Okay, here goes, day 1 for me. 31st of January seems like a stupid day to pick to start this journey, it is not a milestone, it is not even the start of a week or month but a recovery diary seems like the right thing to do and if I put it off, I may change my mind. So, a few words on all the days that came before....
I started gambling online many, many years ago. I was lonely and playing games, slots, poker gave me a connection to other players and a bit of excitement, well maybe I could win. Small stakes and playing often relieved the boredom of being on my own and there were social aspects via chat and contests. It was fun. I'm not sure when the stakes became higher or the social element vanished but in 2009 I realised it was becoming a problem. For the next couple of years I repeated a cycle that I am sure will be familiar to most on here; abstinence then splurge. I wanted to play and eventually, despite knowing it was a bad idea, I would. I would spend more than I was prepared to lose chasing my losses and then shamefully abstain again whilst covering my tracks and keeping the problem a secret. For the last few years I have tried a different approach and successfully managed my gambling. I set up one account with a weekly limit and stuck to it. I went back to low stakes and tried to change my behaviour. I found that gambling was not a dirty little secret and that I could have a 'shot' without feeling bad about it. I became more sociable, joined clubs and met new people. I'm here though so there has to be a but. I got sick and stressed and the minute I started feeling those old emotions, I started changing deposit limits and spending more. The last few months I have been trying to cut myself off from my problems through gambling and surprise, surprise just ended up with more problems and a smaller bank balance. I have decided that since there seems to be a time limit on my ability to be sensible, I am going to give abstinence another go. I don't want to tell my friends and family what is going on so a diary seemed a good way of tracking this journey and picking up some hints, tips and support. I hope my experiences may help others on here as well. So here goes...
Welcome Julie...I'm day 17.
You will get loads of support here..lots of good advice to help you kick gambling in the bin...good luck x
Hello Julie, & i humbly think by being here and joining this forum, that you don't need the 'Just' in front of your username.
Just by reading your post and seeing that your aware of barriers, I aplaud you. Yet, maybe it's time to build them barriers as high as possible as the gambling bridge has been well and truely burnt.
Its also good that your aware that you've been cutting your self off from lifes problems with the aid of gambling. Use the abstain and maintain as a springboard to a clearer head and then we can slowly learn how to live life on lifes terms. The good, the bad and the ugly!
Stick around and build up a possee to connect with. I wish you well...
Loxxie, Volcano, thanks for your comments; I appreciate the welcome.
Today was a rather frustrating day. I had one of those arguments that would normally have sent me retreating to the comfort of online slots. I called out a friend for being petty and expecting me to do the same. I was apparently supposed to show greater solidarity but I am not wired that way. I have many faults and I'm far from perfect but I don't have a petty bone in my body. There are so many real problems in the world. I wanted to scream that I'm fighting gambling addiction and cancer and that I couldn't care less if someone, someone else doesn't like, did something which will never be forgotten that doesn't effect me in the slightest. Life is too short. I didn't because I am very good at keeping secrets. I think we all make mistakes and that the only way to judge someone is on their actions and interactions. I'm writing this down, partly to vent but mainly, to remind me to hold that it my interactions onsite. I look forward to chatting and hopefully to helping. Key point; I'm on here and not gambling.
' That said, I'm on day 1, so what do I know '
I think you know an awful lot Julie. Thanks for posting on my diary
You'll find these diarys a superb place to vent, it can be quite cathartic getting your thoughts down in black and white. And of course it's far better to ramble rather than gamble.
You've got a mighty two challenges on your hands Julie, yet your still showing courage in not letting things that don't effect you get you down.
It can be quite an emotional rollercoaster just with the gambling alone, so I'm guessing yours can reach the heights some of us can only imagine.
Keep rambling, sharing and spewing and i'll look forward to reading and interacting.
Strength and honor. Paul
Hey Julie...how you doing..I'm sorry to see your battling cancer as well love...2mega fights on your hands...we found McMillan wonderfull ..have you spoke to them...anyway...I love that saying from volcano...tis better to ramble than gamble...so we can ramble away together...take care xx
Hee hee, today's ramble... Okay, you are going to call me nuts but the cancer has had an incredibly positive effect on my life. It made me realise that there was no point in putting things off until 'the right' time because that time may never come. My job upset me and was quite often a trigger for my compulsive behaviour but it was never the right time to leave; I left. I was scared of trying things of making changes in case they went wrong; I realised that not trying would be worse than failing so I have had a few adventures. I had a gambling splurge (probably the natural progression of the b#@ger it school of decision making) then covered my tracks by diverting the bank statement as I alway did in the past except, this time, as I held the statement in my hands I had an unforgivable thought; what if I died and my husband was holding the statement thinking that our life together had been a lie. I'm not prepared to let that happen hence the diary and the redoubled effort at abstinence.
Does that mean I was at rock bottom? Possibly but I can only say that with hindsight. I didn't realise how unhappy I was at the time. Maybe it is like the proverbial lost keys; always in the last place you look because you stop looking. My rock bottom was the lowest I sank because I changed things and started to inch my way back. I am happier today than I have been in a long time and perversely it is cancer that got me here. That said, I'm still planning on kicking its b**t!
