Just don't

Hi, thank you for your post and well done on being gamble free for 16 days, that is a great achievement. I am glad to hear you have put in place GamBan and Gamstop. If you would like any further support then please do come through on the helpline: 08088020133, we are open 24/7 and always here to help.

Best wishes,

Forum Admin

Lauren

Finding it very hard to be at home right now. I can cope with most of the day, but just seeing how upset W is makes me feel sick. We've been together for over 20 years and I've done it again. And again. And I have no idea how to make her feel better.

Posted by: @9qbzu60l8r

So here I am, 46 years old and still stuck in the rut of over 20 years of a gambling addiction. Yes I've had periods of abstaining, sometimes quite long periods, but in the end the cycle always seems to start again.

It has to stop; I am so angry with myself that I've let it get to this. Losing the money is bad, yes, but gambling has been robbing me of happiness, of spending time with people I love, of me.

When I can look it from the outside, free from the grip of a gambling binge it all seems so ridiculous.

When I'm gambling I have to lie to myself so much and compartmentalise gambling so I can actually bear life. But this seeps into all other aspects of my life and I am numb to everything. Or at least that's how I feel, but if I think about it, really the frustrations seep out and I am unkind and impatient with people I love, with people I'm supposed to care about - but just can't when I'm so wrapped up in gambling.

 It has been 16 days since I last gambled; the general haze of numbness has faded and I am just left with this overwhelming guilt and shame. I'd like to talk to W about it but somehow just can't find any words...

Anyway positives:

I have installed Gamban on my phone, I have joined Gamstop, I have given all my cards to W except the Joint account.

That's great. You should be seriously proud of yourself to take those steps and great the wife has your back.  16 days GF is a real achievement.

I find that when I am in the heady, giddy phase of gambling lots I am numb to the loses...  The losses hurt but I just numb the hurt with more deposits.  If I don't gamble I get hit with the guilt and self hate and that is even harder to process than the loss. So I really get where you are coming from.

If you need to talk just post here. 

Have you asked Gamcare for help?  It was the best thing I did.

Could you try Gambler’s Anonymous?

If you keep getting caught in a cycle, what’s the thing that keeps setting you back?

Chris.

@thebean thanks for that. The losses really don't have any impact do they? In fact sometimes I have played for so long and so single mindedly that I eventually come to the point that I just want to lose quicker so it can end.

I up the stakes until everything has gone. Then I'll self exclude from that casino and next day I'll join another.

It's just crazy

@chris-uk I find it very hard to put my finger on what starts a cycle. It doesn't really seem to depend on my mood, or anything thatvhas actually happenned.

it's just this little thought that nudges at you saying 'go on have a go, can't do any harm'. Feels a bit like the devil on your shoulder trope that you see in lots of old cartoons.

@9qbzu60l8r I understand that, but when that voice on your shoulder starts whispering to you, you don’t have anywhere to get rid of the voice. 
Could you find a GA room and see if that helps you?

Chris.

I don't expect anyone to bother reading the loooong message below. Just wanted to write it down....

I've been thinking lots about where this all started. My earliest memory of gambling was when I was 11 or 12, about the same age as my youngest. 

Saturday night was takeaway night and no UberEats in those days so we had to go and pick up the food. I'd usually go with my dad and the takeaway of choice was normally Chinese.

As we were waiting for the food my dad would always put a couple of pounds in the fruit machine they had and we'd play together. If we won he'd give me half the winnings.

Could be a nice memory that, but maybe it was the first step on the road to where I am now. It's not like I was instantly addicted, in fact gambling didn't become a part of my life until after I left Uni.

I say left, but in reality I was kicked out after my second year because I didn't go to any lectures or do any work. Basically was too busy out drinking and having fun. God I really screwed that up..

After I was kicked out, I hung around for another year, in town basically living the student life without actually being a student.I drank too much eventually culminating with being arrested for D&D and resisting arrest which gave me a bit of a wake up call.

I managed to stop the drinking by just not drinking at home - something I've kept up to this day - but this gave me a lot of time to kill because everyone else I knew including my girlfriend hadn't screwed everything up, and were busy actually studying.

So I ended up in arcades losing what little money I had.

Eventually I had no choice but to go back and live with my parents in a coastal town for a while. I had some money that my grandad had given me in a building society account and basically blew the lot in the arcades over the course of a few months.

