In a bet there is a fool and a thief

Day 1 start's now,I've muddled through all year thinking I can have small flutter,but we all know what that leads to.

Gambling has me licked,I have no control whilst gambling,it's all I think about,I've had enough.

I have a young family,throwing away money,wasting precious time is not an option.
It's time to put the barriers back up,I do not want to gamble anymore.

For the first time in a long time I've spent time in a bookies,I normally bet on line,it such a depressing experience,never again.
I feel for the poor souls in there.

Im goin to enjoy recovery,I have to or it won't work.

Another few weeks gamble free, but still thoughts of future gambling thoughts haunt me.

I'm getting by day to day, a little promise to myself a small bet at ascot, pre season footy bet, cricket World Cup bet, it keeps me going, or keeps me stuck in the cycle.

Why do I want to put myself through more grief? 

I have thoughts of making gambling pay, 30 years of experience has gotta count for something, all those years studying, different systems etc.

I know it's all rubbish, 30 years of pain and misery should teach myself gambling is poison.

A day at a time.

Hi

Good for you another few weeks gamble free and not causing your self pains and fears you found hard to live with.

I do not fret about the future or gambling I will face tomorrow when it gets here.

Just for today only I will not gamble, yes very simple just for today only I will not gamble, 

Recovery is healing our pains by day to day.

That single small bet can be devistating and have long term pains and losses you do not want in your life today.

Yes why do you want to put your self through more pain fears frustrations loneliness and grief?

You have thoughts of making gambling pay, yes sure you will get more pains more fears and more frustrations loneliness and grief?

After 20 years of pain and misery should teach me gambling is self sabotage.

JUST for day I will not gamble a day at a time.

Love and peace to every one

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham UK

Another couple of weeks passed, it's true you get stronger day by day, especially when you overcome urges.

In a good place at the moment, no intention of gambling for the foreseeable.

Been watching a lot of you tube stories on problem gambling, everything i can relate to, little quotes have stuck in my head, Paul merson said whilst being interviewed 'as soon as he put that 1st  bet on, he thought "what the hell did I do that for". 

That simple quote makes my stomach churn, it brings back that sinking feeling I felt after I put that initial bet on. It was never a good feeling, no pleasure was felt.

We all know  that 1st bet leads to an episode that maybe last a few weeks but would always end up in tears.

22 years I've been in recovery, its probably the 1st time I've tried to figure out why I gamble?

Growing up gambling was a way of life, always played cards, penny up the wall, sweepstakes before moving on to horses etc. I had a happy childhood, fun times as a teenager before gambling took its toll in my early 20's when things got out of hand.

Nothing drove me to gamble, just the dopamine buzz of chasing that win, chasing the losses.

In later life I blame gambling for the lack of career opportunities I should of had, too much time wasted.

Vicious circle really, lack of opportunity's drove me to gamble, too much gambling took away the opportunity's. 

My conclusion is boredom is my root cause, keeping busy the remedy.

Hi

Good thing you are sticking with your recovery you are worth it.

It is nice to be in a good head space at the moment,

You have no intention of gambling just for today that is very healthy and powerful of you.

Yes, understanding our emotional triggers is empowering to us.

You say that sinking feeling some might say that was depression taking over.

22 years you have been in recovery, that is how much you value yourself well done.

The word meaning recovery to me means healing process.

Once we get honest with our self the door opens to another healthier life.

No more causing our self-pain fears frustration’s and feeling such a loner filled with guilt pain and regret.

This the 1st time you have tried to figure out why I gamble?

That is very powerful for you and your family keep it up.

Growing up gambling was a way of me running away in fear from myself and my family.

The higher the risks the bigger the buzz or the adrenaline rush.

By our sharing at deeper levels, we get to understand our self and make alternative choices in our life.

No more self-abuse.

I was traumatized much before I was 8 years of age.

Very sad fact too much time wasted by unhealthy habits and not being able to heal my pains.

Yet for me every unhealthy habits exchanged into healthy habits was empowering to me.

