us all. Don't think that I'm telling you these things from a position of supremacy. No. I too have to exercise these remedies. Look forward and only forward. I am trying for my part.
all the best buddy. hang in there
Hey Jopski, just wanted to check in before your first full day gambling free to let you know I'm rooting for you today.
I can't agree with Fa enough, you have to try to let go of the money that's been won and lost. The reality is its gone and it isn't coming back remember. It's a never ending cycle that we need to break. We can't win because we can't stop.
Try to stay busy as much as you can. Read a book, watch some tv, clean the house from top to bottom, wash and iron the bed sheets (if you're anything like me that'll take hours!) Do anything that keeps your brain occupied. Avoid the temptation as much as you can. What I found helped me early on (and I'm still only on day 8 so I'm by no means an expert) is reading other people's diaries. You'll realise you're not alone, we are all fighting this horrible addiction together but you'll also find some amazing stories that show it is possible to come out the other side and how much happier you can feel about yourself.
Be kind to yourself today and when that voice begins to tell you that you're worthless and your life has no meaning, remember it is lying to you. You can be strong and you are worth far more than you think.
Take care my friend, I'll try to check in with you as much as I can today
Jess
Thanks JM24 for today I haven't gambled at all but the voices in my head are still there niggling away like a itch. Saying that I should try play once more and I will be able to win back some money. But since I have self excluded I know I cannot go back to play these dreaded FOBT machines especially from this particular bookmakers.
Today I have not gambled but of course the aftermath of this is that I will have a lot of explaining to do. My mother wants to see the bank statements of one account and once she sees that then all hell will break loose. The last time it happened I felt this sense of dread and horror and when the truth came out it was not pretty. They beat me up with whatever they had to hand and threw me out of the house for one night. So I am not sure what I can do and I am not sure whether I can be forgiven this time. The amount is about the same as my last relapse and I don't know what to do? Should I tell them the truth completely and ask for forgiveness or try and conceal what I can?
Today when I thought about it I should have self excluded when the sums involved was £XXX now its £XXXX and there is no way I can hide or try and conceal this from them. I don't know what to do? I am tortured by the fact that I have let them down again and that I need their forgiveness. As for trust I don't know if I can ever be trusted again...
The voice in the head is trying to get me to go away and not come back to take the easy way out...I'm not sure what to do???
Hi and well done on not gambling today.
Your post both concerns and scares me. No one should live in fear of being beaten. Do you have a friend you could stay with maybe? Even if it's just for a few days to give you time to speak to someone and clear your head a bit.
Unfortunately, this is beyond any of my experience. Have you thought about calling gamcare and speaking to one of their counsellors? Even your GP should be able to help. They'll be able to offer far better advice than I can or at least know who would be the best person to speak to. You shouldn't go through this alone and I think due to your personal circumstances you need to talk things through with a professional. Please make that call and speak to someone who can begin to help you
Hang in there my friend
Jess
Jopski, I know exactly what you mean when you say you're scared of how loved ones will erupt and the other voice in your head tells you to escape it.. Personally I always found that the hardest thing is the mountain of immediate reactions to deal with, be it from the loved ones or creditors on whom I may default... Stoppin ggambling has never seemed the hard thing to do. Stopping and then dealing with the aftermath is harder. That's exactly where I am now. Trying to calm my wife down on a daily/hourly basis and writing to creditors, and searching for pocket money at the same time. That's hard. But the fact remains these issues won't go away if I gamble. I am the one who will have to deal with it all. And I am doing just that. No other course of action is realistic.
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