is there any more to lose?

28black,hmmmm very stressful times indeed mate..great news about them pay day loans mate and well done for not gambling..some may have crumbled in your position but you are proving strong enough to beat the demons mate..well done..

Hi 28...

You do seem to be having so many difficult situations to contend with. I can't relate to any of them so I don't want to pretend to understand when I can't. I could only offer practical advice like not watching TV in a betting shop! Come on now, you know better! I am sure you must have a friend or family member (perhaps your sister) you could go to instead. Giving up gambling has got to be about removing all temptations and taking it seriously. You don't want to be tempted to go back, especially at this stage of your recovery. You are doing SO WELL and many people tell you this all the time because its the truth. You have this immense inner strength that you can tap into as and when you need to and with all the stressful things going on in your life it is nothing short of a miracle that you remain so strong. May I suggest forgetting about watching a football match anyway? You could go out for a walk along the river instead, either on your own or with your partner, maybe with a friend or family members? Just be peaceful and collect your thoughts and focus on the more important things to be done. I am sure there is a lot you could do around the new home to make it easier on your mum. You could even look for extra part time work, maybe at a local supermarket? Anything to keep you occupied. Make that the last time you walk into a betting shop ... for any reason.

Remain strong and be proud of yourself. Everyone else is.

Always in my thoughts,

Simon.

thanks very much winning post and simon40. i can't stress just how much it means to get support from fellow forum members. i have read your diaries but have not had time to keep up or to reply as much as i'd like. plus having no internet at home makes it harder.

i have not had tv or internet for nearly 2 weeks. on that day i was so pee'd off i was ready to explode. i just needed an escape. like i may have mentioned before, i have lost touch with most of my friends. not all because of gambling but the gambling aspect hasn't helped. when you are always broke and suffer from low self-esteem, you always end up fobbing them off and making excuses not to meet up until the phone calls get less and less frequent.

my sister lives about 30mins drive away with her bf but we rarely spend time together socially. i am not too happy about some other members of my family such as my cousins due to their selfish ways so have let things drift with them too. so really, my gf is all i have.

our relationship is complicated by her father's religious viewpoints so she sort of has to sneak around him. crazy i know seeing as we are adults but she lives by his rules as long as shes under his roof.

well after the spat with my mum, i was totally alone. my car was out of action. i was stuck in limbo. it was freezing that night so only a man man would go walking along a river at that time of day. plus romford isn't exactly scenic lol. i love football so thought i'd check out the match. my treat for the week. was a bit distracting as they show the in-play odds constantly but i managed to enjoy it all for what it was and not have a vested interest in it.

right now i can find no opportunity to relax at all. after finishing work i have to go home and move more boxes, or paint, or sand. my mum seems to bring some sort of bad news each day which has made me anxious. today she told me she's spent £50 phoning british gas on her mobile which i pay for as we had packed up everything including house phone. i am trying to finish the decorating so that we can unpack and finally settle. i am taking a day off on fri to sort more stuff out so hopefully at least a couple of rooms will be ready to move into by end of sunday.

the money flowing out due to moving is a worry. i am angry that my mum seems to have no control over spending but then i have not taken charge of things so cannot moan too much. i am led to thoughts of gambling to ease the finances but feel sick when i start to think too much so distract myself as best as i can. as a result my brain feels a bit frazzled and my body feels a bit battered.

not sure if i have taken a step forward or merely side-stepped things for the moment. but 1 step at a time i guess.

thanks for reading

take care all

gee

bad news. i have relapsed to the tune of £1500.

i feel like i do not care. but then why am i here? but if i wanted to quit why did i gamble?

i received some bad news in the post. it made me so angry. things have been difficult lately anyway but now i am just filled with rage. i have a face like thunder every day. i wanted to lose all my money. i want to destroy myself. i want to forget that i even exist. i cannot bear the responsibilities that go with everyday hardships.

right now i am not even concerned about the logistical implications of losing all that money. i am like a zombie. i am considering smoking again. i may let my gf find out about all these things so that i won't have to hide behind a facade and just be who i am. an awful monster.

Hi 28

you are not an awful monster...it's the gambling that's the monster.

The title of your diary is "is there any more to lose"...you found £1500 to lose, so there is always more to lose..we find it from somewhere. You can put a stop to this cycle of behaviour.....but it's down to YOU.

You need to put blocks in place to protect yourself. It's difficult feeling powerless over this addiction but that's how it gets us.

I hope you are feeling ok? I hope things improve for you soon.

Jas x

28black,sorry to hear about your lapse....nobody has died so chin up, dust yourself down mate and start again...as jasmine says only YOU, can do it and you will do it mate...i know you can

Sorry to hear about your relapse mate. You are not the first and certainly wont be the last to have a relapse though.

Now is your chance to see what you are made of inside though, to find that inner strength to carry on.

Dig deep mate and carry on the fight, the war isnt over!!

Ryan.

Hi 28 I have just read through your whole diary to date. Ups and lots of downs. Im sorry you lapsed again. You seem to go in cycles which include more gambling than cycles of none gambling. I really hope you can find the strengh the reverse the trend. Maybe use the last big loss as your new starting point. We all know that chasing is usless, the money is gone - never to return. I myself in the past have lost 1000s in a single day - chased lost - and many times tried to "win" money that I thought i would use to clear some debt or other or treat the wife. (Gamblers are very generous in their heads about how they will use the winnings) fact : even when I won big made no difference - it always went back plus more on top - bad situation turned into a horrific situation. You can smash this cycle if you really want, which I think you do by reading through your posts. Wishing you well and really hope you manage to get things level. Keep posting - and dont give up on trying to quit!!! All the best Blocked.

