Life With Sports Bets Only

Good Morning Captain,

A very happy Easter to you my friend. 

It’s really good to hear you ventured out yesterday, I hope it felt good. How did you feel as you walked past (and looked in) the bookies? There’ll always be some poor soul who’s either, as you say lost a packet, or almost hit the jackpot. They don’t always lash out, but as a fellow gambler, I’m sure like you, you can look into someone’s eyes and know they’re losing quite bad. When I’ve been in this situation P, I’ve tried to cover it up, cover up my feelings of just wanting to burst into tears, my disappointment. 

Getting back to the shame and guilt of gambling. I can’t remember your exact words, but it was something like you let yourself down re the money you accepted. You’ve said it had no impact on their life. When we gamble another side comes out in us. I’m quite a logical person. I worry at times, many of us do, but I try to be logical. I’m careful with money, although admittedly I like to treat myself, or get OH to treat me. When we gamble we become another person, that compulsive gambler that is within us. It only rears it’s ugly head when we gamble. Now I realise we have to take responsibility for our actions and for placing either that first bet, or the first note inserted into a fruit machine. But how many times have you thought you’d just have a “little go”, I must have said that a thousand times. Once we start to lose and we begin *the chase* we become that other person. Key is doing what you’re doing. And I guess the best possible way you could repay the generous soul that helped you out, would be by continuing your road to recovery. Out of interest do you still keep in contact with this person? 

We are going to my daughters this afternoon. She is doing a mini Easter egg hunt for my Grandson. We’ll have a cuppa and a chat and a laugh no doubt. We will go to bingo this evening. As I’ve said before, there is someone there who I care about enough to not get tempted into playing the machines. When I have in the past, it’s because I’ve either gone when they’re not there, or I’ve ventured someone else. 

We have watched the first episode of The Split and thought it was very good. Last night we watched number 2 of Compulsion. That’s not bad. 

Have a good day Captain,

Tizzy xxx

Hi Captain,

I hope the weekend has been ok for you. Back to work tomorrow ?

The person/people that bailed you out, are they friends or family? Are you able to elaborate about how they came to your rescue? Purely interested. If you can’t tell the whole story, maybe you could change a few bits just to give me the gist. I would suggest if ever you are in the situation where you could help someone out, financially, or in some other way maybe that would continue their very kind gesture and possibly make you feel better. I understand you don’t feel you deserve to, but I do feel you are very hard on yourself and that’s only something you can change. 

We haven’t done a lot today. I was very very tempted to go shopping. But instead we took our little dog for a walk by some lakes and took a sandwich. The queue to get a coffee was massive. So we waited until we got home and both ate a whole Easter egg with a cuppa - how bad is that? Not something I do often I can assure you!

We watched the conclusion of Compulsion. We both thought it wasn’t bad. No, it didn’t go into too much detail about the issues of gambling, but was an ok watch. Better than some of late!

We’re thinking of watching a series on Netflix next. We still have The Split to watch. I’m not sure about The Canoe Man, after seeing a clip, I’m not really sure I’ll like it. It looks a bit silly. 

Speak soon,

Tizzy xxx

Hi Captain,

I’m glad your weekend was better than expected and that today wasn’t too bad either. And the bonus of a short week this week. We have a big event coming up, there’s loads I’d like to be able to share. Then we’re going away for a few days - the place we go quite often to visit family. 

Thank you for sharing the info re the family members who helped you. I do understand that it will always be a cloud for you. But as a fellow CG, you really weren’t yourself. It’s not an excuse. It’s the beast within (as you often put it) I firmly believe I am relatively sensitive. I also believe we all have two sides to us. When we gamble we become the worse possible example of ourselves. We change to the point we become unrecognisable as the people we really are. I assume you’re a proud man and that’s why doing what you did affects you the way it did. Please try and forgive yourself. ❤️
No one (unless a gambler) could ever possibly understand the way gambling affects us. How so many people struggle to stop. How addictive it really is. How it affects our brains. It’s extremely sad. 

Anyway, moving on…. We’ve now watched 3 episodes of The Split. When I’ve watched the previous series (1 & 2) I don’t remember thinking how good it was. So either it’s improved, or other dramas have deteriorated ?I think it’s probably the latter ?

I hope the week continues to be ok for you,

Tizzy xxx

Hi Captain,

Not heard from you in a couple of days, hope you’re ok. 

I wanted to check in also, because I probably won’t have the opportunity again until early next week. 

