It all happened so quick

Letting go of losses seems to be a perennial problem with gambling addiction.

Very tough.

Try to not think too much about what you've lost and concentrate more on what you have: savings, no debt and an infectiously strong spirit!

Protect your gamble free days and worry not about the losses but not adding to them.

Little changes each post (gym, hobbies) will make a big difference.

You're doing great.

Hi Rose and thanks for sharing youre recovery with us.

You need to draw a line now and step over it...the life you had as a CG is past and the life as a happy CG in recovery is ahead .The thoughts of the losses are bad and annoying ...the days ive spent mulling them over !!!,but we cannot win becasue we cannot stop,so it was never going to be enough ..ever..BUT to stay in recovery and live a happy life we must leave them behind us... back past that line we have drawn. Dont look back ,keep walking away from whats behind you over in the line, stay strong and positive !

Today we will not gamble Rose , one day at a time ... strong and positive ...on we go into our happy life gamble free.

Day 19 - gf

Thanks glint and lost soul for the kind messages, it is hard to let the losses go but your both right I need to focus on the positives and move forward!

Had no urges today which is great and feel more upbeat than yesterday, the money is gone but for 18 days I haven't wasted anymore and that feels great! My jar now has a peppering of pounds across the bottom which looks great and keeps me focused on filling it up! Have a therapy session lined up this month and really going to use that to focus in on why I gamble, addressing the root cause will help in the long run as I am really determined to keep this going for life...it's amazing how good I feel by not gambling and I don't want to go back!

Today I will not gamble because I want to put another pound in my jar!

Dear diary... Day 20 - gf!

Thanks Em, we are both doing well, glad we are walking this journey together!

Having a great day with family, no thoughts of gambling at all! Hadn't realised but tomorrow will be day 21 and that by my reckoning was the longest I had gone for years without gambling...bring it on I say!

Today I will not gamble because tomorrow I have a milestone to wave goodbye too!

Day 21 - gf!

Another gamble free day in the bank but have to admit last night was a sleepless night! Had felt no urges, posted on my diary and then later came onto the site and read through a recovery diary. In this one a reference was made to a favourite slot of mine and that set me off a bit thinking about this slot which is one of my big triggers. Letting my mind wander and thinking about that one big amazing spin leading onto winning my fortune and an amazing streak....big trigger! Managed to keep breaking these thoughts up so didn't build myself up into a massive frenzy but it did feel like it had lit a little gambling fire in my belly to get that buzz! Today it's subsided and been really focused on not drifting off thinking about wins and blooming slots!

On a brighter note I have hit 21 days which feels amazing. Having my laptop locked away at work has been amazing and my focus when I am back at work will be to ensure every night it stays behind, I have tried before having it at home at night and relying on will power but it doesn't work out! Also hadn't realised that my wage had gone in before the Easter break so tomorrow I will withdraw cash and give up the card. I never used to use my card to pay for anything and going back to cash will hopefully let me work on the value of money again. It feels nice to have been paid and not lost it already. Another one of my big triggers is money so i deleted my banking app, with not gambling I don't need to check it every day as there aren't loads of transactions in and out to gambling sites. Feels like some weight has been lifted off my shoulders with not having this constant focus on money!

Overall an up and down 24 hours but I knew this road to recovery wouldn't be easy and as long as I emerge at the end of the day gamble free I will take that.

Today I will not gamble because I will never win, because I can't stop!

Day 22 - gf!

Well i have passed my mini milestone and this by my reckoning is the longest I have gone in years without gambling! No real urges today - back at work and racing through the day. My focus today is on not thinking about money and to put my laptop in my drawer before I leave - simples!

Plan to get more exercise in, have been comfort eating a little lately and lacking a bit of motivation so need to snap out of it - when i have time on my hands I tended to gamble so keeping boredon at bay is going to play a big part in my recovery.

Today i will not gamble because I am moving onto bigger a better things!

Day 23 - gf!

Still lacking a bit of motivation and that seems to be something I read about on other diaries. Need to get my b**t into gear and keep myself occupied because it is a vicous circle - if I lack motivation i get bored, i get bored and i gamble! Got plans for the rest of the week apart from tonight so thats the focus, to read, go out - do something.

