I will no longer allow gambling to ruin my life….

@deborah270882 Hey Deborah, thank you so much for your concern and I completely agree with you. However, I did not try to get these payday loans. My partner did. If I’d known, I’d have stopped him and he knew that so he didn’t tell me. Tbh, him trying to help me has only made me feel worse but his passion is really driving me to not fail him again. So let’s see. Like you I have been gambling, relapsing and repeating for 30 odd years. At some point, like you, I am hoping for the cycle to end. Why not this time.
Due to not having control of my finances I did attempt to get a personal loan from a well known lender with low interest. If I am successful (unlikely), I’ll insist he pays the payday loans off as well as clears my most imminent high interest debts and I’ll have one manageable monthly repayment to pay back. Stepchange may end up being my only option but why should companies suffer shortfalls on money they’ve given me IF I can find a way to pay it back in full. These sorts of services are for people that truly need it but I may not if I just stop gambling. Anyway, I really do thank you again. It’s nice to know people on here look out for each other and I wish you all the best during your recovery. 80 days is MEGA!! Xx

Hi EM i resonate with your story from the early days of gambling fortunately my addiction was all landbased from pub bandits to bookies arcades and Casinos like u my addiction started when i too started playing the £250 fruit machines however it went worse when i started going bookies and started playing fobt and going Casinos as i went with a group of people we started  giving each other money this went on for a few years and few of them were gambling addict like me i never took loans out just a case of scrapping pay days my last relapse was the worst of the worst has i took a 5k loan out and made the decision to recover my last salary the way i blew it was wake up call and that was my turning point i was already a member of gamcare at that point however i never commented i decide to ring helpline number did everthing asked and joined the chatroom since that day i have managed to remain gamble free thats 694 days without a bet coming on here i took advice on board and i knew major changes need be implemented my way of thinking was i hate spending my own money on stuff and i would only buy the odd stuff the gambling so called winnings and that feeling it gave me yet the thousands lost would all be forgotten yet i would be thrilled winning few hundred pound, what worked for me was finding value i now have a new hobby which i am passionate about and it actually scares me now their are times i enjoyed going casino i learnt i like talking to new people so i go to events cinema and get the same feeling im always going to be an addict and i am fully aware my brain doesnt function properly when i gambled so the only way out is value the life i have now i can go places financially i am far better then the 18 years i gambled as i had nothing to show for it and lived miserably the temptation is always going to be their as am quite vulnerable so in my case has long as i am aware of it i can keep living the new life even if it mean sacrificing few hours a week on here 

Day 4

The days seem to dragging and going by so slowly. It’s hard to stay motivated. I keep looking at my A4 pad where I’ve scribbled down all of my losses and a monthly plan to pay everything back. Only one problem with this plan, I don’t have a job!!! Therefore I have no income to start hitting this debt.

I decided not to sit around moping today but instead to apply to as many jobs as I could. I also finally did some housework and laundry which was seriously overdue.

I had ran out of milk but because I don’t have access to any money, I couldn’t pop out and get any. I feel like a child. My partner has said if I make it to a week GF, I can have a small amount of money at my disposal in case I need anything. As patronising as this is, I understand that in the early stages of big losses, I cannot have access to any money as I’m too volatile.

It is what it is. Onwards to day 5, this time I’m going all the way. Not just for me but for the people I love!

Em x

@tazman Hey Taz!

Thank you for commenting. Everytime somebody resonates, I feel less alone and isolated. I actually think I remember you from a few years back on here and what an achievement getting to 694 days!! I’m going to put a reminder in my diary to make sure I find your journal and congratulate you on the big 700!! 

Yes I started in landbase. On one armed bandits moving to fobt(s) mainly playing roulette. No matter what I play/ gamble, I can never do any of it in moderation and I’m accepting after decades of the same s*** that it’s not going to get better unless I just stop. The amount I’ve lost in the last 2 weeks alone is eye watering so I know that the first 2 weeks are going to be hell trying to push aside the urge to chase my loss. 

I don’t know Taz, something feels different this time. I can’t let my partner down again. I want to be better for the people that depend on me and look up to me. This is a mental addiction but my body is sometimes crawling and I feel nauseas due to how strong the craving is to gamble. I feel slightly crazy… I don’t know, sorry for rambling… Thanks again for posting

By coming on here its a daily reminder what my life was like it hard for a non gamblier to understand the funny thing was it always went the same way and i just knew the outcome and the odd time i clawed back my losses i was already planning the next bet it simply wasent enough towards the end i was getting sick off and i even made a plan in place if i get to x amount i will just quit i now know if i magically was given every penny back i simply wouldnt be able to stop coming on here made me realise i cant change my past i will always be vulnerable as an addict their far too many places even with the block in place i can find a way to gamble so i need to take more measures i did manage 3 years previously however i was always vulnerable and now i understand the importance what single bet can do i have relapsed when i had no intention of gambling one thing led to another i simply cannot take any chances so when i do feel vulnerable i get myself on here and spend time on here which keeps the temptation away im greatfull the urgues have settled took arround 6 weeks just to start enjoying stuff and being normal again after many attempts i have realised its the early days are the hardest once u get past this my advice is continue on this support the addiction never goes away so awareness is key and another girl who manage some time and thought she was cured i was exactly same i took it for granted and i actually went even worse its like the addiction came with a vengence as i have already experienced  this i now look at as a postive