Killing the Zombie

Great post Louis. Thank you! - joanxx

Thank you for your message, much appreciated and very interesting topic in your last entry here. xxx

Feel emotional

My sister was visiting London and I told myself I would tell her about my gambling when I saw her today. She was with her daughter, my neice, for a while and then her friend joined. I thought when do I get the chance? but in the end told her in front of her friend, an old family friend from way back.

Was all fine glad I did it and as ever, both my sister and her friend discussed a bit more about their insecurities. Whether that's driven by some special recipricol connection, or just by guilt, I don't know.

What made me upset, was seeing my sister upset when we went our own ways. Her saying she was sorry I had been unhappy all this time. I kind of tried to play it down, make a bit of a joke, say s**t happens - said I was just struggling a bit I guess.

I originally thought I was emotional becuase she was. But I think in truth it's another of those realisation points. It's another step towards admitting that I was having this big struggle which I tried to supress for so long. Telling her about it is just another step of acceptance. I feel sad. I've told other people in my London Life and it's only felt good. This is different - I know I've done the right thing but I do feel sad.

I've been torn over whether to tell my parents or not. a) they're quite old and I don't want to worry them or b) that's an excuse to justify being ego led. I value connectedness and a key part of that is honesty.

I've got to tell them. Will be painful but I have to. At the moment, especially cos I live away, there are bits missing from the jigsaw which they need to know about

It does seem difficult now - I feel saddled with this burden. A burden of who I was. But it's not really a burden of who I was, it's who I am. It's the tear in a person's eye you've been a bit disconnected from but whom you love. Stripping down of myself

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iEHqPCA_lzQ

Hai Louis,

Cool post! And you tube clip.

I pump for the reciprocal connection. It goes to show what a good chap you are by being a bit sad on your departure from your sister.

It's simple but ' You've got to have the bad s***t too fully appreciate the good! ' And I'm sure big sis would get that. In the quest of acceptance, there is the element of grieving we go through, it's bizarre really, when it's a gambling addiction that we're recovering from, but it is the same cycle......Acceptance a destination..

Telling your folks, I sit on the fence with, a decision for you! As I told you, I told my dad, just to help him with the jigsaw of me and I was chuffed in away that he never really got the behavioural addiction. I didn't feel a need to tell my mum, wouldn't of done her any good. Either way, they get that your no doubt going through a similar cycle that they've no doubt gone through in there own past.....

A morning ramble on your diary Louis but your well on the way to ' Regret Nuffin ' is my humble.... Shoot, that rhymes

Sorry, Louis, but if your sister and niece know and your parent's don't, that's divisive. Involves secrets. Secrets aren't good.

On the positives, you're starting to stir the deeps by telling your family, you're working on overcoming the addiction, it's not as if you have no self awareness or are starting from scratch. Your parents may not be that fragile, my in-laws aren't and they're twenty five years older than when I first met them.

BW,

CW

Louis thread... the debating one.

There's a step, that im not familiar with CW, but it's about making amends or telling people from the past who have been effected by your addictions, but only if it's beneficial to all involved?... I think.

So, sometimes secrets are not a bad thing, as long as your not dwelling and it's not effecting anyone. I totally agree, that dishonesty keeps us enslaved, but sometimes stirring the ghost is off no benefit.....

Anyway, possibly change my mind on that later ....

?

Firstly thanks paul for initial post- u understand and I'm grateful.

I still feel in the same state as last night - emotional and, yes, kind of like grieving.

It was sis being upset that I'd had this struggle for all that time- my instinct is to downplay, I was fine, but really, I wasn't fine. I think that's what causing my emotions - accepting the struggle and pain I was in all that time. But I'm pretty sure what I'm going through is a good thing as I'm directly connecting with my emotions and this is probably part of a process.

CW no need to apologise I welcome your views and the debate. I thought I made pretty clear in last post I was deciding to tell folks. A kick a long that path is welcome though

I hadn't considered the divisive issue - that's true to an extent, tho don't see in my case why this should be such a problem for my sis

I still have a concern that my parents will feel responsible (in my case they're 100% not). No parent wants to think of their son struggling all those years esp when thought fine.

