Making it work

Thanks Alan. Your observations are spot on and I really respect your resilience and knowledge as well as your sense of humour and concern for others. Keeping the triangle broken is obviously vital, but as others have experienced and documented, that is easier said than done! As with many other addictions, a restriction to access will not deter the most determined. Therefore, just because i've got no access to gambling money at the moment, that doesn't stop me from beg, steal, borrow or sell. Just like the alcoholic or drug addict who would rob their own Grandmother to get the next fix.

Anyway, I'm going to stop thinking of cg and get on with my life instead. Like you say we must put the losses behind us.

Take care and keep enjoying your successful recovery to a better life.

Hi cml thanks for post x yes I didn't let relapse drag me all the way back down I wanted to move on from it badly and all the good advice and support I kept re reading to keep me going. Hope your ok Best wishes Lu x

Day 16 gf. Still going strong. Reading lots of helpful posts from people who have been fighting the addiction for a while and have realised that 'enough is enough'. That this unforgiving spiteful force of addiction is NOT going to take anything more from us.

But I also feel sad and helpless when I read of those just like me who have returned to gambling despite being gf for a long period of time. This is the proof that we will indeed never be 'cured', and that we need to be forever on our guard. However, I hope that I can finally move on to a happier and more fullfilled life - leaving the gambling behind.

Although this is my recovery diary and I need to stop focusing on the gambling element, as part of my therapy to say goodbye to gambling I am recalling my influences, feelings and events throughout my life. This will help me to disconnect with my past which has flowed through my veins and suffocated my thoughts.

I remember so many details of events - the occasional wins, crazy outcomes and dangerous liasons. Stuff which has made the vice-like grip of addiction even more powerful.

I remember vividly:-

Watching 2 consecutive 100-1 horse race winners, and wishing I'd had the bottle to follow my hunch.

Stealing (borrowing) £500 from my employer - losing most of it playing blackjack at a casino, then finally winning it back over a frustrating and frantic 6 hours, only to lose my job in the morning!

Betting on greyhounds at Walthamstow Stadium. Rolling over 3 wins from £20, then ignoring a tip which won at 12-1. I remember the hurt and despair at missing out on 2.5K because I was too cautious.

Playing roulette in the casino - winning on 'red' consecutively 12 times, only to have a 16 times losing run on 'black'!

Selling my £1300 state-of-the-art multi-changing stack system (this was the 80's lol), to pay for gambling debts, but never getting any money for it - I was the victim of a conman.

Ending up in a seedy, hostile poker card warehouse and having to sell my snooker cue and remote control car.

Backing winners in horse races - I remember many of the names, odds and stakes, even though I didn't follow racing at all. 1997:Lady Rebecca 7/4, £10. 2003:Clare Hall 20/1, £5. 2010:Machinist 8/1 £40. 2014:Australia Sizing 13/2, £200.

All the near winners, the injustice of refereeing decisions and the improbable results.

The hundreds of hours spent analyising 6 years of results data for 49s and greyhound results, trying to devise a workable system.

Yes I've lived and breathed this addiction for about 35 years. But I must now break free before it breaks me!

Right that's it - I'm not going to write about gambling experiences anymore. It's in the past and I'm drawing a line under it.

I now have to live and breath recovery by recognising the possible triggers, keeping control of my stress and emotions, plus finding other things to occupy my mind.

I know that the early days are the hardest, even more so when dealing with personal debt. But I've got to remain gf this time - because I want my life back. I want to feel secure in the knowledge that each month I am spending within my budget, giving me peace and contentment.

In the past 18 months I really lost control - not just with the cg, but with my frame of mind. It got to a dangerous state whereby I thought it was inevitable that I would lose everything, so I decided to quit my job after working for the company nearly 12 years. Then I booked myself a holiday abroad for 3 weeks without telling anyone of my whereabouts. Selfish, stupid behaviour which has made the financial situation worse. But I had to get away at all costs to find peace, quiet and a place for reflection. I had reached the point where I was too tired and stressed to cope - I had given up!