Basically haven't been properly gamble free ever since. There has been periods of up to a year or more without it, and I did manage to stay away from online gambling for a long time - though it has got it's hooks into me over the last few years.

Couldn't begin to put a number on how much I've lost over the years. At the end of day I guess it doesn't really matter - I'm lucky enough that I'm not in any real debt from the gambling.

But the side effects around my mood, and the time spent just pressing a button and removing enjoyment from everything else in life are the problem.

18 days GF.

(@9qbzu60l8r) I so get that.  Sometimes when I have gambled I just want the whole sordid thing over.  The big wins feel good but not as good as it should (if that makes sense). 

Over 5h in Dec I literally had a £6000 slot win but gambled it down to £400 then back up to over £6000 but by 3am was relieved when I had gambled the entire amount away and had £0.20 left to spin .  It felt as though I was free of the burden of having to gamble more as there was nothing left.

Gambling floods the brain with dopamine and we keep returning to gamble to get the same hit.  Just like a heroin addict, or any other addict. Then it becomes a habit.  We repeat and repeat even though it hurts us.

I felt okay GF for the first few days then the cravings really hit on days 5-9.  I am 12 days GF now and it has been a bit easier.  Though I do want to gamble now if I am honest, which is why I am here instead.

I think we all need to address the 'voice on our shoulder' and identify where it comes from though.  I have tried to beat this gambling issue since I was 22 and failed as I didn't address the real issue.

For now let's all just take one day at a time though.

Posted by: @9qbzu60l8r

I don't expect anyone to bother reading the loooong message below. Just wanted to write it down....

 

I've been thinking lots about where this all started. My earliest memory of gambling was when I was 11 or 12, about the same age as my youngest. 

Saturday night was takeaway night and no UberEats in those days so we had to go and pick up the food. I'd usually go with my dad and the takeaway of choice was normally Chinese.

As we were waiting for the food my dad would always put a couple of pounds in the fruit machine they had and we'd play together. If we won he'd give me half the winnings.

Could be a nice memory that, but maybe it was the first step on the road to where I am now. It's not like I was instantly addicted, in fact gambling didn't become a part of my life until after I left Uni.

I say left, but in reality I was kicked out after my second year because I didn't go to any lectures or do any work. Basically was too busy out drinking and having fun. God I really screwed that up..

After I was kicked out, I hung around for another year, in town basically living the student life without actually being a student.I drank too much eventually culminating with being arrested for D&D and resisting arrest which gave me a bit of a wake up call.

I managed to stop the drinking by just not drinking at home - something I've kept up to this day - but this gave me a lot of time to kill because everyone else I knew including my girlfriend hadn't screwed everything up, and were busy actually studying.

So I ended up in arcades losing what little money I had.

Eventually I had no choice but to go back and live with my parents in a coastal town for a while. I had some money that my grandad had given me in a building society account and basically blew the lot in the arcades over the course of a few months.

Basically haven't been properly gamble free ever since. There has been periods of up to a year or more without it, and I did manage to stay away from online gambling for a long time - though it has got it's hooks into me over the last few years.

Couldn't begin to put a number on how much I've lost over the years. At the end of day I guess it doesn't really matter - I'm lucky enough that I'm not in any real debt from the gambling.

But the side effects around my mood, and the time spent just pressing a button and removing enjoyment from everything else in life are the problem.

18 days GF.

We posted at the same time lol.  I just read this.  Well done for identifying the start of the gambling.

For me it also started when I dropped out of uni.  It made me feel in control somehow..... What a joke that was ?

@thebean Spot on, the wins mean nothing in fact all they really do is prolong the agony. The thing is I know this and have known it for a long time and yet I still keep putting myself through it.

Think I'm well beyond the point where I'm chasing my losses, where 'one big win' will sort everything. As you say it's now just habitual. Habitual self-harm which wouldn't be so bad if it didn't end up hurting everyone else in your life too.

Congrats on your 12 days GF and well done for beating your cravings today. Wishing you all the strength in the world to do the same tomorrow

22 days GF and I feel terrible, my head is swirling with fragments of thoughts and I just can't find the motivation to do anything.

I've broken everything and I have no idea how to begin to put things back together. I think gambling was my way of blocking everything out, of deadening my emotions.

I know I have to deal with these feelings rather than suppress them - but struggling to know how.