Yes, very vicious cruel self-destructive cycle really, now I know see and feel those things I use to think was happiness was in fact were self-destructive days.

My conclusion also is that boredom was just one of my emotional triggers.

By being me being more productive and motivated in healthy ways I am able to make healthier choices in my everyday life.

For me keeping busy productive yet not obsessive is important for me today.

How much do I value myself today?

Love and peace to everyone

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham UK

Hi Trigger

Was reading through your diary and can relate to your experiences. Wishing you all the strength and courage to come through your struggles.

Cheers

Hi

I think the wording fool and a thief is not very kind or healthy to any one.

I now understand going to the gambling was an escape in my fears.

I was for sure very emotionally vulnerable I was not a fool and a thief.

I lied and decieved to escape facing myself.

Sadly I had a conscience but the fears were so great in me that I would say or do any thing to escape in my fears.

Once we are seriously in to the recovery program I no longer want to live in lies or fears.

My desire to live a healthy life is far greater than wanting to self destruct myself.

I think our wording as being healthy or unhealthy we can possibity of change seeing that way.

Love and peace to everyone.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham UK

Gamble free days are rolling along, the odd urge is soon nullified by thoughts of what's the point?  Winning would only snowball by the inevitable loss and depression.

How come I can see things in so black and white now?

The title of my recovery diary obviously refers to the thief being the bookie,  legalised crooks.

A long while since I wrote on my diary.

Currently 300 days gamble free, had a bit of blip during the world cup, and 2 crappy bets at the start of year, wouldn't even call them a session, so all in all pretty much gamble free since April last year.

To be honest lost interest in gambling, kept myself busy all year. Still think something is missing in life, the buzz of being in action is replaced by a more placid life, I've gotta be content with that, and not forget all the mood swings and grief that comes with gambling.

It really is a life battle.

Day 1, but really day 4470 since I joined gamcare or day 8395 since I first went to ga. I'm reluctant to dwell on my latest failure, it's part of my journey to deal with this addiction.

My gamstop exclusion expired after 5 years, what a life saving invention gamstop is, it works,  try as I might to get round it I couldn't, through the 5 years I found many non gamstop firms, basically they are rubbish, some didn't pay out, the stress in verification was always painfull, I would never touch any gambling company out of the UK jurisdiction, scams.

To their credit most of the bookmakers I had accounts wouldn't re open my account, I'd permanently excluded.

The past year has been great, 300 odd days gamble free, I knew the expiration of gamstop was coming up.

I did have fantasys I could control my gambling, I just wanted to lay bets,  none of the exchange companies would re open my account,  the temptation to dip my toe in the water was too great. I always knew after a loss I would sign up to gamstop for 5 years, which is what happened.

An evening sesh of gambling brought bk all the old feelings, I hated it, physically it made me feel sick.

Every bet basically lost, 3 times I was a millisecond too late in recouping what id lost. I even stooped as low to playing roulette and slots, not my thing, what a mind numbing depressing experience that was, they ain't  fixed are they!!

I think I wanted to make my session as depressing as possible.

No thoughts of trying to recoup my money today, it's gone, it's impossible and winning is the worst poison.

Hopefully my dopamine levels will return to an equilibrium shortly.

The stress and grief trying to deposit, verify was enough.

I'm relieved this episode is over, I can now move on with my life, life is good. Last nite I was moody, stressed, I wasted money, but worst of all I wasted a day on gambling, all my energies were consumed by gambling sites.

Blocks are bk on, I've been living gamble free for too long, I like it.

Advice for any1 coming to the end of their exclusion,  on gamstop, re sign up straight away it's just not worth it.

Hi @trigger, very powerful testimony from you. Thank you for sharing with the forum, it sounds as if the lapse has left you rocked. Do keep going with your recovery, congratulations on identifying what needed to be done to protect you and following through with that. As you point out your dopamine levels need to re adjust so the next few days may feel tricky, so reach out to supportive loved ones and we are here for you. Helpline is 24 hours 0808 8020 133, chatrooms are daily.  All the best to you. Jane Forum Admin

Hi

I was told that each time I went back to gambling was a lesson I could learn from.

