lost the plot..

Hi Jeff, S.A, tryagain and anyone else reading this.

Been almost 3 months since my last post, and although i stopped updating my diary i haven't gone more than a few days without dropping in to browse through various diaries.

Why did i stop posting...Well in a nutshell i bombed out yet again and in a big way too.

I'm in a lot more debt now than i was a few months ago because i just can't seem to beat this. I do a month clean then off i go again and i'm back where i started.

I just feel like a complete failure, and that i'm just going round and round in b****** circles..And i don't think its really what everyone needs to hear time and time again so i stopped posting. I reckon cos i'm so far in debt that i keep chasing my losses, thats a big part of it for me i know thats a no no but thats what i keep doing.

I've got no credit cards, just my cash card, i've blocked the internet and i've taken various other measures..yet i'm still 3 grand more in debt now than i was at christmas

and why?

BECAUSE I STILL FIND WAYS TO GAMBLE..

I like most on here have spent my entire sad life gambling (apart from a 3 year window when i stopped, how i did that now i have no idea!) But as much as i hate everything about it after a couple of weeks without it i am LOST....All that has happened before, all the money/stress/debt is forgotten and off i go again to some ****** arcade or bookies or pub to play the slot machines. I just can't help myself.

I can't go bar myself from them all , theres just 2 many of them around me here.

My closest friend has just moved out of london (5 weeks or so ago)and i guess thats a blessing really cos i would probably of been in even more debt if she was still around. She was always bailing me out, god bless her, and what did i do,how did i repay her kindness!!.. i treated her like a cashpoint thats what i did, i can see it clearly now and to tell you the truth it makes me feel like s***.

We ring each other up all the time and chat and i tell her the truth that i've done it again, she still even offers to send me money up to pay the rent till payday but i can't take any more..i really can't..

So things are not good i'm 9 weeks behind with the rent, way behind with the council tax and all the other loan repayments and various bills are still there. I'm paying interest on the interest.

I work my guts out, earn good money yet i have nothing at all to show for it. Just an ever increasing mountain of debt that just seems to get bigger by the month....

Do i want to stop...Yes

Can i stop ...Yes for a month or so tops then i'm back at it blowing everything, the boredom kicks in,or i just want to forget all the grief then its back to square one..

Thank god its just me, no family or anyone else to hurt..

Off tomorrow and could do with a drink but yep ..you've guessed it..i'm now skint as i got a few bits in tonight all marked down(got a whole chicken for 1.25, made my day) am surviving off my tips from work..back wednesday.. Holidays soon 7th August 17 days off..

Sorry Jeff, S.A and others for such a negative post, this is where i am at present. The 25th (payday) is not too far off..so i'll have another go then..This madness will all end 1 day.

Best wishes to all

Takecare

ps..2nd of July was my last gamble

but you have to think that you've been able to go a month without gambling here and there, that's an achievement in itself. I know you're disappointed. But dont close off and stop posting, people are rooting for ya and no ones gonna judge when you lapse.

take care

xx beanie

Hi Lb,

welcome back ..Nothing to feel ashmaed about. Your experinces mirror mine in mnay ways. I went around and around the same gambling cyle for years. If nothing changes then nothing changes. Time to change something.

You mention as if in passing "A 3 year window I stopped" ... to me that says you can stop when you put your mind to it. Whatever worked in that 3 year window.. get back to it pronto!!

A few other thoughts.. if a magic wand would take your debts away would you stop gambling?? If no then you need to dig deeper and start addressing those deeper issues. If now you gamble merely to try and par down debt and escape reality then something like bankruptcy may help.. maybe... fresh start! or some sort of decsive action with debts short of that.

maybe leaving London and a new home and living arrangment elsewhere is the answer. For me my home is my sanctuary (even if it is a bit messy) and it helps me not to gamble. make some sort of change .. you know within yourself what can help you to stop gambling.. is a question of finding the courage to do it. Its not easy.

keep reading and writing.. most people dont pass judgement.. and those that do, just ignore them. All the best.. S.A

Hi Londonbloke

Im glad you have posted and let us know how you are.

In my opinion m8 (and i may be wrong lol.)

I think that if you were left a lot of money orearned a lot of money then you would stop gambling,but if you won a lot of money that may not happen.I think you would love to stop gambling ,but your debt forces you to look for that elusive big win.

The only advice i can give you kid is the big win never comes without the addiction taking a stronger hold.

