Life begins again

Congratulations Suzanne! Your ongoing recovery is such an inspiration to others.

Made up for you Suzanne. 2 years and not a penny spent on gambling...you're doing "just fine"!

I raise my cyber glass of voddie and orange to you in celebration!!

LB x

Thank you soo very much Paul, Gary, HL, Dave, Deano, CW, Junnieee, Anom, and LB for your lovely messages of support, just come in and feel quite overwhelmed and dare I say humbled lol.

You have all helped to make my day, even a better one, have received a text from our Sandra too, sending me her as always her continuing support, extra bonus to my already good feeling day.

Have been shopping at the whiterose, (no work today) and I have treated, yes treated myself to a bottle of my favourite perfume, (I ran out of it 18 months ago) Angel not cheap, but it's lovely perfume and nothing else fits the bill with me, (ok lol I had my bottle refilled which saved 20 quid) , but I would not even considered doing this before today, and guess what dear diary did I feel a little guilty, did I hell, I had my head held high as I was purchasing it and felt quite proud of myself for not feelng guilty, I then went on to Superdrug and purchased some well needed make up, mascara, lipstick, and eyeliner(don't wear eyeliner but it was buy 3 for 2 lol)

and then (to boot as dear Duncs says) I bought some cheap straighteners from Argos, (OK I know girls only ghds do) but one day at a time lol, they will do for now, as my trusty ghds after having them for 12 years have finally come to rest :(( am feeling positive enough to know that they don't make cheap ones like they used to, ) they are more hair friendly now, I hope lol.So I have put the boat out today, and I don't for once in two years feel blxxdy guilty. And that is progress indeed.

While posting this I have just received a lovely text from Duncs, I am getting tearful now (in a happy, but emotional way) I do really feel quite humbled by everyone's posts and texts today, and to me this what this forum is about, support, support support, and I feel very lucky today to have received support from CGs on here f&f on here, and texts from folks that used to be on here and folks that still are,

I am sharing my achievement with you all today, simply because I wish to, and because I would not be at two years without you all

Suzanne xxx

Hi Suzanne, thanks for your post this afternoon, wonderful support as always, i thought I would read your diary it seems appropriate seeing you have reached a milestone this week. When I got to thread 282, the tears really came, you have suffered my friend, if I cannot beat this issue, after reading so far into your diary, I never will. You express exactly what this addication does to normal people. Thinking of you tonight, hope you are having a lovely meal, you deserve it ((((Paul))))

Hey thanks SGT, your message is very much appreciated my friend,

I hope you are keeping safe and sound and doing it your own way, soo pleased you are still reading, miss your posts though:((

It's folks like you that keep this forum going, with your support and your own unique diary posts, but do understand dear SGT, we all do this journey the best way to suit us.

Keep very safe and stay very strong.

Suzanne xxx

Hi Suzanne,

Good to read that you are staying strong and focussed on your own recovery, despite everything that is going on...online and off.

Life goes on regardless.

warm regards... S.A 🙂

Thanks Suzanne, warm wishes to you for the week-end too, I know it will be gamble free for you, it will absolutley be gamble free for me. Catch you all Monday night .

Good evening diary,

Exchange of contracts with house is going now to take a lot longer, as the buyer has now told the estate agents, she can't borrow the money from family, she has to now wait until she sells her property and exchanges contracts, and she has not even put it on the market, what a let down, yesterday, after such a good feeling day the day before, have no faith in our estate agents now, I feel that they knew this and have lied to us, I have been chasing them all week, and they finally told me yesterday:((

Stupid but I felt like a little girl again that can't have her own way, I wanted to scream, shout and defo throw my trollies out of the pram, (patience still ongoing work in progress)

I think we have to change agents now, it's been 10 months and nothing will change if nothing changes, and I feel when we do that we will be starting the process of selling our home again, and that made me feel quite negative to say the least:((

I have never felt this stressed before when selling previous homes, and I hope this will be the last one I sell:))) yes she still wants it but it could now take months before contracts are exchanged, certainly we will be dealing with at least another one agent now, (jeez soo many keep ringing up saying that they can sell our house yeh right) sos but my trust has gone just a little:((

It's sooo blxxdy frustrating.

All this frustration did not give me the slightest desire to gamble yesterday, but ofcourse Mr G didn't feel the same he was desperate for me to play:))) Ofcourse he tried his wicked way I am a CG, but I told him to slung his evil hook:)))

Was already one step ahead :)) OH has cashed some of his tax free pension in, (thank goodness I could never get hold of that)

not cashed in a lot but enough to buy a cheap, tidy static caravan in Chapel St Leanards, we have seen one we like, and are off to look at it tomorrow, so back up plan was in. Place already, whether house went through quickly or not, we decided to buy a cheap caravan fir a getaway for us and family, and also to rent out, when we arnt using it ofcourse. Not counting my chickens til we see it, but from the pics it's just what we are looking for and the right price :))). and will be an outlet.

Buying a caravan would not have been possible if I had continued to self destruct, nor would be selling our house, because the way I escalated at this evil horrible addiction the last 6 months, we would simply have nothing left by now, I know that.

Ok feel gutted about the house taking even longer now, but I made sure I changed things so I could put my own light at the end of the tunnel and I did, simply by abstaining and maintaining, and that helped ltme be one step ahead of Mr G.yesterday

My desire and want to stay in recovery outweighs any silly whims from Mr G, and he knows that and that is very positive for me.

Keeping strong, guard always up, (subconsciously now) and keeping one step ahead, cos I know every day can bring different challenges.

