Let me be free

hi Angie,

I'm a CG too.

I have had a few gamble free times in my adult life, almost 40 now and started at 17. For the first time I have been completely honest and for the last 101 days I am gamble free and can finally see light at the end of the tunnel.

Had I made the choice just six weeks earlier I would have been £8,000 better off and only 2 years away from getting a mortgage, instead I have crippled my family and I have added 6 years to my dream of moving house.

The money has gone, the dream of the win has to be banished. I personally found I had to tell some of my stories, including the 'one of the big win' that the online company let me reverse and blow. Only they didn't - I reveresed, I chose to gamble it, that money too has gone.

I have come to peace, finally, with the loss, I am actually enjoying the debt repayment, the planning and priotising on getting the debt repaid.

My dream now is to sit on the beach with my children, having brought them an ice-cream with my own money. Excluding a mortgage, I want to have zero debt and then just £5 will do me, I can buy the children an ice-cream, knowing that it was brought with my own money.

The first few days - you just have to take it one day at a time, hour by hour if you need to.

Fill that time by working out your finances, contacting any debtors you need to, figure out how you can be open and transparent with your loved ones.

Try and find forgiveness for yourself. I will never be able to forget what I have done, it has had a profound impact on my life, my wife's, my family and will effect my children for their entire lives. But I've done it, I gambled, I can't waste my energy on gambling any longer, I am getting professional help, I am being honest, open and I am accepting whatever consequences come my way as a result of that.

It's hard, so so hard but it also feels fantastic.

best wishes

Thanks so much for your message. Well done on being 101 days gamble free, that is fantastic. Day 1 today for me. I hope you get to buy them that ice cream.

Hi I'm a 27 year old mother of 2 and wife and am too addicted to online gambling so I can completely understand what you're going through and I'm so sorry it's awful isn't it. I've just admitted ive got a problem and it feels great the support on here is amazing too. Ive been gf for 5 days not much but it's a start. All I can say is fill the time you would have spent gambling with plenty of they things. I've been walking my dogs every day which I haven't done for ages! And playing with my kids I didn't realise how much they had come second to gambling until I stopped they are the most important thing in my world and I have really let them down so now every day is going to be spent making it up to them. Have you got any hobbies or interests? It takes motivation at first but force yourself then soon it will be part of normal life again.
Also I've found just talking to people helps everytime I have the urge to gamble I just come on here read through the diaries and think no way I can't put myself through this again!
You can do it just be positive and fill your time wishing you all the best, everyone here is in the same boat so if you ever need to talk there's plenty of people here to support You!

CG has just given you the exact advice I was going to Angie.

The early days you just need to take a minute at a time if that's what gets you through. Eventually it will become easier then it's just a case of managing urges as and when they occur. That's what I've found anyway and I am now gf 13 months yesterday. And I still get the odd urge believe me but I know there's no going back now as what I have I wouldn't swap anything else for. Come January 18 I will have paid back close to 30k worth of debt and have nothing else hanging over me. In the last 13 months whilst paying that back, without gambling I have still been able to buy lots of nice things and treat myself to all of the things I missed out on for roughly a decade. That is my buzz now, looking at my bank account knowing all bills can be taken care of and stil live comfortably. It's a great feeling, one I hope you will have yourself in the not too distant future.

One thing that really helped with me like CG said was in the early days to spend time facing your debts head on and getting them in order. It is very rewarding seeing your debts get smaller and smaller 🙂 good luck.

Hi Angie,

What worked for me mainly was counselling. I fooled myself I was gambling to win money but I wasn't, I gambled to distract me from bad/sad feelings plus I loved that jolt of feeling good when I had a big win. Similar to drug addiction really.

When I say counselling, it wasn't just talking about my past. It was also learning strategies to put in place to make it harder to gamble and also looking at other less destructive ways to get that jolt of good feeling.

If you read the diary of a lady called Loxxie you'll get some insight and advice there too. Or any diary that resonates with you.

Another thing that keeps you hooked is feeling ashamed and worthless. You want that jolt of good feeling to take those feelings away. A never ending cycle it seems. But it's not, it can be broken. Just read the diaries on here x

I wish you the very best on kicking this horrible addiction.

March xx

Thanks so much to you all. I'm going to be sure to come on here everyday to kick this addiction once and for all. I told myself when my children came along, I would not gamble. I feel so guilty not spending every minute of the day enjoying them. They really are my world, and I try and tell myself I don't need to gamble. I hope I can do it this time, I just want to be the best mum and wife without this hanging over me. Oh how I wish I could turn back time to that first bet.. it's heartbreaking, and hard to accept. I will change my future! I will be free! X

Day 2.

Day 3, feeling good. Missing the roulette table and finding it hard. Got the right barriers in place. I can do this!

Day 6