But as others have already observed, we sometimes have to slump to the lowest depths in order to rise again - like a pheonix.

I am continuing in my recovery with resolution. I am still getting small urges to gamble but am fighting them off, and believe that it will get easier as time goes on, so I must keep giving myself a pat on the back and indulge in some positive self-talk.

DAY 20!!! - This recovery lark is a stroll in the park isn't it? - Well not really, the longest I have been GF is just over 2 years and at that time in my life I had few commitments or responsibilities. I just had work, rent and hobbies. But I am determined to stay GF this time. I am going through the same temptations as everyone else, but I now feel more resolute than ever before. I know where gambling leads to and I need to fight against the urges. I cannot afford to slip. There's too much to risk.

The point is, it all comes down to money. Yeah - 'the love of money is the route to evil'. As I put it to Lulu: would she still gamble if there was no possible way to win; if there were no prize? - She replyed honestly that as a CG she probably would, but if gambling was just a game with no rewards, we would not be addicted. It would be just like any other game or puzzle.

Ok - so it all comes down to money. We've not got enough, we want more. We want to be able to afford the nicer things in life. Not worry about the bills. Maybe even to enjoy a holiday without breaking the bank.

Everybody wants more money. If we ask 1000 people if they would like to win the lottery, obviously nearly all would say yes. But we all know that the chance of winning the lottery is very slim; if we played the same numbers every week - we would not even be guarenteed a jackpot win in 500 years! - The odds are so small - millions to one. With the same token we should not really expect the chance of a life changing win through other forms of gambling - even though it tempts us and offers a few encouraging wins along the way. The cruel truth is that we will never beat the odds!

Hmm....

But it can't REALLY be all about money, as the gambling addict never wins. Ever.

Do you think gambling addicts are fundamentally different from, say, heroin addicts? Would you say that for a heroin addict, it's all about the heroin? Well in a sense, yes, but that that doesn't take you anwhere in terms of understanding what's driving the addiction.

At it's core there is something that unites the gambling addict, the heroine addict and the alcoholic. It's not money, it's not heroine and it's not booze. Surely it would be more accurate to say it's all about the buzz and the escape, which begs questions about why we need this buzz and what are we escaping from.

Louis

Hi cardhue. What I'm trying to say is that any addiction is about the effects. Yes, in the case of the drug addict or the alcoholic there is an obvious overwhelming 'high' as an after effect, and they will focus on that feeling as a drive in order to get their fix, regardless of the 'low' sensations which often result.

For the gambler things are slightly different. We are not guarenteed of a win. And even if we get one (or many), there is a good chance that we will end the day with an overall loss. But we still experience that 'high' - that false hope of continually winning our way to riches. And that unfortunately is what gets us hooked.

If we had never had that winning sensation - perhaps we could have brushed it off. But we either got lucky at the beginning, or perservered until we triumphed, but either way we experienced that win which got us addicted.

I wasn't doing it for the money. I told myself I was, but in reality I wasn't even playing for pots that were worth winning....they certainly weren't life changing.And I never cashed out any of the "big" wins I had. I was doing it for the escape. Pure and simple.

Well, LifeBegins you may well be right with all of this. Perhaps I am trying to over-analyise things and mostly we do gamble for the escape, but maybe initially we were just attracted to the lure of easy money?

Hi CML , I think for me it started as a way to bolster my income especially with those early wins I began to think easy money , it was then only much later that it became about escape from the real world and much less about the money . Interesting topic 🙂

I've had a month without gambling and feel so much better. I know that I had to reach my 'rock bottom' with no further access to money in order to confront my demons, face my fears and deal with the shame and heartache with full disclosure. I am fortunate to have the support of my wife and family, but I know that my gambling debts will not simply evaporate. It will be a tough struggle - budgeting, careful spending and working hard.

I am continuing with my medication, self exclusion from gambling, counselling and obviously support from the GC forum. Thank you for all your kind words of wisdom!