Happy days though, not feeling the need to gamble and feelign relatively happy in myself.

Today i will not gamble because as I've said - Happy Days!

Day 24 - gf!

Bit of a broken record at the minute - again lacked some motivation last night. The good thing is that it is not driving any gambling urges but need to get cracking on occupying myself. On a really positive note I feel like every day i dont gamble I stand taller and lose a bit of the weight off my shoulders that has been sitting on there for years. I still have money in the bank and havent had to go through the desperation and hopleessness after a binge. I never want to go back to feeling like that, it is such a destructive habit that it really strips you of all your strenght and self worth!

Today i will not gamble because I walk taller without the weight on my shoulders!

Today 25 - gf!

Was up and about last night and it certainly makes life a bit more fun. Actually experienced a buzz out shopping due to the fact the items i was looking at I could buy as i hadnt blown my money and started on the monthly plan of 'how do i cut all enjoyment out of my life to try and scramble some of this back!'

Reading through the diaries got me thinking about therapy - although im still waiting to be contacted on sessions through Gamcare I did mention in my earlier post that I had gone to (and still do see occasionally) a therapist after my melt down last year. Going there i really did think i was suffering from depression and as the sessions rolled on I couldnt understand why i was still gambling and why my therapist hadnt cured me. In a moment of clarity after my last binge a little light went off in my head and I realised some things. FIrstly the therapy hadnt worked because I hadnt wanted to stop, not really, i was just paying lip service to it because i was going to get that big win, and i didnt have a problem. Secondly was the fact, i wasnt depressed, I was a CG...an addict. I finally said the words out loud. My desperate unhappiness was the fact i was caught in the self destruction whirlpool of gambling, and it had stripped away my self worth. And thirdly I knew that my therapist had been giving me help and tools to use, i just hadnt done used them.

So after the binge, I took out my journal (a classy A4 pad) and wrote 'gamble' in the middle of the page and started to brain dump everything that was rattling around in my head. What came out was 2 things...1) Every feeling i had towards gambling was negative - in fact if someone got hold of that journal and saw it they would probably think i had jumped off a bridge that night. 2) I had various triggers, some little, some big but when i let them fester and grow, it led to the urge and the ultimate binge. Last night i took out my journal and wrote 'gamble free' on a new page and started to brian dump how I felt at this stage. Unfortunatley this isnt a Holywood movie, so im not magically cured of this addiction and there are still thoughts in there such as scared & anxious but there were some great positives on that page too - hope, proud...even the word happier (not quite happy yet)!

Its hard each day, the triggers i have do set me off...such as last night a new site being advertised. Usually i would see this as a sign from above that i was going to win big, check the site out and ultimately within a day or 2 lose everything on it. Not last night...i felt the buzz, was petrified I would start the gambling fire in my belly so ran away from the tv and occupied myself with a cuppa...not ladylike, not graceful but I got the heck out of there away from the ads and my phone so i didnt let that trigger grow and get me looking at the site and thinking about slots.

So diary, your getting this whopper post today because....your a CG....you want to quit gambling....you have quit....so dont go back! There are no positives in going back, no happy ending....just despair. Oh and to remind yourself that when you see your therapist next to apologies for thinking they were c**P!

Today I will not gamble because I have spent all my time writing this post and what a waste it would be to then go and blow it!

Great post Rose80!

A post that encapsulates the acceptance, hard work put in, willingness to learn and incredible progress you have made in just 25 days.

With GamCare sessions still to come!

Think it's important to try everything that you think has any chance of helping.

Understanding why you gamble, finding what works for you, applying it to your daily life and keep looking to improve. Not easy to do. Takes time.

Like that you give reasons why something didn't work for you. That helps with the understanding bit.

Couldn't be happier with your progress.

A whopping well done.

Day 26 -gf!

Thanks for your lovely post glint, it does feel like I am making progress and the more I uncover why I was gambling the better prepared I feel to ensure I stay gamble free!

Have looked to see if you have a diary but haven't seen one, how many days are you gf?

