lost the plot..

Well done mate. It is tough, but it sounds like your doing good.

Keep in touch.

Londonbloke

Thanks m8 for the post on my diary.

Im made up you are still gamblefree.

I know what you mean when we are gambling we have no respect for money and when we have little left we are so careful how we spend it on our shopping.Wow kid i bet you are looking forward to some time off eh.Also this payday a bit left.I know its not a lot,but stay gamblefree and next month there will be more.Keep up the good work m8 Jeff.

Hi Londonbloke,

Yes its madening isnt it. Happy to feed £20 notes into machines but not happy to pay over the odds for a cornish pasty! .. i was just the same.

Keep safe.. S.A 🙂

Hi

Just got in from work, am knackered but am off now for the weekend. Can't remember the last time i had 2 days off together.

Need a break now though cos its all caught up with me, so thank god for this weekend.

I can sum my life up in one word at present..."WORK"... No real life, just work, eat and sleep then work again..

Very sad really ain't it, and all because of my b******* addiction.

Feeling a bit low as well, and usually when i'm feeling like this i'd think to hell with everything and go lose myself, and all my troubles on the slots. Yeah next morning things were always 10 times worse but in a crazy kinda way i miss the thrill of it all big time. Just for them few hours spinning them reels was a big release from "everything". It played a huge part in my life and without it i feel very empty.

I'm rambling a bit now, gonna sign off, enjoy a good few drinks, play a few songs on Youtube and just relax.

Hope to catch up with the diaries over the weekend.

Thanks Grippa, Jeff and S.A for your posts

Takecare All

Hi Londonbloke,

Now is the time to dig deep. I use to go through much the same cycle. I would be in the financial s**t (because of my gambling!) so i worked all the hours I could get my mits on and in my line of work back then it ment criss crossing London picking up shifts here there and everywhere. And as a relatively young and relatively fit man I could cope with this, up to a point. But of course eventually the tiredness and fatigue would start to catch up with me.. slowly, slowly bit by bit.

However in the mean time i'd be getting paid.. which was weekly through some of the agencies and bit by bit i'd be paying a few bills, getting rent up to date even paying a little more off a credit card or two than the bare minimum and for the most part gambling didn't have a look in.. Though much as you describe.. it was still their lurking, waiting to strike.. I missed it you see.. I enjoyed to gamble. I had freedom from the crappy life that I was living.. or so i'd convince myself.

We both know what happens next. A few days away from work.. time on the hands.. an intense feeling of wanting to have some fun and chill out and hey maybe just maybe win some money.. cos hey I deserved didn't I??.. after all i'd worked my socks off for the last few weeks. I deserved a few spins a few wins. I'd treat myself in M nS to some proper food with my winnings.. that sounded just the ticket. Strangely all memory of past loosing forgotten.

I will stop now. This is your diary. You know the end of the story. Dig deep.. step off your cycle of problem gambling.. now is the time to dig deep. All the best.. S.A 🙂

Hi

Well holidays are here thank god, got some time away from work and if i'm honest i need this break.

Works been getting really stressful and i'm getting to the stage when i keep thinking to hell with it, so this break couldn't of come at a better time..

Anyway first day off and bang...walked into an arcade just 5 mins away and off again i went. Yep GAMBLING...

Ain't got a lot of money so was playing the 10p slots (load of toss) but all the same nonetheless.

After a few hours i left , down about 45 quid. Not a lot a few months ago but a small fortune these days with the situation i've put myself in.

So off home i came via the off licence, same old story, knock a good few back then the mind starts with the same old stuff.. Why

oh why did i go and do that again..etc..etc.

I don't have any answers, i really don't. I get urges just like everyone else and most of the time lately i've beaten them, but not today.

Guess in a way i was lucky that it was'nt more cos i had 140 odd on me, and i never strayed onto the 30p/50p or pound a spin (500's) which were normally my thing so for that i've got to be thankful, but at the end of the day as i've read on someones diary, it doesn't matter what you lose as its all the same.

When i'm working i just don't have the time to gamble , when i'm off i have all the time in the world, and thats the next big step i have to beat cos for as long as i can remember my life has always included gambling (except for a 3 year break a while back).

I'm ranting now so gonna close,i seem to always do this after another session. Been reading lots of peoples diaries and its great to see others beating this.. You truely give hope to us all, keep fighting.

Thanks S.A for your reply.

Takecare all

londonbloke. . Not easy mate you say you walked into an arcade 5 mins away. . Why have nt you barred yourself from there ?? If your serious about giving up that has to be priority no.1 . . .as long as you can remember you ve always gambled except a 3 year gap a while back. . . Ask yourself why that was. . I certainly dont want to preach to you mate because we re all here for same reason but if you ve done 3 years before i would be investigating the differences between then and now. ..you also have to find something to fill the void mate otherwise you ll just keep digging bigger holes for yourself. . Best wishes mate you can do this. . . We all can. . wp

Hi

Thanks wp for your post, yep you are right about barring myself from that arcade. I did self exclude myself from there at the end of Oct 2009 but since then the staff working there have changed. I just walked in and off i went, didn't speak to a soul the whole time i was in there. They didn't know me and i didn't know them.

