Jer's recovery diary, 2nd attempt

Quick update. Have been doing lots of stuff yesterday and today, like cleaning and excercising, and really tired now. But no gambling and no intentions to gamble, even though I had some urges. But I have been in this spot before so I know it gets bit easier with time.

Now I have to get good night's sleep and another gamble free day ahead tomorrow!

Day 4 without gambling and just quick update again.

One of these crappy days when nothing seems to work like it should but at least now I can just sit back and relax for the rest of the day. And just couple of classes this week so shouldn't be too hard. Have to try maintain as positive attitude as possible, even if it doesn't feel so easy right now.

Day 7 after slip and doing okay. At least I think so... been having more urges than I expected but then again these first steps are always hardest. And lot of stress about studies and other things but nothing new there...

Overall things are very neutral right now. I mean I know most of the things in my life are like they should be but still I have been feeling bored and maybe bit depressed too. I guess main reason is that there is nothing really to look forward to in the following weeks. No parties or any other social events... just studies, stress and boredom. Of course I shouldn't complain and it's only good thing to sometimes stay weeks without socialising (alcohol). But then again I know this boredom and being alone with it is not good for me either. But still better than gambling

Won't gamble today either.

Relapsed again and lost hundreds again. I feel like s**t and my whole life seems like s**t right now. This has to stop for good, it doesn't help if I stay clean for week or month or year. I would love to live in a world where gambling didn't exist, which is impossible, but I can make it so I never gamble again myself. It's up to me and I want to do it and I can do it.

I know this is rambling but had to write something down.

Been gamble free since the relapse I mentioned in last post and I have been around here reading a lot. Trying to take different approach this time and so far it's working. I'm not going to count days this time because I think it would just add extra pressure at the moment.

Also I'm trying to look things more positive again, not just about being gamble free but everything else too. I have focused most of my energy to studies, exercise etc. and have felt good about myself (but tired...) every night this week. I will start playing guitar again when I get to it. Just lot of deadlines with studies to deal with first before I can properly relax. Trying to do as much as I can today so I can be study free Friday-Saturday at least.

My biggest issue at the moment is loneliness and I was very annoyed because of that last weekend. That was probably one of the main triggers I gambled. It just seems I see my friends less and less nowadays and almost all the socialising is via the internet.

But that loneliness is something that's not going to change over night and I have tried not to take it so hard and enjoy the alone time. Then again it's not so easy. I mean usually I don't even have much problems being alone but it's just these times when there is far too much that alone time when it can get to me pretty hard... But at least I can take comfort that I'm doing things that will improve my life in long run (like those studies and excecising) even if they are not so enjoyable right now.

So yeah it's not all rosy but at least I can feel positive about myself by getting things done and not wasting any more of my time and money to some sh*tty gambling.

Now I'll have some lunch and back to studying.

Hi Jer,

Great post and I can relate to it a lot.

You are right, recovery is not all rosy path to walk, you will come across few potholes and barriers...but you are in control of making that choice and I believe you will make the right one 🙂

Loneliness can really change your mindset at times. I am similar to you, I like my quiet time, but it's again , to the degree. I understand you are studying hard, and believe that good break from books is necessary now and again. Even seeing a friend for a quick chat can do wonders. Don't be too hard on yourself, give yourself some breathing space. Enjoy your life, because it's too short for regrets.

Keep it up and take

Well done on your continued abstinence

Day at a time

Sandra

Hey Jer,

Thanx for your post, really appreciate it.

Recovery is bespoke and brings so many positives along the way. I am proud to fight this habit alonside you :-))

Look after yourself and keep fighting the good fight

All the best

Sandra x

Thanks for your support Sandra!

Hate to say I had relapse again last night. I was drunk which is no excuse of course but it made my guards go down. I'm lucky I took good beating again and lost a lot...again... and I say lucky because I know winning is worse than losing. I know I can never win because I can never stop even if I happen to "win" big. I know I don't want to gamble anymore and I know it is only a path to self-destruction and misery. And I know I have to commit more to my recovery again.

First things are now to try...or not try but do it.. to not be too angry and hard with myself. I felt anger and self hatred when I woke up this morning but I know those feelings won't do any good. Best thing to do is turn this to positive once again. It's still not easy but I'm trying and I know that is what I want.

But now I'm too tired to write more. But I won't gamble today.

What a day. Feels like all the stress is piling up again in one day... I try not to take things too hard and I know things will get better again.

