lost the plot..

Londonbloke, please let us know good (or bad) how you are getting on. We are all willing you to beat this.

Hi,

Happy New Year To All

Thanks Davey for that offer. As i mentioned previously i have self excluded myself from all the sites that i would of normally used. I was always chasing my huge losses thats why i kept going back to the same ones to try and claw something back.

But no more...

I'm happy to say that in a few hours i will have reached day 9 of my battle without a gamble.

I'm back at work and have just thrown myself into it and over the past 7 working days i've made enough in tips to actually pay off 1 of my small bills, and for the first time since the 25th december i have actually got almost a score in my pocket to keep me afloat with food etc..

Its nothing major but its a step in the right direction and its 1 less bill for me to worry about so progress is being made albeit very slowly.

I've also contacted my bank and a good few others reguarding repaying what i owe and although its going to take all my wages for most of this year i'm determined to do it.

I actually sat down and added up all that i owe to the various people and all that i had lost on the on-line slots via my bank statement since October 2009 and the end amount shocked the life out of me... I even thought i had got it wrong so went over it again and again and always got the same amount and it was much more than i first thought.

Think that too has been a big wake up call for me

Its not easy and at times i feel very low, still have the thoughts of "what have i done" flying through my head all the time but i keep reading my previous posts especially the ones over Xmas and remembering how i felt the day after yet another blow-out, all the money i had lost and of course reading other peoples stories, about how they are beating this, how it can be done, it just spurs me on and gives me even more of an incentive to not go back to the madness that is gambling.

Its still very early days for me but i'm taking it just 1 day at a time, and tomorrow for me is day 10 and that is better than 9.

Takecare all, keep fighting there is a way out of this mess..

I'm off to work will update soon

All the best to all

Well done on 9 days mate, superb news, really throw yourself into work and start doing the things you really enjoyed (meeting mates for coffee, football etc).

I do think it would be beneficial for you to put a blocker on your PC - just an observation.

Keep plugging away, keep the bank statements for those dark times.

All the best.

Hello

Just got in from work , very busy day again but its another day past and more debt paid off (thats the way i'm looking at it).

Wish though i was paid weekly instead of monthly then each week i could pay a little something back and i'd feel like i'm actually getting somewhere instead of having to wait till the 25th of each month..I know its all the same at the end of the day and i am making progress but 4 weeks between paydays sometimes seems like a lifetime..

Thanks Seenthelight for your replies, i only ever gambled on 3 on-line sites previously and can't get on them any longer as i self excluded ,but i know what you are saying though it would put another barrier in place.

As S.A mentioned in a previous post i think i'm gonna also enquire about switching my account over to one with just a cash point card, no debit cards at all, that way i won't be able to join any new sites (Not that i planning too cos i'm sick to death with it all now) but again its another barrier between me and "IT"

Am off tues/wed so gonna make some enquiries but as i have a large overdraft they might not allow it , i really don't know but i'll look into it. (gonna go on a web search after i've posted this see if i can find some info)

I can honestly say that since the 25th Dec i have not had any sort of urge to gamble again, ok i ain't got any money to gamble with and its still very early days but i keep saying to myself ..no more, i just can't and "Don't" want to do this anymore.

I think of the pain and grief that it causes.

I think about what i could of done with the many thousands that i've lost (I blew almost 4 grand just on the 24th/25th dec) its just sheer b******* madness and i ain't going back to that very dark place ever.

I think about all the time i've wasted sat glued to my pc screen, hours upon hours smoking and drinking more and more as the damage gets worse as each hour passes.

I think about me pacing up and down the room head in my hands actually praying to the ceiling that something decent drops in while its off on autospin at 20 quid a pop.

And i think about how i felt the very next day after blowing the lot yet again.

All these things i think about many, many times each day and this for me is how i'm dealing with it.

This is gonna sound like i'm nuts but also every morning the first thing i do when i get out of bed i write on the same pad of paper

One day at a time 7 days clear/, then 8 days clear, today it was 9 days clear and when i wake up tomorrow i'll be writing "one day at a time 10 days clear"...its the first thing i do when i get out of bed

The page is filling up now so will soon have to start another page but them words which started out looking very lonely when i first wrote "one day at a time, 1 day clear" have grown and grown and continue to do so each morning i wake up. I don't ditto it then just add 10 i write it all out each time.