Hi Julie...nice post...mad sense to me...the 20 days I've not gambled have been uplifting...ok...so still worry about debts etc...and ifs and buts. .but on the whole I've accepted the losses...will deal with each problem that comes from this vile addiction as best I can and when I can...I'm a good person under the blanket of my title the gambler. ..and I will do all I can to find the whole old me once again...and strange as it sounds saying this but I think the whole gambling journey will even lead me to be a better person...if that makes sense...ramble done lol xx
Hello Jewels.
Agreed with Loxie there, but I think I get it regarding the positive effect cancer is giving you. I also humbly believe with your armoury you will indeed kick it.
I actually read your post last night and didn't know how to articulate something, but I'll try.
When I had my accident many moons ago. Any guess 's who knew best? You've got it, it was me. I was never honest to anyone and had a great front, it took me years to realise I was wrong.
I know it's important to protect friends/ family close; but it's more important to be honest how we feel and thats inclusive of gambling. Self protection..
I've possibly gone way of the rambling track but either way I wish you well in your two pronged challenge.
Crumbs, this week has rather got away from me. Between work, treatment and the obligatory post spurge finance juggling my diary has been somewhat neglected. As I hide the statements and tell my lies, I say the usual prayer; please let me get away with this one last time. I have meant it every time I have said it so cannot say for certain that this time is any different but I am determined not to put myself in this position ever again. I hate myself for the lies and for the risks. The person I am is not compatible with the compulsive gambler I have become. I know which one I am prepared to give up.
Loxxie, I completely understand the idea that your gambling journey will make you a better person. How could one go through the ups, the downs, the challenges, the disappointments, the triumphs without being changed by them. We have the option to let them beat us into the ground or to use them in our lives and in our relationships. I think it is great that you can see a bright future and are using the crappy experiences constructively. I try to do the same.
Volcano, I understand and appreciate your comments. It is a tough call and there are benefits and draw backs in either course. I have chosen not to tell people about my gambling for the same reason and I have not told people about my cancer; I believe there will be a day when things can go back to normal and the fewer people who know, the easier that will be. I don't want to mentioned having no money in my purse and someone to think I have had a splurge just like I don't want every cough or cold to be questioned as a sign my health getting worse. Downside is the pressure that puts me under; I guess that is where the diary and Gamcare comes in.
As for the gambling aspects of my week, it has gone pretty well. There have been a couple of moments when I have wanted to retreat into the hypnotic distraction of the reels but I can honestly say I have not even come close to caving in. Today was day six. Not a big number but it is only today that matters. If I can keep getting through today then the numbers will soon mount up. Wishing anyone who stops by my diary the stregnth to keep going. Chin up and keep fighting. Jx
Morning Julie..glad to see your plodding along...your right...it's only today that matters...yesterday's gone....tommorrows not promised...so we all have to do one day at a time xxx
Hi Julie , I'm a bit slow in welcoming you to the forum but sometimes I'm just a bit slow anyway ! Just read your diary and wanted to say that with the positivity you're displaying I'm without doubt you'll overcome anything that life throws your way ! Keep strong, positive and safe ! Deep respect. Alan
So, another couple of days done and I'm still standing. I'm feeling a bit down today. I am not an emotional sort and don't generally go in for talking about my feelings but have had a couple of moments this weekend. Managed to hold things together in company but got a bit weepy the second I was left alone. Now I'm trying to work out what is getting to me. My health is an issue of course. It may be as simple as I am fed up feeling like c**P. I keep forcing myself to do things and be normal but, if the number of lectures I had about taking things easier is anything to go by, I must look terrible. I will be glad when treatment is over and I can get back to some sort or normality. There is also my meeting with the bank manager tomorrow. That is a worry. I need to get through that if I am to be able to hide my latest splurge. I guess that has me a little terrified. Once the finances are sorted I can get on with recovery. I guess there is also an amount of disappointment starting to set it. I thought I could control my gambling and it has been a humiliating experience going back through the bank statements and realising just how much I was fooling myself. Epic fail is the phrase that springs to mind. Anyway, not about to make my day worse by gambling. Just need to keep plodding onward. Stay strong folks.
Hello Julie,
Some fantastic honest posts coming from your way. I completely get what your saying regarding not telling people about either the C or G. Very admirable courage and indeed a tough call.
' Not an emotional sort ' Neither am I Julie but slowly realising we are emotional animals and its a case of managing our emotions. Balance hai! You've got a lot going on in that noggin between them ears, it's a tough process, which I'm sure this leader of industry Julie will handle very well. Tears of healing, such a true line.
Keep plodding Julie, keep rambling and even if only crawling, ensure its forward...
Hey Julie...we are bound to have good and bad days love...as for the money we have all wasted
...well I've told myself...it's gone...won't come back...so I may as well forget it...and thats not me being flippant about gambling just that i have excepted that it is gone...so hope you feel better soon and hope tomorrow goes well xx
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