We’re out tomorrow and staying in a hotel. Then Saturday travelling up North. That will at least keep my mind occupied. 

Am really loving this last series of The Split, best thing we’ve watched recently without a shadow of a doubt! 

Will message when I can. You take care.

Tizzy xxx

Hi Captain,

Sorry I’ve not been able to message over the last few days. 

We’ve been away, returning home tomorrow. It’s been ok. Nothing great. I think my Dads situation is getting me down. I try not to worry, but easier said than done. I’m not going to go on about it, but you’re aware of the ongoing situation. It’s also time for scans and blood tests (which they do every 6 months to ensure nothings returned) so feel a bit pap tbh. I try to tell myself not to worry. I have to live my life. I know that sounds really selfish. Anyway…..

I hope work has quietened down a little for you. At least you’ll have an extra day to recoup this weekend - but only one day, so hopefully not enough to worry you about how to spend the time. 

Sorry to hear “the spark” is not working as yet. It’s hard Captain isn’t it. I think with me feeling low, gambling is/has been something I turn to. It enables me to switch off from the worries and woes…. obviously they soon return when I run out of ammunition! 

I’ll speak more when I get home. 

Tizzy xxx

Hi Captain,

Sorry it’s been a little while. 

Still feeling flat. But do my best to make myself feel ok. If I can make myself feel ok I don’t then worry about “everything” And if I’m not worrying about everything sometimes I can even feel happy. 

OH is outside mowing the lawn. I’m watching the footy scores. I was hoping to go out tonight, but OH doesn’t want to, so I doubt we will. 

What are you doing? Are you watching anything good on the tv atm? I think there are a few dramas starting soon. 

Im still struggling with online gambling. I’m continually trying to find new sites that OH isn’t excluded from. Fortunately I can’t find any. 

Have a good weekend my friend. 

Tizzy xxx

Hi Captain,

Thanks for your nice message. I actually feel better today. I know I say it often, I’m very lucky. My situation, OH etc etc. A lot of the time that is enough. Worries are put into perspective. And I’m a relatively happy person. I’d alway love to gamble, but possibly because I’m feeling fine, the beast we talk about - well, I’m able to keep it right to the back of my mind. I’ve just acknowledged that when I’m feeling less happy, flat, that’s when I turn to gambling. I know you’re right about getting other hobbies. Doing something that is uplifting. You and I both know it won’t give me the same buzz as gambling, but it would give me some kind of buzz. A healthy one!

We’re going out tonight, maybe that’s why I feel ok. I have been looking forward to it. 

It is a shame we can’t elaborate more, as I’ve said before, there’s so much I’d love to be able to share with you. And you’ve said the same. Maybe one day..

Arsenal are playing The Hammers! We need a win to have any chance of CL next season. ???

We watched the end of the Split. I was crying, very emotional. I just wished we’d seen Christie come back for Hannah. But I’m a girl - we need happy endings lol. 

Be good on the dating site ?

Tizzy xxx

Hi

More gambling free days we start to feel better and healthier one day ata time.

Worries and my fears use to restrict me in so many ways.

I dentifying each fear and facing them helped me so much.

Each of fears enabled me to open up to more intimacy in my life.

I use to think that I loved to gamble, that was not true for me.

The gambling and obsessions were just the symptoms that I was emotionallly vulnerable in so many ways.

The gambling and obsessions were a form of escaping from how I felt with in myself.

Saying I was feeling fine was a lie I told mysel.

Enjoy going out tonight and ahving fun.

A healthy life is much more worth while.

Love and peace to everyone

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham UK

Hi Captain,

Yes, very pleased with Arsenal’s win. No doubt you saw the result and thought of me ? Arsenal have done very well of late, what with beating both Utd and Chelsea. I really want to see us get 4th spot. But Arsenal won’t make it easy for themselves ?

I can relate to the challenge you face on days off - with filling your days with things to do. For me, it’s the days when I don’t have anything to do that I think more about gambling. I go to bingo generally 3 times a week. I go, I play bingo, I spend the same amount of money every time. I don’t chase any losses, I don’t play slots. I spend the amount of money I intend to. And whilst I agree it is still gambling I can say 100% it causes me no problems at all. There is a big element to the evening that is social. I know quite a few people and obviously chat a lot to those I’m closest to. But on days when I’m going (I usually go the same nights every week, deffo a creature of habit) I’m happier. I look forward to going out and I think of gambling less, slot gambling. I guess some will say I’m still getting my fix. I don’t want to live a life where I’m frightened to buy a £1 lottery ticket because many recovered CG’s consider it wrong. We know inside us what’s wrong for us as individuals. 