How mad is that...But it HELPS ME it really does puts a smile back on my face and makes me feel good again.

Whatever it takes to beat this, and me just doing that simple thing helps me no end, it sort of sets me up for the day ahead!!

Sorry to ramble on a bit, i'm feeling good and thats without gambling or drinking , unchartered territory and its GREAT.

Takecare all ..keep strong..keep fighting

I've followed you're diary since posting in late december and its great to see you doing so well, m y stomach turned when i ready your december stories about all the losses but in a way you've been an inspiration for me, i know its hard you as it is for all of us but we can get there, its a long road with many a pitfall but with will power, encouragement and belief in one another we can do it. Keep it Up mate

I've just read this full thread after been advised to help myself by Hulmey. I am sorry to see the heartache and pain you've suffered but to see you doing so well is a real inspiration.

I've just been paid, i'm not checking how much because i don't want to know. Its staying there.

Lets fight this as one and become happy with ourselves once again.

Hi

Well its the early hours of Tuesday and in 14 hours time i will have made it to 11 days clear.

Since i joined this site and wrote my first post at the end of October i have not ever got pass 11 days without some form of a gamble.

I'm now off work for 2 days (back thursday) and i've still got the 20 odd quid from my tips burning a hole in my pocket..

Bit of time off + 20 quid used to mean just the one thing.. (yep you've got it, 24hour arcade 2 mins away, know em all in there)thats what i would of normally done...

Bit of time off + 20 quid now = fiver electric, five-fifty on my "new TV license card that i just received" (am paying that by installments now after contacting them a few days ago) a bit of food and a 25gram pack of tabacco to see me through the next 4/5 days, because i've self excluded myself from there so can't go in even if i wanted too.

AND I DON'T WANT TO ANYWAY..

The really big plus point for me is that i just don't want to do it.

Sure its always going to be in my head that i might be lucky and maybe nick a tenner or double up especially as i ain't got a lot which gets you thinking it will give me more to spend etc etc..but they always got it all back can't ever remember walking out winning EVER..

That for me is progress and i feel good just thinking about it.

At work tonight i was having a quick smoke while looking at things in a shop window. Got me thinking about all the times i had just got paid and wanted to buy myself something that i had seen but never ever brought because i used to say i'll go have a bet and get it out my winnings. Sometimes even if i had 100's on me i would be scared to buy it in case i needed "that money" to chase my losses, its total madness, messes with your head it really does..

Anyway gonna keep myself busy tomorrow, a bit of shopping as i've mentioned. Got to pop into my bank to enquire about something to aid my recovery and gonna grab a book or 2 from the library. (if anyone has any suggestions of a good read, pls let us know) Also place needs a clean so gonna keep myself busy these 2 days, take my mind off everything..

Thanks hulmey and Jack for your kind words of encouragement

Keep fighting everyone

All the best to all

Hi Londonbloke

Good luck over the next couple of days.

Lasted nearly 8 weeks before I slipped back, so lets just get through this s**t together. There has to be more to life than the c**P we put ourselves through.

Take care mate

M

londonbloke if you're off on weds evening there's always GA in Hammersmith, look it up at the GA site & maybe go along ?

Hi all

Many thanks mrt and davey for your relies on my diary.

I was off work wed davey but didn't go to the GA meeting at hammersmith, know where it is, looked it up on the site, not far from me and i may in the future pluck up the courage to attend. But at the moment just have'nt got the b**** to walk through the door. Maybe i'm not ready to talk to people i don't know face to face about my addiction just yet... something about it scares the s*** out of me.

I know all the people there would understand 100% everything i've been going through as they've all been there themselves.

I've read lots of stories and advice on the GA site and i know from them and from the many postings from people on here that it has been a great help to many in beating this illness and they do some great work.

Thanks for pointing out that there was a meet there, i never knew there was one so close, its another option open to me if i can find the courage, but what i'm doing in my recovery at present is currently working for me, but thanks once again for the pointer.

