It's all or nothing, always

Thank you both.

Iv had a bath and cleared my head a bit since that post. Although I will find it hard to ever forgive myself for the mess that I have caused thus far I am positive that the future will be better. It has to be surely?

I can completely relate to the quote, I suppose I glance backwards a lot still...and ocassionally stand still and stare too long. All those nights...all that money...what on earth was I thinking? I know I can earn the money back but I will have always lost my home...i will have always racked up so much debt it makes your eye water...I will always have to be overly cautious with money as it has lostt all its value now. I need about £900 for this house in total...I spent that gambling on Monday. Im having difficulty with that thought I must say. Not to say that using it for a house wouldnt have wiped me out but what a much better way to spend it.

I suppose I feel that in any one month I only get one day to make a real difference to my recovery (payday) and this month I blew it. I have to wait another 27 days to have another go and not messing my life up. That's a long time to live through this madness. Im hoping my therapy starts soon, I need to have some grip on things back before next pay day.

Xenedra, I sincerely feel your pain. I live in a rented house which is horrid but because of poor credit am unlikely to be able to rent another house....of course it'S my doing and I feel c*** about it every day. Without teaching you to suck eggs have you tried the council? The other option is would your daughters father be a guarantor for the house as it would be in her best interests? I hope this doesn't sound bossy as we are more than ever in the same boat here. Take Alans solid gold advice, you can fix this one day at a time. Also maybe next payday give the money to someone and get them to give you a weekly alliance, anything that helps is good. Go easy on yourself and kept looking forward, take care S:)

Hi, thank you for the comments. Sadly my daughters father wouldn't be able to do that as he has a CCJ and I can't join the council list as I work full time and have a good salary.

DAY 3

Hello day three! I feel better today, I had a lie in which I needed! sometimes emotions can drain you more than physical things!

I feel that today went well pI felt like a normal person. Sounds strange doesn't it. But I got up make a coffee and set about my day. I did not think of gambling.

I helped my elderly relatives unpack their stuff as they have been away. Then I set off out to a leavers lunch with work colleagues. This was great, I was tempted last week to cancel as I really don't have any money but I went to a change tin and got together £10 to pay for a bite to eat and I drank tap water all day. Few people asked why I was not drinking as I usually do have a couple with work friends but just told them I was driving (which I was anyway). I honestly felt like a normal person for a few hours. Not an addict. Iv come home in a good mood, not entertaining gambling at all!

I feel better and I caught a glimpse of what my life could be like today...nothing special just normal things people do who are not engulfed in an addiction.

I am still kicking myself for the losses, and I would have cancelled going out..too worried that people would question my not drinking etc and see it as a sign that something was up with me...wrong with me. But they didn't and I'm so glad I did go tap water all night but still great chats etc with people I really like.

Gambling can isolate us so much. In all aspects of our life, I was always worried that people would find me out and then think badly of me.

I'm going to beat this addiction...now, tomorrow and the day after that! I'm more motivated today than ever before.

I want to be normal...whatever normal is.

Love Xenedra x

Hiya xenedra

Sounded like that night with your work colleagues is just what you needed and it's great that you now want to make your self normal and not be this person we become when we are a cg . I have done it a thousand times especially when I've lost and just said to myself why can I be normal why can I just not gamble but the truth is I can be you have just got to want it it and give it 1100 % .I wish you well and hope you can get through this tough month before payday and move forward from there keep strong x

Hi Xenendra

You have been very open and that can only help in the long run. We all look at the past, though there is nothing we can do about it now. Keep talking and stay strong. You can do this.

Great post and I second Tommy, glad you had a good time. Hold onto that snapshot of what things could be like and combined this with bring kind to yourself. You can do this, take care S:)

DAY 4

Day 4...Sunday...The day actually went ok. I just pottered about. I am in the process of complaining to A LOT of payday loan companies and other credit services and I was able to rack up over £15,000 worth of debt in one year...I feel irresponsibly. So anyway I spent a lot of my day responding to emails and also sending emails to companies and I am not able to make a payment for towards my DMP this month 🙁 Iv also spent a lot of the day opening slot accounts to self exclude...(I have K9 on my laptop but it doesnt work on my phone so im waiting for the gamblock to come out). Some accounts dont actually let you self exclude very easily AT ALL!!