We watched Grace tonight. It was a bit too complicated for me! OH had to explain some of it? But it passed almost 2 hours, it wasn’t bad. We flicked back and forth to BBC2 to see Ronnie win his 7th world championship. There’s no way I could watch it continuously, it would drive me around the bend!

I guess I’d better get some sleep, we have our little Grandson tomorrow so no doubt I’ll need some energy ?

Tizzy xxx

Evening Captain,

After I’d messaged you last night I was thinking about you and your situation. Currently all you’re doing is going through the motions of living. 
What do you actually enjoy about your current life, if anything? What do you look forward to? 

I get that for someone who has spent thirty odd years gambling (me too remember) it takes a hell of a lot more time to “get over it”….. if ever. Maybe if we lived to 150 we might stand more of a chance of that happening eh? 

You said you’re also feeling unsettled. Any idea what has brought this on? Any recent changes? 

I haven’t felt my best today. I’ve been ok. Maybe I should start grading my day! I worry about my Dad as you know. But I also worry about silly things. Well not silly, but things like annual check ups, routine blood tests. I think far too much into things. 

We have Grandson again tomorrow. They’re coming around 9, so I’d better get my beauty sleep. 

I hope tomorrow is better for us both my friend,

Tizzy xxx

Hi Captain,

I know I’ve told you this before, but I’m going to tell you again…I remember a few years ago when I was in the midst of my online addiction. I used to think to myself if I won the lottery I’d be able to gamble all day every day! That’s all I wanted to do. Not totally convinced using past tense is completely honest, but you get the picture. 

For the record I have no bucket list either. I know if I wanted to go anywhere in the world OH would take me. But I don’t. It doesn’t interest me in the slightest. The main difference between you and I is the fact I have a significant other. He’s someone I share most things with, and hopefully vice versa. I think with you, you’ve spent so much time on your own now, you have no real desire to enter a relationship. Obviously your financial situation doesn’t help either. But from things you’ve said, I’m not sure you could handle being around someone 24/3 let alone 24/7. I’m of the opinion that if that someone is right for you, then you would be able to. I also think that if that person was right for you, they’d also help you to start enjoying other things in your life. But you know all that, I have said it numerous times ?

I need to sleep, I had an awful night last night and was up early today. We’ve got Grandson again tomorrow and we’re going to watch him at his swimming class first thing. 

Before I go, we started to watch DI Ray tonight - good news, it wasn’t bad ??that will continue. 

Tizzy xxx

Morning Captain,

Well, after my last message to you I went to bed and woke up at 1am, I was as sick as a dog. It was awful. We’d had a pizza take away and some chicken. OH was fine, so whether the bit I ate was off, or whether it just didn’t agree with me I don’t know. But yesterday I felt awful. I was achey and weak. I felt sicky. Fortunately I’ve woken up today feeling 90% better! 

Whilst in bed (I went to bed after Grandson was picked up at 4pm yesterday) I flicked on to The Paul Merson programme. I only watched the first ten minutes as I chose to watch The Masterchef Final. But, the bit I did see told me something. You probably haven’t watched it yet. But there were things he was saying as he was walking around enjoying spectacular views. He said whilst he was gambling he was unable to enjoy such simple pleasures. He would either be worrying about his past, regretting I guess and thinking too much about his future (worrying what it held because if his addictions) it made me think - this applies to both you and me Captain. My issue is the fact I’m spending far too much time worrying. As we get older we all have check ups etc and I’m worrying blood test will show something nasty etc etc. I know it’s a very negative way to think (worry) once I get my logical head on I’m ok. As I’ve said before, I’m then able to put things into perspective. But because I’m spending sooooo much time worrying about what *could* happen I’m missing out on happiness and enjoying moments of actual happiness. I read on a womens website once, a woman was referring back to all the times she’d worried about this that and the other….she said if she’d had everything she’d worried about she’d have been dead 10 times over. But she was here and fighting fit! It’s kind of right isn’t it? I hope you’re understanding my point. And I know it’s the same for you, not necessarily the worrying bit, but your past consumes your thoughts. Your future (not being what you imagined) depresses you, of course I completely understand why. But you’re missing out too. You and me both maybe should make a pact about not looking further than a couple of days. We must *MUST* learn to enjoy what we have *right now* …..we both have agreed previously that it’s far more than a lot of people have. 