When you stop you have got to endure being skint for however long it takes.But just remember your debts will eventually get paid off slowly but surely and you wont have to go through all of the stress that gambling puts on you.

You have enough worries try not to add to them with gambling m8.I know you are still as determined as ever.You said yoursrlf that you dont go more than a few days without reading the diaries.

SA is right Londonbloke nobody here can pass judgement on you.We all still need help thats why we are here.Great to hear from you kid.Lets get it on .you can do this .All the best Jeff.

Hi

Thanks tryagain, S.A and Jeff for your words of support.

Yep think i have been guilty of chasing my losses a lot these past few months. Trying as we all have surely done to try and get something back.

I've known all my gambling life that this rarely happens and even if it does it would never ever be enough as i would always keep going till the pot was empty..

If by some chance i did get a lump sum that would cover all my debts and get me completely clear i would love to be able to say... yep thats it for me, onward and upward to my new life, but if i'm honest i think something like that would just make me want to gamble even more..

I bet we've all said at sometime or another "please just help me out this one last time and i promise i'll stop and never gamble again".. But even if on that occasion you get a result , well it just spurs you on even more i reckon and you lurch even further into the Abyss...

Stop has got to mean STOP..end of..

It feels good when i've gone a month or longer without a gamble, its when the pain of the latest losses are forgotten and the boredom starts to kick in, and payday is just around the corner and another final demand for another bill payment lands on the mat.... Thats when it all seems to go pear shaped for me.

So thats what i have to get past. Many of you have done that and i take my hat off to you all.

As people have said before

"Never give up, pick yourself up, dust yourself down and go again"

So the fight continues.

Best wishes to all battling against this.

Takecare

Hi Lb,

Yup, you describe the cycle of problem gambling. I think for all Cgs it goes much deeper than simply about money or the thrill of gambling. For me if it was just about winning money and having fun I would have stopped when I started to get into debt.. it simply would not have made any logical sense to continue. But I didn't stop you see until i'd put myself through untold misery over a long period of time.

I am a bit bored this evening but I will cope.. cos a bit of boredom is preferable to emptying my bank account into a slot machine. Like you say, keep fighting the good fight. Regards.. S.A

hi londonbloke , maybe you could go to a london GA meeting during your time off? also might be an idea to sit down and add up how much you owe in total? might be worth getting debt advice theres a uk 'bankruptcy advice forum' (u can google it)

good to see you back posting london bloke...as you say never give up giving up...you know the encouragement will always be there...you can do it mate we all can 😉

Diary

Time to be honest with myself..

Time and time again i've said thats it, no more.. well thats all b******* cos i've gone and done it again ain't i...

Its the 2nd day of my holiday, i have 17 days off work and i've just gone and lost 500 quid..

This is rent and council tax money that i've just blown and i'm already in arrears...this could be the final straw..

I'm maxed out everywhere, heads gone, and i'm drinking like a fish again.

Why didn't i just direct debit the rent money instead of taking it out the cashpoint?.. I thought i could handle it, been doing so well these past couple of months, yeah had a few slips but was handling it much better than i have ever done before..

So i took out 250 sat and then 250 today and had 500 sitting in my back pocket ready for me to pay in the post office 1st thing Monday morning ...this was sitting in my pocket for hours and it didn't bother me..

Then bang another crazy moment and i'm in an arcade and 4 hours later have blown the lot...

B****** to it all, thats me i can't beat this..

Without gambling i'm nothing

With it i'm nothing

I give up

I'm off to get P****** ....

final point..

I always leave myself enough money to get a bottle or 10 cans when i've done my nut ?? how is it that i can do that??

degenerate waster of a gambler ..thats me, always have been, always will be..

hi londonbloke you've been posting your diary for nearly a year now, why not go to your local GA (Hammersmith) meeting if you've got time off? If you want someone to come with you i would be happy to take you (i live in london as well) - theres one this weds eve, so let me know. nothing to be afraid of. Also get financial advice m8.

davey.

hello davey

thanks for your reply.

yep almost a year now since my first post and its all gone t**s up..

visited c*** c******* today with a few bits and pieces and sold em..got £112 ..

brought a case of larger with what i got and blew the rest in that same fruit maching thAT= ==done me over the weekend..(got nothing)

I'm past caring, only writing here cos i wanted to say "thank-you"

I ain't got anyone to talk to, and its prob only because i've had a few that i've plucked up the courage to type what i'm typing.. how sad is that!!!

think the only time i've been happy these past few days is when i'm hitting that start/play button.