Had a great night last night, and although fuzzy headed today due to a bit too much fizzy pop it was great waking up still gf and having enjoyed myself without gambling!

Laptop is safely out of my possession so can spend the rest of the weekend relaxing having broken the triangle...such a simple tool yet so effective for me!

Having passed my first milestone of going the longest I have in years without gambling I'm slowly making my way to a month, one day at a time!

Today I will not gamble because I'm marching on to a better life!

Day 27 - gf

Short post today diary, happy chilling out watching movies! Did get distracted with a gambling advert and let my mind wander to a big win but quickly brought it back to the fact I don't want to gamble and cannot win because I cannot stop! Focus for the coming days is keep busy and keep the triangle broken!

Today I will not gamble because life is good!

Day 28 - gf!

Not sure whether 28 days is a month or 31 so have decided 31 is the magic number.....nearly there! Bit under the weather today, hoping I have't caught what has been doing the rounds at work. Can't say I am feeling any urges but my concentration or lack of today is concerning and feeling a bit anxious - need to get to the bottom of this as it can be one of my triggers. I must say, and i will refrain from ranting, that gambling sites are advertised everywhere. I am fed up to the back teeth of one certain site and it's jingle - surely the powers that be must realise this is not a good situation. Even had a movie recorded and guess what - sponsored by a gambling site. So for every break it was thrown in my face - booo hisss!

Anyway, that asied I am looking forward to hitting my next milestone of 31 days. After that, 50 days!

Today I will not gamble because I am already a bit under the weather and gambling will make me feel even worse!

Day 29 - gf!

So yesterday, not a great day although came out of it gf! Had a problem with my bank account and having deleted my mobile banking app i needed to take my laptop home (alarm bells ring) as thats where my card reader was. On the positive side I took care of the banking situation as soon as I got in and handed over the laptop to be locked away - job done! However later that nite it crept in my head ' just a quick flutter' followed by 'just lie and say you need your laptop for shopping' - how sad I am that my mind after nearly a month went down this path. I didnt act and i dont think i was close to it as i dismissed it very quickly however felt a bit gutted that i allowed myself to get to the point of thinking what the excuse would be to get the laptop. I am not a sneaky person however it seems when it in the midst of an urge i can be. That is my first real urge and looking at it carefully I think there has been a bit of a fire burning to gamble - on a scale of 1 - 5 I would say im on a 2.5.

Reasons - 1) I am a little bit anxious as there are some big changes at work - gambling is usually my stress release. 2) I have read a couple of diaries re slot addictions and I think they have set me off a bit, the mention of slots, playing them etc during a relapse has made me focus more on that, rather than the actual diary. I read one last night around FOBT's and was 100% engrossed in the journey and how bad gambling makes me and others feel rather than having my attention drift at the mention of slots.

So new focus for the coming days is to pour some water on these flames, i didnt like that urge last night and what it was trying to make me do. On the anxious side I am going to get out swimming and get my mindfulness book back out - it really made sense what it was saying but i put it down as i much prefer a thriller....need to get back into it and use some of the techniques. On the diary front I still want to keep reading them as they are a lifeline but im going to focus on reading new diaries that are not around slots. I thought reading these would help as that is my addiction but i want the slot word out of my head for a while. Will still check in on latest posts from a couple i follow but that will be it until I get a bit further down the road.

One more thing - NO LAPTOP. The connection has not been broken yet between a laptop in the house and gambling...no urges at all when its out of sight but first night back and they slip in. Only in an emergency will it be in the house - and it will be under supervision like last night.

Not sure if i have got this right - I am only self analysing here....and it was only 1 urge so may be over reacting - but my gut says lets go with this plan so thats what i am going.

Today I will not gamble because my gut says it is a bad idea!

Hi Rose and well done on 29 gf days.

Had to read your post a couple of times. Nice one on not giving in to the urge but dont be too hard on yourself. Urges happen now and then and if the triangle is always broken they dont take effect. On this occassion all parts were there.

I gave up access to all finances for a good 6 months and when i had money to do shopping one day i was a quivering wreck. Could i trust myself. Never rushed round a supermarket so quickly.

Keep up the good work. The urges will pass through time.

Best wishes