But im aware of the ease with which one can justify the easy life. My main concern is the need for honesty and connection though.

Thanks both

Seems that each person feels responsible for how the others feel and behave but actually each only controls how he or she behaves? You can't even control feelings, only how you deal with them. You can help and support each other but not advisable to take on the responsibility of controlling the uncontrolable.

I'm a big believer in tears being a release, a way of washing away some of the pain so you can carry on. Embarrassing in the middle of a crowded supermarket, though.

All the best,

CW

Fully agree you can't control emotions. Nor thoughts

Had a proper cry last night. Not done so for long time. Did feel a release.

Is being able to cry more easily a question of being more in touch with yr emotions?

Hey Louis in response , I'd say definately ! I think as we get older we maybe try and toughen up a bit as its deemed to be " not the done thing " especially in men, I also think gambling makes you numb to feelings that you would have once readily experienced .

I've blubbed like a baby at times this last 6 or 7 months and I honestly don't know where it comes from but it def allows the poison out and I feel great the next day . I've now moved on to loo rolls as tissues just don't seem to cut it anymore , the only down side is a 54 yr old bloke with tears and snot running down his chops is never a good look , so best to do it on your own ! ( experience talking there ).

Have a good one fella !

cardhue wrote: Fully agree you can't control emotions. Nor thoughts Had a proper cry last night. Not done so for long time. Did feel a release. Is being able to cry more easily a question of being more in touch with yr emotions?

No doubt Louis. Keep being in touch with yourself. After all recovery isn't abstinence. Well done!

Thanks for the post Louis. I agree that I have the self awareness, but it doesn't seem that I've fully learnt what to do with it yet! I've noticed that I'll have a few days/weeks of thoughts, introspection and growth and then stay flat for a while and then move forward again...that's def been the case since I've been active on here and I think this is another part of that process. I was reading about the four stages of competence and that kind of fits with me.

I do feel calm about it, and I like your idea to "non-judgementally assess what happened". Not beating myself up about it is helping me to do that. Motivating myself from unhappiness and self-loathing hasn't worked in the past, so I've learnt to switch that off which is helping. And yes, mindfulness. I have used it, but I haven't mastered it. Might be worth adding to my tool box.

Thanks again. Hope you're well. LB x

Thanks for the post Louis. I do try visualisation and the leaves on a stream is a good one...problem is someone seems to be upstream putting those leaves back in the water because after a short time they come right back again!! I get the idea though, and I know it's a skill worth practicing.I did a mindful mediatation this morning (first time in ages) and it does feel like it has set me up well for the day.It occurred to me, and I don't mean this to be flippant, but that slots were really the closest I got to be totally in the moment....fully present. I would be completely focussed on just that spin, just those reels, just that minute. Not what Eckhart Tolle had in mind I'm sure, but an interesting observation. Might explain why they got such a hold of me.

I watched a youtube ACT video "Demons On The Boat". I've got a few questions about it but don't have time to put them here right now. Will come back to you to ask them, if that's ok?

Hope all's well with you. It can't be long until the baby arrives now?

LB x

Thanks for the post Louis I am seeing huge improvements in myself I might not be getting all the rewards in life I'm hoping for but id rather of lost what I have than continue the way my life was going and also what I was doing was not fair on my family.

unfortunately I can now see they are better off without out the gambling me. That's not to say I would give the same answer now with the non gambling me.

Again thanks for the post means a lot ax I'm a great admirer of you diary.

KTF

The owner of a famous gambling company which 'references the number of days in a year' is called Denise Coates.

Denise has just been announced on the Forbes rich list. Her wealth stands at £1.65 billion.

You would think that just being that rich is reward enough for Denise. But no. She was recently awarded a CBE for, wait for it, "services to business and the community'. No, shut up - I'm being serious.. she was!

Never mind giving Honours to exceptional nurses, teachers charity workers or people who make a genuine positive difference to society for little financial or public recognition. Let's reward people for that noble achievement of 'being rich' - in this case wealth gained quite clearly to society's detriment.

I presume that the CBE is part of some bigger 'deal'. Tory party funding or kindly agreeing to pay more than 0% tax. Who knows

Better do it for yourself folks cos the government's not gonna help you.

Best wishes

Louis