In a bet there is a fool and a thief

Day 1 start's now,I've muddled through all year thinking I can have small flutter,but we all know what that leads to.

Gambling has me licked,I have no control whilst gambling,it's all I think about,I've had enough.

I have a young family,throwing away money,wasting precious time is not an option.
It's time to put the barriers back up,I do not want to gamble anymore.

For the first time in a long time I've spent time in a bookies,I normally bet on line,it such a depressing experience,never again.
I feel for the poor souls in there.

Im goin to enjoy recovery,I have to or it won't work.

Another few weeks gamble free, but still thoughts of future gambling thoughts haunt me.

I'm getting by day to day, a little promise to myself a small bet at ascot, pre season footy bet, cricket World Cup bet, it keeps me going, or keeps me stuck in the cycle.

Why do I want to put myself through more grief? 

I have thoughts of making gambling pay, 30 years of experience has gotta count for something, all those years studying, different systems etc.

I know it's all rubbish, 30 years of pain and misery should teach myself gambling is poison.

A day at a time.

Another couple of weeks passed, it's true you get stronger day by day, especially when you overcome urges.

In a good place at the moment, no intention of gambling for the foreseeable.

Been watching a lot of you tube stories on problem gambling, everything i can relate to, little quotes have stuck in my head, Paul merson said whilst being interviewed 'as soon as he put that 1st  bet on, he thought "what the hell did I do that for". 

That simple quote makes my stomach churn, it brings back that sinking feeling I felt after I put that initial bet on. It was never a good feeling, no pleasure was felt.

We all know  that 1st bet leads to an episode that maybe last a few weeks but would always end up in tears.

22 years I've been in recovery, its probably the 1st time I've tried to figure out why I gamble?

Growing up gambling was a way of life, always played cards, penny up the wall, sweepstakes before moving on to horses etc. I had a happy childhood, fun times as a teenager before gambling took its toll in my early 20's when things got out of hand.

Nothing drove me to gamble, just the dopamine buzz of chasing that win, chasing the losses.

In later life I blame gambling for the lack of career opportunities I should of had, too much time wasted.

Vicious circle really, lack of opportunity's drove me to gamble, too much gambling took away the opportunity's. 

My conclusion is boredom is my root cause, keeping busy the remedy.

Hi Trigger

Was reading through your diary and can relate to your experiences. Wishing you all the strength and courage to come through your struggles.

Cheers

Gamble free days are rolling along, the odd urge is soon nullified by thoughts of what's the point?  Winning would only snowball by the inevitable loss and depression.

How come I can see things in so black and white now?

The title of my recovery diary obviously refers to the thief being the bookie,  legalised crooks.

A long while since I wrote on my diary.

Currently 300 days gamble free, had a bit of blip during the world cup, and 2 crappy bets at the start of year, wouldn't even call them a session, so all in all pretty much gamble free since April last year.

To be honest lost interest in gambling, kept myself busy all year. Still think something is missing in life, the buzz of being in action is replaced by a more placid life, I've gotta be content with that, and not forget all the mood swings and grief that comes with gambling.

It really is a life battle.

Day 1, but really day 4470 since I joined gamcare or day 8395 since I first went to ga. I'm reluctant to dwell on my latest failure, it's part of my journey to deal with this addiction.

My gamstop exclusion expired after 5 years, what a life saving invention gamstop is, it works,  try as I might to get round it I couldn't, through the 5 years I found many non gamstop firms, basically they are rubbish, some didn't pay out, the stress in verification was always painfull, I would never touch any gambling company out of the UK jurisdiction, scams.

To their credit most of the bookmakers I had accounts wouldn't re open my account, I'd permanently excluded.

The past year has been great, 300 odd days gamble free, I knew the expiration of gamstop was coming up.

I did have fantasys I could control my gambling, I just wanted to lay bets,  none of the exchange companies would re open my account,  the temptation to dip my toe in the water was too great. I always knew after a loss I would sign up to gamstop for 5 years, which is what happened.

An evening sesh of gambling brought bk all the old feelings, I hated it, physically it made me feel sick.

Every bet basically lost, 3 times I was a millisecond too late in recouping what id lost. I even stooped as low to playing roulette and slots, not my thing, what a mind numbing depressing experience that was, they ain't  fixed are they!!

I think I wanted to make my session as depressing as possible.

No thoughts of trying to recoup my money today, it's gone, it's impossible and winning is the worst poison.

Hopefully my dopamine levels will return to an equilibrium shortly.

The stress and grief trying to deposit, verify was enough.

I'm relieved this episode is over, I can now move on with my life, life is good. Last nite I was moody, stressed, I wasted money, but worst of all I wasted a day on gambling, all my energies were consumed by gambling sites.

Blocks are bk on, I've been living gamble free for too long, I like it.

Advice for any1 coming to the end of their exclusion,  on gamstop, re sign up straight away it's just not worth it.

Hi @trigger, very powerful testimony from you. Thank you for sharing with the forum, it sounds as if the lapse has left you rocked. Do keep going with your recovery, congratulations on identifying what needed to be done to protect you and following through with that. As you point out your dopamine levels need to re adjust so the next few days may feel tricky, so reach out to supportive loved ones and we are here for you. Helpline is 24 hours 0808 8020 133, chatrooms are daily.  All the best to you. Jane Forum Admin

Thanks Dave,

Weird day yesterday, a busy day. Feeling a bit down, disappointed I donated my hard earned cash to the devil. I'm convincing myself the money lost is my 5 year subscription to gamstop. Glad I had the courage to stop when I did, I had plenty more funds available as I've absconded from gambling for so long.