Hi 28,

OK, so you lapsed, we all do it. I have no idea how many times I have lapsed in my life to date but its a lot. The last time was several weeks ago and I found myself at this site as a result. The last few posters have mentioned that only you can do it and that is so true. I am starting to really see that with my own recovery and I am understanding what it really means. I can post on here all sorts of things, I can tell my family all sorts of stories, I can go to the Church and confess my sins, I can tell others and even myself anything I want but at the end of the day it all comes back to me and the decisions I make for myself about how I am going to live out each day.

You are the only one that can stop yourself gambling and to do that you have to want better things for yourself and not see yourself as a victim anymore. Maybe this is the time now that you want something different? Maybe not. Either way, the forum is always here for you to offer support.

You can change the pattern of behaviour starting from today if you choose to. We have a choice every day.

Much love,

Simon.

Hi 28

Sorry to hear about your relapse,but as Simon says (no pun intended lol.)its not the end of the world. It may feel horrible at the moment but you are not one to give in.You will come out fighting and you will come back stronger.You might have lost that round but you will still win the fight.(i have no idea how i got onto boxing then lol.)28 i do believe you will beat this addiction. I know its hard but you have the heart to do it and you help so many others. I read your post to Londonbloke and you are right you do have a lot of similarities. The main one being determination.Get back on track 28 i have faith in you Jeff.

Hi 28

Thanks for your post on my diary.

2 peas in a pod sounds about right, i too ask myself all the time"what is wrong with us"

Very sorry to hear of your relapse mate, have just caught up with your diary and can see you are having a tough time of it at present. Moving house is one of the most stressful things to deal with, so much to do, sort out that it drives you nuts.

We've both slipped up in the past week ,put ourselves right back in the s*** when we were both doing so well.

But as many others have said , we have to come out fighting, dust ourselves off and get straight back on the horse.

This isn't an easy thing to beat especially when you have so much happening in your life all at the same time, but you can do this my friend and all of us here are willing you on to succeed.

Never give up fighting, we will beat this, you, me and all of us that dream of a better, "normal" life without all the pain that this thing causes us.

Takecare, keep posting and stay determined.

Many thanks to all the replies. Londonbloke, Jas, Jeff, Simon, Ryan, wp and Blocked.

I do not have internet at my new property so am not able to get online much apart from at work. So apologies as I am not able to read everybody's diaries at present. I do not have anything set up yet such as TV so find myself idle a lot of the times. I have nearly finished the painting now so can begin to sort out the flat and sleep on a bed at least.

I am running on empty now and am very snappy with everyone. But here I am very touched that people are able to show me so much warmth and encouragement and I am instantly filled with shame over how I have disappointed everyone close to me, myself and even people who are rooting for me on here.

My latest actions have meant that I have extended my own financial imprisonment and I will be broke for an even longer amount of time now. I have told my sister that my car needed repairs so she will let me pay off the credit card in my own time now as long as i do not make late payments. I will have maxed out her card by the time I use it for travel, food, bills etc. If i prolong the repayment period then I shall not be able to save up for our wedding so I have to clear it asap. but this is easier said than done. the temptation is to gamble my way out. but as we have seen time and time again, this is a stupid move and will likely cause more damage. so the choice is to grit our teeth and get on with it or risk losing our lives to this disease.

Hello everyone,

It has been over a week since I posted. I should be getting the internet installed within the next fortnight. The flat is all sorted to a livable standard now so I have somewhere to relax. Have had a quiet week. Uneventful Valentine's day. But dull is underestimated sometimes. Had enough dramas recently. My mum fainted at work because she has been working too much and not getting enough rest and has also been stressed with moving. She works hard for peanuts, yet I can go and lose an amount equaling her entire month's wages in a matter of minutes.

I have joined the gym recently and am enjoying it. Hope to see the benefits real soon. Have only been going since yesterday and expected a six-pack when I came out. But like beating this addiction, it takes hard work and you have to keep at it. Hopefully this will provide me with a distraction so that I do not focus on gambling anymore. The urge is faint at the moment but I know that it can pounce on you when you least expect it. Am trying not to fret about the next pay day and all the new debts I have now built up recently. If I stop completely I should manage although it will be difficult. No treats for a year. If I carry on then my life will remain in this limbo until I sort it out.

Anyway, hope that everyone new and old is having a positive time in dealing with their addiction. Well done to everyone. And if you are struggling, please don't give up. Together we can beat this. All of us.

Hi 28

Firstly i hope your mum is feeling better. And secondly m8 i think its a great idea for you to go the gym it should keep you a lot more busy.Keep up the good work kid Jeff.

Hi 28b. You will not know me as I am a new user but I used to read your diary before last Christmas and I really felt for you. I was going through it at the same time as you, every pay day thinking there could not be more to lose but there was. I was hoping you would still be on here posting when I joined actually, I'm glad you are still in the fight and I hope you can make breakthroughs with this addiction and get some financial stability soon.

Wishing you all the best,

4D x