My own fault i know so i will get some more photos done and repay them another visit and let them know the score, if i'm honest half the arcades i've previously played in seem to have different people working in them, i always have a good look when i'm passing to see whos in there playing, its an old habbit.

Still its hit it home to me yet again that i will always be a CG, that will never change, the urges will always be there, its up to me to find other interests, other things to fill my time with.

Payday thursday so need to be on my guard , managed to pay off a lot of urgent bills from february's pay and this has been my only slip up since then so its something for me to build on.

Been round a mates tonight, had a good few to drink and a nice long chat. He done his nut on the FOBT's on friday as usual but as much as i try and talk to him about him stopping he's just not interested but it was good to catch up nevertheless.

One thing i have learnt and that is we all have to do this ourselves and if he don't want to stop then thats up to him, and i told him that too.

But i'm gonna get off this path to destruction, that much i'm determined to do , and 45 quid is a big improvement on 1600, cos i would normally have done the lot, would only leave when the moneys all gone. And Saturday i walked out that arcade still with 90 odd quid on me out of the 140 i had , so something must of hit home.

Right i'm gonna pour myself another Mr morgan and coke and then i'm off to get some rest.

Tomorrows another day.

Thanks for listening

Keep strong everyone and takecare

Morning mate,

Just been reading your recent posts, and whilst it is progress not dropping every penny you had down the flashing flusher, every penny is important when you're at the very bottom of the cycle.

The problem with self-exclusion I think is that it is very dependent on the staff there being able to recognise you and they may be worried about the confrontation of asking you to leave.

Hope you can find it in yourself not to make the step towards those doors again. (And hope the hangover's not too bad!)

Best of luck,

Ryan

Morning Londonbloke,

Same here.. my gambling would reflect the state of my bank account. It maybe that after several hours on the 10p machines you just got bored and tired cos you were not getting the bigger buzz of the higher jackpot machines. I use to do exactly what you did but i'd always (after a few small wins) gravitate back to the other machines.. maybe not that day but sometime soon.

I agree with what Leedso says about self-exclusion. But its still not a reason not to do it. Anyway I hope you enjoy your days away from work.. am off also for a few days. Down the gym today. All the best.. S.A

Hi LondonBloke,

Shame you've had a relapse after doing so well, but the main thing is you realise that it is just that, a relapse, and you can get yourself back onto the right path again.

It is a month tomorrow gambling free for me. I'm not saying I will never have a relapse, but I know if and when I do, I will be letting myself and my family down so much it would tear me apart.

Stay strong, remind yourself why you're here, and go for it again.

You can do it mate!

Hi LondonBloke,

You haven't posted on your diary for a while. I know you're still going strong!

Keep in touch

Hi

Well its that time again...the 25th, Payday.

I've just got back home from a bit of shopping and my wages had been paid in to my bank. Got a decent bit extra too for all the overtime i put in ealier in the month, so that was a very nice bonus.

I'm pleased to also say that 1/2 of it went straight back out in direct debits to the various people that wanted there share of my hard earned cash. I also took my various payment cards with me and am happy to say i've paid all my monthly installments .

Blimey i'm up to date with it all (well for this month at least), so thats 2 months on the bounce now that i have paid back all that i have needed too.

I kinda feel like a new person, mad ain't it but thats how i feel.

I was even left with almost 200 quid ..so i treated myself to a cheap dvd player from argos as a few months before Christmas i pawned the one i had along with all my Dvds.

A couple of friends are always asking me if i want to borrow this film and that etc , well now i'll be able to borrow a few, it will also help me fill the time when i'm not working.

Someone said on a diary somewhere its important to treat yourself now and again so you feel things are improving and you are not just struggling with all the debt. Well thats what i have done and just having the thing there again under the TV feels like another bit of the puzzel has just slotted back into place.

I'm on holiday at present and just doing odd bits round the home, keeping myself busy but also enjoying the break from the stress of my job. Popped back into that arcade just round the corner and handed the staff in there photos asking for myself to be excluded as i have a gambling problem. They didn't speak a lot of english and looked at me like i was an idiot but i left feeling on top of the world..

Thanks ryan, SA and Grippa for your comments., i'm reading an awful lot on here but not always replying.

Takecare Everyone

Keep strong

Brilliant post london.

To see you go from the depths of despair to where you are now in the space of a few months is very encouraging.

I've sold my fair share of dvd's to *** *** over the years to fund my gambling. I've still got loads left but not as many as i should have!

If it were not for gambling i could open my own ***.

Enjoy the rest of the month london.

Way to go on the self-exclusion there LB, hope that the guys at the arcade understood what you were going on about!

I've got a truck load of dvd's myself...though it's the stand-up ones I always tend to go back to at the moment, life's never as dark after 90 minutes of laughing.

There must be joke about the misunderstanding between you and the guys at the arcade, and what they interpreted self-exclusion as, but they may have some KY jelly there ready for you.

(Sell f**k Lotion???) I know, I'll leave it to the pros ;).