I didn't gamble today like I promised and no intentions to do that tomorrow either. I installed free trial of Betfilter and liking it already, I just wish I had done that before but the important thing is I did it now, and I'm going to buy the full version even if it hurts my already low finances. I know it's only part of the solution and I want to get the point where I don't need softwares like that. But no matter how strong my determination is now I have to admit to myself I'm in too vulnerable state to trust myself going on without that blocking software.

So upwards and onwards, lot of study-related stuff this week again and I can't even count how many other responsibilities I have to deal with, but I'm going to face all of it with as much positive attitude as I can. I know better times are ahead.

Hi Jer,

Great honest post and well done for putting blocks in place. For me blocks still are invaluable part of my recovery. Sneaky urges still visiting me time to time, but the wall they smash into still standing strong 🙂

Keep busy and concentrate on more fulfilling stuff in your life. Take it day at a time, and solve all the rising issues step by step. Chip problems away and the picture will become much clearer. You can do it, you are doing it and should be proud!!

Take care and be kind to yourself

Sandra x

Thanks for the support Sandra! Much appreciated as always 🙂

It's been hard 2 days for me but now things seem to be clearing a bit. Still tons of stuff to do and those low finances "thanks" to gambling are not making all the stress any easier.

But the good things are that I have stayed gamble free and done all the things I planned to do yesterday and today, and feeling really good about it right now. And realising and admitting I can't do everything at once is important step, so going to work getting some of my patience back little by little.

Also I really have to start learning to manage my stress better. I'm kind of a person that always stresses about everything more than I should. I have improved with that over the years, but still lot to do in that area, and it is definitely easier without gambling in my life.

Now I'm going to relax, have some tea and not think about tomorrow's responsibilities just yet. And I won't gamble.

Sometimes these mood swings are just crazy. Tuesday and Wednesday were good days, can't say I was full of energy but I felt positive about things and was getting lot of stuff done. But today all the stress and being lonely is beating me down again. I just wish I could be happy with my life again, but at the moment it seems just a distant dream.

Had urges too which is no surprise when I'm feeling like this, but at least I'm fighting those and staying gamble free.

Another bad day. Nothing new there and feeling depressed and lonely, and it just feels like all-consuming at the moment. Physically I have energy to do things and I can thank myself for that I have kept myself physically fit. But mentally I have no energy and no interest to do anything. I could study but no deadlines until Tuesday so don't really feel like doing that either during weekend.

Had major urges to gamble again but fought through those and gone now. Though at the moment it feels it wouldn't really matter if I gambled or not, but of course I know it would matter. And what I feel now would be heavenly compared to what I would feel after I gambled and lost.

Hopefully this weekend won't be totally boring s**t, and more hopefully I can find some positivity from somewhere...which I doubt since I really don't have any energy to look for it. But at least I'm not gambling and I won't gamble today.

Almost a week since last entry, but I have been staying gamble free. I guess it's 10 days now since the relapse, but like I said I don't really want to think too much about counting the days this time.

I have been feeling better this week, but still emotional rollercoaster. Then again bad days this week have been better than bad days last week, so picture is getting clearer. Stress is not getting any easier and tons and tons of stuff to do with studies, should get job for summer, and should be more social with family and friends. But now when I have put in some gamble free time again, things are getting more manageable again. So I'm in the right path at least.

Haven't had much urges this week, but like I well know from experience they always come back every now and then. Had some today but got rid of them quickly, and coming here to read is always good way to keep those urges little farther away. But yeah, I'm definititely still in vulnerable state because it hasn't been very long since those relapses and more and more stress is just building up. But I have some good blocks in place too, which make me feel at least bit easier.

And one more thing which I have mentioned many times but I just can't seem to change it. It's still very very hard to give credit to myself about anything. If I have some big task to do I stress and stress about it, and work hard to get it done. But after that I don't feel like I have done anything good and always feeling I should just do more and better etc. And then I'm always just stressing about the next thing. I really want to change that but I really don't know how.

Fortunately weekend ahead, even though I fear it will be boring one again. But I try to feel positive and hopefully won't spend all the weekend alone. At least it will be gamble free weekend if nothing else good about it.

Haven't been posting, but happy to say I have stayed gamble free. I guess it's about 1,5 months since the last relapse, and after the first 2-3 weeks it has been pretty easy to stay free again. I mean I feel much like I did last year when I was gamble free for 10+ months.

Then again, during the last 2 weeks I have been here more and more reading, and thinking about this journey. So I thought it's good time to update my diary, and to remind myself to keep my guards up.

Too tired to write anything long, but just have to say I'm enjoying life and simple things again. All the stress seems much more bearable after this solid gamble free period. So going to continue on this road and I try to post more frequently again.