Sunday night is a trigger though...I would routinely have a bath, make a coffee and settle in to the slots. So I am getting twicthy, but coming here is a help.

Tomorrow I get my daughters family allowence...so I am making a detour via the cash machine first thing to withdraw it!! Cant deny Im having sneaky thoughts about... 'just £20 could change all this' BUT IT CANT (especially as I played £5 stakes).

Like before I am keen to know any tips on how to keep busy in the evenings.

Im digging out Allen Carr 'how to stop gambling' I bought it back in August but didnt really read it. I did read the stop smoking one but it didnt work but anything is worth a go with this.

Im also reflecting on my losses...I know this will take some time to settle down. Still hurts though.

Thank you all for your continued support.

My name is Xenedra and I am four days clean from this rancid addiction. Here is to many, many, many more days GF!

You have come on here when you felt twitchy tonight, so congratulate yourself for that.

Those first days are the tough ones and you have done 4 of them. Keep going and stay strong. Somone is almost always on the forum so keep using it. You are getting there, you can beat this.

Read that book.

I think you've had that enough is enough moment I hope you beat it, nice to see you in chat.

Hey Xendera :)).

Push the thought's away because the only thing £ 20 on the slots is going to change is to keep you addicted instead of being 4 day's into your new life , how many times have you had those thoughts over the last 6 months " This time will be the big one " and has it happened ? No of course it hasn't it's brought you here and just the addiction speaking trying to woo you back into the same old cycle , just tell it to P off :(( .

Have you thought of looking at your losses in a different way when they bother you ?

Imagine you had a really life threatning illness that had affected your daily life for many years you'd lived with it but it destroyed any happiness you'd had and filled every waking moment with dread, then one day a cure was found that would change your life for good and eradicate this disease once and for all , the only problem is it's not available on the NHS and you'll have to pay privately for the cure , say for instance £ 30,000 or £50.000 even a £100,000 in fact whatever your figure is for gambling , would you not willingly pay it given the golden opportunity that lay ahead and knowing from that point you could live happy and content ? .

Sometimes you have to flip thing's a little or look at it through different eyes for it to sit well :))

Hi Alan,

I love that anology. I will try and think of it like this more now. It''s just such a shame, as with many gamblers I have lost the value of money. Its like I dont want to part with £3 for a magazine that I would be able to sit and chill out with and distract me from gambling as I think 'oo £3 is a quite a bit of money when you literally have nothing' but then i still fantasise about spending £100's on the slots. How does this happen?

Im feeling ok though. Day 4 and not wanting to catch up on the losses...(would pretty much have to win the euromillions for that to happen anyway) !!

What was you thoughts on the Allen Carr book? Giving it a go tonight.

Hi Smashed!

Yes I certainly have. I now understand and believe that I will never be able to catch up my losses! which is progress from the last time i tried to give it up. Still hasnt made the niggly 'what if's go away' but I hope that they fade in time.

Always great chatting with you Smashed.

It's taken me two years to get my feel for monetry value back again and just like yourself would reel back in shock about paying a couple of pounds for a " Costa " , I even limited myself to a couple a week at one point because I thought £14 a week was far too much to be spending on my morning treat from the garage !!! and that from someone again just like yourself who would think nothing of pumping £ 100 every spin evry 20 seconds into a bookie's roulette machine ( it sounds bad even now I've just read that back ) and yet when a estimated electricity bill came in I was straight on the phone with the new underestimated reading I supplied because I could then use that cash to give myself " Just one more spin " , the whole money thing was just " More Gambling tokens " to keep me in addiction :((.