Wishing everyone a calm, strong, and happy evening.

Suzanne xx

How frustrating I feel your pain. It lifted my mood when you said it was sold as it obviously did yours.

Loads of pluses here though.

The changes you made got you an offer.

If someone is willing to buy it someone else will be to.

You never got your gambling little hands on the pension.

You're going to buy a static caravan.

Even if this caravan is not for you its a day out.

You managed to use if nothing changes nothing changes in a completely different context.

I suppose I should mention that this hassle and frustration has not sent you back down that gambling path on the road you turned off a couple of years ago.

KTF good things happen to good people.

Just a thought dear diary that has come through to my not so thick head now.

For me fear, of family giving me even more self loathing, than I already thought they had for me, one just one of the reasons I kept giving everything to my addiction, Fear, Panic, Desperation, This was my addiction simply thriving on all this self loathing negativity at the end, it wanted everything from me, and it got every single last thing I could give it, I even said at the beginning of my journey and sometimes throughout how it broke my heart. It broke me mentally, physically, it possessed me.

Yes at the beginning, I gambled for fun, entertainment, through the middle, I got selfish, (denial) and towards the end, I was possessed with this evil,addiction, Even from the fun bit at the beginning,,looking back now, I was already tightly in its Webb,

I don't think that now,

I know that if I could have got my hands on my OHs pension, I would have, if I could have used money from the house I would have, but I am realising now that from that first tenner on fun bingo, I was hooked, fun, denial, desperation.

Thinking now (don't like to use the word lucky) but I am because I sold everything I had, gold, my car (after a log book loan) pay day loans coming out of my ears, two heavy overdrafts, two bank loans, 4 credit cards, etc, but all of these loans were unsecured, thank goodness, do you know dear diary before I did my debt plan, I must have paid back at least 8000 plus don't know in interest charges alone, probably more over my active years, don't worry about any of that now, it's only money the paradox is (for me anyway is the addiction doesn't have that one as its biggest card, its biggest card is to totally destroy us.

Anyone and everyone who Has become a victim of this addiction can contain it, and live along side of it, and the first step is by admitting to ourselves that we are addicted, and that it has changed our way of life, and that it is affecting our loved ones, it is destroying them, and because this addiction is soo cleverly silent and secret, we automatically think that they loathe us, but in actual fact until we come out of denial and admit our addiction to ourselves and them this addiction will keep thriving because we think we deserve to be loathed, and our poor loved ones think we don't give a Shxte about them and they have every right to loathe us, but they don't, they want to know why,how, what for, and what are we going to do about it, and ofcourse they will be more than angry, we have made their life very insecure, the bottom has fallen out of theirs.

But even if we are single, we think people loathe us, and it's all because of this addiction, another big card it thrives on is giving us the lowest self esteem going, it wants us to think we are the lowest of the low, it wants us to think we are worthless to society, it wants us to think without it we can't survive, that's how low it can get us.

Whether in a relationship, single, divorced,young, middle aged, no matter what race or religion, it will get us.

I at this time don't think I became a CG for selfish reasons, I think I just played that simple tenner and got hooked in, it was already inside me just waiting, my thoughts only ofcourse at this time.but it's time for CGs to stand up.and be counted for, we are not greedy, selfish horrible people, we simply had a gamble and got hooked, ohh yes those big wins were there as bait.

I hold my head up to every CG on here, we got hooked, but we can get out, determination, thinking rationally, one day at a time, and the biggest thing of all is to realise we are not loathed by folks, we are not low life, we never was, we just lacked self esteem and self confidence through stuff that happened in our lives, and it just took that one bet, all we have to do is just not take another

I have made that choice every day to not place a tenner, I have made that choice every day to only keep a tenner in my bank, (

I have made that right and only choice every day to keep me, my OH and family safe, and not last or least, to keep me mentally, emotionally and physically living in the real world, Shiite do I want to spend the rest of my life being 100% possessed by this addiction, NO and that is why I have made changes, choices, every single day,

My thoughts only dear diary.

Suzanne xx

They might be your thoughts but I agree with every single word.

Go a pour yourself a vodka and orange and enjoy you night

WELL DONE on two years Suzanne. I'm back on day one and I have to do it this time around. Hope you enjoyed treating yourself at the White Rose... You certainly deserve it. Gives me inspiration to read two years ago you were frantically counting last pennies (like me today) and now you're proof we can beat this addiction. OAU !

Clare X

Hi Suzanne

Great post and I connected with a lot of what you said in a big way.

Its great when you get those moments of clarity about your gambling. It helps you develop.

Thanks for your post. You're right my anxiety would be normal in a non-gambler and is 'rational'. One of the benefits of my addiction,now, is more self awareness. Just didn't see this sneaky one.

Best wishes

Louis

Hi Suzanne, I'd like to congratulate you on your latest milestone and to echo the words of Balvaird....you were a beacon of hope when I started here and your continued bravery and strength has spurred me on.

Peace and Love xxx.

Hi Suzanne, thanks for looking me out this morning, firstly couple great posts on Saturday by you, you must have been so disappointed with the house sale issue and we know how disappointment can affect cg's. You have become so strong, I need you to bottle up that mental strength and sell it to me ! Caravan sounds a nice bolt hole.You deserve it, all of your family for dealing with this addication. Me, I now the money has gone, I know it's not coming back, even with ten years of work and savings, by which time I will be 68 ! Iv'e messed up, because I had access to such a large sum of money, it's gone and so has an expansive lifestyle, it's tough but there is no alternative now. It's Bolton not Barbados. (No disrepect to Bolton meant)