For many years I convinced myself that I would somehow get lucky; I thought that I would either win a fortune or generate an ongoing residue income without having to work too hard. But this mentality has held me back in many ways, and if I'm honest I could have had a better life without financial worries if I had been more grounded and sensible. Of course I know that in the current situation I have to work to survive. I will be working many hours of overtime to pay off my debts - this is my penance which I accept. They say that work is good for the soul and I will continue for as long as I can.

Although I havn't gambled for 30 days and am keeping positive, the thoughts of gambling remain with me. I know that I should indulge myself in equally mesmerising activities, keeping active and enjoying new hobbies. But the intensity and magnetism of a gambling addiction seems more compelling than anything else. Thankfully these are just thoughts, not urges, and I am confident that I can continue to stay gf.

I have to keep reminding myself that 'gambling never pays in the long run'. Unfortunately many of us were sold a crazy notion that Maybe, just maybe, we could be the lucky winner and I guess we just wanted to test the theory. Perhaps that is the twisted ideology set in the subconcious mind of a cg - the deep conviction that gambling can pay - a continuing golden nugget overflow system. IF gambling could pay - then all our problems would cease to exist. Life would be perfect.

Alas no. The joke was on us and we as addicts became compelled to try stubbornly to beat the system, again and again and again, until our dignity, respect, honour and finances were all but swept away.

I wonder if other addictions have the same spiral of effects?

We stand to fight another day against this harsh and unforgiving pastime which promised so much, but in hindsight actually robbed us of part of our soul.

I have reached the month too and it feels good.

Be proud of what you have achieved and enjoy your new life. We will always carry the scars of our misadventure but we live....

You may feel your soul was robbed, but it is still within you! Open the box and release it once more.

Our gambling is in the past, leave it there. There are no happy memories to look fondly on, so enjoy your future

Thanks 21246pjc for your continued encouragement, and congrats to you for your first month gf. Yes you're right that we will continue to bear the scars from our past, but if we focus on now and onwards there will always be hope and enlightenment. By the way, wifey says that I'm back to my good old self, so in that respect I'd say that gambling had only borrowed my soul for a while, and now I got it back!

Been a good stage in my recovery. Keeping up the guard against any urges that my come my way. Am throwing myself into my new job, working like a trojan - it helps to know that I will be gradually paying off my debts whilst keeping my mind off gambling.

Overheard two blokes at work talking about gambling yesterday; One man tells the other of his recent online roulette win - £1200 starting with £20. The other man sounds excited saying that he may give it a try. I feel like screaming at them - Don't do it!! I've heard it all before - boasting about winnings without admitting of the probable overwhelming losses.

The fact may be that this young man's gambling exploits were at an early stage. That he viewed it as a simple bit of fun with the chance of profiting as I'm sure that many people do before they realise they have developed a compulsive addiction. And that truly is part of the problem that the gambling industry preys on peoples nieivety and fun-lovingness to portray 'having a bet' as an innocent fun-time pastime without any serious consequences.

Am having some strong urges to have a bet. I know this is crazy thinking, taking account of my gambling history but my mind is still muddled with the devil and angel prompting me to take action, or not. I can acknowledge the source of these thoughts that I'm having.

Firstly, it seems to be a common thread on this forum at the moment to discuss the possibility or value of some controlled betting rather than abstaining fully. Of course I listen to the arguement on both sides. Next, I find myself feeling very tired from working 65 hours a week, with my body aching and my stress levels rising. I then indulged in too much alcohol.

So the chain reaction begins: Tiredness - Stress - Alcohol - feeling cr@P - hating work - a wish to be financially secure - gambling for profit 🙁

I know that I need to rid myself of these thoughts and get back on track with my recovery. But sometimes I just think that unless you are in a well paid job that you really enjoy, you tend to simply exist in a monotonous, boring life of struggle.

Somehow, I must find things to do in my spare time which will occupy my mind with challenges, targets and accomplishment - so that life can be truely enriching and rewarding, without focusing on money.