I know you don’t like the sun ☀️ that much. It makes me happy - maybe that’s why you’ve got a positive post (I hope) Anyway I’m going down this afternoon to get my feet and nails done ?- I need a bit of pampering ?

I hope you’re ok.

Tizzy xxx

Hi Tizzy 

Yes grading your day is a healthy thing to do.

How productive was I.

Was I pleased with what I did and what I said, and how can I improve my life and how I feel about myself.

I use to worry about every thing and some times silly things.

It is importan to understand that worrying about things does not change any thing.

For me worrying about things meant I was not focused on the ehalthy things I should be doing.

It was important for em to identify my fears and write them down.

Then ask myself what is the very worst that can happen if thinsg go pear shaped.

Only once I am willing to accept the very worst that can happen then my fears reduce.

Most of my fears were 10 out of 10.

Today my fears are all in single numbers.

To understand each of my emotional triggers helped me get healthier. 

I to use to think far too much into things, for me it was fear based and was not helpful in me being prductive.

Love and peace to every one

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham UK

Hi Captain,

It was OH’s turn to feel ill today. Not sure if it was a bug that I’ve now passed to him, it’s just odd. Anyway, I had to venture out on my own this evening. OH insisted. It did me good to drive myself for a change. Just hope he feels better tomorrow. 

Getting back to the Paul Merson programme, totally agree the walking and countryside should have been part of the programme. If it was done more formally, as a proper interview it would probably be taken more seriously by people who have gambling issues. He was laughing around, acting the fool (what I saw) he was a sports pundit for Sky (not sure if he still is as they recently had a shake up) and he was quite funny, likeable. I personally didn’t think he looked too bad, maybe you’re being a tad critical ?

I saw my friend at bingo tonight. She really has a bad problem. I’m not sure if I said before, but her hubby has MS, and has really started to go downhill. Her life has changed dramatically, not just financially. I believe this is playing a big part re her problems. Gambling is an escapism for her. And when she’s there she just doesn’t want to leave! When I arrived today she’d just got her money back, I tried to persuade her to go home, to no avail. I will shortly she kept saying. I left at 9:15 and she was still there - skint. I really feel for her, but at the same time I know she won’t take any notice of me. How do I know? Because I don’t take any notice if people who have tried to help me, or offer me advice over the years. You have to want to do it yourself, that’s the only way, well it’s the first step of many.

You speak about holidays etc etc being able to enjoy them knowing you had a race to watch or listen to at the end if the day. Winning would make you enjoy things more, yes I completely get that. After you’d discovered gambling, nothing else came close. But what about before gambling? Can you remember? Have you always wanted more than “normal life”?

The worries I talk about, blood tests and such like are annually, because I take medication daily. So I have to have an annual review ?I wish I didn’t. In July I’ve got the yearly check up for the ladies issue I had last year ? OH also has similar annual review and eye tests….. the lists go on as you get older. To be honest, I stay away from doctors as much as I can. Like you, I’ll only go to the doc if I really REALLY have to. 

The last couple of days I’ve tried not to give any of my time to worrying. I’ve changed the channel in my head when my mind has started to wander. If only it worked all the time. 

Tizzy xxx

Hi Captain,

I’m sorry to hear the spark hasn’t worked. Maybe you’re looking too hard for a solution. I have no doubt you want out of the way you’ve been feeling. We can’t help the way we feel. It’s really difficult to pull ourselves together at times. It’s not easy for a normal person, but for someone battling addiction it’s twice as hard. I hope you can find another way to get you through this bad period you now find yourself in. I know it previously wasn’t great, but it was better. 

Gambling has so much to answer for. How can something we feel we love so much cause us sooooooo much damage? Hurt us so much. It pretends to be our friend, our saviour, it takes away our stress, briefly. It allows us to escape anything we want to, all the while we are playing. But there’s always that *thud* back to reality when we run out of ammunition. Gambling is no longer our friend, that is, until the next time….

I haven’t had a great few days. OH and I have been bickering. We are both at fault, but I take thunks to heart and get upset. 

We have watched all of DI Ray. We thought it wasn’t bad. I’ll be interested to hear your thoughts. 

I hope you felt able to go to work today and are feeling a bit better.

Sending hugs,

Tizzy xxx