Well i'm pleased to say that come 4pm today i will have completed 14 days, (2 weeks) without a gamble.

Got to say though Tuesday night i did get the urge to gamble again (1st time since 25th Dec). I knew it would come eventually guess it will always be with me in some form or another, so got to learn to live with it and not act upon it.

I put on my shoes and walked about a mile to a friends house in the snow and spent a few hours there sinking a good few of his beers. Had a good night apart from the bit of him telling me he had done his nut on roulette a few days before (almost all my friends gamble in some form or another)

i knew he had before he told me as i noticed all his dvd's were gone..(been there done that).

Anyway we talked and talked, he seemed ok, told him about this site and what i am trying to acheive and he was very supportive which was nice.

So that took care of the urge...Felt pleased with myself walking back home.

I guess its still all so easy for me to resist because i'm skint, up to my eyes in debt etc, but i have taken more steps including self exclusion and blocking on-line sites and have also now got rid of my debit card.

Been into my bank and i'm now back on a basic cash account so am only going to get a cashpoint card that they said i can also use at post offices but can't use on-line.

So another block in place.

Its not a walk in the park by any means, it is a struggle. Its no fun being skint all the time, even my kettles packed up and i could pick up a new one for a fiver but just ain't got a fiver to spend at present am having to boil water on the hob for a cuppa but every time i get home from work i just keep thinking "thats another little bit of something paid back" thats another step i've taken to putting my life back in some sort of order.

As the song goes ..its a long long road, but one thats getting that little bit shorter as each day passes.

Just by reading back on my diary all the time, and reading other peoples progress and never ever forgetting how i felt at Xmas i am making some headway and that for me is a step in the right direction

Takecare all

Keep fighting, we can all beat this

hello mate keep doin what you are doin cos things really can ONLY get better well done so far, john.

Hello londonbloke,

Good for you, achieving 14 days clean is something for you to be really proud of. I think the fact that you have started to get blocks into place has given you the confidence to move forward at last in your recovery.

As john.w has said your life can only get better... the fact is it WILL get easier if you remain strong and keep gambling out of the equation, by continuing to take this all one day at a time.

I strongly recommend you give GA a try... just once... see how it feels. What have you got to lose? At the moment with our current weather conditions... you can even save a bit on your heating by going along and using theres 😉 Seriously tho, there is nothing to be worried about by attending. You don't even have to talk if you don't want to... just sit & listen to others, have a cuppa & a warm and a think. Nothing comes close to that feeling you get of a 'live' recovery session.

My belief is that there is no such thing as too many blocks in place or reaching out for any support available.... Whatever it takes to learn and keep this addiction where it belongs.

We want, need and deserve our lives, our futures to be and feel contented... but its up to us in the end.

Stay focused

Jackie.

Hi Londonbloke,

Lots of positives in your last post and I relate to most of it. I use to live in a flat with next to nothing in it cos of my gambling of course. I say to myself thank god the blumin kettle kept working cos I didn't have a cooker to boil a pan of water on... neither did I have a fridge or a washing machine or properly fitting carpet. All of this because of my obsessive compulsion to have a quick thrill on slot machines.

By the way I went to that Ga meeting in hammersmith years back.. give it a try.. its just ordinary people with gambling problems.. no pressure to speak if you don't want to.. I get loads outta just listening. Anyway keep safe.. whens your next pay day.. what can you do differently.. urges to gamble will occur be under no illusions. Cheers.. S.A 🙂

hi londonbloke

just dropping a line to say well done on maintaining your fight against this addiction. but as we all know, the real battle occurs when we have access to money. what we need to do is to put our barriers up, get into a routine which excludes gambling and slowly change our attitudes. i am a bit nervous about payday if i am honest. but it'll be like a baptism of fire. once i am over the 1st hurdle, hopefully i will progress and begin to see the light.

Just wanted to say your story has reall y touched me, the emotions so raw and powerful.

I am glad you are fighting this stay and use all the tools you can to beat this monster.

Thinking of you and I wish you a normal Christmas in 2010, not lonely and fraught like the last.

Take care

W x