I have to be truthfull also in the fact that the only book I have read ( partly ) since coming here was on CBT , which I flipped through to the pages I thought relevent and even thought when first hearing the name on here about 18 months ago " Oh , I didn't know he was a gambling addict , I just remember him as " Chatty Man " ) Yep ! there's no point in talking to stupid but the penny dropped eventually :(( .

I'm rightly or wrongly ( depends on who your speaking to ) a bit " Old School " in my recovery and kinda think that " It's my mess and I need to sort it " , some say " It's your thinking that made you who you are so how can you alone make thing's different " ? I can't say thier wrong either but I've gone some 2 plus yrs Gamble free so something must have clicked this time but re the book I can't knock it because I haven't tried it and hopefully you'll get something from it :)).

I just feel you have be prepared for big changes , I thought when I came here that a few months of being gamble free and I'd be cured , you do need that time and distance from your last bet for the fog to lift and the clarity to start peeking through but you also have to just get through that initial period one day at a time as a life without gambling is too hard to take on board for most of us or it was for me initially anyway but those day's do build up into weeks and months and years until it does become the norm and gambling is no longer the first thought as you wake nor the last before you sleep , which was my way of life for many many year's .

You probably can't imagine that day at the momentwhen you don't think about gambling but just about getting up putting the kettle on and getting on with a " Normal day " , I couldn't either and never thought I would in the early day's but it does happen , things do and will change for you I promise and when that point comes you'll once again see all the woderfull important things that life will gift you . :))

Night Xendera :))

Hi Alan...thank you as always...

DAY 5

Today literally flew by!! Very busy day at work which always helps to dominate my thoughts and distract my mind!

I also got a phone call today and will start therapy on Thursday...I was all excited when I got the call but then afterwards all the panic and gambling gremlins started...'what are you doing?' 'You dont have a problem' 'You dont need to be a service user' etc. then came the thoughts 'Do I really want to quit?' Fleeting thoughts may I add...again I was at work so soon occupied with something else. (FYI- I bloody do want to quit) But I am anxious as to how it will go. I am having to convince myself to be very honest...(my gambling brain is trying to tell me to play it down so im told I dont have a problem)....errrggggg yuck...how does this happen to a perfectly rational person?

Also some good news...my mum has offered to lend me the money for the house deposit etc...(me and my mum are a long long story - will come out in therapy im sure, she knows nothing of my addiction and lives in another country). But this threw me a lifeline so I sent off the referencing form for the house today. Declaring all the rubbish I have on my credit rating lowered my mood as it really makes me realise what an idiot i have been. I am trying not to think about the outcome as even though the woman knows me she may forgive the credit check , or she may see it and then judge me...so im just preparing for the worse really. More of this in later enteries I am sure.

I'm late entering as I watched some catch up programes with my daughter on BBC Iplayer this was nice.

On reflection, Iv been keeping so busy today because I am anxious, I feel agitated, restless, irritable. I feel a bit like im playing a game...I suppose I still feel like this stopping is temporary and it will all be ok soon coz il go back to it...like withdrawal.

I watched the slot documentary last night...that kinda sealed the deal for me...what muppets the gambling companies think we are. I also got an email from a casino i opened to self exclude today to say they received my self exclusion notice (had to complete a form and sign it and send it off) why do they make it so hard? The email basically said that they take responsible gambling seriously when how can they...took me about 4 days to self exclude and the email said that I can contact them at any time to un exclude and all they would do is allow a 24 hour cooling period? Not good at all!

My daughter's family allowence went in to the bank today and came out in one piece...a victory in itself!!!

Anyway...My name is Xenedra. I am 5 days clean from this rancid addiction and looking forward to adding zeros to that number!

Well done on day 5 Xenendra I'm rooting for you 🙂 that slot doc is a real eye opener!!! Its helped me to stop playing the demo plays because I think we need to retrain our brains! Remember the rat in the cage that was trained into addiction. That was me, you and all slot addicts! When that itch starts...keep thinking that you have stepped outside the cage...you're itching to get back inside and back to your comfort zone but its all an illusion. The longer you stay outside the more you will refresh your brain. And one day you will wonder why you ever chose that cage over true freedom!