Thanks for what you said and offered

I don't think i could handle GA at the moment, my heads gone and i would prob let rip and go in to one and rant and rave, even explode..

Yep excuses again that much i know, spent almost all my life making them so another 1 ain't gonna make any difference..

GA... AA... think i'm due at both..but walking through that door scares the "cr**" out of me..

Thanks m8 for taking the time to post, and for your offer of meeting up with me and going together, i guess when i'm ready to afce up to what i am and what i'm doing ...i will one day walk through these doors.

But at this moment in time i just don't give a t***

(just the truth)

Takecare

Hi Lb,

Gambling ones money away and then getting horribly drunk is somethinng I use to do regularly as well. Rehabs always an option my friend.. work doesnt really do you any favours any more, just feeds your addiction as it fed mine.. fair comment?? ... it maybe that taking time out to work on self will give you a fresh start. Anyway i don't mean to ramble on with worthy advice just wanted to say that ive been in similar shoes to yours.. and their is always a way forward. take care.. S.A

hi diary

still on holiday, one of the worst i've had if i'm honest..

borrowed 300 on saturday from a friend and blew it today in the bookies in less than 2 hours which just aint me at all..grabbing at straws now hoping to get a win on anything.... i'm gambling now on things i know nothing about just hoping to get something back, but it just ain't happening. Had to practically beg and lie through my back teeth to get it and promised to return it on the 25th when i next get paid. they are even meeting me on the morning of the 25th to make sure i return what i borrowed...how sad is that..

its got hold of me again like it used to have and i can't seem to let go..i'm up to my eyes in very serious debt and yet i keep borrowing money and its money i just don't have any more.

sound like a broken record again that much i do know..but this has got to stop..

aM off my head again, as per usual but i'm gonna talk to someone tomorrow from neline.

i need to talk , need to vent get it pout my system cos if i don't i'm gonna *** up completley..

Yep i should go to GA but just keep bottling it..bloody coward iam

Today is the last time i had a gamble i know that i'll be clean till at least the 25th cos i'm totally broke now..but if i'm honest and i had/could get any money i would be out there now gambling.. f***** waste of space me

so the 15th og august is THE day

this has to STOP..

i hope to look back at this entry as each day now passes and remember just how i am feeling as i write this down.

I#M NOT IN A GOOD PLACE AT ALL..

Thanks S.A for your reply... as always you hit the nail on the head..i'm not looking forwrad to going back to work cos of the stress and all the other c*** but its a job and i'm gratefukl to have it ...

But i think you are right when you say its not doing me any favors cos i think sometimes i'm just gambling to forget all the stress and grief i get at work. its like one big circle and i'm going round and round.

I'm not happy.. there i've said it..my lifes a mess, a complete shambles and i'm not making it any better by trying to escape it by gambling..

i know what i have to do but at this minute i'm hammered so gonna try and sleep

the sun will rise tomorrow whatever happens wish sometimes i could stick some money on that..

rant over..

messgae to self..

read this and remeber how you felt the night you wrote it?

go to bed

Londonbloke,

I do not know you, other than what you post on your diary.

I reckon that a) you are a cg (most of us on these boards are, including myself) and b) you have an alcohol issue.

It is quite common aparently to have a cross addiction. There is something not right about being up at 5am on a monday morning, hammered (as you say yourself) and lamenting the days losses.

I think the near future looks bleak if you do not take urgent action now. Like you say, remember how you feel now.... I used to say that to myself though and I always forgot that state of mind within 24 hours or as soon as an opportunity arose to have a bet (or a binge). The difference is taking action on it... action that you cannot bypass easily.

Go to GA... is pride stopping you going ? Sounds a bit of a contradiction when you look at what you are doing... selling your belongings to feed a gambling addiction. Get yourself excluded from all the local bookies... make a day out of it and enjoy it. Sounds like a pain, but it is a liberating experience. Think about AA too ?

Confide in someone close.

Best of luck Londonbloke. I've been where you are and it is not pretty (not exactly same situation though). Get your finger out or you could end up totally washed out by gambling. It is a PROGRESSIVE addiction !!! i.e. it will get worse than where you are now, if you do not stop and seek support.

Brian

How you getting on Londonbloke?

Keep the diary going if you can.

Brian