It really was a rude awakening yesterday, a reminder all the good intentions of just betting on a certain event go out the window when I'm in a zone. I wish I could replay my betting pattern- I started of with some sort of logic, a wager on the cricket, a t20 game, things were going my way, cash out was never not quite enough, greed sets in, and eventually I cash out for a pittance, chasing then starts with no logic, a bet on horse fav that gets declined because the race was off, - a missed winner, I then turn to a greyhound race, same thing happens by the time I make up my mind the race is off, another winner missed. Annoyed I can't wait, I turn to the live roulette,  50/50 chances were never my fortee! The Stakes and odds then get a bit higher, football bet on no goalscorer,  cash out again was never enough,  the greed in me wouldn't let me take the profit. I then go to tennis/snooker and the last bet a cricket bet, a player to score a certain amount of runs only to be bowled 1st ball. I know I had bad luck, but really it was good luck, winning would of been the worst, I would still be action now and the Stakes would have been higher.

I am useless when it comes to gambling all the pre conceived opinions, thoughts of a logical bet go out the window. I cannot do it, it is poison to me.

Having surplus funds is a bit foreign to me, something I've never had through my life. The need to keep a secret (just in case) stash, I'm by no means rich but after a lifetime of living in debt or on the breadline its been nice to not have a zero or minus balance.

I suppose my gambling and money obsessing go hand in hand. I transfer money to a joint savings/ bill account every week, I don't need a lot of money to live on. I need a new obsession an aim in life, that's where my energy and thoughts need to concentrate on.

Busy day today, and just for today I shall not gamble.

All logic went out the window today, the need to recover my losses fron Thursday was too much. I itched that scratch, some independent bookmakers are not covered by gamstop, why not??  I know I can't win, it doesn't make me feel good, so disappointed in myself.

Giving up does get easier, I'm not missing out on anything, football,  cricket,  racing will still exist even if I don't put money on. I've gotta accept the fact I've gotta start again, those urges have resurfaced again.

I can't have money at my disposal, I'm totally excluded now, I will phone moses to renew later, don't want to go down that road of visiting bookmakers,  that is totally depressing.

It was comical today, I got all I deserved,  trying to recoup £20 from a £50 bet perfectic, horse went clear only to buckle on landing, I know it happens all time,  it's like the gods are telling for f##ks sake just give up will ya.

Worrying thing after obviously chasing that 50 the anger was so great I ended up biting my arm, uncontrollable anger that escalated into wanted to bet as quickly as possible on the next event

I'm putting up all my old blocks, scratching out cv2 on my debit card, had enough. 

The illusion that gambling is fun got me. I've been holding onto to the need to have a gamble. Thinking gamble is a pleasure. There is no pleasure in gambling.

Whilst not gambling I've often thought I'm missing out on something I use to enjoy, then when I get the chance to gamble it only delivers stress, anxiety misery, no laughter, no satisfaction,  its a lonely act.

Gambling has caused the thought of fear of not being able to gamble again. I've got to keep sane and remember I'm not missing out on anything good , gambling is poison,  it was not fun, complete opposite.

310 days gamble free and basically I've held on to the fact that once my gamstop exclusion had expired I can re enter the fantasy gambling world again, win back all my past losses. Go back to the happy gambling, just a tenner on the footy at the weekend, lay horses, trade for a living.

It was never going to happen, my mindset has got to remember gambling is no fun, virtually impossible to win, and winning is more dangerous than losing.

I'm not giving up anything fun or good, just for today I shall not gamble.

I've been listening to Allen carrs book again, probably bout the 8th time I've read it, found it inspirational today, feeling very up beat, genuinely feel free, free from the shackles of gambling.

I have no need to gamble, feels like getting the all clear from a major disease. Gambling is not fun, not pleasurable,  I no longer need or want to gamble.

All blocks moses including the pilot scheme of 200 shops monitoring exclusions as well, great thing they don't tell you which 200 shops, gamstop signed up for 5 years, all independent bookies I had accounts with also excluded for 5 years.

Onwards and upwards.

I'm glad I got back straight back on the wagon, I've been pretty upbeat, in fact feel quite euphoric knowing I'm no longer a slave to gambling.

Even tho I abstained for 310 days this year it was always in the back of my mind I'd go bk to gambling, now I know I'm not missing anything, no pleasure.

I encourage anyone just quitting to read or listen to Allen carrs 'easy way to stop gambling' basically just talks sense.

Just checking in still gamble free. Honestly have no inclination to gamble, really doesnt interest me.

Feels like I was possessed in the past, I've distant myself from gambling, the thought of losing or even winning a tenner is terrifying.

Never give up on giving up, I just don't think I was ready to fully give up in the past. I've realised the fantasy of actually making money from gambling is fantasy.

 

300 up, not been counting days as non gambling is the norm now. I keep myself busy, I have a few new hobbies, but nothing replicates the buzz of gambling, I think it's why I found it so hard to quit in the past, all the excitement of watching sports is enhanced by gambling.

England playing at the moment,  I've no interest in watching,  prefer to watch countryfile. As they say it matters more when there's money on it.

Luckily I realise you can never win and it always ends in tears