Journey to a redefined life

Day 37

I am working hard. At the same time, I have to remind myself not to get greedy on making money because when I get greedy, I get the similar feeling as when I was gambling. I will keep myself a healthy balance with my life.

Day 38

I have all the reasons to gamble again. Loneliness, heartache, broken, boredom. But I haven't gambled. I have been learning to tell my myself my situations are not as bad as my thoughts tell me. Basically, I am confronting my own thoughs with more reasonable thoughts. I will take it slowly. I will be a gentleman to myself. I believe I will have some improvement in myself in terms of happiness and wellbeing.

Thanks for your post merlins. I have just read your diary.
You're doing so well. You appear to be in touch with your emotions and try to do what you feel you need to do to help you get through some difficult days.
Keep going, stay strong and I'm sure in time all your hard work and determination will pay off.
All good wishes x

Day 43

I have to admit. Depression is still playing a major part in my everyday life. Someday I might feel better than the others but I have a tendency to get depressed easily if anything happens, for example, like seeing my ex girlfriend unexpectedly.

Regardless of my depression situation playing a role in my everyday life. I have been doing things that work for me and my wellbeing. Work, exercise, socialize. Some days, I get some kick start from my coffee. Some days, I get advice from my senior coworkers at work if I get confused with my life situations and get depressed about them.

In terms of gambling and finance, since I stopped playing for over a month, I started saving about 1k. But still a big loss is a good reminder for the rest of my life that not to get greedy and not to gamble. I no longer look for a quick fix on finance. Slow, steady and peaceful life is what I aim for now.

Day 44

I took an extra day off from work. I rest, sleep, exercise, and hang out. I feel more cheerful when I am outside with friends. I struggle the most when I am in my room alone with all the rumination. I am only surviving with the hope that things will get better even though my depression is trying to tell me negative things. Financially, even though I am not rich, I am not in debt but it's depression and loneliness that are bothering me everyday.

Day 45

I was thinking this evening. About one and half months ago, I made a firmed decision to quit gambling and to live a happy life. Some days I struggle to be happy with low energy, bad mood and emptiness. But it’s okay to be weak and to be struggling as long as I commit to my long term goal... not to gamble and to live a happy and normal life. If I fall down, I will go back up. It’s okay to fall down.. I tell myself.

Day 50

Euro Championship League made me want to bet a bit. But I didn’t place a bet. 50 days gf is a good number. I am glad to see my saving starting to grow a bit. Like I mentioned in a previous post, it will take up to six months to save up some money again. So meanwhile I can’t be too greedy and impatient about saving because it takes some time to grow. In terms of my mental health, I am doing things to keep me occupied like exercise, hang out, watching movies. But I can still feel my emptiness deep inside. Sometimes I am a bit upset that emptiness and depression don’t go away whatever I do. Gambling helped for a short term but it dug a deeper hole at the end. Honestly, I get impatient with the whole thing. I think last relapse began because I wanted all the sparks and excitement back because I got so bored and felt so empty. But For now I have to stick with my common sense and things that help.

Day 52

I started today being depressed and ruminating about negative vibes. But I learnt slowly somewhere in the middle of the day that having a focus helps. Having something to do with passion helps. Most of the time, I do things with little passion but just hoping to kill the time. It kills the time but it doesn't help me with depression and emptiness inside. When I started doing things with real focus and passion, I have more confidence in myself that good things can happen to me and also I am able to reject the thoughts that usually give me troubles. I am hoping that brighter days are ahead of me.

Day 53,

My days of being motivated or having focus on something are on and off. Right now I want to bet on sports. I feel like I really need something to occupy myself to forget all the pains. But I already made a decision not to gamble. It’s an once and for all thing. I am not going back to the old and destructive habit.

keep Hi merlins,

I haven’t been on for a while but for some reason you kept popping in my head and I was hoping your still doing well.

Keep going pal. Your doing so well and I’m proud of you for still going for it. You’ll still get urges and it’s natural. I do all the time but like yourself I don’t give into temptation.

Keep up the fight

Thanks, Henchie.

Day 59,

59 days since my last gambling spree. It feels like a long time ago but I am still living with the consequences from betting. I have had a lot of ups and downs moods during these days.. mostly down moods. But today is one of the rare up day.

I will recall here how I have taken of myself on a up day so that I can replicate the situation when I am down in the future. First of all, I got good sleep, I ate well, I got along with people, I think positively, I try to exercise and to stretch when it is slow at work and when I am home, I drink some coffee at the beginning of the day, I keep myself busy like playing chessing, reading something, texting someone or watching movies. I understand my depression is with me all the time but I will stay humble and will enjoy my life whenever I can.

41.Day 61

How do I get out of this dark cloud? I seem to be fine some days but I keep coming back into this depressive feeling. Honestly, I really want to bet on sports to numb the thoughts in my head and the fatigue in my body.

If I am a friend of mine, I will suggest to myself to keep doing what works for my situation and genuinely hope that everything will be fine and I will be fine.

Things are helping me so far.

1. Having something interesting to do.

2. Activity with friends

3. Playing chess

4. A good stretch

5. Caffeine

6. Replacing negative thoughts with positive ones

day 66

There is no single day that I don't feel depressed. It's not because I have debt or I am still gambling. It's just there with me everyday. I find it hard to be happy these days.

Day 72

I became a disable now. I cannot go to work for a few months. All the time being bored at home and betting would be nice, right? But I won't. A promise is a promise. I am not gambling no matter how bored I am.

Day 76

Most of the time, I am alone sitting, sleeping or going out to eat while I am a disabled. The most challenging part is dealing with all the negative feelings and sensations. I battle with all the demons in my mind that tell me my life is a failure or it is okay to gamble with control. But there is some part of me that is still willing to fight for myself against demons and negative feelings. But it sucks to live with depression when it makes my everyday life very dull. I really hope one day I will be truly happy. I hope that one day will come soon.