In time I got to understand what my emotional triggers were.

It is not helpful to beat our self up or call our self names.

I went to more meetings each time I went back to gambling it ceertainly helped.

It helped me to not only write down a list of my needs my wans and my goals.

One of my emotional triggers were boredom.

So I became more productive with my time and my thinking.

I hope you are able to heal your pains and find a muchhealthier life.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham 

Thanks Dave,

Weird day yesterday, a busy day. Feeling a bit down, disappointed I donated my hard earned cash to the devil. I'm convincing myself the money lost is my 5 year subscription to gamstop. Glad I had the courage to stop when I did, I had plenty more funds available as I've absconded from gambling for so long.

It really was a rude awakening yesterday, a reminder all the good intentions of just betting on a certain event go out the window when I'm in a zone. I wish I could replay my betting pattern- I started of with some sort of logic, a wager on the cricket, a t20 game, things were going my way, cash out was never not quite enough, greed sets in, and eventually I cash out for a pittance, chasing then starts with no logic, a bet on horse fav that gets declined because the race was off, - a missed winner, I then turn to a greyhound race, same thing happens by the time I make up my mind the race is off, another winner missed. Annoyed I can't wait, I turn to the live roulette,  50/50 chances were never my fortee! The Stakes and odds then get a bit higher, football bet on no goalscorer,  cash out again was never enough,  the greed in me wouldn't let me take the profit. I then go to tennis/snooker and the last bet a cricket bet, a player to score a certain amount of runs only to be bowled 1st ball. I know I had bad luck, but really it was good luck, winning would of been the worst, I would still be action now and the Stakes would have been higher.

I am useless when it comes to gambling all the pre conceived opinions, thoughts of a logical bet go out the window. I cannot do it, it is poison to me.

Having surplus funds is a bit foreign to me, something I've never had through my life. The need to keep a secret (just in case) stash, I'm by no means rich but after a lifetime of living in debt or on the breadline its been nice to not have a zero or minus balance.

I suppose my gambling and money obsessing go hand in hand. I transfer money to a joint savings/ bill account every week, I don't need a lot of money to live on. I need a new obsession an aim in life, that's where my energy and thoughts need to concentrate on.

Busy day today, and just for today I shall not gamble.

All logic went out the window today, the need to recover my losses fron Thursday was too much. I itched that scratch, some independent bookmakers are not covered by gamstop, why not??  I know I can't win, it doesn't make me feel good, so disappointed in myself.

Giving up does get easier, I'm not missing out on anything, football,  cricket,  racing will still exist even if I don't put money on. I've gotta accept the fact I've gotta start again, those urges have resurfaced again.

I can't have money at my disposal, I'm totally excluded now, I will phone moses to renew later, don't want to go down that road of visiting bookmakers,  that is totally depressing.

It was comical today, I got all I deserved,  trying to recoup £20 from a £50 bet perfectic, horse went clear only to buckle on landing, I know it happens all time,  it's like the gods are telling for f##ks sake just give up will ya.

Worrying thing after obviously chasing that 50 the anger was so great I ended up biting my arm, uncontrollable anger that escalated into wanted to bet as quickly as possible on the next event

I'm putting up all my old blocks, scratching out cv2 on my debit card, had enough. 

Hi

It took me time to learn to invest more time in the meetings and to write things down

Going back to gambling just indicated I still had certain emotional triggers.

The simple truth was I knew I could not recover on my own.

It took me lots and lots of meetings and more and meetings after meetings to get what my recovery was all about.

Money was just the fuel for my addiction.

Money alone was never going to heal my pains.

Money alone was never going to reduce my fears.

There came a time when going to meeting was done out of pleasure and understanding.

A time came going to meeting that I would arrive half and hour early.

By arriving early I was aware that I was more relaxed and much less stressed out.

No one stressed me out, it was my unhealthy reaction to people life adn situations which was my responsability.

Being stressed out fear based issues.

Love peace and healing to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham